First 250 Words Smash! #47

Most Wonderful Author: Darcy Addams @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Rebecca
Working Title: Purple Violets

The money's all they need, the guys on the door know them. Arthur had picked the place out a few years ago, solely for the fact they gave you a wrist band instead of 'one of those horrible tramp stamps'. The muffled base of the music flared out as they entered the building, the noise instantly clamped down on their ears. Bodies milled, sliding past each other, detailed silhouettes in the dim lighting. Coloured lights threw tints over the walls, faces flashed green for a split second, black lace glowed crimson.

“Do you think Mike's got the base amped up more than usual?” Arthur whispered half jokingly as they pushed their way passed a group of girls, cyber dreads laced into their hair. He called it a whisper, but really it was a stage whisper shouted over the music thudding into their bones. Pierre shrugged, personally he liked the way the base reverberated through the floorboards, filling the room. Like a defibrillator, it jolted his heart in to wake-up mode.

“You're going to boil in that,” Arthur tugged at the cuff of his friends velvet jacket.

“We'll see, it'll be worth it on the walk home.”

Arthur himself was braving the cold in a dress shirt and black waistcoat with straps buckled across the chest.

“You'll just have to be the epitome of chivalry and lend it to me when we get outside.” He patted the taller male on the shoulder, smiling in mock sweetness.

Strong Points –
This intro creates a really strong sense of setting from a variety of different senses. I almost feel as overwhelmed as the characters by the lights and sounds. Some lines that I really liked include:

Coloured lights threw tints over the walls, faces flashed green for a split second, black lace glowed crimson.

Like a defibrillator, it jolted his heart in to wake-up mode.

There are some really strong verb choices that keep the description active and in the moment so we don't feel overburdened right at the beginning. My favorite might be the "sliding" bodies, which gives us a bonus to really feeling the sweaty crowd and the fluidity of their dancing all in one go!

You also have some great, specific choices for nouns, like cyber dreads (which after a quick google search I did find out are a real thing and not just fiberoptic connections you can braid in your hair that light up and connect to your favorite social networking medium, but I think the term still resonates with futuristic imagery!) and velvet jackets. This isn't just any old club, but it's also never straight out said that this is a goth club--a great example of showing vs. telling!


Some Tips –
There are a few grammar issues throughout, so it might benefit from another look-over (watch the mix-up of "base" bottom with "bass" wubwubwub. A big issue that kept cropping up is the dreaded comma splice.

Comma splices often lead to run-on sentences which can create a lot of problems in the flow of a story. It might help to take a step back and make sure some of these commas aren't used to link two separate sentences by accident. If both phrases around a comma can stand by themselves, they can either be broken up with a period, or connected with some sort of conjunction (and, but, although, when, etc.). For instance, let's look at the first sentence:

The money's all they need, the guys on the door know them.

For this sentence, it seems like there could be a connecting link between those two ideas:

The money's all they need, because the guys on the door know them. (So they don't need to show their ids.)
The money's all they need, but the guys on the door know them. (So they let them in for free.)
The money's all they need, and the guys on the door know them. (What more reasons do you need to go?)
The money's all they need when the guys on the door know them. (But not when it's that other guy who's always forgetting their faces, God, I hate that guy, rude.)

At other times though, don't be afraid to break up longer sentences and change up the rhythm for that extra special emphasis punch!

For instance, the comma splices also happen in my favorite line about the "coloured lights" and "black lace." It could be argued that the comma splices are left here intentionally to  give the reader that same pulsing feeling as the strobe lights, but because the comma splice is a recurring problem, my faith is shattered just enough that I see a grammar mistake rather than a stylistic choice. However, this sentence could also be broken up. Compare these two options:

"Coloured lights threw tints over the walls. Faces flashed green for a split second, and/then black lace glowed crimson."

"Coloured lights threw tints over the walls, and faces flashed green for a split second. Black lace glowed crimson."

To me the first sentence seems to be zooming in from a larger picture (perhaps could benefit from replacing "Walls" with "The crowd" or "The dance floor" so it stays connected to the people, like our other nouns, faces and lace?) to two close-ups. Using "then" rather than "and" also makes it very sequential—first one flash of color, then the next.

The second option feels like the last sentence is adding more force to the same point made by the first two, but with just a little more intimacy. Especially with the emphasis on that black lace, now at the beginning of its own sentence. Rrrow.

And those aren't the only two options available! Read it aloud. See what flows—and what doesn't! It doesn't matter ultimately which way you choose (even if it breaks grammar rules, although I recommend doing so on a limited basis) so long as it is a CHOICE. There are other great discussions of flow in critiques 44 and 41.

While this scene is told in 3rd person perspective, I can see some character voice coming through in the narration, which is great! However, there were a few instances when it didn't seem so seamlessly integrated, and it confused me instead.

