Finishing Your To-Do List?

So, I got to read about your projects last week, which was super awesome. (Also, if haven't yet and you're still considering talking about your project, feel free to comment on last week's post anytime!) I saw some interesting fantasy-dystopian crossovers -- two of my favorite genres -- and lots of adventure and action and good stuff. I'm excited to see you all get some serious word counts down.

After today, there's only ten days left until November 1st. That's still plenty of time if you're still scrambling, but what do you have left to do? Are you still throwing plot points together? Researching? Gathering up all your favorite music for the best writing mood soundtracks? Doodling up characters?

I still have a bit to do, but I've made a whole lot of progress since last week. Here's my to-do list:

• Finish revisiting book 1 and finalizing all the things that need to be finalized there. (Hopefully I can get this done today.)
• Write the synop for book 3.
• Finish up the rest of the remaining 250 Words Smash intro critiques.
• Finish all the remaining asks in the ask box.
• Finish -- or at least get very close to -- the self-pub post series.
• Get the marketing things that I need to do accomplished.
• Revisit the outline draft and kick it in the face.

Whew, I think that's it. It actually helps to get all this out where I can see it. Organization? What's that??? But I'd definitely recommend making a list and prioritizing the bigger chores! It creates that feel-good moment when you get to cross things out like, "Oh yeah, I'm so awesome, I just accomplished something."

So what's left on your list?

So Maybe We Will Do Nano

Yesterday on the Tumblog, I asked everyone if they would be participating in Nanowrimo next month. Usually on KSW, the Nano months have been perfect times to get to know the writers who follow KSW, and it's also when I get to learn about everyone's projects. Even when followers change their names and icons, I can still be like, "Oh, you write THIS!"

Also, it's a time when I get to write alongside everyone else, which, for me, is when the whole writing help blog thing doesn't matter and we're all just writers together. The last Camp Nano I unofficially participated in helped me write over 90k of book three back in April, and I haven't plotted and written a full book since completing book three.

I mean, it's not for lack of wanting to write. In fact, I'm lusting so hard for writing book four that I'm ready to climb out of my skin.

But, ever since finishing book three, I've spent the past months revising, making covers, and marketing. All the self-pub stuff.

I will have to finish revising the novella this month (I should be working on that currently and am not, ehehehe), possibly another read-through of book one, and then the (hopefully) final revision of book three, which must be finished before December.

The lattermost can't happen until my betas finish reading, which is likely to happen in November. This means I'm totally going to have to both write and revise. My brain is unruly and difficult to divide between commitments, oh yes it is. I commend those who can, but alas.

I just ate dinner and I'm even hungrier than I was before eating. What's up with that?

Anyway, Nano is an awesome time for getting to know followers, but the blog has grown exponentially since even the most recent Camp Nano, and I can definitely see that in the comments. There's no way I can spend all the time I normally do copying+formatting everyone's progress responses to new posts. I had trouble last time -- I'd make it a full-time job if I did it now.

So, in short, I'll make posts here and encourage everyone to make comments here. Then I can reply, and keep replying, and I don't have to worry about losing track of things.

This'll be a test run and we'll see how it goes from here! (Maybe I can even elbow Victoria into making some posts or something. We'll see.)

So, KSW does Nano on the blog test phase 1. We'll see how it goes!

Let's start off things here. To begin, what's your project about?

First 250 Words Smash! #37

Most Wonderful Author: Ibi @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: Icarus: The Rise and Fall of Grey Warren, (self-proclaimed) Rock God

Tracey wasn't in her dorm room, and according to her roommate she hadn't been there all day. Of course, Marlena was kind of a colossal bitch who gave Grey the stink eye every time he came over and made a big production about going to bed at, like, nine thirty if he had the audacity to still be in the room, so Grey wasn't quite willing to just take her word on it.

Tracey liked to joke about fucking on Marlena's bed whenever she wasn't there, which honestly wasn't often. At least, Grey hoped it was a joke. He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods. But they weren't off just then, not that Grey knew about, so there really shouldn't be any reason for that pinched and unpleasant look on Marlena's face.

“Do you know when she’ll be back, then?” he asked.

He felt it wasn't a completely unreasonable question—this was his actual girlfriend he was talking about, after all, not some random person he was ineptly trying to stalk—and he didn't think that Epic Eye-Roll was at all warranted.

