First 250 Words Smash! #56

Most Wonderful Author: Austin Graczyk @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Rebecca
Working Title: “Innocent Death (aka Brooks/Saunders)”

November 30, 2012

John Brooks wasn't listening to the preacher.

He had been, until the complete stranger started in on what a good man Hannon had been. That made him want to find something else to focus on.

It wasn't the preacher’s fault. He was only human. It was a small miracle he’d even agreed to say a funeral for a vampire.

A pink splotch across the glen caught Brooks’ eye.

It was a little girl in black, standing next to a tree with a bright pink umbrella over her head. She looked at him but then to the casket.

He looked back at it, too. It had been closed for the whole event, and with good reason: however much was left of Hannon wouldn’t be pretty. Fire, sunlight, beheading, and silver were the only ways to kill a vampire, and Hannon wasn't in an urn.

“And so, his partner would like to say a few words,” the preacher said with a look that caught Brooks’ attention.

He nodded and they changed places. He cleared his throat. “Thank you all for coming today. I know Agent Hannon would appreciate it.” He straightened his tie. “Hannon and I were friends for a long time. We were transformed together, in England, in the 1700’s. Unlike me, he never lost his accent. We traveled together for a long time, until the integration with the humans, and we didn’t separate for long, even then.

  


Strong Points –
A fantastic opening line. Its construction is simple, nothing flashy, but what makes it work is that it starts with a situation that feels wrong. Preachers are people whose entire jobs center around dispensing moral wisdom, so when someone chooses not to listen to the preacher, we know to expect some conflict of morals or ideals between the character and the preacher (or the preacher is just really boring, but that’d be kind of a copout plot-wise).

And I do like the way that initial conflict is connected to conflicts in the world at large, that hint at the world’s rules without going into a history lesson. The thing that’s “wrong” with the preacher is that he doesn’t really know Hannon, but he’s doing this despite there being some tensions (I assume!) between religious folks and vampires—and woah, vampires! What a plot bomb!

Similarly, we get some nice hard rules about vampires, along with this funny line:

… however much was left of Hannon wouldn’t be pretty. Fire, sunlight, beheading, and silver were the only ways to kill a vampire, and Hannon wasn't in an urn.

There’s a lot of intrigue built up here, including how and why Hannon died, and who is the little girl with the pink umbrella?


Some Tips –
And we have a lot of intrigue going, right until Brooks gives Hannon’s eulogy. Everything Brooks says appears to be backstory, and by the lack of closing quotes for the scene, I'm guessing it's going to go on for even longer. But even if the eulogy content was tweaked and shortened, there is still the problem that eulogies by their nature boil down to being real-life backstories.

Consider how other fictional works have used eulogies and funerals in their plot. If a eulogy is actually given, it's probably used in an ending scene, when the audience knows and can grieve alongside the characters.

The first two examples of fictional funerals that I can think of are in the movies "Big Fish" and "Death at a Funeral", both of which feature sons trying to understand their dads as they're dying or after they're dead. In those instances, the eulogies work great for showing how far characters have come in understanding their estranged fathers. But if a funeral happens closer to the beginning, the audience won't have the patience to sit through the eulogy of someone they don't know.

Instead, often just enough of the death or funeral are shown before delving into a movie-long flashback that takes the place of the eulogy—for example, think of movies like "Grave of the Fireflies", "Citizen Kane", or "Remember the Titans".

Consider instead giving only enough detail to show the funeral is happening, but then move on. I would omit the details of the eulogy since this is occurring so early in our plot. I think the opening lines tell us all the backstory we need to know: Brooks and Hannon are vampire-cops in a world where human preachers and vampires don't always get along.

With that out of the way, let's focus on the purpose of this scene to the plot. I'm guessing by the cop/thriller vibe I get from this scene, Hannon died under mysterious circumstances related to an unsolved case he was last working on, and it's up to Brooks to find out the true cause of his death!

