First 250 Words Smash! #25x3

Most Wonderful Author: Kaitlyn Noble
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: The Underground Prince
History: Previous Submission || First Submission


Previous Submission:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. I can hear in his voice that he’s scared but trying to hide it, so I hide my own fear and stand a little straighter. Right after I agree, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I obey my father’s orders and run towards my room, excitement in my veins that there’s actual fighting going on, but also fear. Fear of what might happen. Knights and guards are blurred shadows as they hurry past me. Servants and other castle workers scatter in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. As I run past, a few servants tell me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.”

As I round another corner, boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!” “They’re gaining ground fast, they’ve already breached the inner walls!” There’s one bit though that makes my heart stop.

Revision:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. The words are spoken anxiously, his voice low and firm. I nod once and force my shaky legs to stand straighter and be still. Right after this, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I let my posture slouch in defeat and run towards my room, annoyed that there is actual fighting going on that I must miss. It’s hard to keep my hands from punching the nearest wall as the blurry, fleeting shadows of the castle guards hurry past. The further I go, the more servants and other castle workers I see scattering in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One stumbles and slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. A few glare at me, shouting for me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.” 

As I round another corner, my boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!”

Strong Points:
As you might have noticed, I’ll be taking over this revision on Victoria’s behalf to help give more perspective in this revision. I volunteered myself right before she volunteered me, so I’m happy to put in my thoughts!

I can see how you’ve applied some of what Victoria’s said, and that’s awesome. There are some new details, and also “showing” of his frustration through the line, “It’s hard to keep my hands from punching the nearest wall,” which is a solid sign of characterization that we didn’t have before. The additions definitely help.


Some Tips:
However, while the additions help, revisions are still quite timid and minute. I understand what Victoria’s been trying to explain about this intro, and while there are certainly some improvements, her points still stand: the intro reads like a summary of events. It feels like the main character is recounting over dinner to someone a moment that happened. I’m not fully immersed in the story because the action is described in a retrospective way.

Let’s take the very first line.

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

This is a summary. In fact, this could be the first line of a synopsis (which is usually in third person, not first, although it’s not unheard of). I can picture reading the summary on the back of the book and this being the first line. That’s cool, but it’s not as effective in the actual story.

This is what Victoria means by telling. That first line is the core example of “telling” versus “showing”, and while there are certainly times where “telling” is absolutely appropriate (and some might argue that this might actually work here), both Victoria and I agree that this opening line loses the potential drama of the intro.

What Victoria has been trying to explain is to utilize action for greater impact. Let’s take the very first line here:

One moment I am laughing with my father.

This can be unpacked with action. What are they talking about? Where are they? What’s the relationship between them? What’s their connection? What do they look like? All of these potential questions are lost because, instead of beginning with action, the action is summarized.

The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

‘War zone’ means nothing to the reader. Was there an explosion? Are there fires? Did someone run in and announce a siege on the castle? What are the stakes? What is the conflict?

Also, ‘The next thing I know’ or other modern idiosyncrasies are actually kind of like ‘throwaway lines’, or clichéd phrases that don’t really carry their weight.

Let me try to give a real concrete example of what I mean. Keep in mind that this is just my own personal exploration of the story and not intended to be used for anything other than just a basic example. Let’s take the third line:

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe.

And to demonstrate “unpacking”, “showing” and “action”, I’ll write it like this:

He grabs me by the shoulders, his leather hands too stiff. “Son, go to your chamber.” I hardly recognize his voice, both stern and firm, yet each word quivered on the tip of his tongue. “Lock the doors. Stay quiet. Stay hidden. Do not come out until I’ve sent word it’s safe.”

My own voice cracks in my throat. “Father—”

A resounding boom rocks the castle and challenges my balance. Father recovers first and shoves me away. “Go.”

Again, this is just an example of something that could have been explored from that single line, where the narrative can take the reader into “the moment” of the story instead of glaze over it. I want to see how dad’s anxious, not just have it told to me. Moments like these are what really bring home the contrast and stakes of the story.

For me, the entire first line can be unpacked to fill the first 250 words. I can see it. There’s a lot that we lose as readers when it’s all crammed together into a single line of telling. Personally, I would definitely suggest a whole rewrite, because I think you can do much better than this. Brave restarting fresh and think about what matters as you write—what should be conveyed, and how.

But before you brave another revision, I’d definitely advise you to check out our masterpost of exercises. Some of the exercises also have examples, and I’d recommend checking into those as well (especially on the pacing side, because I think that’ll help you a lot).

