First 250 Words Smash! #53

Most Wonderful Author: Hafza @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Rebecca
Working Title: "Those Who Walk the Darkness"

“Shh, yes, that’s it.” His mother’s voice guided his hand. There was a shift and he slipped. “Oh, be careful, it’s hard to get good ones like these now. They’ve started watching now.”

“But they can’t always be watching, right, Mummy?” His voice was small and childish in the flickering lamplight. There was a low laugh from beyond the edge of the light.

“That’s right, my son. They can’t always be on guard. The darkness cannot be banished for long, and they can’t escape the shadows forever.” He finished his last stroke and reached for the cloth to wipe. “You’re not finished yet.” His mother’s voice was sharp. He sighed as only a small child can, dramatic and exhaustive. “Moth-er!”

“You know that we are not done. Come, I shall show you once more. But from then on you must do it properly yourself.”

She bent to the table and made two caressing movements with the knife. “Can I try it again, Mother?” She looked down at the little boy and smiled. “Not now, my child. Now, we must leave. The Coven is calling, and we have tarried here too long."

“Come here now.” She gathered him in her cloak and disappeared in a swirl of shadows, leaving behind a lone figure on the table. As the lamp flickered out, the last fingers of light illuminated a girl’s face, mutilated and bloody, with two long cuts extending from the corners of her lips, stretched in one last gruesome grin.

Strong Points –
Wow, what a hook! I think this is a great place to start the story, sparking a lot of questions that the reader must keep reading to find out. Why is the Coven calling? Who was the girl, and what was their purpose in carving up her body? How many more bodies have they and will they get away with mutilating?

But at the same time, I really love the contrast of that gruesome ending with the sweet interactions between a mother and child. There were a lot of great moments where the mother-child bond was shown really well:

His mother’s voice guided his hand.

As well as her “caressing” movements with the knife! Add into that the mystery of his mother always just outside of the lamplight, and her mysterious shadow-swirling powers, and we have a really intriguing set-up for a story!


Some Tips –
Making the reader ask some questions is a great tactic to keep them reading, but if the reader asks too many questions, they’ll start to lose their immersion in the story’s world. A lot of what this scene so far is missing is setting—where and when the mother and boy are located. Are they carving up the girl in their personal basement dungeon, or is this out in the woods under a full moon? Is it maybe even in the girl’s own house, where someone could walk in at any moment? Don’t feel pressured to come right out and tell us “This body is located in the basement of 221B Baker St,” but leaving little hints to allow the reader to draw their own conclusions will do the work for you.

For instance, I think we already have some idea of the time period from the mention of the flickering lamp. I assume this takes place sometime before electricity, when lanterns were common. So let’s look at the other furniture we have: the table. Is it a dining room table? An operating room table? Just an ordinary, nondescript oaken table, but with old stains and cuts carved into the wood? Think about what that table could add to the story with the perfect choice of detail, and perhaps there are other props in the immediate surrounding that can help set this scene as well.

A large portion of the lack of detail also stems from the scene’s tone and its balance of Shock and Suspense, the two building blocks of the horror genre. This scene was written with the intent to shock and scare with the big reveal at the end, which is a tried and true storytelling technique! But in order to convey that big shock, I think a lot of the details were withheld from the reader so it would be a greater surprise, resulting in a lot of ambiguous actions occurring in empty space.

This scene could benefit from more concrete details, but those details don’t necessarily have to ruin the surprise at the end. Instead, choosing to reveal the right details should instead ramp up the suspense and make the reader dread the final reveal even more.

For instance, what is the strongest surprise at the end of this scene? I would think that creepy grin and the girl’s dead body. Currently the scene neatly avoids it, and I can almost picture it like a movie camera, zooming in so we can’t tell what’s really going on! However, does the knife need to be hidden in the same way as the body? Let’s look at the first lines of action.

His mother’s voice guided his hand. There was a shift and he slipped.

As I mentioned before, I love that first sentence. The construction is simple, but effective. Subject (voice) followed immediately by verb (guided) and direct object (hand). The first part of the next sentence though is written in the passive voice, “There was.” Those two words in combination tell the readers nothing, yet take up the most important roles in the sentence: subject and verb. The only reason they’re used is to avoid mentioning the knife to the reader. In fact, the final paragraph has such wonderful active and strong verb choices, I think all of the passive voice is a side effect of hiding information to make the twist that much more shocking.

So let’s imagine the same sentence, but this time, show the reader the knife in the little boy’s hands. That sentence can instead read as “The knife shifted.” Or perhaps we’ll get more specific with how exactly its slicing, with “The knife stuck” or “The knife twisted”; or maybe even it’s the boy’s hands that are unsteady, and we can change it to:

The boy’s hands shifted and the knife slipped (in his grasp/and sunk in too far/etc.).

See how much clearer of an image we get from those sentences without even knowing what the knife is cutting? And you can bet the first question on the reader’s mind is “What the heck is that little boy doing with that knife?” But at the same time the right verb choice will make the reader who goes back to reread the scene cringe even more, which is exactly what we want them to do.

Doing a quick read-through of the rest of these sentences and keeping an eye out for more passive voice and weak verbs will help solidify a lot of this scene’s details. For more examples on correcting passive voice, check out Word Smash #42.

Finally, I want to touch on dialogue a bit. On my first read-through, I’m not sure how much information I got out of the dialogue, because I rushed through a lot of it to get to the action and figure out what the mother and son were doing. A lot of that will be corrected with the ambiguity and passive voice fixes I mentioned above, but then I will probably read through just as fast out of pure suspense. I don’t think that’s a bad thing for readers to do, but the writing should take that into account.

A lot of people advise eavesdropping and writing down conversations as people actually talk as an exercise to improve dialogue. While I think that is certainly an important step to get used to flow of conversations, I think it’s also important to remember that dialogue in fiction should cut a lot of the wasted words, like um's and Well's and all that filler we squeeze in while we think of what to say next. Contractions also help move the reader's eye along, unless a character is overly formal. While there's something to be said about Character Voice, dialogue can still be kept simple, so think really hard about every word, to make sure it is working towards either conveying information and moving plot, or revealing the character of the person speaking.

Try making a list of all the important info that the reader should get from the dialogue. For this scene, I would have things like mother teaching son, someone is onto their plans and "started watching", and “The coven is calling." Then I would try and cut the filler that gets in the way of the reader remembering that information. For instance, notice how you could take all of these bolded words out without changing the meaning of the dialogue:

“Shh, yes, that’s it.” [ ... ] “Oh, be careful, it’s hard to get good ones like these now. They’ve started watching now.”

Personally, I’m especially harsh on interjections like “Oh” because I recognize that’s a problem in my own dialogue. Seriously. I’ll look at five lines in a row that all start "Well, Well, Well!" So sometimes I make arbitrary rules for myself, like only one "well" per scene. I probably wouldn't cut all the bolded words in that sentence, but I would take a moment and think, is this word working to reveal my character's voice and tone? For instance, that first Shh—perfect for showing the mother's caring tone and also perhaps the secrecy of the scene. I would vote keep!

On the other hand, I did notice a lot of “Now” recurring in this scene--five, in just six short paragraphs! I would recommend cutting the ones that aren't necessary for sentence meaning to avoid word overdose. Same for names and ways of addressing other characters. We already know from the action that these two are mother and son, so we don't need to hear that except when it's necessary (Like that whiny "Mooo-theeeerrr!").

And on a side note, it's usually good style to have a new paragraph begin when a new character speaks up. That way when readers are reading super fast because the scene is so intense, their eyes can use the empty space to keep track of who is speaking! In Paragraphs 3 and 5, I would make the lines of dialogue into new paragraphs, just so the reader has an easier time keeping track of who is speaking. And between paragraphs 5 and 6, I wouldn't put a break there unless there's a line of action or description in between.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I'm curious where you could go with these fixes. I already see a lot of those things working so well in that last paragraph, so I'm hopeful I won't be able to put the next version down!

First 250 Words Smash! #51

Most Wonderful Author: M. Halter @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Katie
Working Title: N/A

Pain drove Shannon to her knees.  One hand pressed to the grit of the floor, the other clapped against bruised ribs, fingers inspecting the rungs woven through her left lung where, deep within, the impeller of a pneumatic pump struggled to turn.  Don’t cough…don’t—   Stars swarmed her vision before she was through, and a nudging at the shutters again slammed the morning into focus.  She grabbed the black-headed spear and unlatched the window, piebald head of a stallion barreling through, nostrils flared, ears thrust forward.  Her soft laugh was a small victory.