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

Strong Points –
Right away I’m thinking this is a NA (New Adult) contemporary romance, and I can definitely see this kind of thing with a rocking cover. The character voice comes forward in an in-your-face way, which I love. I can already tell he’s the kind of guy I’d want to drop-kick in the face and I’m geared for some serious character development already. And even from the two strings of dialogue, awesome. Perfectly natural, and I can just hear their voices in my head as if I’d already spent time with them and got to know them.


Some Tips –
The craft is still pretty raw, but the talent is definitely there. Fine-tuning the writing will bring the story up a hundred levels, and they’re some pretty easy fixes.

Let’s start with the first thing: the opening. The first two paragraphs are 100% backstory, AKA exposition. This exposition delays the start of the action – the actual story begins at the very end of the second paragraph, with Marlena’s expression. That backstory might be necessary to properly set up the scene, but it’s more effective to drop the necessary bits intermittently between dialogue and actions – as the story requires it. Let the narrative generate the question, then give answers as necessary, instead of giving all the answers up front and then asking all the questions. Let the readers ask the questions (“Why is Marlena making that face?”) and then provide the answers.

Secondly: divide up the long sentences. While they’re definitely part of Grey’s voice and a bit of a stylistic device, the series of long sentences that try to cram as much information as possible into one line can be disorienting. Let’s take this example:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods.

That’s all, technically, one sentence. If I were an editor (a big “IF”, since grammar and punctuation law is way too dizzying for me to care too much about), I might chop it up to look like this:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed. (That was just…creepy. And unsanitary, probably.) But he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that, whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods, she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommate’s sheets.

What did I do? Made the first part its own sentence, as well as the parentheses, and then the last part. Also, since I was grappling with what Grey and Tracey’s relationship were, the third part threw me off as I was reading until I got to the very end. To prevent that confusion, I moved the piece closer to the beginning of the sentence.

(Oh, and I also added an apostrophe to “roommates” to mark possession.)

Finally, dialogue tags/indicators/direction. I believe more in dialogue “lead-in” than dialogue tags, but let me explain using an example:

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

As a reader, and even as a slow reader (admittedly, since most of my friends finished the last Harry Potter in a matter of a few days and it took me about a week or so), I tend to gloss over dialogue tags. The thing is, by the time I’ve read the dialogue, I’ve already characterized the voice and the way the words were spoken, so to have the dialogue tags afterward to tell me I read the dialogue incorrectly is jarring.

“Said” and “ask” are good, simple things that serve their purpose of disappearing. They’re there only to mark who’s spoken. However, “speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible” is the stage direction that’s jarring. This doesn’t mean it has to be crossed out, of course. But, for me, it reads a whole lot better if I have the stage direction before the dialogue. It could read something like this:

She spoke as slowly and condescendingly as possible. “I don’t fucking know, ok?”

A dialogue tag isn’t even needed then because the lead-in suffices as an indicator for who’s speaking, and how.

Ultimately the use of dialogue tags is a stylistic thing, but I think writing is so much stronger when they’re limited or arranged more advantageously. Any writing that draws attention to itself can instantly jolt readers from the story. This is a way of preventing that.

Other than that, make sure to keep in the correct tense (“… so there really shouldn't be any reason …” as opposed to “… so there really shouldn’t have been any reason …”) and to consider bits and pieces of description. I don’t know what anyone or anything looks like (although the opening exposition stole much of the opportunity for description), or any of the other senses.

Oh – and I also substituted your slightly changed title for the one you emailed, since I know you participated in the KSW First Impressions title series. Honestly, I think dropping "Icarus" makes the title stronger and less "telling". (Maybe even taking out "and fall"?) You don't want to give away the whole story with the title!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. The writing needs to be stronger first, but I can definitely already sense a market for this – which is a hugely good thing. When lit agents read requested work, they not only read to enjoy, but also read to see how sellable the manuscript is. This has a market, I can already tell, and once the writing is stronger, I can see this getting high request rates (or even doing well on the Indie and self-pub platform, since NA is a big seller there, too).

Good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #36

Most Wonderful Author: Phoebe
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

Don’t panic.

This is what I will tell you when at last we meet.