In which case this funeral scene should be our introduction to this conflict. So what is about to happen? Does Brooks use the eulogy pulpit to say something he shouldn't, leading his boss to suggest he should "take some time off?" Or does the local mummy mob want him silenced for his outburst—permanently? Or does some mysterious someone (the girl in the parasol perhaps) have a lead for Brooks that breathes warmth into a cold case? Stick close to the plot, and the backstory should catch up in time.

Instead, replace the backstory with more details of this funeral scene that might give the reader a glimpse into this world. Right now, things are a little empty. Up until the introduction of the girl, the entire scene is Brooks telling us how displeased he is with the preacher. I can't even picture the preacher, since we're never given any clues to draw our own conclusions from—his face, his clothes, the condition of the Bible he might or might not be holding. Meanwhile, Brooks straight up tells us:

 That made him want to find something else to focus on.

So he's looking at everything but the preacher, and still he doesn't describe anything in his immediate vicinity. This little line of telling is a missed opportunity to show some world- and character-building description. Delay the umbrella a little longer, and take some time to describe the setting of the funeral, the gravesite, the people who showed up and the ones who are conspicuously absent. Then Brooks can easily segue to looking at the girl.

Some stronger word choices in the descriptions and actions could also help build the scene. For instance, the word "splotch" I would normally associate with messes and stains, but here it's used to describe a dainty, pink parasol.

Still, I think it's one of the more vivid words in the whole scene, and that pink parasol stuck with me more than any other detail. Other lines don't fare quite as well:

She looked at him but then to the casket.
He looked back at it, too.
...the preacher said with a look that caught Brooks’ attention.

Aside from the repetition, "look" is a weak word choice on its own, but it's made worse by the fact that when people sit around having eye conversations, not a lot happens. Perhaps an award-winning actor can put a variety of emotions into eyes that would leave audiences riveted, but in the book world it drags down the action. I would try and find more specific ways to convey these same scenarios.

For instance, in the first line, I think the change in the girl's attention is important, so that's an unavoidable bit of eye conversation. But perhaps there's a little more flavor there... is it an "Oops, I was caught staring" kind of looking away? Or a cool acknowledgement of his presence that shows wisdom far beyond her tender years? Or maybe she's been sending eye lasers into his back this whole time to let him know "We need to talk!"

The second sentence I would cut, simply for the reason that we are already seeing this story from Brooks' perspective, and saying he looked at something is redundant when we can just jump straight to the coffin in question.

And the third "look", I would be more specific in exactly the kind of expression it is that catches Brooks' attention. Since Brooks was contemplating the coffin a second ago, maybe it's not a visual cue, but a change in the preacher's tone or a throat clearing that brings him back. The degree of the change can also show just how swept away Brooks got by the coffin.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I never knew how badly I needed a story about vampire cops. Keep writing, keep editing. This intro could still use some polish, but I do want to know more of this story. If this is the action-packed mystery I suspect it is, I look forward to getting my hands on a hard copy someday!

First 250 Words Smash! #55

 

Most Wonderful Author: Renee @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Ange
Working Title: N/A

I swung the brass-

Wait, you need to hear the beginning first. I can't leave it out. I'm sorry.

I want you to know that I wasn't always a bad person before I tell you what I did.


The beginning wasn't at my birth. There were years worth of pieces that tied together to make the beginning.

My father. The way anger would distort his long face. The scar across his bottom lip, shaped like a half moon. The way he'd take me outside in the mornings he was home and watch birds with me. The weeks that went by without anyone hearing a word from him. He would come back with bruises and cuts on his face.

The gun I found under my parents' bed. I thought it was a toy and almost shot Galvin with it. My da' found the hole in the wall and I ran outside, climbed up a tree, hid in the branches until he found me. He leaned against the bark and looked up at me, silent and stiffer than the tree itself. He told me that if I didn't come down right then, I would be sleeping outside. I didn't move until he started to walk away, jumped down from a high branch and broke my ankle. When he made me stand in front of that wall and stare at the hole I made, there was a pale, itchy cast around my foot and cold metal digging into the back of my neck.