“Ready, Atticus?”

They sighed as one, leaning against each other in wan light before he danced away and she followed, pulling low the brim of her shabby felt hat.  By nightfall, their fields lay far behind them.

Shannon scouted ahead, watching for black ground beneath lengthening shadow, gritting her teeth at the whine of axle motors pulling iron wheels through deep ruts of a dry summer.  She led Atticus from the road and into a copse on good soil, unhitching him to examine the catheter plugs dotting his body.  Unbuckled leather boots fell away from his sloughing flesh, exposing the bioelectric prosthetics replacing everything below his rear hocks.

“They’ll graft new skin on your legs when we get there,” she rocked back on her heels, sighing, “but until then you need the boots.” 

Strong Points –
We’re going on an adventure!  There is a lot of action happening right away in this story, which should help to pull readers in and keep them engaged.  A couple of questions spring to mind:  Where are they going?  Why are they semi-robotic?  What happened to Shannon and/or her horse?  There is an element of mystery that made me curious about the path of the story.  Also, the use of machinery in conjunction with a rustic feel in the setting makes a sort of steampunk vibe, which is an interesting take!  I got the feeling that an adventure was underway and I was dropped right before the thick of it, which is exciting to experience!  I feel bad for the horse, even though he seems to be doing okay.

I also really liked the word choice!  Saying “their fields lay far behind them” as opposed to “they covered a long distance” creates a more effective tone, implying that they have abandoned the familiarity of their home rather than just traveling aimlessly.  This connotation is what helps create a bit of dramatic tension and makes me wonder where we’re going!  Another bit that I liked was the description of the horse (“piebald head of a stallion barreling through, nostrils flared, ears thrust forward”), because these descriptive words lend to the feeling of impending action  I don’t know a whole lot about horses, but his apparent enthusiasm told through his body language feels like he is poised, he’s ready to go, and he’s excited to embark on Shannon’s quest.


Some Tips –
I think one of the most important parts of setting a scene is the pacing.  This passage starts out with “Pain drove Shannon to her knees,” something dramatic and troubling and mysterious, so I became concerned and found myself reading quickly from sentence to sentence.  A tension blossoms in the shortness of sentence fragments:

• the pain strikes
• her hand braces her body
• she touches her mechanical parts to try and figure out what’s wrong
• she almost blacks out

This quick succession of actions creates intensity.  But then the emergence of her horse interrupts the scene and this feeling of urgency dissipates; having a “nudging at the window” slows down the narrative because it is a much more mild word compared to the “clap” she gives her ribs or the “slammed” feeling her mind gets in reaction to the horse’s appearance.

As a whole, I think the transitions need to be looked over.  The initial setting seems to be in a building, perhaps in the morning, which is perfectly fine on its own, but there is no easing into the next bit where Shannon and Atticus are apparently outside.  This can just be a tiny note, like, “She met him beside the window,” or, “She climbed through the window and landed at his side.”

Then, I would consider the space they cover on their travel:  is it an easy, familiar ride?  Are they nervous to be far from home?  There is a lot of great implied emotion right before they take off on their quest (the pain bringing her to her knees, the fidgeting with her robotic parts, the laugh she gives when Atticus appears):  more small notes like this in the new surroundings that suggest the nature of the ride itself would really help to build up the feeling (i.e. how the characters are reacting to their situation), which can oftentimes be more effectual than describing the physical scene.

Fixing up the transitions from scene to scene will help to create a better, smoother overall flow to the story so reading along is easy and natural-feeling.

Another idea I had was this:  I think a great way to really understand how a paragraph or passage flows is to read it aloud.  I would try this to find instances of accidental rhyming, such as “fingers inspecting the rungs woven through her left lung”, or to pinpoint missing words, such as within the following: “She … unlatched the window, piebald head of a stallion barreling through.”  This way, hearing the words can help find quirks that reading them silently can’t.


Would I Keep Reading?
I think if you tweak what you’ve got, you could really have something here!  I like the idea of combining futuristic technologies with more rustic elements, and I think you could definitely root some emotional and political feelings in biotechnology that could definitely spark some interesting discussions.  I want to know about Shannon and Atticus’ respective history and future, and what their journey holds for them!

First 250 Words Smash! #50

Most Wonderful Author: Nidoran @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: Thief

Kaslen always thought herself to be a very good thief. The guards who caught her stealing, however, did not.

She sat on a  wooden bench in a dank prison cell so old that moss grew between the stones that made up the floor and walls. The cell had a single window, only a foot tall and twice as wide with iron bars added to obstruct both the view and any chance at escape.

She’d only been there a few hours (not even long enough to get a meal of stale bread and murky water), and her sentence wasn’t a long one.  For the crime of stealing a single apple from a stall in the market, her punishment was to be imprisoned for one night or lose a hand. Being an intelligent thief in addition to a very good thief, Kaslen chose the former.

Despite the guards thinking that she was one of the worst thieves they’d ever had the pleasure of putting in prison, Kaslen had the delight in knowing that everything had gone according to plan. So long as everyone suspected the contrary, Kaslen would always rest easy knowing that she was indeed a very good thief.

Kaslen’s sentence was so short the guards didn’t make her change into prison rags, as was typical. Instead, they took her boots, socks, and worn leather vest full of empty pockets (she left her valuables with someone she thought was trustworthy) so all she had left was her sleeveless undershirt and leggings.

Strong Points –
The strongest thing that resonated most with me was Kaslen’s voice. She comes through in every single sentence, and she sets the tone and the mood pretty darn effortlessly. Everything in the passage was an easy read, easy to follow, and Kaslen’s voice is a big part of that. Seriously, voice is such a pivotal component in fiction, especially for teen and kid fiction, so to be able to manage a good balance of it is A+.

And, on a similar note, I love the overall tone of what I’m about to get into. There’s this twisted seriousness that doubles back on itself and actually reads contrarily. An example is this line: “her punishment was to be imprisoned for one night or lose a hand. Being an intelligent thief in addition to a very good thief, Kaslen chose the former.” It’s the type of subtle humor that I really enjoy, and it keeps the tone almost airy.


Some Tips –
The writing itself is pretty solid, so the stuff I’m going to talk about is more conceptual – stuff to consider beyond prose. Story stuff. Yeah. So, let’s start with the biggest thing.

The intro is primarily setup, not the story. In this case, we get to hear a lot about the stuff that happened before the story begins. Kaslen was caught stealing something, Kaslen was put in a cell, Kaslen’s sentence was decided to be short, Kaslen had a trustworthy person hold her important things – but little about Kaslen now, in the moment, when the story actually begins.

Setup often answers questions before they’re asked, or gives answers before the answers are actually needed. The result, in this case, is a very slow start. Sometimes stories can get away with this, especially Middle Grade or the 200k word epic fantasy or space opera.

(What a weird duality. But also keep in mind that there’s always exceptions.)

But what we have to decide is how absolutely necessary it is to explain these things right now, delaying the start of the actual story. Is it possible that, maybe, the story started too late? If we need to give so much background information, should the story actually start sooner? Should the reader be shown these events rather than told?

Or, is the story very much starting at the right place, and these moments of setup should be dropped in as needed, rather than all in the beginning?

Or it could be that the story is just fine as it is. In the end, it’s a creative choice, and that’s all incredibly subjective. The opening as it is reminds me of “Throne of Glass” by Sarah J Maas, if I remember correctly (it’s been a whiiile), where the opening started right with the main character in the action of being dragged to face judgment after being arrested. I loved that, I did, and while the long and frequent jumps into story setup bugged the heck out of me, I continued on anyway.

So, ultimately, it’s a creative call for the writer to make based on what their story, which they know best, needs.

The few other issues I had were much smaller. First, let’s talk about the opening lines.

I could see why the two first sentences are there, since it comes around again in the third paragraph (though, to be honest, I missed the connection initially – it might have been because I had a short interruption while reading, but I can’t be sure), but to me the opening lines feel again like setup. A delay in the actual start of the story to make a superfluous point that the story later on might elaborate upon through showing instead of telling.

