First 250 Words Smash! #31

Most Wonderful Author: Bianca Taylor
Horrid and Wretched Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

I close my old cracking copy of Romeo and Juliet. I know it is cheesy for a guy to read a romance but I have had this small leather bound copy since I could read, and it is the only possession of my mother I have. Constant reading from past owners has caused the yellowing pages to crack and tear. I have read it hundreds of times but never all the way through. I always stop at the same quote “Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight for I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.” Behind the fading highlighting, these words appear preserved in history. I do not know why, but I have always had a connection towards those hundred-year-old words. I imagine her reading, and reaching this specific point in the story. Somehow, it touched her. Touched enough to cause her to damage the book in the most permanent ways. Similar to the way they touch me, causing me to read them repeatedly, and leaving the best romance of our time left unfinished in my hands. 

Strong Points-
 Well instantly your main character is so very endearing. Not even just for the fact that he's reading a romance, but more for why he has read it so many times. The question of his mother is definitely the hook in this passage, and the way that your MC has to feel connected to her because he doesn't seem to have her in his life any longer. Not to mention the way he can never read past that one particular line, that's a pretty interesting detail.

You described the book wonderfully, too. I love the detail put into the yellowing pages and the cracking binding and the old highlights that are beginning to fade. I can very vividly picture this book, and it's definitely the key for this opening.


Some Tips-
First of all, you should definitely find some references on when to break a paragraph. That's more a grammatical thing, so I won't go into it too in depth, but one long paragraph gets really tiring on the eyes and confusing. Each separate thought should be its own paragraph. Not only does this help with the actual act of reading, but it also emphasizes each thought on its own, as opposed to running them together.

Oh man, it's pretty hard to find stuff since this is such a small passage. I'd say make sure you inject other descriptors like you did with the book. How exactly does he imagine his mother? Give us the same visual that he has, since it's something that's so dear to him and will tug on our heartstrings like it does for him.

Unfortunately, that's all I can give you right now! You wrote this passage really pretty well, it's just that it's so short and so compact that there isn't much else I can decipher!

Would I keep reading?
I think so. I'm almost there. If you gave me just a little bit more, I think you would sell me, because I find your main character just so very cute. So please, if you would, resubmit and I'd be happy to read again! I can't wait to hear more from you!

First 250 Words Smash! #15

Heroic Author: Andres Vasquez
Poised and Hungry Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

Cooper Ryan felt his office tightening itself around him, his chest collapsing, his ribs burrowing into his organs. Staring at the crisp paper in his hand, Cooper could not avoid its scent of almond perfume trying to find its way into his lungs. He reached for his reading glasses, in the case he had not deciphered the letters, each with unparalleled flourish and fanfare, correctly. Even without his glasses, Coops could not mistake the second name on the paper in his hands; the message was transparent. "The honor of your presence is requested to celebrate the marriage of Gianmarco Cancellindo, 8th Principe di Colloserrone, and Lucy Samson." Cooper Ryan was literally sinking into the floor. The cracking din of the stressed wooden panels finally managed to drag Cooper back to reality. He looked down to find his wide feet halfway to the ceiling of the first floor. Glancing at his wristwatch, Cooper slid the invitation into his back pocket. Control of his bodily functions returning to him, Cooper closed his eyes, and inhaled deeply and slowly. He heard the familiar winces of the floor panels, feeling his feet rise above floor. When he opened his eyes, Cooper found himself levitating two feet above the ground. Gradually exhaling, Cooper touched back down, slowly initially. The moment before touchdown, he lost control, while gravity took advantage. He caught himself on his desk. Breathing hard through his nostrils, Cooper collected his bundle of midterms and burst down the hall to his class.

Strong Points--
I really like this introduction! We get right into the problem, and then we get a glimpse of Cooper actually going through the floor. How the heck does that happen? We have no idea, but we're left with so many questions. You've avoided any sort of info dump and gotten us into the action and the character first, and I have to say that I adore that.

You also sprinkled some lovely descriptors in here. Things such as the almond perfume, the embellished writing on the invitation, I appreciate such touches, and they add to the picture and keep the reader emerged in the story. Cooper's reaction also really speaks a lot for his character, and so we've already gotten to find out a crucial part of who he is.

Some Tips--
I have to say, having all of this as one big paragraph is very daunting and very hard to read. I would highly suggest breaking this into smaller, shorter paragraphs. Not only will this make it easier on your reader's eyes, but it helps emphasize and flush out the separate ideas you have here.  Not knowing where one idea ends and the next one begins can get rather confusing for the reader, which bogs down the pace as they attempt to work it out.

Also, I believe you could benefit from rewording some of your sentences and replacing the modifiers. For example, "He reached for his reading glasses, in the case he had not deciphered the letters, each with unparalleled flourish and fanfare, correctly." This is pretty confusing. It might be better to split the two different thoughts into two different sentences, because with 'correctly' dangling at the end, I have to stop and remember why I'm even reading that word.

I would also love to see more of those sprinkled descriptors in there. Not many--no need to slow down the pace with what isn't absolutely important, but I got a lovely image of the invitation and not much else. Immerse me in the whole scene, not just that single picture.

Last but not least, and perhaps a very minor detail that most probably don't even know, but you used Italian on the invite. That's all find and dandy, but double check what the Italian form of 8th is, because I'm entirely certain that ordinal numbers (1st, 2nd, 3rd, ect) are different in Italian, and therefore Giancarlo's title would not use 8th.

Would I keep reading?
Yes! I really liked this, and you did a wonderful job of spoon-feeding me just enough information that I really want to know more. I really hope to see more of this work in the future!