The scene blossoms in my awareness; you are on the ground. Around you, life happens too fast. Leaving you behind. Bright lights add their punctuation to the rainswept darkness as they flare and fade. The street lights shed their sodium glow in mourning. Incandescent tears.

I watch, gaze following the panicked motion of the people fluttering about you. Their intentions burst from their chests like doves, trailing shards of light. They drift, pulled out behind their splintered streams of sound and colour. They are out of focus. Irrelevant. You, on the other hand, are the fixed point. For this iteration of present, you are the purpose of my existence.

Your heartbeats are fitful. Slowing. A small bird dashing itself against its cage. I wait.

You are cracked. Flawed. Fundamentally. You spin along a catastrophe curve in a state of cheery oblivion, and when it ends – an inevitability, and a bloody one – I am there to discreetly sweep away the pieces. Gently collect you together.

We shall say, for now, that I provide a service.

You are beginning to fail. Layers of neurons closing connections. Shutting down operations. Your lungs are no longer functioning, saturated with blood. Anoxic cell death is imminent.

I move a little closer. You sense my presence, I think; some people do. A side effect of the chemicals flooding your system, the biological equivalent of clamouring alarms and fail-safes.

Strong Points –
I mean, wow??? As in, wow, wow, wow. The second person POV made me wary at first, as second person tends to do, but as soon as I let myself delve in, I was almost wholly enraptured by it. Some of the lines were just so absolutely perfect, like the streetlights with the sodium glow in mourning, and I was like, wow. I couldn’t even say why, but that was my favorite line. I think it might have been that I was also paired with a flavor, the saltiness, which evoked another dimension of the description that just hit the right place for me.

I also love the flow. The variation of sentences. My second favorite sentence is one of the shortest: “I wait”. Holy herd of cattle. It was in the right place with the right combination of elements, and ending that sentence with “I wait” is just the perfect punctuation to the paragraph – and I’m geeking out. Okay.

My third favorite thing is the narrator. Specifically, how hints are dropped, how it’s implied in little doses what the narrator is, and it connected with me just in time in the last paragraph, “You sense my presence, I think; some people do,” and I back-flipped. There are plenty of hints throughout, but it all connected for me with this line.

 
Some Tips –
Every bit of advice I can give here is only my purest of opinions, which is 100% subjective to my own personal tastes. I’m sure other readers might find the prose perfect as is, but as a fan of restraint, I have some thoughts.

By “restraint”, what I mean is holding back in order to let certain elements shine. Composition in art does this. Clouds and trees and mountains are beautiful, but crammed together and fighting for the same spotlight creates a very busy, distracting image.

The same can apply to writing as well. So many elements competed for the spotlight in this intro that, as much as I liked bits of it, reading was admittedly very slow and cautious, like tip-toeing.

Let’s take this paragraph:

I watch, gaze following the panicked motion of the people fluttering about you. Their intentions burst from their chests like doves, trailing shards of light. They drift, pulled out behind their splintered streams of sound and colour. They are out of focus. Irrelevant. You, on the other hand, are the fixed point. For this iteration of present, you are the purpose of my existence.

If I were to revise it, these are the lines I would consider eliminating or paring down:

I watch, gaze following the panicked motion of the people fluttering about you. Their intentions burst from their chests like doves, trailing shards of light. They drift, pulled out behind their splintered streams of sound and colour. They are out of focus. Irrelevant. You, on the other hand, are the fixed point. For this iteration of present, you are the purpose of my existence.

Let me describe the reasons why:

1. This line is so abstract that I’m not sure whether to see it literally or metaphorically, specifically since this is the intro and I’m trying to find some grounding for the setting, to visualize where this is taking place.
2. The description contradicts the proceeding line: “They are out of focus. Irrelevant.” So much emphasis is brought upon the people, but then discounted right after, that I wonder why so much attention is drawn to people that are blurred.
3. This bit: “Your heartbeats are fitful. Slowing. A small bird dashing itself against its cage.” This part borrows a bird comparison as well, and I would choose this in favour of the former because it’s stronger, and I know it’s not a bird in the literal or semi-literal sense. By now, I’m a little more grounded, and it’s enough that I can gather this is not to be taken literally.