On top of that, the opening line is reiterated several types throughout the intro, and while this might have been by design, it felt a bit redundant to me. On one hand, it felt like Kaslen was trying really hard to convince herself she’s actually a good thief, while in fact may very well not be, but on the other hand, it felt like a lot of echoes for only the first page.

Finally, and this is just the fashion history nerd in me – I sort of mentally placed the story as a medieval fantasy (because of the cell and the laws of the world), but the description of the clothes threw me for a loop, what since the terminology is very modern as opposed to medieval.

So, the two contradicting elements weren’t agreeing with me. This might be cleared up if I was to read on, or it might actually be an inconsistency. I don’t know yet.

But, a good thing to always keep in mind is that credible fantasy worlds have a foundation on real history. Things came about for particular reasons, whether with technology or trade or travel. Fashion is equal parts available resources, trends, laws, religion, and so on.

So, when I see a medieval-type cell but modern clothing such as leggings and socks, I’m not sure what to expect.

(And, because I took a class on the evolution of western fashion, I’m going to be one of those snubs who notices little inconsistencies.)


Would I Keep Reading?
Despite the slow start and the things I said about all the setup, I actually would. I’m intrigued by the question of Kaslen in jail for stealing an apple, because it all seemed planned?? And I want to know why?? I mean, she says she’s a good thief, but then lets herself get caught for stealing an apple??? Mysteries.

♥ x 2,714 (Don't ask why.)

First 250 Words Smash! #49

Most Wonderful Author: Jay @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Ange
Working Title: The Burning Ones

As ashes of failed rebellion settle, she is the last breathing fighter. Her cage suspends four yards above ground in the middle of city square, too short for her spine to straighten and too narrow for her muscles to relax. Those who once believed in her dangle a short way above, their decay battering her weathered face. She has not spoken a word.

“That girl is made of titanium.” A Justitia whistles.

Twenty-two protons. Strongest lightweight metal. Corrosion-resistant. Highly flammable.

The town gathers to watch her time come. Cameras pan from rooftops, grasping every angle possible for the rest of the Utopia. Rows of soldiers bow as the Chairman arrives in robe and mask—no lens may taint his image.

At the snap of his fingers, her cage descends. She wobbles against rusted bars, arms having been sawed off after the decisive battle. Two soldiers march forth with barrels in hand and douse her. She scowls at the stench, worse than her decomposing allies. Petroleum.

 “Execution order: 28th of February, Year 401 Après Unification, rebel leader who shall not be named!”

No one will know her identity. Mention of this incident is forbidden beyond this broadcast, because enemies of the Utopia deserve no second thought. The Chairman ignites a match while staring into her striking blue eyes, unwavering like a crouching wolf’s.

“I will see you again. Soon,” he whispers.

The meaning of his words dispel as the arc of flame comes for her.

Strong Points –
Wow, I absolutely love the plot, the idea behind all that’s going on in this text. It’s intriguing, it drew me right in and wow, yes. This scene makes me, as a reader, thirsting to know what happens next. I didn’t initially understand that the girl was made of titanium, and not the cage, but once I did -- wow! It adds a whole new level to the plot.

I can feel the remnants of a failed rebellion, and the fact that this girl who’s made of titanium is also the leader of the failed rebellion, added to the fact that she’s made of titanium and titanium is a strong metal, suggests how difficult it is to rebel. If she couldn’t make it, who will? Plus, the “I will see you soon” comment from the Chairman, holy smokes, my brain went buzzing with questions. Intriguing, indeed.

Moreover, I especially like the description of the Chairman, and how he wears a mask so that no lens can “taint his image.” It’s a very neat addition, and gives the reader some insight into who he is.

Furthermore, I like the overall tone to the writing, and most especially, how it gives a glimpse into the conditions of this world. It’s clearly a dictatorship, and from what I’ve read I’m assuming it’s a world that doesn’t work as well as it should, i.e. a dystopia. This leads me to another thing I really like, calling the place “Utopia”, it creates a wonderful contrast between the meaning of the word and a place that clearly does not embody that meaning. Plus, I have a soft spot for a good dystopian story. I’m getting all giddy about this.


Some Tips –
First of all, the advice below is purely based on my own subjective opinion, and you do not have to agree with me. With that said, let’s begin.

I’m going to start with a few general tips before I dig into the details. This scene feels like a prologue to me. It feels like the first page of a novel that is only there for one reason, and one reason only: to create suspense. Usually, after this page comes the first chapter, and very rarely does this chapter pick up right where the prologue left off.

It is a great intro, because it does create suspense and it manages to draw me in as a reader. However, will the force that dragged me in still be there after another three chapters? This is my worry. There’s a risk with putting this kind of scene before the actual beginning of the story. Even though it may create some insight, it may also create high expectations for the rest of the novel. I’m not saying it’s necessarily a negative action, but I’m saying treat it with caution.

I would also like more details surrounding the people and the city. How does it look? How do the people look? Are they happy, sad, angry, relieved, scared, etc? Are they well off, or are they wearing worn-down clothes? What about the soldiers? Are their expressions empty or is there some kind of emotion? What emotion if so? Is the city large or small? Is there a lot of grass or does concrete dominate? What kind of robe and mask does the Chairman wear? Do dark or light colours dominate his clothes? Adding some of these details facilitates the setting of the scene and atmosphere surrounding the event portrayed which in turn helps the reader make sense of what they are supposed to picture.

Those were the general points. Onto the finer details.

The first paragraph is a little too vague for my taste. Let me illustrate:

... too short for her spine to straighten, too narrow for her muscles to relax.

“Short” is not a word I’d use in this context, although I understand what this sentence is trying to tell me, the presence of the word “short” interrupts the creation of my mental image of this cage. I would instead choose another word that could more clearly convey what the text is trying to describe. An example could be “low”, as in the roof of the cage is too low, or as an alternative: “constrained”.

At the end of the first paragraph, two words interrupt the flow of the text for me. “Battering” is the first word. Dictionary.com’s definition of “batter” (as it is used in this context) is as follows:

    verb (used with object)
1. to beat persistently or hard; pound repeatedly
2. to damage by beating or hard usage

verb (used without object)
3. to deal heavy, repeated blows; pound steadily

Here’s why I’m referencing a dictionary: the word batter means to deliver a punch, or to be worn down from being well used. Synonyms to “batter” include “assault”, “demolish”, and “wreck”. My impression is that these people’s “decays” aren’t destroying titanium girl. Their “decays” are falling onto her face. I would exchange “battering” for a word with a more appropriate meaning in relation to the context, provided that my conclusion is correct. An example of such a word could be “dropping”, or “falling”.

The second word is “decay”. “Decay” is quite vague in telling the reader what state these people are in, since there are different stages of decay. Whenever a word is vague, it blurs the reader’s picture of the scene, and unless the reader is supposed to be confused, it serves no purpose other than complicating the reading experience. The text would need a more specific word or description to pinpoint exactly what is happening between the bodies of those who believed in titanium girl.

While on the topic of vague words I’d like to mention two more things that contribute to the vagueness of the text. The first one is in the first paragraph:

    ... in the middle of city square ...

I know which city square the text is referring to, but, for the text to flow better I would like it to be more specific. One way could be adding a “the” before city, or “Utopia’s” before city. I would have excluded this if it weren’t for the fact that the text excludes a distinction on two other occasions. The difference is, however, that in those two it works, whereas in this case it becomes a bit too vague.
   
The second thing I’d like to bring up is something that rendered me confused, and still does. Almost at the end of the scene, there’s a line that goes:

The Chairman ignites a match while staring into her striking blue eyes, unwavering like a crouching wolf’s.

What confused me is this: who’s eyes are unwavering like a crouching wolf’s? Hers or the Chairman’s? It’s a very important distinction, because this likeness implies that one of them is measuring the other in  preparation for an attack against an enemy or a prey.

I’d like to leave with one last thing: sometimes simple is better than complex. On several occasions the text felt a bit like it was trying to be more advanced by using more advanced words (perhaps a little too advanced). The problem was that said words weren’t always correctly used, which hinders the text rather than facilitates it.