First, the "tramp stamps" line threw me off since I think of tramp stamps occurring on only one body part—and it's not the back of a wrist. For a second I took it literally and thought this was a gang requiring secret tattoos before you could join! Common sense eventually intervened, but I think part of what was tripping me up is that this detail is sprung before we even get a real sense of the characters or setting yet, and it leaves a lot up to inference. First they are an ambiguous "they," then we are hardly introduced to Arthur before we are hearing him quoted about his preferred method of club entry. I think it would help to be a little more obvious and tack on an "as Arthur called them" or some other phrasing to make it extra clear. Then the reader should be safely correct in their assumptions.

Meanwhile in paragraph 2, I got stuck on the pronoun confusion over who is calling Arthur's speech a whisper. Is this Arthur himself reading his dialogue tags out loud? Or Pierre (who I assume to be our limited-pov character) calling it a stage whisper in his own narration?

I really like the image of someone trying to speak over the din of loud music and their yells coming across as a whisper to the person right next to them. But to me, it seemed like there was too much emphasis on terminology, and then in the middle of it all, there's that blurb of description about the cyber dread girls. It creates this disjointed gap in the narration that breaks up the flow.

But why worry about the dialogue tag and who's calling it what? Skip all that and get straight to the description of Arthur's voice. I think it would be easier to just tell us exactly how loud it is in comparison to the noise in the room, and then have the description move on to the cyber dreads. When in doubt, simplify! And that should help the flow of that entire line, so the reader doesn't have time to drift away from that description only to be whipped back for more. (For extra help on dialogue tags, they have been covered very well in past Word Smashs 37 and 42!)

And when writing descriptions, in addition to getting pretty words down on the page, it's important to make sure those words all make sense together. Let's take a look at this line:

The muffled base of the music flared out as they entered the building, the noise instantly clamped down on their ears.

The flaring of the music is great about capturing that feeling of opening up when entering a new, big space. But then immediately, that idea is contradicted by the noise "clamping down," which gives a sense of something closing violently. Rather than expanding on the idea of the noise in an open space, the rest of the description leaves the reader feeling more confused than anything. But that's okay! There's some great experimentation going on here. Maybe a few different word choices will make that second sentence jive better with the first, or maybe it will be axed to let the first part shine on its own. Just like with the flow I mentioned above, some conscious decision-making that tweaks what works in the piece and cuts what doesn't work will make the whole read cohesive, clean, and beautiful!

The rest flows well from there. Too well, even. The only thing this intro is missing is a taste of the conflict these characters will face in the story. I don't have any sense from this intro yet of what that could be, other than the fact these characters have temperature regulation differences. While I highly doubt the story is going to climax over an epic battle at the thermostat, I have no idea whether this will be a supernatural thriller about two vampires who target their victims in dance clubs or whether this is a romantic comedy about dating misadventures in the goth club scene.

The story could benefit from starting closer to the first major conflict or tension. It could have something to do with the reason Pierre and Arthur are at the club in the first place. Are they hoping to accomplish some goal at the club, or see someone in particular? What makes this club night different from the typical ones they experience? Is a fire going to break out any second? Is a rival going to punch Arthur in the face? Experiment with fast-forwarding to that moment when everything begins. Even a slight change in tone with certain words or key pieces of dialogue could fuel the reader's suspense and desire to keep reading.

Because while I think this scene is set up well in terms of balancing between dialogue and description and all those juicy active verbs, what I really want is this same skill of setup around the first conflict that turns this ordinary night into a story I can't put down.


Would I Keep Reading?
Alas, no for now. Although there's a lot that I like in this scene and descriptions, I want a little more that will tell me what plot-relevant incident is going to happen at this club to change your character's lives forever! But I think you will get there. Feel free to resubmit, because when you get this right, I think I'll be hooked! <3

First 250 Words Smash! #46

Most Wonderful Author: Erin Copland @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Annie
Working Title: N/A

Zaima could hear a woman screaming from outside the door. She didn’t bother knocking, but limped into the little cottage and paused on the threshold. There was a scent of blood and stale sweat, and the feeble candlelight barely illuminated the main room, just enough to show a man sitting at a table.

“Good evening, Goodman Tanner.”

“Took you long enough.”

“I’m afraid my mule has a bad leg, so I had to—” A woman’s scream cut her off. “Well. I’m here now.”

Zaima moved to go into the back bedroom, but he blocked her way.

“What’s your hurry? It’s not like she’s gonna die.” He laughed at her silence, and Zaima gripped the head of her cane tightly when he grabbed her arm.

“I think you’re awfully pretty, for a cripple,” he said. “Of course, I’m kind hearted.”

Zaima gritted her teeth. “Of course. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll see to your wife.”

Tanner sneered at her before collapsing at the table again and taking a long pull from his mug. Zaima nodded and walked into the back room.

She tried not to wrinkle her nose at the stench that was stronger in this room, an odor of prolonged childbirth. She opened one of the windows, lingering.

“There. That’s a bit better.”