Also, I’d recommend picking up a book in your genre (middle grade or young adult fantasy, I’d guess) and read critically like a writer. Take notes, mark passages with stickies or post-its, and really learn how the author’s craft functions in scenes like yours. Study how the author keeps the reader rooted in the story and avoids summarizing events (or, conversely, uses summaries of events to benefit the story, because not all “telling” is bad).


Would I Keep Reading?
I want to see some big changes if you decide to do another revision – I’d also be super excited if you did. I love to see huge improvement, and once you let go and really get into revising, I think you’ll do something awesome!

Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #25x2

Intrepid Author: Kaitlyn Noble
Highly Caffeinated and Ready Editor: Victoria
Working Title: The Underground Prince
History: First Submission

Original Post:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. Right after he says that, he runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. Reluctantly, I obey my father’s orders and run towards my room. Knights and guards run past me towards the battle. Servants and other castle workers scatter in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper before this happened. A few tell me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy, or my father.

As I round a corner, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!” “They’re gaining ground fast, they’ve already breeched the inner walls!” The one that gets me the most is, “We’re losing men faster than we can replenish them!” When I hear this, I stop running. I pause long enough to figure out what the most direct route to the armory is without being detected by my father. After a moment, I decide to take one of my many shortcuts. No one else knows about it but me, so I know I can get there undetected. I am only 13, but I am a good swordsman, and my father needs me.

 Revision:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. I can hear in his voice that he’s scared but trying to hide it, so I hide my own fear and stand a little straighter. Right after I agree, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I obey my father’s orders and run towards my room, excitement in my veins that there’s actual fighting going on, but also fear. Fear of what might happen. Knights and guards are blurred shadows as they hurry past me. Servants and other castle workers scatter in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. As I run past, a few servants tell me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.”

As I round another corner, boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!” “They’re gaining ground fast, they’ve already breached the inner walls!” There’s one bit though that makes my heart stop.

Strong Points -
You already know a lot of these, so this will be a bit more brief this time. I still like that we are put right into the action, and I noticed that you took my advice and added some more small details about the castle here and there. Awesome! You did pretty good with that. Instead of dumping a lot of visuals on me and slowing down your pace, you injected them here and there, and that helped.


Some Tips -
So, my previous critiques were that you needed to plump this piece up, and I still have that feeling. I think the main problem is that you've moved so fast through all of these events that they come off as just a summary. I don't feel as if I'm experiencing these events with this boy, more like he's telling me about it. There is an air of distance that keeps me from really immersing myself in this story with him.

So let's look a little more in depth at things that can fix that.

First, a huge one that every writer runs across at least ten bagillion times in their work is showing vs. telling. I did bring this up last time, but I think it would benefit you and a lot of people reading this to look at it a bit more. What this means is I want you to crack down on writing stuff like "I can hear in his voice that he's scared."

How? What does fear sound like in a king's voice? Show me, don't just tell me that he's afraid. Does his voice quiver? Does it get uncharacteristically low or soft? I don't know. 'Scared' is a vague and sort of empty word, because I can imagine what it's like to be scared. Everyone can. But fear feels different for everyone, and looks different on their faces, and sounds different in their voices. 'Excitement' is just the same. You almost have to pretend I don't know what it's like to be excited and describe how it manifests in your character, just to give me an idea.

In a lot of ways you've only told me that your MC  is doing what he is, and not showing me. I'm not there with him.

WriteWorld answered a question on showing vs. telling here and wrote a whole post on tips about it here. At the bottom they included extra links as well, in case you need additional help and reading.

The other problem I think that is contributing to the summary-like feeling of your intro is that you don't stay in the moment. I know you want this to be a fast pace, however, I think you're going a little too fast. What does your MC think when he hears his father is scared? Is it instinctive to obey? You need to stay in these important parts for a little longer instead of rushing through them.

Let's look at it this way. You've chosen to write in first person POV, which is awesome. I love first person. It is the best tool for getting inside of a character's head and being right in step with them every part of their journey. I think that might be a tool that you need a little more practice with so that you can learn to utilize it and make this story its best possible self. There is a lot of distance between your character and his actions, and that leads to it reading like a summary.

So close that distance. Don't brush over things. Get in there, describe the moments between your MC and his father and uncle, describe what it's like to turn away into the chaos of the castle and what it's like to squeeze between the bustling servants. Try writing out everything and then shave some off if you need to. Another suggestion is reading. Read from first person, even from third person, look at the differences, look at how authors stay in the moment. Look at when the authors keep you right there beside the character, and then when they decide just to summarize other goings on.

Also! I get why you were a little wary of sending one less sentence, but to be fair, I cut out the last sentence just to keep it at 250 or less words. That final sentence is in your original, so it can be seen in the original for any who are curious.