Would I Keep Reading?
As I said, this feels like a prologue to me. Whether it is one or not, it feels a lot like one. I know little of what to expect from the rest of the story because of it, which is why I’m not sure I would continue reading. I would turn the page to where the story properly begins, but I’m not sure how many pages after that I’d read. But, on the other hand, I’m a sucker for a good dystopian novel.

If I had more insight into the rest of the story, I’d have a clearer answer. For now I’m going to say a positive probably! 

Good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #48

Most Wonderful Author: AwayLaughing @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Aly
Working Title: In Living Memory

Neiar, who was half asleep from a long day of doing nothing, jerked awake when the large doors of the antechamber banged open and yet another woman was escorted in by black clad Sentries. With her she brought the crackle of magic, strong and clear despite the dampening spells. The girl next to Near leaned subtly toward him, one hand coming to his arm, squeezing gently.

“Hedgewitch, maybe,” she said, voice pitched low. Neiar nodded, his own fingers clutching at his chair. The woman who came in was tall, hair a vibrant red. She wore simple but clean clothing with no adornment, likely not a College wife, or a member herself then.

“Hra Yanta Fletcher,” an old, stately man spoke, voice like rasping paper. Unlike Neiar and the Chroniclers, this man was dressed in vivid oranges and blues, the peacock to their sparrow. “You are here before this emergency assembly today because you claim both twins,” he looked pointedly at her stomach, “and family magics. If these claims be false leave now. If not, come forward and state your full claim.”

The woman didn't hesitate, she stepped toward them with her back straight. “I am Yanta Fletcher, daughter of Malol ki-Rant. I am mother to a promising runecrafter, and through marriage claim cousin-kin to the 52nd Memories.” The declaration sent a shock through the crowd, and Neiar's stomach plummeted, bile creeping up his throat. The girl on his right squeezed his arm again, though he saw her fingers shaking.

Strong Points –
There’s some strong word choice here that I really enjoy. “The crackle of magic” and “the peacock to their sparrow” are particularly evocative phrases that give the writing a unique feel, not just repeating the same old clichés. The balance between dialogue and action was also well-done. Not focusing wholly on one or the other kept the scene from stagnating, and allowed for world-building at the same time as moving the action along.

On that note, there’s a clear emphasis on world-building that is both promising and attention-grabbing. Again it gives me the feeling that this story is something new and original, and that’s enticing to a reader who may have read hundreds of fantasy novels before. A good way to hook one of these readers is by immediately showing why your book is different, whether it’s interesting characters, a unique setting, or a gripping plot.

And—this is just a personal thing—I really like books that don’t handhold you with pages of info-dumping before letting you get on with the story. I enjoy when I’m allowed to learn about the world through the story itself.


Some Tips –
However… there’s such a thing as too much world-building. Or at least too much world-building all at once. There’s simply so much stuffed in there that I don’t have space to be intrigued, I’m just confused—and I’ve read it several times! The section tells me that there’s something important about magic, there’s some fellows named “Sentries” that appear to be guards, there’s a College, everyone’s clothing is really relevant, there’s Chroniclers, twins and family magic matter for some reason, there’s some sort of legal claim associated with this, there’s both hedgewitches and runecrafters (whatever each is in this context), there’s something called the “52nd Memories”, and that’s either repulsive or really bad. That is… an awful lot of things for a reader to keep track of in the first four paragraphs!

In short, it needs to get cut down.

In the first pages of a story, the reader doesn’t know anything about the world. They have no idea what details are vital to the opening scene, and which are irrelevant and could be skimmed over at first. Instead, the narrative has to do that work for them, focusing on the most important information in the scene, the stuff that absolutely must be introduced. (In this case, it appears to be things like the nature of magic, the twins, whatever the 52nd Memories is, etc.) Highlighting the most important bits while minimizing less-important details or moving them elsewhere lets you regulate what the reader learns and when.

An example:

She wore simple but clean clothing with no adornment, likely not a College wife, or a member herself then.

Not knowing the world or characters, I don’t know if this is actually going to be important later on, but it doesn’t seem hugely relevant in this context. Consider moving minor details like this later in the story, to a scene where they’re more immediately important or to a scene less focused on world-building in general.

At the same time, for all these broad world-building details, there’s not a whole lot of context given to the immediate details. The scene could benefit from adding more of these—describing where the settings are, why they’re there, who else is in the room, and so on. Starting a story quickly and getting right to the action is a good way to avoid the trap of too much description, but too little runs the risk of not giving the reader the context they need to understand a scene. Expanding the intro or starting earlier could offer the space to add in those descriptive details. As with world-building details, there needs to be a balance between too many details and not enough, but in this case I think there’s room for a little more.

Other than that, watch out for repetition. An example is with the woman’s introduction.

    yet another woman was escorted in

    With her she brought the crackle of magic

    The woman who came in was tall

There’s nothing wrong with each of these phrases in isolation, but when put together, it’s an awful lot of “a woman entered the room”. Consider how phrases flow overall, not just in their immediate context.

Finally, I’d like to see more of Neiar’s character. I get the impression he’s the main or at least viewpoint character, but aside from him seeming appalled or upset by the mention of the 52nd Memories, we don’t get much about how he views the scene and why. This goes hand-in-hand with expanding the scene to give more description and context, but it’s something to pay particular attention to.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. Like I said, I like books that let you work out the world as you go along. But here, it’s too much of a good thing. A balance needs to be struck between giving the reader the information they need and overloading them with unnecessary details. Unfortunately, right now the balance is leaning pretty far toward the “overload” side of the scale. Work on focusing the reader’s attention only on the most relevant details, and I think it’d make for an even stronger and more gripping intro. Best of luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #46

Most Wonderful Author: Erin Copland @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Annie
Working Title: N/A

Zaima could hear a woman screaming from outside the door. She didn’t bother knocking, but limped into the little cottage and paused on the threshold. There was a scent of blood and stale sweat, and the feeble candlelight barely illuminated the main room, just enough to show a man sitting at a table.

“Good evening, Goodman Tanner.”

“Took you long enough.”

“I’m afraid my mule has a bad leg, so I had to—” A woman’s scream cut her off. “Well. I’m here now.”

Zaima moved to go into the back bedroom, but he blocked her way.

“What’s your hurry? It’s not like she’s gonna die.” He laughed at her silence, and Zaima gripped the head of her cane tightly when he grabbed her arm.

“I think you’re awfully pretty, for a cripple,” he said. “Of course, I’m kind hearted.”

Zaima gritted her teeth. “Of course. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll see to your wife.”

Tanner sneered at her before collapsing at the table again and taking a long pull from his mug. Zaima nodded and walked into the back room.

She tried not to wrinkle her nose at the stench that was stronger in this room, an odor of prolonged childbirth. She opened one of the windows, lingering.

“There. That’s a bit better.”

A candle cast flickering shadows on a woman lying in a bed, dripping with sweat, her hands gripping the sheets as she tried to hold back another howl.

“Let it out, Goodwife Tanner,” Zaima said.

Strong Points –

There’s a sort of sparseness of language that really works here. It’s very clean, it keeps things tense, and I love how the short dialogue and the short word choice keeps time with the brief sentences. There’s something very Hemingway-esque about it.

The dialogue is also very nice. There’s a voice to each of the characters here, even if we only get a little from them. The language used and the flow of the sentences give a very good sense of how each sentence is meant to be read, mood-wise. That’s pretty important, given how dialogue tags are used in the piece. They only show up when necessary. That’s something I like, as well, though I hope the rest of the dialogue reads as easily without tags.

My favorite, by far, though, is the tension! It’s an uneasy scene, and I’m a pretty big fan of how the language and the dialogue really comes together to form the mood for this sequence. That’s not easy!


Some Tips –

I think what this scene needs most is tweaking—nothing big and dramatic, but a couple little things that can really punch up the writing.

One of them is about setting. I’m not talking about world-building or anything like that. What I mean is that this piece has a lot to say about the characters, but not much to say about the places they live in or the objects they touch. It’s something that can happen when you get exhausted by reading page after page of long, flowery prose detailing the weather and a blade of grass and the exhaustive family history of the guy mowing the lawn. Nobody likes too much of that kind of stuff!