Strong Points –
There is a suspenseful feeling at the end of this that manages to draw me in and makes me want to read more. The “cold metal digging into the back of my neck” paired with “itchy cast around my foot” gives me, as a reader, insight into the circumstances in which the protagonist lives, but it also gives a forewarning, a hint, that there’s going to be action further on which is neat. The text does create tension, which is good because tension drives plot.

I also like the attention to accent detail, e.g. “my da’.” It creates a little bit of a background picture and I’m a big fan of getting small tidbits of a background through these little details that are dropped throughout the text, rather than spelling such things out. It’s much more...discreet and simplistic. And it makes it necessary for the reader to think a little for themselves, which I personally think is super neat!

And while I’m on details: I really like the details regarding this person’s father. Just like I previously said, I’m a big fan of small hints being dropped and figuring things out with the help of them, and the attention to detail concerning the father helps me build a picture of their relationship with each other as well as form an idea of who and what the father is like.


Some Tips –
Although I do like the tension, which is a small glimpse of plot, the problem is I don’t really get that much plot. I get promised plot, but then this plot, this action, is paused to give me background, which personally I find a little frustrating. That’s not to say that it’s not a commonly used tool; it’s often used in storytelling between friends, and I can think of three TV series’ episodes at the top of my head that use this technique. They give you a glimpse of action and then “48 hours earlier” or something to the likes, and, personally, I find it equally frustrating each time. However, in a book, this method, usually in the form of a prologue—aside from my own personal frustration—can be somewhat problematic.

First of all, there’s a risk in books, that by doing this the narrative leaves out important details because it’s rushed. And in that case, it might be wiser to simply flesh it out so as to make sure that all important things are included. On the flip side, to be brutally honest, if this scene is not important to the story, then perhaps it doesn’t need to be included.

Every scene should focus on telling the reader a story. Every scene should capture some kind of moment, whether that’s contributing to the story development, conflict, the character development, or necessary background information. If this scene fits into one of those categories, the story might benefit from expanding on the scene and fully fleshing it out rather than rushing through it. When a text is rushed, it prevents the reader from successfully creating a mental picture of what is happening, and anything that prevents the reader’s painting is, unless intended, usually not a good thing. Unless the reader is supposed to be confused, the text should not confuse the reader. The risk is that the reader will lose interest and stop reading.

If the background information is important to the conflict, the story, why is it summarised? If it is necessary in order to understand the rest of the conflict, it should be fleshed out and give the readers all of the information, rather than a summarised version of it.

To illustrate my point, here is an example.

Following is Divergent, rewritten in the same form the above intro is written.

I open my eyes and thrust my arm out. My blood drips onto the carpet between the two bowls. Then, with a gasp I can’t contain, I shift my hand forward–

But wait, you need to know the beginning first. You need to know how I got here.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was never supposed to choose this.

When we are sixteen we go through the ceremony, the Choosing Ceremony, and it determines our fate. It determines where we will live out our lives.

I’m told it was different before the war. But the war changed everything. Supposedly for everlasting peace we, the population, were split into five factions. We are born and we die in these factions. Many of us are born, raised, and die in the same faction, but some of us are born and raised in one, but die in another.

If you choose a faction that you weren’t born in, didn’t grow up in, you are ripped from your family. You’re only allowed to see them once a year. Faction over blood.

And as a contrast, this is the actual beginning of Divergent:

There is one mirror in my house. It is behind a sliding panel in the hallway upstairs. Our faction allows me to stand in front of it on the second day of every third month, the day my mother cuts my hair.

I sit on the stool and my mother stands behind me with the scissors, trimming. The strands fall on the floor in a dull, blond ring.

When she finishes, she pulls my hair away from my face and twists it into a knot. I note how calm she looks and how focused she is. She is well-practiced in the art of losing herself. I can’t say the same of myself.

I sneak a look at my reflection when she isn’t paying attention–not for the sake of vanity, but out of curiosity. A lot can happen to a person’s appearance in three months. In my reflection, I see a narrow face, wide, round eyes, and a long, thin nose–I still look like a little girl, though sometime in the last few months I turned sixteen. The other factions celebrate birthdays, but we don’t. It would be self-indulgent.