Would I keep reading?
I don't really feel ready to answer that question for you, because I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and see what you can do. So! I will wait for you to resubmit and I really, really hope you do! <3 <3

First 250 Words Smash! #4x3

Most Wonderful Author: Kendra || Hintsloveswords @ tumblr

Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah

History: Previous submission || Original submission

Previous submission:

Tavia clutched the hard hunk of bread and dried meat strips to her chest as she darted through the countless pairs of legs, her small mouth stretched in a grin. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even the few people swatting at her when she bumped into them. The bronze and copper coins jangling in her pocket made her do a little skip in delight. She felt rich. The coin, along with the food, was going to feed the two of them for at least two weeks. Jorah was going to be so proud of her!

She was heading into the most crowded part of the market street now, and she had to slow down in order to get through. Merchants and workers alike shuffled through the street, eyes downcast and dull, faces drawn and streaked with dust and dirt. Their clothes were tattered and dirty, just like Tavia’s. Her own sturdy coat had holes worn in the elbows and her trousers in the knees. The men and women around her paid no attention to the little beggar girl running in their midst, and Tavia liked it that way. Jorah always told her that the less notice you got, the less likely people would hurt you. Tavia was glad that she was so small, able to slip through crowds without so much of a second glance.

Finally Tavia happened upon the small abandoned building that she and Jorah called home.

Revision:

Hey!”

Tavia ran from the furious voice, ignoring the shrieks of indignation as she pushed people out of her way. She stumbled into someone’s cart, scattering a small pail of vegetables. The cart owner stared at her in shock as she stuffed her prize back in her jacket and scrambled onto the street again.

Tavia glanced back over her shoulder to see her pursuers gaining on her. She grinned at their enraged expressions. The leader, a big, bald man who looked like a thug, saw her grinning and shook a fist.

“Come back!” he roared, face flushing crimson in rage.

Tavia laughed and bolted down the nearest alley, hardly thinking before turning another corner. She wove through backstreets and alleys randomly to throw off her pursuers.

All was well until Tavia skidded around a corner and nearly collided with the very men she was trying to avoid. All of them were shocked for a moment and stood there staring at the other. Tavia recovered a split second faster than the men and recoiled out of reach. Just as she turned to run again, one of the men bellowed, “Get her!”

Tavia’s heart was pounding in fear now. There was a very real chance they would catch her. She started to run, but a huge weight hit her from behind and threw her to the ground, the weight landing on top of her.

Strong Points –

Your progression over the past months is killer and I’m so glad you resubmitted. I can see real jumps in the evolution of your writing in regards to strengthening your prose and building on your action. Seriously, your chain of events and the flow of it all is more substantial and the pacing is perfect, plus you’ve broken out of your passive tic (though I still think “Tavia’s heart was pounding in fear now” would read better in its simplified form, “Tavia’s heart pounded”). I’m just floored by how you’ve been taking in writing advice and reciprocating it!

Some Tips –

From here, I’d recommend you invest in beta readers/critique partners to take over the smaller quirks and overall content if you haven’t already. Having various eyes critique you, as well as learning how to critique, will give you more propulsion for improvement. Here are a few things I can help you with:

Use fewer simple verbs. In this case, avoid these words: ran, pushed, turning, hit, etc. You’ve got some strong verbs in there already, such as “skidded” and “scattered”. These are great words, but also try to avoid overused/clichéd or vague phrases like “enraged expressions”, “who looked like a thug,” and “shook a fist.” As an example, you do a better job with “enraged expressions” by describing the leader with “face flushing crimson in rage.” Still, I encourage you to push your creativity further and experiment more with facial features and gestures that reveal individual character and expression! “Furious” and “rage” and “fear” can be replaced with stronger descriptions.

I also want you to work a bit on giving small doses of the environment like this and like this. Tavia is entrenched in and reacting to her environment enough in the beginning that the reader needs to generate some sort of preliminary image of what things look like, and then later on in the story you can refine it when the action slows. Work on developing those little clincher details to breathe life and color into your world.

Lastly, I noticed four out of six paragraphs begin with Tavia!

Would I Keep Reading?

My response hasn’t changed from your previous revision. As I mentioned, find some critique partners! Your writing has evolved dramatically and I think it’ll evolve naturally as you work on content and structure. Keep it up!

And of course, plenty of ♥ ♥ ♥!

First 250 Words Smash! #2x2

Word Smash is back! With a vengeance! Did you guys miss this? No? But we missed you!

Brave Author: Ambar Fernandez
Blarghblargh Editor: Victoria

You guys'll remember Miss Ambar's first submission here. I won't repost all of the love and terrible things I did to her, but at the very least I will give you the original first 250 words she gave us, so that your memories may be refreshed.