But this is sort of the opposite. There’s a cottage, and there’s a table, and there’s a chair, and there’s a bed. This is a set, and these are props. But here’s the thing—I want to see as much life in these things as I see in the characters. I don’t mean there should be breaks here where a character carefully surveys their environment for, like, fifteen minutes. I mean there’re a lot of things a woman like Zaima can notice about a place like the Tanner’s homestead. And there’re a lot of small things that can tell you about the kind of people the Tanners are.

I’d love a few details dropped here and there into the prose. Little things, like the state of the floor, or how well the furniture has been cared for. I’m getting the sense that this is a low-tech setting. Is the house well cared-for? What kind of house do the Tanners keep? Has that changed since the Goodwife has been with child? Goodman Tanner seems like he’s been drinking for some time. Does he look drunk? How does that manifest in his body language or his complexion?

There’s a few places where I feel the description that’s already in place could be pushed just a little more. I love the “odor of prolonged childbirth,” but I wish there was a bit more to tell me what that smelled like. Sweat? Sickness? Warmth? Cloying Stickiness? Birth is not a pretty picture, and Zaima would be familiar with it all.

You can craft a lot of good metaphors and symbols for your characters through the way they present themselves and their home environments, because they can impart so much in such a short span of time. Little details, plopped into the prose, would make the setting feel as real as the characters do.

My second thing is a bit more subjective, and it has to do with the pacing of this piece. Brevity is what keeps the tension high in this scene, but brevity can be a double-edged sword. While I really like what the sparseness of language does to the mood here, I feel like there’s a few points where it gets a little too sparse, and I end up confused.

Let’s take the first few sentences for an example.

Zaima could hear a woman screaming from outside the door. She didn’t bother knocking, but limped into the little cottage and paused on the threshold.

I like the first sentence, in theory. A mysterious scream is a cheap, super effective hook, but I feel like this might need to be refined a bit. As it reads, if I take the first sentence by itself, I’m not sure if Zaima’s inside, hearing the noise from outside, or vice-versa. Then, in the second sentence, I learn that she was outside, is now limping inside, but before actually going inside, she pauses on the threshold, which is a word usually reserved for the space right before moving inside.

It’s not that I think every action needs to be specifically described, nor that the reader needs to be led by the hand through a narrative. But little things like this, small things that make me unsure, make me need to re-read a sentence, can cause a break in my immersion.

In a situation like this, where the language is tight and the focal character isn’t wasting any time with lingering, lengthy descriptions, the writing has to hit the ground running in the first couple of sentences. If a reader has to pause and go back to re-read to make sure they’re understanding everything, the tension breaks and the effect is ruined.

This is a tricky scene, so everything has to be written just so, so that the reader never picks their head up, never leaves the tense situation that’s happening on the page. The selection presented here requires a lot more attention to detail than most. I’d say it’s about 75-80% of the way there, as it stands.


Would I Keep Reading?

Oh, heck yeah. Starting off a story with a difficult birth in the middle of the night may be a trope, but it’s my kind of trope. I like what little I’ve seen of Zaima so far, and personally speaking, characterization is what keeps me going in a story. I’m not sure I’d be going on past when the baby’s born, since a scene like that will make or break a midwife character for me, but I like where it’s going. With a little more tweaking, I’d be totally on board.

First 250 Words Smash! #44

Most Wonderful Author: A. E. Conway @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year. Breath in her throat, she became a statue. The caves stayed silent. Raising her lamp, mouth pursed, she scanned the map. Three miles in, and she wasn’t quite lost, but looking at it frequently seemed like a good idea. She had a job, and bills to pay, and getting lost wouldn’t help.

“Alaia!” Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here. She tucked herself in to a crevice, and struggled to control her breathing. “Alaia! C’mere!”

Up ahead, a light appeared, the cave’s walls thrown in sharp relief. The sparkling yellows, blues, and pink seemed to mock the chills running down Alaia’s spine, winking gently at her. She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice. Nothing friendly could be up ahead.

“Alaia? Oh Alaia, won’t you come play?” Hands shaking, she fumbled briefly with the lantern. The sweet, high voice was something out of the fae tales her Mama had told her as child to scare her into being good. Those stories were called ‘fae tales’ for a reason. They weren’t true.
So what’s that then, mocked the only part of her that still had a backbone. ‘That’ was the thing that was lighting up the cave.

Strong Points –
Structurally speaking, there’re a lot of good things happening here. I can see a solid eye for balancing sentences for a smooth flow and good pacing. From here, it’s just a matter of tweaking and refining, building on what’s already there.

I’m also a fan of the tension, and I love that we get a sense of her fear without ever needing to have it said outright. Her hands shake, she fumbles, and in the beginning, she hesitates. I'm also a fan of the way some of the setting details, which are often dumped in the form of exposition, are relayed awesomely in tandem with the rising action. It’s not relayed in the form of, ‘This is being explained because it has to be explained eventually.’ It’s a lot more like, ‘This is being explained because it’s pertinent to the plot.’ This is my own Achilles heel, so good job on that!


Some Tips –
There’re some really great things happening here – now, let’s bring it up to the next level. And just to be clear, a lot of what I’ll say is purely subjective. This means we’re talking more about style and voice rather than technical issues, and a critique on style will always be based off of personal experience and opinions!

Okay, so, let’s begin. I can tell that there’s still a lot of experimenting going on in regards to sentence flow, so the talent is still raw and needs a bit more practice. As an example, the first three sentences put me off in my first read-through:

The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year.

While I loved the pacing of the first two sentences--with the choppiness that instantly generated tension--the short third sentence had me wondering if it was just a fluke. The flow did improve after that, but there were still some hiccups later on, especially with the second paragraph. A number of sentences followed a nearly identical formula, communicating a single idea and then ending. For me, this was extremely jarring, and as far as pacing goes, lost its effect quickly.

Let’s take an example:

Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.

There’s a lot of potential in this bit in regards to flow, and there’s a huge difference between the above and a simple change:

Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled, and Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.

This is only an example, but just combining two of the right sentences really drives the impact of that final sentence, “No one could be here.” The combined sentences really set up a frame for those final words, giving an extra sting to that moment of drama. Plus, the whole passage flows much better from that simple change.

The next suggestion I’d make is unpacking. As far as detail goes, this is a good foundation, but it’s time to sharpen those creative instincts and take the description and verbs to the next level. I was trying to find the best exercise for this, but really, anything about description is going to help, especially any of the exercises under the KSW Summer Camp and Description vs. Pacing categories. Check out the examples at the bottom of each individual exercise, too. Look for words that strengthen the imagery/sensory details.

What I was looking for in this intro was for the cave to really come alive. I have such a vague image of what the cave is supposed to look like that, when the light appeared, I really didn’t know what to picture. I want to feel what Alaia feels, and I want to feel it the way she feels and sees and smells it while she’s scared and confused. I want to be scared along with her. Creating atmosphere will do awesome things for this cave in that regard.

And, it can also help with the action. An example of a line I know can be improved is this:

Breath in her throat, she became a statue.

The words “in” and “became” are weak, neutral, and do little to create a more interesting feel of what she’s going through. Think of how to rearrange lines like this, to elevate the words and make something more interesting. There’s a difference between, “I took a breath,” and, “My lungs expanded with a slow, quivering breath.”

For now, those’re the two big things that I’d recommend. The rest are simply technical, such as beginning a new paragraph after dialogue that isn’t Alaia’s. Both times that the dialogue started the paragraph, I was confused, thinking she was the one speaking, and had to double back to make sure I hadn't misread.

Also, I’d recommend checking out “comma splices”. The one that really got me was this sentence:

She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice.

Do a bit of research on comma splices and this should be an easy fix.

And, finally, I’m not sure what Alaia’s age should be. In the beginning, she’s referred to as “the girl”, but at the end of the paragraph, we’re told she has a job and bills. Throughout the intro, however, I felt like her voice in the narrative sounded more like she’s “a girl”, much younger than anyone who’d be paying bills.

Anyway, I’m going to leave it at that. Mostly, start experimenting with prose. The technical skills are coming together, so now play around with finding your own personal style and voice!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I’d really like to see this intro again after some experimenting with both style and voice. I think that’ll do a lot of good things!

Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #36

Most Wonderful Author: Phoebe
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

Don’t panic.

This is what I will tell you when at last we meet.