Notice how Roth isn’t afraid to dig into the details here, even going so far as to describe the reflection the main character sees in the mirror. And in this she gives us background, and only background. There’s no interruption anywhere. She’s laying the groundwork for the rest of the story here.

Imagine building a house; if the groundwork isn’t complete, there’s an overhanging risk that the house will fall, or collapse. It’s the same when writing. If there are flaws in the foundation, the rest of the building will eventually suffer.

Roth does very well in beginning her novel where the actual story begins, while still managing to sprinkle important background information throughout the story in a way that doesn't interrupt the flow of the text. However, it’s important to note that there are books that begin with background information (especially in MG literature). It has been done before, it has worked, and it still works. It all depends on what audience you want your story to reach. Storytelling is always subjective, and there’s never any set rule or formula to follow.

Just as well, sometimes things need to be summarised. Too many details, especially if they don’t further plot or character development in any way, may end up giving the text—any text—a 'thick' feeling, hampering the pacing, and that can be tough to read. There’s always a balance to keep in mind, regardless of what you’re writing.



Would I Keep Reading?
I would read the next line, just because of the last line in this text. I’m too curious as to what happens next not to. I’m incredibly intrigued by the taste of plot, there’s something solid there, and with a bit of revision to show the plot more clearly, my mind would probably be changed.

Good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #39

Most Wonderful Author: Cactuar
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

They always sat, him and Halil, perched atop the towering walls in the evenings, sharing what food they could scrape together and looking out towards their doom, the black silhouettes which swarmed over the hills surrounding their city, once home to some of the best vineyards in the whole of the world-- now a scarred and barren expanse marked by the charred remains of an arbor here or there, sticking out of the ashes like the blackened bones of some long-dead beast.

He didn't know why they did it. It wasn't as if seeing them out there helped anything. There was no help for any of it. Nothing to do but sit and talk and eat what they could find, and watch Halil's eyes grow colder and darker and harder with every day that passed.

By now, the stores had gotten so low and nerves frayed so raw by the fear of what was coming that violence was breaking out among the citizens. The day before, the guards had violently repelled a group of panicked townsfolk trying to throw open the gates. Surrender, and hope for mercy…though, they had to know that it was far too late for that. Surrender, then, and at least get it all over with a little faster.

As it turned out, they didn’t have much longer to wait. Five days later the gate fell, and Halil turned to Kadri and suggested that they jump.

"Jump?" he'd squeaked in reply, leaning out over the edge [...]

Strong Points –
What I liked about this was the subtlety in the writing. It’s definitely far from purple prose, but in that aspect, I like it. The simplicity makes description like “sticking out of the ashes like the blackened bones of some long-dead beast” stand out like a frame around a portrait, so I like it. (And I absolutely love that metaphor, like wow, so perfect for the atmosphere and mood.)

The first paragraph is definitely my favorite, because not only does it build up the surroundings, but it builds up the setting. It effortlessly begs the question “what happened here?” without ever prompting the words. That’s definitely a skill that takes practice to evolve.


Some Tips –
While I love the first paragraph, the following paragraphs fell into the trap of exposition and info-dumping, all “telling”. The first paragraph does a good job of setting up the scene, but then we lose it when we enter all the background telling.

While this information might be critical for the reader to know, it delays the start of the actual story, the reason why readers picked up the book, and there are other ways to unpack it other than taking up so much of the crucial opening paragraphs. A good way to unload all this necessary background information is to unload ideas with and between dialogue. Check out the example I have in that old post, and also the super old post linked above. These’ll help create some strategies on how to tackle adding backstory in as it becomes necessary.

Of course, there are times where telling is absolutely necessary and okay. (There’s a post somewhere about this that I saw recently, but for the life of me, I can’t find it.) A good balance of showing versus telling and telling versus showing keeps the dynamic of the world and character intentions clear and distinct and focused. The art of showing alone simply can’t reveal all that necessary information, but in the beginning, setting up the story is critical. Finding this balance will take practice (I can definitely attest to that, because it’s one that I’m still far from mastering).