So, here it is, the original.

Rudolf James Bach, or my birth name Rudolf James Lin. After my mother and supposed “father” died in that accident the truth came out and it just so happened my mother had an affair with her first husband, thus I came into the picture. Very complicated, but that’s how it is.  

The man I grew up with was called Henry Lin. He was of Chinese descent and well if you haven’t noticed; my mom is of German descent. My father never knew about me not being his kid, what he thought till the end of his days was that my mom’s genes must have been super strong for me not to have had any Chinese traits. 

Enough about that let me tell you how I got here, to live in this house with Melody. I was five when my mother’s best friend I guess I could say “inherited”me. My mom had no family, the only family she had died the year before of old age, my grandmother. And since my real father, Ansgar Bach, didn’t know I existed, well I had nowhere to go; to top it off Henry’s family hated me because I was “half” German. Two weeks in foster care, I was finally handed over to Jennifer, she has been a great substitute mother, and to be honest a better mother than mine ever was. You see, my mother was always working, the only time I ever saw her was during the weekends.

Well, Ambar took out advice and resubmitted, as any of you are welcome to do, so here's round two!

I should have known something bad was going to happen that day. What should have made it snap was when my dad called, Ansgar Bach. Being his illegitimate child from his first marriage and all he doesn’t speak to me, due to his appearance, but here I am sitting in the waiting room of his stupid company. Why am I here again? Oh right Jennifer, the woman who has raised me since the accident, told me to come. The things I do to make her smile, honestly. 

The secretary looked up at me and smiled her, I’m innocent, smile. When we all know she is more than likely sleeping with my father, but whatever I don’t care it’s his life not mine. She picked up the phone and spoke for a bit, giggled then hung up and stood. “Rudolf.” 

I stood from my seat and smiled, trying not to seem like such a jack ass. “Yes?” 

“Mr. Bach, will see you now.” She opened the door and nodded for me to go in. 

I took my backpack and walked in and turned to see the door shut behind me. I turned over to my father who finished talking on the phone, something about a new line, and he hung up. He leaned back into his chair and smiled. 

His hair has gotten a bit more platinum since the last time I saw him, also his physique was still built for his age. My father, the owner of Bach Industries.

Strong Points: Already so much better! Now we're in a scene. Already we're right into what's happening, which is a huge improvement over last time. And you've woven background information into the action  fairly seamlessly. So much better than outright telling us. Now you can play with that way of delivering exposition, instead of dropping it on us like a heavy anvil all at once.

Also we get a much bigger sense of Rudolf's voice. Putting him in this situation has allowed him to flourish, and allowed us to see that he sort of is an ass.

Which is cool. I like asses. Sarah's aptly used Jason is an ass. So don't ever think characters who aren't very nice won't be liked, because that's not true

That aside, more of his voice is better in the beginning. It gives us a quick dive into his character and we know who we're dealing with sooner. Now, does he have a reason to be such an ass toward dad? Is he just feeling neglected? Rejected? Did dad do something to him? This raises all sorts of questions! And questions will keep me reading!

I also like the bit of description in there at the end with regards to dad, but I want more of Rudolf's voice in it. If he dislikes dad so much, I want to feel just a little bit of that when he looks at him. As it is, though, I do get a pretty clear picture of dad.

Some Tips: On that note, perhaps some more details. What does the secretary look like? What does the office and the waiting room look like? Is it swanky? Or is it a dump? I don't know, and that alone would give us a huge clue as to what kind of company Bach Industries is, and what kind of guy dad really is, both through Rudolf's biased goggles and without them.

You have some tense issues with verbs, but that's mere grammar and nothing some polishing and further editing can't fix. Just try to keep track of whether or not this is present or past.

You could probably just make the secretary smile an innocent smile, instead of the 'I'm innocent' in there. It's less wordy, more to the point and therefore it packs a more powerful punch to your reader, and it's less awkward to read. You can still make it snarky on Rudy's part, just not like that.

Try livening this up with some more powerful verbs. Instead of 'walked' in, let us know just how he walked in, or how he 'took' his backpack or exactly what Rudy is doing to 'try' and not seem like a jackass. These paint better pictures for your readers and help us understand your character more without you outright telling us.

Would I keep reading?

I am happy to say I would! You really, really improved, and I'm so glad you took the critique like a champ instead of sobbing about it in a closet like I would have. Now I have a scene, now I have an idea of what's going on, and the questions you've left me asking are good driving forces. Why does Rudy hate dad? What does dad do? Why did dad call Rudy out?

You've made me proud, Ambar! I look forward to another Word Smash from you!

And you still get hearts, of course.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3