The scene blossoms in my awareness; you are on the ground. Around you, life happens too fast. Leaving you behind. Bright lights add their punctuation to the rainswept darkness as they flare and fade. The street lights shed their sodium glow in mourning. Incandescent tears.

I watch, gaze following the panicked motion of the people fluttering about you. Their intentions burst from their chests like doves, trailing shards of light. They drift, pulled out behind their splintered streams of sound and colour. They are out of focus. Irrelevant. You, on the other hand, are the fixed point. For this iteration of present, you are the purpose of my existence.

Your heartbeats are fitful. Slowing. A small bird dashing itself against its cage. I wait.

You are cracked. Flawed. Fundamentally. You spin along a catastrophe curve in a state of cheery oblivion, and when it ends – an inevitability, and a bloody one – I am there to discreetly sweep away the pieces. Gently collect you together.

We shall say, for now, that I provide a service.

You are beginning to fail. Layers of neurons closing connections. Shutting down operations. Your lungs are no longer functioning, saturated with blood. Anoxic cell death is imminent.

I move a little closer. You sense my presence, I think; some people do. A side effect of the chemicals flooding your system, the biological equivalent of clamouring alarms and fail-safes.

Strong Points –
I mean, wow??? As in, wow, wow, wow. The second person POV made me wary at first, as second person tends to do, but as soon as I let myself delve in, I was almost wholly enraptured by it. Some of the lines were just so absolutely perfect, like the streetlights with the sodium glow in mourning, and I was like, wow. I couldn’t even say why, but that was my favorite line. I think it might have been that I was also paired with a flavor, the saltiness, which evoked another dimension of the description that just hit the right place for me.

I also love the flow. The variation of sentences. My second favorite sentence is one of the shortest: “I wait”. Holy herd of cattle. It was in the right place with the right combination of elements, and ending that sentence with “I wait” is just the perfect punctuation to the paragraph – and I’m geeking out. Okay.

My third favorite thing is the narrator. Specifically, how hints are dropped, how it’s implied in little doses what the narrator is, and it connected with me just in time in the last paragraph, “You sense my presence, I think; some people do,” and I back-flipped. There are plenty of hints throughout, but it all connected for me with this line.

 
Some Tips –
Every bit of advice I can give here is only my purest of opinions, which is 100% subjective to my own personal tastes. I’m sure other readers might find the prose perfect as is, but as a fan of restraint, I have some thoughts.

By “restraint”, what I mean is holding back in order to let certain elements shine. Composition in art does this. Clouds and trees and mountains are beautiful, but crammed together and fighting for the same spotlight creates a very busy, distracting image.

The same can apply to writing as well. So many elements competed for the spotlight in this intro that, as much as I liked bits of it, reading was admittedly very slow and cautious, like tip-toeing.

Let’s take this paragraph:

I watch, gaze following the panicked motion of the people fluttering about you. Their intentions burst from their chests like doves, trailing shards of light. They drift, pulled out behind their splintered streams of sound and colour. They are out of focus. Irrelevant. You, on the other hand, are the fixed point. For this iteration of present, you are the purpose of my existence.

If I were to revise it, these are the lines I would consider eliminating or paring down:

I watch, gaze following the panicked motion of the people fluttering about you. Their intentions burst from their chests like doves, trailing shards of light. They drift, pulled out behind their splintered streams of sound and colour. They are out of focus. Irrelevant. You, on the other hand, are the fixed point. For this iteration of present, you are the purpose of my existence.

Let me describe the reasons why:

1. This line is so abstract that I’m not sure whether to see it literally or metaphorically, specifically since this is the intro and I’m trying to find some grounding for the setting, to visualize where this is taking place.
2. The description contradicts the proceeding line: “They are out of focus. Irrelevant.” So much emphasis is brought upon the people, but then discounted right after, that I wonder why so much attention is drawn to people that are blurred.
3. This bit: “Your heartbeats are fitful. Slowing. A small bird dashing itself against its cage.” This part borrows a bird comparison as well, and I would choose this in favour of the former because it’s stronger, and I know it’s not a bird in the literal or semi-literal sense. By now, I’m a little more grounded, and it’s enough that I can gather this is not to be taken literally.

My recommendation would be to reduce the description of the crowd into something that sends them to the back instead of draws the spotlight onto them. The spotlight is on the narrator and the subject of the second person POV. Everything else is less important and, when it competes for the spotlight, takes away from the narrator and the subject.

Another paragraph that was a bit jarring was this one:

You are cracked. Flawed. Fundamentally. You spin along a catastrophe curve in a state of cheery oblivion, and when it ends – an inevitability, and a bloody one – I am there to discreetly sweep away the pieces. Gently collect you together.

The jarring part is more or less this particular part:

You spin along a catastrophe curve in a state of cheery oblivion, and when it ends – an inevitability, and a bloody one

This sentence rips me out of the delicate grip I have on the present given to me from the narrative, and I was confused because I very much pictured the subject literally suddenly spinning. I had to pause and reread the entire paragraph to understand that the intent was to send me backwards in time to get some perspective on what was happening presently, but I had a bit of whiplash from it.

My favorite parts were the ones that I didn’t have to reread or tip-toe through. After that aforementioned paragraph, it was perfectly smooth sailing until the end and I enjoyed it very much.

Like, very much.

This is the type of writing that I would reread just for the beauty of it, and just for the fact that most of it seems so effortless that I seethe with envy. I do, however, need to get through my first read-through with as few hiccups as possible.


Would I Keep Reading?
A little more, at least, to see if there are any further hiccups in the writing. If the language sets me back too often, I’m more likely to put down a book and never pick it up again. I am, however, definitely interested in the story proposed. I’m also curious as to how the second person POV would proceed.

Good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #35

Most Wonderful Author: Amanda
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

As she lay on the ferns inside the hut, the strong smells made her almost unable to think of anything else then the pulsating of her head. She blamed the spices. The pulsating was loud, too. It made the Shaman’s messing mere background noises. Libise knew that if she opened her eyes a looked to her left, she would see her worrying mother. A look that had begun to appear more often on her face.

Technically, she shouldn’t be in there. The evil spirits in Libise’s body could enter hers, but her mother was only a woman who worried.

The Shaman’s awful messing stopped.

“Open your eyes.” He said.

She lay under a covered window on the opposite side of the door. The smoke from the spices he had burnt in the fire made the room smoky, even though most of it went out through the hole in the roof. The hut was clean of decoration. The only things there was the leaves she lay on, the fire and the sacks filled, some more than others, with the spices he used for predictions, blessings, curses, connecting with the spirits and, of course, for his beloved exorcisms.

Strong Points –
There’s definitely some interesting things going on in here. From the very beginning, the question of what’s going on is planted in pieces through the opening instead of forced, which is a good step. I like how each detail of the conflict builds, at first with the introduction of the Shaman, then that the spirits in Libise’s body can enter her mother’s, and then at the very end with the introduction of the word “exorcism”. I like that nothing of the conflict is addressed directly, but by coincidence, and that’s good!


Some Tips –
Firstly and primarily, some grammatical and punctuation formatting issues need to be addressed. I’d recommend looking up how to format dialogue, which is an easy task. Having someone who knows their grammar well read over your writing and mark up things that need to be tweaked will also help, such as the word “lay” and the first part of the last sentence, “The only things there was the leaves she lay on,” and I’m sure there would have been more things to work on if I had more than 196 words.

Secondly, the conflict unfolds well, but the biggest thing I’d recommend is the unpacking of details, specifically with description, and this also includes using stronger verbs where necessary.

Let me fish out an example. Right in the first line:

“…the strong smells made her almost unable to think of anything else then the pulsating of her head.”

“Strong smells” means very little. What kinds of smells? It could be anything from ash to rot – we don’t kno.

It’s almost fleshed out in the second line, which is a line that I like a lot because it reveals some of the character’s voice.

“She blamed the spices.”

But it stops short of elaborating. What sorts of spices? That’s another chance to unpack details, and specifying what sorts of spices will even allude to the setting more, such as climate and terrain. Cinnamon and eucalyptus and sage all tell different stories of different places. The word “spices” alone means different things for different people.

Let’s also tackle this line as another example:

“The pulsating was loud, too.”