Secondly, be aware of word choice. “Doom” for me is a word that says very little in the context of a narrative because it’s something that’s relative. The definition of it changes from person to person. Also, there’s the connotation of the word that hits the scale of “epic” for me, a word so overused because of its dramatic flair that I can’t see it used in fiction anymore – not in a serious manner, anyway. In modern dialogue, sure. Or even in the narrative from the POV of a modern voice.

Other than that, I’d say be conscious of grammar such as “he and Halil” versus “him and Halil”. Another bit is that the first paragraph is all one sentence. That’s 82 words in one sentence with five commas and one dash. That sentence can definitely be broken up, and it might improve how the opening flows.

Also, as a final note, check out 250 Words Smash #37 for some tidbits on dialogue tags.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. Half the intro was exposition, so I didn’t have much of a chance to get into the story. I’d like to see a revision, though, and then I’d get a better sample of the writing, too. Since the exposition was mostly summary, it’s difficult to get a better feel for prose. I’m sure I’d have more feedback then!

Good luck!

♥♡❥

First 250 Words Smash! #37

Most Wonderful Author: Ibi @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: Icarus: The Rise and Fall of Grey Warren, (self-proclaimed) Rock God

Tracey wasn't in her dorm room, and according to her roommate she hadn't been there all day. Of course, Marlena was kind of a colossal bitch who gave Grey the stink eye every time he came over and made a big production about going to bed at, like, nine thirty if he had the audacity to still be in the room, so Grey wasn't quite willing to just take her word on it.

Tracey liked to joke about fucking on Marlena's bed whenever she wasn't there, which honestly wasn't often. At least, Grey hoped it was a joke. He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods. But they weren't off just then, not that Grey knew about, so there really shouldn't be any reason for that pinched and unpleasant look on Marlena's face.

“Do you know when she’ll be back, then?” he asked.

He felt it wasn't a completely unreasonable question—this was his actual girlfriend he was talking about, after all, not some random person he was ineptly trying to stalk—and he didn't think that Epic Eye-Roll was at all warranted.

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

Strong Points –
Right away I’m thinking this is a NA (New Adult) contemporary romance, and I can definitely see this kind of thing with a rocking cover. The character voice comes forward in an in-your-face way, which I love. I can already tell he’s the kind of guy I’d want to drop-kick in the face and I’m geared for some serious character development already. And even from the two strings of dialogue, awesome. Perfectly natural, and I can just hear their voices in my head as if I’d already spent time with them and got to know them.


Some Tips –
The craft is still pretty raw, but the talent is definitely there. Fine-tuning the writing will bring the story up a hundred levels, and they’re some pretty easy fixes.

Let’s start with the first thing: the opening. The first two paragraphs are 100% backstory, AKA exposition. This exposition delays the start of the action – the actual story begins at the very end of the second paragraph, with Marlena’s expression. That backstory might be necessary to properly set up the scene, but it’s more effective to drop the necessary bits intermittently between dialogue and actions – as the story requires it. Let the narrative generate the question, then give answers as necessary, instead of giving all the answers up front and then asking all the questions. Let the readers ask the questions (“Why is Marlena making that face?”) and then provide the answers.

Secondly: divide up the long sentences. While they’re definitely part of Grey’s voice and a bit of a stylistic device, the series of long sentences that try to cram as much information as possible into one line can be disorienting. Let’s take this example:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods.

That’s all, technically, one sentence. If I were an editor (a big “IF”, since grammar and punctuation law is way too dizzying for me to care too much about), I might chop it up to look like this:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed. (That was just…creepy. And unsanitary, probably.) But he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that, whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods, she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommate’s sheets.

What did I do? Made the first part its own sentence, as well as the parentheses, and then the last part. Also, since I was grappling with what Grey and Tracey’s relationship were, the third part threw me off as I was reading until I got to the very end. To prevent that confusion, I moved the piece closer to the beginning of the sentence.