My recommendation would be to reduce the description of the crowd into something that sends them to the back instead of draws the spotlight onto them. The spotlight is on the narrator and the subject of the second person POV. Everything else is less important and, when it competes for the spotlight, takes away from the narrator and the subject.

Another paragraph that was a bit jarring was this one:

You are cracked. Flawed. Fundamentally. You spin along a catastrophe curve in a state of cheery oblivion, and when it ends – an inevitability, and a bloody one – I am there to discreetly sweep away the pieces. Gently collect you together.

The jarring part is more or less this particular part:

You spin along a catastrophe curve in a state of cheery oblivion, and when it ends – an inevitability, and a bloody one

This sentence rips me out of the delicate grip I have on the present given to me from the narrative, and I was confused because I very much pictured the subject literally suddenly spinning. I had to pause and reread the entire paragraph to understand that the intent was to send me backwards in time to get some perspective on what was happening presently, but I had a bit of whiplash from it.

My favorite parts were the ones that I didn’t have to reread or tip-toe through. After that aforementioned paragraph, it was perfectly smooth sailing until the end and I enjoyed it very much.

Like, very much.

This is the type of writing that I would reread just for the beauty of it, and just for the fact that most of it seems so effortless that I seethe with envy. I do, however, need to get through my first read-through with as few hiccups as possible.


Would I Keep Reading?
A little more, at least, to see if there are any further hiccups in the writing. If the language sets me back too often, I’m more likely to put down a book and never pick it up again. I am, however, definitely interested in the story proposed. I’m also curious as to how the second person POV would proceed.

Good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #25x2

Intrepid Author: Kaitlyn Noble
Highly Caffeinated and Ready Editor: Victoria
Working Title: The Underground Prince
History: First Submission

Original Post:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. Right after he says that, he runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. Reluctantly, I obey my father’s orders and run towards my room. Knights and guards run past me towards the battle. Servants and other castle workers scatter in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper before this happened. A few tell me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy, or my father.

As I round a corner, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!” “They’re gaining ground fast, they’ve already breeched the inner walls!” The one that gets me the most is, “We’re losing men faster than we can replenish them!” When I hear this, I stop running. I pause long enough to figure out what the most direct route to the armory is without being detected by my father. After a moment, I decide to take one of my many shortcuts. No one else knows about it but me, so I know I can get there undetected. I am only 13, but I am a good swordsman, and my father needs me.

 Revision:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. I can hear in his voice that he’s scared but trying to hide it, so I hide my own fear and stand a little straighter. Right after I agree, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I obey my father’s orders and run towards my room, excitement in my veins that there’s actual fighting going on, but also fear. Fear of what might happen. Knights and guards are blurred shadows as they hurry past me. Servants and other castle workers scatter in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. As I run past, a few servants tell me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.”

As I round another corner, boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!” “They’re gaining ground fast, they’ve already breached the inner walls!” There’s one bit though that makes my heart stop.

Strong Points -
You already know a lot of these, so this will be a bit more brief this time. I still like that we are put right into the action, and I noticed that you took my advice and added some more small details about the castle here and there. Awesome! You did pretty good with that. Instead of dumping a lot of visuals on me and slowing down your pace, you injected them here and there, and that helped.


Some Tips -
So, my previous critiques were that you needed to plump this piece up, and I still have that feeling. I think the main problem is that you've moved so fast through all of these events that they come off as just a summary. I don't feel as if I'm experiencing these events with this boy, more like he's telling me about it. There is an air of distance that keeps me from really immersing myself in this story with him.

So let's look a little more in depth at things that can fix that.

First, a huge one that every writer runs across at least ten bagillion times in their work is showing vs. telling. I did bring this up last time, but I think it would benefit you and a lot of people reading this to look at it a bit more. What this means is I want you to crack down on writing stuff like "I can hear in his voice that he's scared."

How? What does fear sound like in a king's voice? Show me, don't just tell me that he's afraid. Does his voice quiver? Does it get uncharacteristically low or soft? I don't know. 'Scared' is a vague and sort of empty word, because I can imagine what it's like to be scared. Everyone can. But fear feels different for everyone, and looks different on their faces, and sounds different in their voices. 'Excitement' is just the same. You almost have to pretend I don't know what it's like to be excited and describe how it manifests in your character, just to give me an idea.