A candle cast flickering shadows on a woman lying in a bed, dripping with sweat, her hands gripping the sheets as she tried to hold back another howl.

“Let it out, Goodwife Tanner,” Zaima said.

Strong Points –

There’s a sort of sparseness of language that really works here. It’s very clean, it keeps things tense, and I love how the short dialogue and the short word choice keeps time with the brief sentences. There’s something very Hemingway-esque about it.

The dialogue is also very nice. There’s a voice to each of the characters here, even if we only get a little from them. The language used and the flow of the sentences give a very good sense of how each sentence is meant to be read, mood-wise. That’s pretty important, given how dialogue tags are used in the piece. They only show up when necessary. That’s something I like, as well, though I hope the rest of the dialogue reads as easily without tags.

My favorite, by far, though, is the tension! It’s an uneasy scene, and I’m a pretty big fan of how the language and the dialogue really comes together to form the mood for this sequence. That’s not easy!


Some Tips –

I think what this scene needs most is tweaking—nothing big and dramatic, but a couple little things that can really punch up the writing.

One of them is about setting. I’m not talking about world-building or anything like that. What I mean is that this piece has a lot to say about the characters, but not much to say about the places they live in or the objects they touch. It’s something that can happen when you get exhausted by reading page after page of long, flowery prose detailing the weather and a blade of grass and the exhaustive family history of the guy mowing the lawn. Nobody likes too much of that kind of stuff!

But this is sort of the opposite. There’s a cottage, and there’s a table, and there’s a chair, and there’s a bed. This is a set, and these are props. But here’s the thing—I want to see as much life in these things as I see in the characters. I don’t mean there should be breaks here where a character carefully surveys their environment for, like, fifteen minutes. I mean there’re a lot of things a woman like Zaima can notice about a place like the Tanner’s homestead. And there’re a lot of small things that can tell you about the kind of people the Tanners are.

I’d love a few details dropped here and there into the prose. Little things, like the state of the floor, or how well the furniture has been cared for. I’m getting the sense that this is a low-tech setting. Is the house well cared-for? What kind of house do the Tanners keep? Has that changed since the Goodwife has been with child? Goodman Tanner seems like he’s been drinking for some time. Does he look drunk? How does that manifest in his body language or his complexion?

There’s a few places where I feel the description that’s already in place could be pushed just a little more. I love the “odor of prolonged childbirth,” but I wish there was a bit more to tell me what that smelled like. Sweat? Sickness? Warmth? Cloying Stickiness? Birth is not a pretty picture, and Zaima would be familiar with it all.

You can craft a lot of good metaphors and symbols for your characters through the way they present themselves and their home environments, because they can impart so much in such a short span of time. Little details, plopped into the prose, would make the setting feel as real as the characters do.

My second thing is a bit more subjective, and it has to do with the pacing of this piece. Brevity is what keeps the tension high in this scene, but brevity can be a double-edged sword. While I really like what the sparseness of language does to the mood here, I feel like there’s a few points where it gets a little too sparse, and I end up confused.

Let’s take the first few sentences for an example.

Zaima could hear a woman screaming from outside the door. She didn’t bother knocking, but limped into the little cottage and paused on the threshold.

I like the first sentence, in theory. A mysterious scream is a cheap, super effective hook, but I feel like this might need to be refined a bit. As it reads, if I take the first sentence by itself, I’m not sure if Zaima’s inside, hearing the noise from outside, or vice-versa. Then, in the second sentence, I learn that she was outside, is now limping inside, but before actually going inside, she pauses on the threshold, which is a word usually reserved for the space right before moving inside.

It’s not that I think every action needs to be specifically described, nor that the reader needs to be led by the hand through a narrative. But little things like this, small things that make me unsure, make me need to re-read a sentence, can cause a break in my immersion.

In a situation like this, where the language is tight and the focal character isn’t wasting any time with lingering, lengthy descriptions, the writing has to hit the ground running in the first couple of sentences. If a reader has to pause and go back to re-read to make sure they’re understanding everything, the tension breaks and the effect is ruined.

This is a tricky scene, so everything has to be written just so, so that the reader never picks their head up, never leaves the tense situation that’s happening on the page. The selection presented here requires a lot more attention to detail than most. I’d say it’s about 75-80% of the way there, as it stands.


Would I Keep Reading?

Oh, heck yeah. Starting off a story with a difficult birth in the middle of the night may be a trope, but it’s my kind of trope. I like what little I’ve seen of Zaima so far, and personally speaking, characterization is what keeps me going in a story. I’m not sure I’d be going on past when the baby’s born, since a scene like that will make or break a midwife character for me, but I like where it’s going. With a little more tweaking, I’d be totally on board.