(Oh, and I also added an apostrophe to “roommates” to mark possession.)

Finally, dialogue tags/indicators/direction. I believe more in dialogue “lead-in” than dialogue tags, but let me explain using an example:

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

As a reader, and even as a slow reader (admittedly, since most of my friends finished the last Harry Potter in a matter of a few days and it took me about a week or so), I tend to gloss over dialogue tags. The thing is, by the time I’ve read the dialogue, I’ve already characterized the voice and the way the words were spoken, so to have the dialogue tags afterward to tell me I read the dialogue incorrectly is jarring.

“Said” and “ask” are good, simple things that serve their purpose of disappearing. They’re there only to mark who’s spoken. However, “speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible” is the stage direction that’s jarring. This doesn’t mean it has to be crossed out, of course. But, for me, it reads a whole lot better if I have the stage direction before the dialogue. It could read something like this:

She spoke as slowly and condescendingly as possible. “I don’t fucking know, ok?”

A dialogue tag isn’t even needed then because the lead-in suffices as an indicator for who’s speaking, and how.

Ultimately the use of dialogue tags is a stylistic thing, but I think writing is so much stronger when they’re limited or arranged more advantageously. Any writing that draws attention to itself can instantly jolt readers from the story. This is a way of preventing that.

Other than that, make sure to keep in the correct tense (“… so there really shouldn't be any reason …” as opposed to “… so there really shouldn’t have been any reason …”) and to consider bits and pieces of description. I don’t know what anyone or anything looks like (although the opening exposition stole much of the opportunity for description), or any of the other senses.

Oh – and I also substituted your slightly changed title for the one you emailed, since I know you participated in the KSW First Impressions title series. Honestly, I think dropping "Icarus" makes the title stronger and less "telling". (Maybe even taking out "and fall"?) You don't want to give away the whole story with the title!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. The writing needs to be stronger first, but I can definitely already sense a market for this – which is a hugely good thing. When lit agents read requested work, they not only read to enjoy, but also read to see how sellable the manuscript is. This has a market, I can already tell, and once the writing is stronger, I can see this getting high request rates (or even doing well on the Indie and self-pub platform, since NA is a big seller there, too).

Good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #33

Most Courageous Author: Megan || Novels @ Wordpress
Evil and Slimy Editor: Victoria
Working Title: The Nightlings

The grave had changed in the last month: like Monday's life, it had acquired an air of abandonment around it. The January snow had already begun to cover the hill of dirt that once told Monday where to find her friend, but Monday had visited the grave so often that she knew its location by heart. As she stood in front of the grave, surrounded by the dead, she marveled at the fresh headstone and envied the dead girl. The headstone was a shock. Until this morning, Monday had felt like she was in a fog, that the death wasn't real, but the arrival the marker this morning had made it surreal. Monday realized, in her weakened hungry state, with no home to go back to, that for the first time in her seventeen years she longed for her own headstone and to join her friend six feet under.

But then who would look after the dead?

Every morning since arriving in Syringa, Monday woke up in one of the abandoned mausoleums. The snow had made the graveyard cold and isolating. To pass the time, Monday started to tend to the dead; she would clean the leaves off the graves, push away snow, and polish the head stones. The Syringa cemetery was beautiful, with snow covered lilacs cascading over the hills of tombstones, the trees blocked the sun letting in only slivers of light. This was the perfect place for Monday to hide; but it also made her lonely.

Strong Points-
First of all, let me commend you for doing an excellent job at describing the cemetery. I really love how you've mentioned the canopy of trees, the lilies left on the graves with the snow settled onto them, and how you make sure to mention that Monday is very conscious of the fact that she is surrounded by the dead. It's a very chilling and grim atmosphere, but it puts us right into what kind of story we will be reading from the very beginning.

Also, instead of dumping a whole slew of information or background story or world facts on us, you've slipped it in here and there, giving us just enough to want more as you begin where the story should begin. That's really hard to learn how to do, so this is awesome!