In a lot of ways you've only told me that your MC  is doing what he is, and not showing me. I'm not there with him.

WriteWorld answered a question on showing vs. telling here and wrote a whole post on tips about it here. At the bottom they included extra links as well, in case you need additional help and reading.

The other problem I think that is contributing to the summary-like feeling of your intro is that you don't stay in the moment. I know you want this to be a fast pace, however, I think you're going a little too fast. What does your MC think when he hears his father is scared? Is it instinctive to obey? You need to stay in these important parts for a little longer instead of rushing through them.

Let's look at it this way. You've chosen to write in first person POV, which is awesome. I love first person. It is the best tool for getting inside of a character's head and being right in step with them every part of their journey. I think that might be a tool that you need a little more practice with so that you can learn to utilize it and make this story its best possible self. There is a lot of distance between your character and his actions, and that leads to it reading like a summary.

So close that distance. Don't brush over things. Get in there, describe the moments between your MC and his father and uncle, describe what it's like to turn away into the chaos of the castle and what it's like to squeeze between the bustling servants. Try writing out everything and then shave some off if you need to. Another suggestion is reading. Read from first person, even from third person, look at the differences, look at how authors stay in the moment. Look at when the authors keep you right there beside the character, and then when they decide just to summarize other goings on.

Also! I get why you were a little wary of sending one less sentence, but to be fair, I cut out the last sentence just to keep it at 250 or less words. That final sentence is in your original, so it can be seen in the original for any who are curious.


Would I keep reading?
I don't really feel ready to answer that question for you, because I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and see what you can do. So! I will wait for you to resubmit and I really, really hope you do! <3 <3

First 250 Words Smash! #35

Most Wonderful Author: Amanda
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

As she lay on the ferns inside the hut, the strong smells made her almost unable to think of anything else then the pulsating of her head. She blamed the spices. The pulsating was loud, too. It made the Shaman’s messing mere background noises. Libise knew that if she opened her eyes a looked to her left, she would see her worrying mother. A look that had begun to appear more often on her face.

Technically, she shouldn’t be in there. The evil spirits in Libise’s body could enter hers, but her mother was only a woman who worried.

The Shaman’s awful messing stopped.

“Open your eyes.” He said.

She lay under a covered window on the opposite side of the door. The smoke from the spices he had burnt in the fire made the room smoky, even though most of it went out through the hole in the roof. The hut was clean of decoration. The only things there was the leaves she lay on, the fire and the sacks filled, some more than others, with the spices he used for predictions, blessings, curses, connecting with the spirits and, of course, for his beloved exorcisms.

Strong Points –
There’s definitely some interesting things going on in here. From the very beginning, the question of what’s going on is planted in pieces through the opening instead of forced, which is a good step. I like how each detail of the conflict builds, at first with the introduction of the Shaman, then that the spirits in Libise’s body can enter her mother’s, and then at the very end with the introduction of the word “exorcism”. I like that nothing of the conflict is addressed directly, but by coincidence, and that’s good!


Some Tips –
Firstly and primarily, some grammatical and punctuation formatting issues need to be addressed. I’d recommend looking up how to format dialogue, which is an easy task. Having someone who knows their grammar well read over your writing and mark up things that need to be tweaked will also help, such as the word “lay” and the first part of the last sentence, “The only things there was the leaves she lay on,” and I’m sure there would have been more things to work on if I had more than 196 words.

Secondly, the conflict unfolds well, but the biggest thing I’d recommend is the unpacking of details, specifically with description, and this also includes using stronger verbs where necessary.

Let me fish out an example. Right in the first line:

“…the strong smells made her almost unable to think of anything else then the pulsating of her head.”

“Strong smells” means very little. What kinds of smells? It could be anything from ash to rot – we don’t kno.

It’s almost fleshed out in the second line, which is a line that I like a lot because it reveals some of the character’s voice.

“She blamed the spices.”

But it stops short of elaborating. What sorts of spices? That’s another chance to unpack details, and specifying what sorts of spices will even allude to the setting more, such as climate and terrain. Cinnamon and eucalyptus and sage all tell different stories of different places. The word “spices” alone means different things for different people.

Let’s also tackle this line as another example:

“The pulsating was loud, too.”