First 250 Words Smash! #45

Most Wonderful Author: Marc @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

The flames come out of her lungs with the ease of a passioned scream. Her skins erupts in hot flashes, her teeth are made tender and raw, her hair flows in the air possessed by her fury. She is held down by the hands of two men with stones axes gripped in their arms, hunger in the bellies. They ravening through her village with the creed of self preservation etched in their hearts. The woman they hold down follows through example. She shreds through them with her voice. Screaming molten hate at their hearts. She drives them from the soil like so many fields of grain, hands reaching up to the sun in triumphant glory. Never do they or others like them return. The woman, now worshiped, would be remembered throughout the course of this history as the first of many. Her fury, tyranny, benevolence and mercy held in the same hand.

The punctuation of her reign ending with a kingdom made of hard stone. Song are sang on the day of her assassination. Death coming at the hands of tribe of warriors who move the shadows to their command. Her death followed by an eruption of light. The edges of night cutting her flesh with jagged ease. Thus was the cycle, seats of power were forged and opponents of the throne would come with legions to steal the crown. Across the world, cultures would mold the land to their whim, feeling the pulse of the earth flow though them. 

Strong Points –
I can tell that poetry is behind a lot of the writing. There’re definitely some interesting visuals going on here, and one of my favorite lines is this analogy: “She drives them from the soil like so many fields of grain.” I think this is one powerful simile, and it resounds so deeply with the passage overall. There’s a strong connection between the simile and the story, something that’s super critical when we’re looking to leave the right impression with the reader.

There’s a lot of experimentation here, which is good. Practice helps us develop our skills and add new tools to our writerly toolbox. After we’ve grown as writers, we get to look back at old stuff and realize how much better we are now. So definitely keep experimenting and playing with words!


Some Tips –
While there is certainly some strong wording, there are some various grammatical errors and incorrect word usage. Of course, prose isn’t always meant to be taken literally, which is the beauty of having creative (and poetic) analogies and leaving impressions. But, if the language is too vague, or even too precise, the images that are translated don’t make sense and leave the reader baffled.

Let’s take this sentence:

Her skin erupts in hot flashes.

When I picture something “erupting”, I picture something volcanic, or something shattering, like brick during an earthquake. Erupting means explosive, something that breaks apart because of some powerful force. So, in this instance, I’m picturing her skin literally exploding.

However, that doesn’t mean the word “erupt” can’t be used in this instance, because it’s a strong word that can potentially leave a strong impression. We can fix this sentence easily, but I’m hesitant about using the phrase “hot flashes” because, well, for me, “hot flashes” is a term commonly used for menopausal women.

So, as far as fixing this sentence, it’s super quick. All we have to do is rearrange the words:

Hot flashes erupt from her skin.

Now, it’s not her skin that’s exploding, but the power inside her. Many writers often make this mistake – as in, they target the incorrect subject with the verb. And, just as easily, these issues can be resolved with simply rearranging the words. Be aware of what your verb is doing to which subject or object.

As I said before, experimenting and practice is great. What I think should be the next skill to work on is restraint. I feel like you’re a poet first. That’s just how the writing comes across. But that eye for poetic phrasing encourages a lot of purple prose.

(Remember, “purple prose” is language that is often considered flowery, to the point of superfluous and/or distracting.)

An example of a very purple line is this:

They ravening through her village with the creed of self preservation etched in their hearts.

It feels to me, personally, that at least “creed” was located via thesaurus. (I actually didn’t even know “ravening” was a word either – Victoria schooled me on that one.) I could most certainly be wrong, but that’s my guess based on the way the word feels in the sentence. Sentences like the following are also contributors to this feeling:

The punctuation of her reign ending with a kingdom made of hard stone.

I even looked up “punctuation” just in case there was some sort of meaning other than periods, exclamation marks, commas, etc. The other definition I found was “to interrupt or occur in (something) repeatedly,” which I still don’t think applies to this sentence? I suppose this would probably go under the “incorrect word” tab.

But anyway, using a thesaurus is, to me, totally okay. Sometimes the word we need isn’t the word we have in our repertoire. However, if a writer finds a word from a thesaurus, they absolutely need to know what it means, both in definition and in modern culture.

As an example, “hot flashes” literally just means flashes of heat. But, culturally, “hot flashes” is used a lot more commonly as part of menopause. I also didn’t know ravening was a word (I learn something every day), which means it’s either an uncommon or dated word, or that I’m just embarrassing myself. Both are very likely.

If a writer’s choosing a word because it sounds cool, but they’re not totally familiar with it, then it’s a good idea to either take the time to become intimately familiar with it, or refrain from using it at all. Using a word we’re not familiar with can result in words that look like we popped open a thesaurus, standing out like a beacon.

But, for me, the purple part of the sentence is mostly “with the creed of self preservation etched in their hearts.”

It feels like a long way to say that these guys were simply striving to survive. Purple prose is deadly in that it slows down a narrative. It drags the prose with heavy words, trying to pack in as much information in one sentence as possible, or forcing poetic too hard. It’s either a struggle to read, or inorganic/insincere – or both.