Some Tips-
Mostly what I'm going to knock you on is a lot of telling. You tell us things like Monday is lonely, that the snow is isolating, and that Monday is hungry and weak. I want to know these things, but I want to know what they feel like to Monday and not how I imagine they feel. For example, does her hunger make her dizzy? Do her hands shake or do they just feel like they're too heavy to lift? Hungry is just a word. I can put some feelings to it, but they won't be nearly as vivid as what you choose to describe.

Just as well, lonely is just a word. If you describe the hollow feeling caused by loneliness, or how long it's been since she's spoken aloud or how much she wants to see someone, even just a few words will give me something more to put to Monday and how it resonates in her. Not only that, but it gives me a better idea of what kind of person Monday is without you having to outright tell me.

Also, I think you would benefit greatly from taking a better look into dominant impression. You've already started doing this with the headstone and the graveyard, but sharpening those budding skills would really, really help this out. Essentially this is how the character interacts with and interprets their surroundings. What they do with it, what they feel about it, and the details they notice that others perhaps might not pick up on.

For some help on dominant impression, Sarah just posted a writing exercise on the KSW tumblr, so this is pretty perfect timing! Check it out, I really think you could benefit from it.


Would I keep reading?
Yes, I believe so! I really like the dark and dreary thing you have going on with Monday, and I'm curious about her situation. And, turns out I can keep reading! So any others who are just as intrigued with Monday as I am, head on over to Megan's Novels where she posts the chapters of her story to keep her motivated. Great idea! But don't be shy, if you ever want to resubmit, we'd be glad to take another look at your intro!

First 250 Words Smash! #30

Fabulous and Fierce Author: Shannen
Drab and Uncool Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

I can only imagine what it must feel like, waiting for news, hoping for the best.

Time slows down as you wait. Your hands are in your hair and your eyes, bloodshot and puffy from crying. You drown your blood with caffeine to stay awake, and you pace back and forth for hours, walking off the sleep. You check your watch, every few minutes or so, wondering what’s taking them so long.

Finally a nurse calls your name.

………………………………………………………………………………

It was my first day in third grade and I was pretty happy to be back in school, even after having confirmed that Joanne did in fact change schools. Since kindergarten, every single one of my ‘best friends’ transferred schools after a year of being with me. After my second best friend left, the disappearance of the third was no surprise.

I took my seat by the window, and I waited for classes to start. The sooner we start, the sooner I get to go home. Familiar faces made their way to their seats in front of me, behind me; away from me. It’s alright.. I’ll have more space for myself this way. My annual mantra.

Nobody liked me; it was obvious, and I wasn’t really keen on finding out the reason. Maybe I’m breathing wrongly, or writing wrongly, or eating wrongly, or walking wrongly. Maybe they don’t like me because Mommy always looks bad, but I’m not allowed to tell them what happened, or Daddy will hit me again...

Strong Points-
 The third grader's worries very nicely set up some questions for us without outright telling us what is different about your character. We just see that it looks like your MC has worries that they're not like everyone else, and that it seems they've been taught to act like a human being. Are they not human? Is that why they had to be coached? Why do they always lose their best friends?

These are really awesome questions! I really like the set up and I'm super intrigued by what your MC actually is! What happened to mom? I want to knowwwww.


Some Tips-
Your best description is in the first part, and it definitely set the mood and put some pretty nice pictures in my head. I didn't put it in your strong areas though because I'm going to suggest you cut the whole first part. It's jarring to move from the intro into the story, and it distracts from the more important plot points you have going on in the very beginning of your story. You don't need that extra bit. Your story is plenty interesting without it, and I'd much rather read about what's happening with your MC.

So, that said, I'd rather you take more description and inject it into the scene you're left with. There really is nothing but some exposition going on there. It's important exposition, but I want visuals to go with it. How vividly does your MC recall being in third grade? How much do they remember about their class room? Does it bring back nostalgia? Or does the memory conjure up bad feelings? Simply telling us 'I was happy' doesn't give me much. It's almost sort of sterile. Now, if you describe what happiness feels like to your MC, I have a much better idea of what kind of person they are, even when they were a little person.