This is the second time it’s referenced, but I still don’t really understand what “pulsating” means in this context. Is it just a headache? Is it a throbbing headache? Is it a migraine? How does it affect her, physically? Does it make it difficult to see? Does it make the light hurt her eyes? Does it make her nauseous?

Unpacking details is important, but just as important is unpacking how the details affect the character(s). This is what makes those details matter instead of creating a laundry list of things to drown the senses. It’s one thing to say:

“The bike gleamed almost too brightly, the paint smooth against my fingertips, the metal cold enough to sting.”

It’s another thing to say:

“The bike gleamed almost too brightly, the paint was smooth against my fingertips, the metal cold enough to sting, a promise that I could never afford it.”

Not all details will reveal character like this, but the way a character describes details still says a lot more than a laundry list.

It’s also good to be particular of the connotations of words used. “The hut was clean of decoration,” for example. The word “clean” made me also automatically made me picture a clean hut. This may not be the case for everyone, but it was definitely a word that momentarily threw me off.

In short, a good way to get into unpacking details is to read the more literary-type books that make every word count in every description. Practice doing the same, and then when you’re ready to write your story, dial it back or cater it to your own personal style and voice.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I’d like to see it again once the technical errors are improved and description strengthened!

Hope all that helps! Good luck! ♥

First 250 Word Smash! #34

Determined and Courageous Author: MBWriter
Hideous and Monstrous Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

“You know you’re going to change the future, don’t you? I just know it. You’re just too special to stay here your whole life. First, you’re going to go to the sea. Then you’re going to soar above it like a seabird. You won’t know it at first o’ course. You’ll glow brighter than any other. You’re my seabird. That’s right. I know you’ll be my seabird. Fly faster. Fly stronger. You, my little seabird.”

The village sat quaintly in a valley. The wind blew. Winter, though unwelcome, intruded upon everyone’s doorstep and begged to be let in, but no one would oblige. Everything appeared dead--abandoned. But there were glows that could not be seen from afar, a little life breathed into the fireplace of its heart. Though it was weathered, this small village refused to be swept away by the foe.

When it came to it, the village was not awakened when a foreign darkness intruded its sleep. It was another darkness that had seeped into the corners of its streets. The desert was too vast and flat for much of anything to escape the attention of this village, but still it slept on. To the human eyes, nothing had transpired. Nothing could be seen. It was, as it had always been, a desert village.

“Seabird…you’re my seabird.”

The mother’s soft voice was at first only heard by her son. However, the darkness intruded upon the unsuspecting corner house and then they were being watched...

Strong Points -
Wow! Some of your description is really great, and you have a style and a tone that is definitely all your own. It sets a certain mysterious and whimsical ambiance for the rest of the novel, which is really intriguing. I like some of the visuals you have in here, like the glow of the fireplaces, the deadness right before winter sweeps in, the contrast of a desert to the ocean  and a seabird. You have some really interesting concepts going on!

Also, the mother's dialogue is pretty distinct. She has her own way of speaking, and if you can do that for one character, I'm willing to bet you can give all of your characters their own individual voices. Well done! that can be a really difficult thing to accomplish.


Some Tips -
The main issue that really stuck out at me was that you use a lot of passive verbage. Sometimes that can be okay, but it would really strengthen your narrative if you restructured your sentences and made them a little more active.

What do I mean by that? Sentences like "they were being watched" and "the village was not awakened", instead of just saying "(something or someone) watched them" or "the village slept on". When you keep "was" or "had" in there, it puts more words in the sentence and sort of dulls the effect and turns your sentence into a passive one.

For a better idea of what I'm talking about, check out what WriteWorld has to say about passive vs. active voice here. They've covered it a lot clearer than I could ever hope to!

Also, I'm not really sure if this is just a lot of background information or if this is where your story actually starts. So perhaps you need to ask yourself if this is something we can learn as we go, or if this is really where the plot begins. Is this immediately relevant, or is this a character's background that we can discover when it begins to become necessary? That's not something I can decide, only you can.


Would I keep reading?
Oh my gosh this is a really tough answer. I still have a problem with not being sure if the story has actually begun yet. For now I think I shall give you the benefit of the doubt and say yes, if not just to answer my questions. But always feel free to resubmit! We love hearing back from our writers, and we hope to hear back from you!