A practice in restraint is shaving off the words that take away from the sentence more than they add to – which is also a good practice for poetry. Find the most important impression of the sentence, the idea that matters the most, and focus on that. Unpack the more telling words like “creed” and “ravening”. Show us what “creed” and “ravening” mean.

Take that sentence and ask, “What’s the most important information that needs to be conveyed?” That these guys are going to kill this woman out of survival? Are they pleased about this? Are they forced to? Or are they like a pack of wolves, hunting? How can this sentence be restructured so it frames this idea? How can the whole paragraph be restructured to frame this idea?

Think of it this way. If you step into a city like New York and see hundreds of towering skyscrapers, it’s an incredible sight, but it’s a lot to take in. In a single glance, will you remember any one or two buildings? Maybe. How about their size? They all look tall, right? It’s really hard to focus on any one building.

But, if you step into a city and see a single skyscraper surrounded by much shorter buildings, that single sky-scraper might look even bigger than any of the buildings in New York, and you’re going to remember it. Nothing is taking away from you studying this one building. Nothing is taking away from you remembering it. Restraint in writing is just like this.

As far as story stuff goes, my recommended reading is First 250 Words Smash #25x3. The things I’d talk about here in regards to the story have already been talked about there, so check it out!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. There’s a lot of great potential and good things going on, but more practice is definitely needed as far as craft and story go. Keep writing, keep getting feedback on both technical skill and craft, and keep growing! Good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #44

Most Wonderful Author: A. E. Conway @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year. Breath in her throat, she became a statue. The caves stayed silent. Raising her lamp, mouth pursed, she scanned the map. Three miles in, and she wasn’t quite lost, but looking at it frequently seemed like a good idea. She had a job, and bills to pay, and getting lost wouldn’t help.

“Alaia!” Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here. She tucked herself in to a crevice, and struggled to control her breathing. “Alaia! C’mere!”

Up ahead, a light appeared, the cave’s walls thrown in sharp relief. The sparkling yellows, blues, and pink seemed to mock the chills running down Alaia’s spine, winking gently at her. She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice. Nothing friendly could be up ahead.

“Alaia? Oh Alaia, won’t you come play?” Hands shaking, she fumbled briefly with the lantern. The sweet, high voice was something out of the fae tales her Mama had told her as child to scare her into being good. Those stories were called ‘fae tales’ for a reason. They weren’t true.
So what’s that then, mocked the only part of her that still had a backbone. ‘That’ was the thing that was lighting up the cave.

Strong Points –
Structurally speaking, there’re a lot of good things happening here. I can see a solid eye for balancing sentences for a smooth flow and good pacing. From here, it’s just a matter of tweaking and refining, building on what’s already there.

I’m also a fan of the tension, and I love that we get a sense of her fear without ever needing to have it said outright. Her hands shake, she fumbles, and in the beginning, she hesitates. I'm also a fan of the way some of the setting details, which are often dumped in the form of exposition, are relayed awesomely in tandem with the rising action. It’s not relayed in the form of, ‘This is being explained because it has to be explained eventually.’ It’s a lot more like, ‘This is being explained because it’s pertinent to the plot.’ This is my own Achilles heel, so good job on that!


Some Tips –
There’re some really great things happening here – now, let’s bring it up to the next level. And just to be clear, a lot of what I’ll say is purely subjective. This means we’re talking more about style and voice rather than technical issues, and a critique on style will always be based off of personal experience and opinions!

Okay, so, let’s begin. I can tell that there’s still a lot of experimenting going on in regards to sentence flow, so the talent is still raw and needs a bit more practice. As an example, the first three sentences put me off in my first read-through:

The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year.

While I loved the pacing of the first two sentences--with the choppiness that instantly generated tension--the short third sentence had me wondering if it was just a fluke. The flow did improve after that, but there were still some hiccups later on, especially with the second paragraph. A number of sentences followed a nearly identical formula, communicating a single idea and then ending. For me, this was extremely jarring, and as far as pacing goes, lost its effect quickly.

Let’s take an example:

Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.

There’s a lot of potential in this bit in regards to flow, and there’s a huge difference between the above and a simple change:

Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled, and Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.

This is only an example, but just combining two of the right sentences really drives the impact of that final sentence, “No one could be here.” The combined sentences really set up a frame for those final words, giving an extra sting to that moment of drama. Plus, the whole passage flows much better from that simple change.

The next suggestion I’d make is unpacking. As far as detail goes, this is a good foundation, but it’s time to sharpen those creative instincts and take the description and verbs to the next level. I was trying to find the best exercise for this, but really, anything about description is going to help, especially any of the exercises under the KSW Summer Camp and Description vs. Pacing categories. Check out the examples at the bottom of each individual exercise, too. Look for words that strengthen the imagery/sensory details.