This is the second time it’s referenced, but I still don’t really understand what “pulsating” means in this context. Is it just a headache? Is it a throbbing headache? Is it a migraine? How does it affect her, physically? Does it make it difficult to see? Does it make the light hurt her eyes? Does it make her nauseous?

Unpacking details is important, but just as important is unpacking how the details affect the character(s). This is what makes those details matter instead of creating a laundry list of things to drown the senses. It’s one thing to say:

“The bike gleamed almost too brightly, the paint smooth against my fingertips, the metal cold enough to sting.”

It’s another thing to say:

“The bike gleamed almost too brightly, the paint was smooth against my fingertips, the metal cold enough to sting, a promise that I could never afford it.”

Not all details will reveal character like this, but the way a character describes details still says a lot more than a laundry list.

It’s also good to be particular of the connotations of words used. “The hut was clean of decoration,” for example. The word “clean” made me also automatically made me picture a clean hut. This may not be the case for everyone, but it was definitely a word that momentarily threw me off.

In short, a good way to get into unpacking details is to read the more literary-type books that make every word count in every description. Practice doing the same, and then when you’re ready to write your story, dial it back or cater it to your own personal style and voice.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I’d like to see it again once the technical errors are improved and description strengthened!

Hope all that helps! Good luck! ♥

250 Words Smash! #28

Most Wonderful Author: alynnidalar
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title (kind of): Hope of a Far-Off Land

Astrith fled through the streets of Praeston, dragging her best friend Nolus behind her as she tried to maintain the exhausting misdirection spell keeping the city guards off their tail. He stumbled on a gap between paving stones, but she yanked him upright, almost off the ground, and they were off again, pushing through the evening crowds packing the market district. The heat and humidity felt almost unbearable, but she couldn’t stop, couldn’t let the spell drop, couldn’t think about nice cool water and ice and snow and—

She crashed into the corner of a stand selling fish, sending brakenlaegan everywhere, the fishes’ silvery scales flashing in the dying rays of the afternoon sun. The spell faltered as she stumbled over one of the fish, blinking as she came back to reality. The hrata fishwife noticed her with a start and let out a yell, shoving a customer to the ground to lunge for her as she shouted about wizard thieves. It was Nolus’ turn to save them then, sidestepping adroitly to send the merchant stumbling past into a clump of surprised humans at the next stall. They took off again, not looking back at the chaos they'd created.

“Are they gaining on us?” Nolus, a hrata, was much shorter than her, barely half her height, but he doggedly kept up with her long stride, his bare feet pounding the sun-warmed stone of the plaza with at least two steps to each of hers.

Strong Points –
Well, I can definitely already tell that I’m going to like these two main characters. I don’t know what it is, which is probably awesome in itself. I think it has something to do with how I like the roles they’ve had so far. I like their partnership, and, I mean, I’m a sucker for characters that work together, especially in high-tension scenes. It’s one of my greatest weaknesses.

Also, I like their names. They’re pretty cool.

There’s also little tidbits of detail in regards to setting and world building, but I’ll get more into that down below!


Some Tips –
I already want you to revise and resubmit to me, because if you’ve been hanging around the Tumblr blog since you sent in your intro to us, you might have seen the pacing exercise and a couple tips on writing fast-paced scenes. I love pacing and I know it well, and I think both these posts will help you restructure the pacing side of your intro.

As an example, long sentences with many commas will automatically make reading and comprehension slower. Brief sentences keep things crisp and dicey. Finding a balance between the two will help make the passages fast and also flowing.

Secondly, that moment where the fish scales catch the light draws a strange amount of attention to the fish when the attention should be on the chase, or on the path straight ahead. This sort of leads me into my biggest point.

The world terminology and laws trump the physical setting description. There’s sooo much in the first 250 words, and yes, it’s important, but during a chase scene, the description should focus more on the where and less of the why. The intro tries to teach the reader so much in as short amount of time as possible, when I’m trying to make sense of where these two characters are running and what the place looks like around them.

There’s no need to explain everything at once. Supply it with time, focus on what the scene is demanding of the setting. Readers can fill in gaps or make guesses until the best time for organic elucidation happens. Then, explanations can be given more effectively as well.

As an example, I wasn’t sure what “hrata” was, but given the context of how it was used, I assumed it was a curse word, as in “The damn fishwife”. When I got to Nolus’ description, I had to take a step back and go, “Wait.”

So, in short, I can see a lot of potential once the pacing is fixed and the information isn’t so rushed. Try the exercise, see the comparative examples I wrote so you can get a better feel for how short and long sentences affect the pacing, as well as gaining a sense of words that carry the most weight in regards to describing just enough to create a blur of a picture. You don’t need much. Just enough. Then, I want your resubmission, yes I do.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. Strengthen your narrative so I can say yes.

♥♥♥

First 250 Words Smash! #27

Most Wonderful Author: rook-on || rook-on @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: The Beginning

Run.

Every fibre in her body told her to run. She didn’t though.

Hop then. Hop if you need to.

She still didn’t. Instead, she fiddled with a stray piece of her brown hair nervously, waiting for something to happen. Body poised, she stayed crouched, waiting. Maybe an order from Snake, or Magpie would come through. Her ear piece was silent though, only static streaming through.

She felt nervous. Something should have happened by now. She should be on her way back to base by now... not crouching there like a petrified rabbit. Ironic, considering her code name was rabbit.

This thought did not make her smile though, or ease her frayed nerves. Alys wanted to be back in her room curled up where it was safe, reading. Back in a familiar environment. This should be a quick mission, checking out an area for Intel, see if they could save some children. She felt like she was in danger out here, where people could hurt her, harm her. She did not like the stillness, it made her feel unsafe, targeted. It made her feel like someone might shoot her-

Wait, there was an order.

‘Rabbit, go back to base. Everything’s clear, over and out!’  Her ear piece relayed, buzzing in her ear. Euphoria washed over her, and she quickly concentrated, the familiar feeling washing over her. She could see in her mind’s eye that it would take at least four hops to get near the base, maybe five.

Strong Points –
I like that the passage builds on tension right away. The question of conflict is a quick way to draw a reader right in, asking a big question that only reading on can answer. This can be a very tough thing to do in just a few paragraphs, but it comes through nice and strongly. The way she fidgets and the way she’s poised and ready and waiting are the strongest, clearest conveyers of tension while still giving readers something to picture. Even the mention of stillness really twists up the nerves.


Some Tips –
There’s a lot of unpacking that can be done with this, overall, but mainly we can sum it up in two categories:

1. Setting
2. Distancing phrases

I’m tackling the setting, specifically her surroundings, because I haven’t got a single bit of it yet. I was able to get a bit of Alys, crouched and waiting, but I couldn’t see where she was crouched, what the area was like around her. I didn’t have a place to picture the area she’s checking for Intel, or the stillness. Her fidgeting and her posture gave me a great taste of her, and a taste is a good measure for an opening scene, but I didn’t get any taste of the where. The World in Words exercise might help you out there, especially with the tips section.

Now, with distancing phrases (which you can read a little more about from the article I linked to you, a bit further down as well), as an example, feel/felt is used a total of five times in the passage. Phrases like this can be useful when trying to communicate a sense of uncertainty in what the character is feeling, or a sense of removal or distance, but that isn’t the case here. The main character is very close to her chemistry and what she’s feeling. The Breathing Atmosphere exercise help you with that.

Also, many other words are reused, such as “though”, “through”, “by now”, “washing/ed over her”. These words draw attention to themselves because, while common, aren’t common enough to go without notice. Also, they might be word tics. These are words that writers cling to, comfortable words that allow writers to coast instead of explore new ways to describe things. Try writing without using any of these words, break the habit, or search the entire story for how often you use these words. Then, you’ll start to see how often they actually do show up, and when you go to use it as you’re writing, you’ll be more aware of it.

The repetition also manifests in other ways, such as announcing “Wait, there was an order” just before giving the order, and then giving the order and announcing it after with, “Her ear piece relayed, buzzing in her ear.” These extra repeating phrases don’t carry their weight in the narrative. Paring it down to only the necessary bits, such as the ear piece buzzing and the actual order, would cut out a lot of fat and allow more of an opportunity for other things to be introduced sooner.

It might help to check out some of the other exercises, such as making description work harder, unpacking details, and maybe conveying mood. Playing around with these might help build on tools to bring out more details wherever possible.