Also, consider reading others and look at how they weave exposition into the story. You did some of this, and that's awesome, because no one wants an info dump at the very beginning of their story. That bogs it down, makes people feel like they're trudging through all of the details they need to understand what they're reading. But readers are smart. They can figure stuff out if you give it to them in hints and teaspoons as you go.

Another suggestion is that you don't have to worry about italicizing your MC's thoughts. It draws more attention to those words than may be wholly necessary, and it might end up being distracting. Since you're writing this passage in first person, everything is their thought. This is all one story told in their thoughts. You are permanently in their head, so you don't need to separate or signal out what they're thinking.


Would I keep reading?
Not just yet. But I am really curious to see what's going on with your MC and, after how much description you put into the first part, I know you can do some really good things with your writing! So please resubmit, I'm dying to revise this once polish it up some more! <3 <3 <3 Thank you so much for letting us see your writing!

First 250 Words Smash! #20

Very Hip Author: Emily || Waltzconfuoco @ Tumblr
Square Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

This prison cell has twenty-two vertical bars – the same number of Kings Antova has had in its existence as a nation.  The symbolism has not escaped me, though I’ve got a hunch it’s purely coincidental.

One bed was thrown into this cell for me to rest on while the King “deliberates.”  As I lay on this bed, I consider how much nicer it is than the one I’ve got at home.  No wonder so many of us commit federal crimes: the lodging is fantastic.

I stare at the lock on the door across the cell.  Had they not stripped me of everything off my back, I know I could easily pick it and run away.  The clothes they gave me to wear, including a pair of slippers to avoid the concrete floor, are itchy but warm.  Sanitation was probably the main reason for these slippers, but I’m trying not to think about it too much.

On my way in, I noticed that there are far too many cells to be plausible; my hallway goes down at least one-hundred meters, and that’s not to say this is the only hallway.  As far as I can tell, though, I’m the only person locked up in the royal dungeon right now.  I try to imagine a time when all these cells would’ve been necessary, but I can’t.

While I entertain the idea of my brother rushing down here to save me, I’m startled by a masculine voice.

Strong Points -
Right away you've built up your setting without an info dump, and you did a spectacular job of that. There are just enough tidbits for us to understand where our main character is and what sort of atmosphere the MC has been living in, but you haven't outright told us anything, and you didn't begin with a butt-load of exposition and background information. Instead, I love that you've weaved it into the beginning of the story. 

You've also captured the feeling of the cell really well, and raised plenty of questions. Why is the MC the only one in the royal jail? Why is the kingdom in such a poor state? Will the brother save the MC? What is the king "deliberating" about?

Just as well, already I have a pretty good idea of your character. They're not panicking, and everything is level-headed observation, even bitter in some places. That alone says a lot about their disposition and their situation, as well as what kind of person they are, and I feel that's much more important than knowing their name, gender and age.


Some Tips -
Honestly, I had a lot of trouble finding tips to help you out! You did such a good job with your opening, but there must always be room for a little improvement, right?

I think you can hone your description just a little bit more. You've started with some basics in the different senses, such as the itchy, warm clothes, and the fact that the bed is more comfortable, but those are descriptions that are still a bit vague and can yet be unpacked. Does the bed cradle your MC? Is it so fluffy it swallows them up? Does it smell of the people who used it last? Are the sheets clean or stained? 'Nicer than the one I've got at home' gives us something to imagine, but it doesn't paint a very vivid picture. If sanitation is a problem, is the cell stinky?

These are just suggestions, you don't have to take any of those ideas to liven up your description. But I believe you can breathe more life into this world you've created. As of right now your cell is a bit vague, a little blurry. Give us a clear picture, even if it's just a few extra words here and there woven in just as you did with your exposition.


Would I keep reading?
Yes! The questions you have me asking are killing me! And that last line WHO IS THE MASCULINE VOICE I really look forward to seeing the rest of this work someday! As always, though, you can still resubmit if you feel you must, or send us another work! <3 <3 <3