What I was looking for in this intro was for the cave to really come alive. I have such a vague image of what the cave is supposed to look like that, when the light appeared, I really didn’t know what to picture. I want to feel what Alaia feels, and I want to feel it the way she feels and sees and smells it while she’s scared and confused. I want to be scared along with her. Creating atmosphere will do awesome things for this cave in that regard.

And, it can also help with the action. An example of a line I know can be improved is this:

Breath in her throat, she became a statue.

The words “in” and “became” are weak, neutral, and do little to create a more interesting feel of what she’s going through. Think of how to rearrange lines like this, to elevate the words and make something more interesting. There’s a difference between, “I took a breath,” and, “My lungs expanded with a slow, quivering breath.”

For now, those’re the two big things that I’d recommend. The rest are simply technical, such as beginning a new paragraph after dialogue that isn’t Alaia’s. Both times that the dialogue started the paragraph, I was confused, thinking she was the one speaking, and had to double back to make sure I hadn't misread.

Also, I’d recommend checking out “comma splices”. The one that really got me was this sentence:

She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice.

Do a bit of research on comma splices and this should be an easy fix.

And, finally, I’m not sure what Alaia’s age should be. In the beginning, she’s referred to as “the girl”, but at the end of the paragraph, we’re told she has a job and bills. Throughout the intro, however, I felt like her voice in the narrative sounded more like she’s “a girl”, much younger than anyone who’d be paying bills.

Anyway, I’m going to leave it at that. Mostly, start experimenting with prose. The technical skills are coming together, so now play around with finding your own personal style and voice!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I’d really like to see this intro again after some experimenting with both style and voice. I think that’ll do a lot of good things!

Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #43

Most Wonderful Author: Emmy @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: Event Horizon

The impact of the hard ground jarred his senses, forcing a soft grunt and air from his lungs. Fighting back the pain and catching his breath, the boy scrambled to his feet and continued to run, shedding bits of gravel and dirt from his hands and knees. The echoes of gunfire and whistling artillery shells, and the dull orange glow of a land engulfed in flames only worsened his fear and confusion. All around him in the midst of smoke and stars stood tall, faceless phantoms. Some spoke words, but they were muffled and unintelligible. The boy tried his best to weave around and avoid running into them, but his legs, burning and crying for rest, refused to obey. Clumsily pushing through the crowds and eliciting several angry responses, he continued to flee.

More gray phantoms rose up to impede his flight, this time brandishing the shadows of assault rifles. Again he tried to avoid them, but when the first one became intangible, his eyes widened in shock as he lost his balance and fell right through. The impact of his chin on the concrete rattled his teeth. He saw enough stars to form whole constellations. The distant sounds of gunfire and artillery shells grew near, now joined by a chorus of missiles and bombs and the roaring of jets overhead. The pain from the first fall was worsened by the second. Tears began to well up in the corners of his eyes as he struggled back onto his feet.

Strong Points –
Firstly, this is a great example of starting off with action and effortlessly establishing lots of good questions, like, “What the hecking heck is going on around this little boy?” But, of course, the intro never directly states the question. It’s easily implied. This is an awesome thing.

What I also like about this intro is how it builds, little by little, on the surroundings/setting. Details are dropped, one piece at a time, as the boy proceeds onward, starting with “gravel and dirt”, then gunfire, and so on. And, since the boy is running and hardly has the time to digest much detail, vague descriptions such as ‘the dull orange glow of the land engulfed in flames’ is a quick way to mark some surroundings believably. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in over-describing things during a scene that’s supposed to be fast-paced (especially with the question of “How much is enough?”), but moments like the aforementioned are good displays of resistance.


Some Tips –
Okay, so, I’ve two things to talk about here: pacing and voice.

Let’s start with pacing. I’ve already mentioned one thing that’s done well in this intro – quick descriptions – but what I’m thinking about more here is in regards to structure and flow. As it stands, simply looking at these two intro paragraphs, I never would have guessed that a boy was running for his life here. Reading brought me a little closer, but there’s still more we can do.

Firstly, check out this exercise on pacing, then check out the list of exercises provided on the final Description vs. Pacing post. Before climbing into the examples at the bottom of each exercise, here’s what to look for: how the sentences change depending on the pace. Even look at how the size of the paragraphs will change.

In fast pacing, when a character is running or being chased or whatever the thing is, less is more. The way information is communicated becomes briefer, sometimes communicated in short bursts. Think of it in terms of the character (or narrator) not having a chance to describe actions or setting in long sentences because everything’s moving too fast.

Suddenly this is happening. Then this. Another thing happened, and the character doesn’t know what to do. Then ultimate thing.

New paragraph begins.

(Do, however, refrain from mimicking the italics. Otherwise, it might read like, "Then she opened the bathroom door." I mean, I guess that could work in certain stories?)

So, while checking out the above examples, compare and contrast. Consider how information is being communicated in the different scenarios. Consider also that the writer’s own personal flair and style is very present in all examples as well. (As in, these are only examples and not the only way to write!)