Also, make sure to check out proper formatting for manuscripts, because bold is very rarely used.


Would I Keep Reading?
I’d rather wait to see the writing made stronger. For now, it’s a no, but I hope these tips help and I’d definitely like to see a resubmission!

Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #24

Most Wonderful Author: HRH Evvy || Farleythewolf @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

She nearly missed him.

Work had finished an hour before nightfall. The rain was filtering through Miko’s hair, and pooling in the little trench in the lid of her empty thermos. She exhaled slowly, the weight of the mist and her weariness compressing her chest.

She glanced, out of habit, at the space between buildings— not really wide enough to be called an alley— that marked her as only a block away from home. Brownish brick walls, unmarked by doors or windows, extended back to the dead end.  On a sunny day, the light picked out the green leaves against red-tinted brick, the cement bluish, giving the spot an unkempt prettiness. Sluiced with rain, the colors muted to monochrome and make the whole place feel sketchier than it was already.

Obscured by overgrown blackberry canes as he was, she would have missed him, if not for his hair.

Startlingly white, it was rain-plastered against his face. She guessed him to be around her age, mid twenties or so. A ragged tee shirt and jeans, at least two sizes too big, were also saturated with rain and clinging so that Miko could see that he was skeleton with muscle and little else on top. He’d been sitting scrunched up in the space with his eyes shut, but at the scuff of her feet, he moved his head off the wall and hung it, looking up at her through his curtain of sopping hair.

His face bothered her, because she recognized him,   

Strong Points –
This is a really good intro. Structurally, with hints of character voice and an easy flow of varied sentences, I can see style developing and being explored, and that’s awesome. What I love most are the little artful details, the little nuances of description that might have seemed superfluous if not done well, specifically, “Pooling in the little trench in the lid of her empty thermos.” This tiny detail gives a sense of setting, of time and place, right up front, and it also hints at the character.

I also love the detail of the overgrown blackberry canes and the contrast of the alley-non-alley in the light and in the rain. Everything is extremely visual, and being that I’m also a visual person, I love when visuals are done with the least amount of words possible, because I’m also hungry for fast pacing. I like the question posed at the very beginning, and I like the way details are unpacked.


Some Tips –
There are only a few things I can suggest. One, there are a couple times where the passive voice weakens the sentence. As an example, here’s a passive sentence:

“The rain was filtering through Miko’s hair, and pooling in the little trench in the lid of her empty thermos.”

Same sentence, active:

“The rain filtered through Miko’s hair and pooled in the little trench in the lid of her empty thermos.”

My last suggestion is, I think, a combination of two things. The description is good, but I was occasionally confused, felt like there were pieces missing in the setting, something that I wasn’t getting. My understanding was that the alley-non-alley she looked in was a dead end, and I didn’t understand why there were leaves because I hadn’t been shown there were trees or plants yet. The second part of my occasional confusion was I think because of vague descriptors and subjects.

“Startlingly white, it was rain-plastered against his face”, as an example. Especially since this sentence begins a new paragraph, the subject “it” is muddled. It’s always good to lean toward the specific over the vague, the concrete over the ambiguous. Combine sentences and ideas if needed.

Another line I was confused with was “He’d been sitting scrunched up in the space”, because I didn’t know what “the space” entailed. Don’t hesitate to root the reader, to ground them in things that are easy to see versus concepts. Concepts are misleading. Victoria does this sometimes too, when she describes something along the lines of, “His hand hung there.” What is “there”? Where is it? What does it mean? “There” is an empty word, like an invisible place marker, it doesn’t carry its weight. Neither does “the space”.


Would I Keep Reading?
Yeppppp. I’m intrigued by this guy, even by just the shape of his body. I love, love, love visual writing with good pacing, and I would definitely keep reading to see if the pacing keeps up with what I like.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #21

Most Wonderful Author: Ariana
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

Everyone in Miss Sue’s home knew how much I liked to sleep in as long as possible, even when it was a school day. So obviously, that was the one thing that wasn’t possible for me. It wasn’t the whole idea of waking up that I had a problem with. Actually, it was the sound of an air horn going off right next to my ear.

The sound woke me instantly, and as I did every time this happened, I sat up with a jolt, momentarily forgetting that I was sleeping in the top bunk. As usual, I collided with the ceiling, further molding an impression of my forehead into the drywall. I was actually surprised there weren’t any cracks yet. As I groaned in pain, rubbing my head, there were the unmistakable giggles of my worst enemy.

“Ahhhahahaha! Gotcha Scottie!” laughed my ten-year-old roommate.

I turned to face the blonde-headed menace, but he bolted from the room. “Simon! You are SO dead!” These words barely left my mouth before I jumped out of bed, running after the little pest that I was forced to share a room with.

As surprising as this may sound, this scenario was not unusual. Simon somehow knew the exactly when I wanted to sleep in and planned his attacks accordingly. I’m not exactly sure what possessed him to make my life miserable, but for whatever reason he found pleasure in it. I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised since he had autism after all.

Strong Points –
There’s some good characterization here, as in I could just about peg how old Simon was even without the giveaway. Scottie’s voice is pretty definite as well, and he sounds more mature than his ten-year-old counterpart, which, I’m wondering if he’s not really older at all and if being in a home has forced him to grow up a little faster than most kids do. That’s just the sense I get!

I also liked how the action reveals a part of the setting, like how Scottie bolts upright without even realizing he’s in the top bunk, hitting his head off the ceiling. That’s an awesome way of naturally revealing surroundings as characters interact with them. I also love the image of the ceiling with the impression of his forehead. Little details that bring some real character to the bedroom.


Some Tips –
There’s a lot of telling that isn’t needed in the intro, and I understand the compulsion to fill in all these gaps as quickly as possible when the story begins with action, but the filler isn’t reading organically and actually slows what should be a quick pace.

As an example, the first paragraph could be cut entirely, beginning with the horn blaring and Scottie smacking his head off the ceiling. Now, instead of the scene reading like he jolts awake, hits his head, recovers, realizes it’s Simon and chases after him, the scene reads more like he thinks about how the sound makes him hit his head every time, and then he hits his head, and then he thinks about how he’s surprised the ceiling doesn’t have any cracks yet, and then he recovers, and then he chases after Simon and begins reminiscing about it and how Simon’s autistic.

That exposition dramatically slows down the story, and it also gives the narration more of this recounting feeling, instead of an event currently happening that the reader is entrenched in. My advice is to cut out all that unnecessary filler, let the story unfold naturally, and drop those details sparingly, or imply them and let the audience infer it themselves. Don’t be afraid to let readers walk ahead as opposed to holding their hand and leading them step-by-step.

Also, think about how you’re using your dialogue tags, not just in this passage but throughout your story. The one used here is quite redundant, since the dialogue shows Simon laughing, and the dialogue tag is, “he laughed”.

I can also tell from “These words barely left my mouth before I jumped out of bed” because this stage direction comes after the dialogue has already been spoken. Think about the placement of stage direction and dialogue, which is leading into which, because if dialogue is explained after it’s already been spoken, the reader either ignores it and moves on, or has to stop and reread.

Be aware of word choices, and it’s good to be specific. “I collided with the ceiling” gives the image of Scottie bodily colliding with the ceiling instead of simply his forehead. Also, “there were the unmistakable giggles of my worst enemy.” Where were the unmistakable giggles? “There” doesn’t tell us.

Some details could be unpacked, such as “I jumped out of bed, running after”, since he’s on the top bunk and I found myself wanting a better visual of this. I’d also suggest avoiding clichés, such as “my worst enemy”, “blonde-headed menace”, and “the little pest”. Even if your audience is middle grade or younger teen, clichés are like a comfort blanket, widely understood, safe, but also substitutes for braver, more telling word choices.

Finally, I think it’d help to have someone who knows their grammar and punctuation to check over a chapter or so with explanations to all their edits. Comma placement is a pretty tricky thing, and seriously subjective!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not quite yet. Though there are some enticing questions presented in the opening, I’d like to see some more done with the narrative first! (Also, feel free to take what I said here and apply it to the other intro you sent us and resubmit – I haven’t read it yet, since I like to do fresh readings, but you might find similar issues you can fix.)

Good luck! ♥