Secondly, let’s take a look at voice. And, by voice, I mean character voice.

The boy’s young, right? So simplified words make sense. But through reading, I felt a bit distant from him, a step removed, and I think that may be because I didn’t really feel his voice in the writing. It felt closer to a list of events instead me watching this boy race to safety.

Let’s take an example:

Some spoke words, but they were muffled and unintelligible.

So, I don’t know if the phantoms are actually phantoms, or if they’re people. That’s fine if it’s by design (though, ‘tall’ made me think pretty darn tall, because ‘tall’ is a very relative word, such as ‘beautiful’ or ‘great’). But if this is a young boy running from ghostlike people, is he really thinking that the words they speak are ‘muffled’ and ‘unintelligible’?

Perhaps he’s thinking the words don’t make any sense, or the sound of their speech drives him to panic, distorts them into actual monsters, or maybe he tries to understand them and can’t, like when his mom calls for him in a dream and her words don’t make sense.

Think about a dominant impression. ‘Muffled’ and ‘unintelligible’ are words that are particularly uninvolved, emotionally detached – basically neutral. Those words don’t leave an impression. This event is particularly terrifying to the boy, so the trick is to find ways that really, truly communicate this instead of ‘the boy tried his best’, ‘clumsily pushing’, ‘he tried to avoid them’, and ‘the pain of the first fall’. Really think about how to express his character through the narrative.

On a final note, I would definitely advise working more on that title. “Event Horizon” makes me automatically think of the 1997 movie, and it fills up the entire Google search page, which isn’t good from a marketing standpoint. But, you have a start! Having something to work with makes things a lot easier.


Would I Keep Reading?
At this point, not yet. I would personally need to have more emotional investment with the character first (and I actually set down a book on the shelf in exchange for the book next to it just the other day for this exact reason – and the second book won because the character voice was much stronger). But I would definitely like to see a revision!

Good luck! ♥♥♥♥♥

First 250 Words Smash! #42

First of 2014 Super Awesome Author: Sadie @ Tumblr
Still in Dinosaur Years Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

In the morning stillness, Desdemona could only hear her own footsteps. She was walking slowly so she could scan the ground, but her efforts were only serving to frustrate her further.

She bent. Pressed a hand to the ground. Grimaced, since the moisture of the spongy earth rushed to engulf her fingers.

Everything was brown, soggy, and mostly dead.

She clicked a soft noise of irritation with her tongue and stood once more, continuing her slow walk. Her attention wandered, though, over the mossy trees and mushy dirt in the distance. It was hard to have hope when the forest looked like a dying swampland.

Having any kind of hope was harder since the magic had died, really.
She shoved a hand into her satchel as she walked, counting her findings for the day. Two round penn leaves for healing, three fignius leaves for focus, and one mushroom, barely on the brink of life. They would have to stew it immediately to get anything from it.

“’Mona!”

The voice of her teacher only exasperated her frustration at this morning’s bounty. But she turned and started her way back.

“Coming!”

The morning was brisk. She rubbed her hands together and remembered when she could use the friction of her fingers to pull life and healing from the leaves. The two crumpled leaves from today’s plants would boil to create a simple drink for colds, nothing more.

“Pathetic,” she muttered, and hurried to meet Cal.

Strong Points -
Though it might not be an action-packed start, this is a nice way to drop hints and questions. You have Mona collecting for spells and it leaves us to wonder what sort of world we're dealing with. These questions are great, they're what keep us reading. I want to know if Mona's doing this in secret, if she practices magic without others knowing or maybe she's poor and embarrassed so she collects the ingredients without others knowing. And the dead forest turned into a swamp, what the heck happened there? You've found a nice way to weave these details in without cramming them in, and that's awesome!


Some Tips -
The very first thing I noticed was the use of passive voice. It's in the first paragraph, "was walking" and "was only serving". Using "was" (or "had") plus the verb can at times be necessary, but most of the time it removes us from the character preforming the action and greatly slows down the pace. It's also a lot wordier than necessary.

"Mona walked slowly so she could scan the ground." To me, this has a stronger impact, as there are less steps between me and what Mona's doing.

To strengthen this even more, I might choose a more descriptive verb than "walked" just so to avoid using the adverb with it. Adverbs definitely have their places,  don't get me wrong. But if abused, they lose their effectiveness. Sometimes, they border on telling instead of showing.

Telling is a really hard habit to get out of, but becoming aware of it is one of the best things a writer can do for themselves. Learning to describe and effectively show the reader to a conclusion is so much stronger than just handing over a one or two-word description.

For example, "Everything was brown, soggy, and mostly dead." Well, what does that mean? That doesn't give me much of anything to picture. I probably don't know what a dead forest is supposed to look like, so just telling me that there is one there, and that it's wet, that's not helpful. How did this forest die? Did it burn? Are the trees sick and withering? Is there too much water for the climate and thus the trees have begun to rot? All of these things are very probable, but also very different in presentation. This will probably require research on your part if you don't know what this is like, but the end result will be totally worth it.

Another great way to help this is getting rid of dialogue tags. "Muttered" is telling me how she spoke, instead of showing me with the dialogue or how her body language  reads. If she's just saying one word to herself in the middle of the woods, I can probably deduce that she's grumbling it. Other things like shouting or snapping should be clear in the way the sentence reads. We say fewer words or pick more abrasive things to say when we're pissed. Even in text messages or blog posts, a tone is conveyed without us ever having to hear it. Again, dialogue tags are certainly not taboo, and have their uses, but learning to write without them can really help those description muscles.


Would I keep reading?
Not just yet, unfortunately. I need a little bit more before I'm invested in Mona and her world, and I didn't feel completely immersed. So please, resubmit so that Sarah or I can take a second look! Thank you so much, hope to hear back from you!

First 250 Words Smash! #41

Most Wonderful Author: Jinny Jones @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

“Why do you wear a hood all the time, even indoors?” she came right out with it and covered her nervous expression with a sip of her coffee.

“I’m a very private person. Why do you keep yourself so closed off from others?”

“I’m afraid of being abandoned and hurt. What are you hoping for out of this, you don’t strike me as the normal dating type, what’s really going on here?” she raised an eyebrow and he chuckled freely, carefully placing his cup back on the table.

“My, aren’t you perceptive? I’m not so sure you’re ready, though if you can tell that easily I suppose it won’t hurt. You are correct. I am not the typical man seeking courtship from you. I’m something else entirely, but the real question. Are you willing to find out what that something is?”

She could feel the heat even from the shadows of his hood, that darkness allured her. The shadows made his face invisible yet she swore she could see a lopsided grin at times in the darker shades of black. She could never be certain but in that moment, she felt heat from his hidden gaze and it was a heat solely for her.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

The constant, monotone alarm was once welcomed by her mind, now it was nothing more than a warning of deep sorrow and regret. Reaching for the nightstand, she killed the insistent beeping and dropped flat on the bed once again.

Strong Points –
I like that we begin with action right away. This is definitely a big plus. The dream also generates lots of interesting questions that easily carry my interest past the alarm clock. Above all, I’m wondering if she realizes she’s dreaming, or if the person she’s having her dream date with is someone she has encountered before, or if that she knows he actually exists outside her dreams – all those questions. This is a good thing if there’s the necessary unpacking, of course! In terms of creating conflict right in the intro, this does a good job. There’s a lot to think about and a lot to store away while reading on.


Some Tips –
The first thing that quickly got me was the sentence flow. Many lines were jarring and inorganic to me. I suppose this would have something to do with punctuation, but I’m also leaning heavily upon transitioning from one thought to another.

Traditionally, a sentence introduces an idea, and when a new idea is introduced, the first sentence ends and the next sentence begins. Of course, personal style and voice slices and dices and beats the heck out of this rule. But the writers who do it well are writers who acknowledge why this rule is a rule.

Here’s an example of where it’s not working:

What are you hoping for out of this, you don’t strike me as the normal dating type, what’s really going on here?

Each of the above clauses can make three separate sentences because they’re three different ideas.

What are you hoping for out of this?
You don’t strike me as the normal dating type.
What’s going on here?

The first clause is really its own sentence to me. I feel the second and third clause aren’t properly joined by a conjunction, or some other transitional word or punctuation mark. Here’s an example of what I mean:

You don’t strike me as the normal dating type, so what’s really going on here?

Or:

You don’t strike me as the normal dating type—what’s really going on here?

It feels like the second and third clause are utilizing the comma as a semicolon, which would still, I think, technically be incorrect? Because the two ideas don’t feel related enough. But, of course, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m definitely not the all-seer of grammar and punctuation.

Anyway, let’s take another example:

I’m something else entirely, but the real question.

This sentence is very jarring. The transition felt very unnatural to me, and the ending felt like doing a seatbelt check on all the passengers. Total whiplash. With a sentence like this, I’d be expecting an em dash, or even a colon. Something that flows naturally into the next thought.

Technically, without the right punctuation, this sentence reads like he’s saying he’s something else entirely, except the real question. As in, he’s not the real question. This can easily be misinterpreted.

As a final example:

I’m not so sure you’re ready, though if you can tell that easily I suppose it won’t hurt.

This is an example of where I felt the sentence read clunky, and I had to read it slowly because of the phrasing. I also thought it read a bit informal compared to the previous sentence.

But, I still think this goes back to flow and punctuation. The way I ended up reading it in my head was more like this:

I’m not so sure you’re ready—though, if you can tell that easily, I suppose it won’t hurt.

My own punctuation placement is stylistic for myself as well, but what I mean to show is exactly how I had to read it in order to understand. The em dash is a long pause, a sign of transitioning from one idea to a similar idea. The commas are brief pauses, and in this case, a split infinitive. Not everyone likes split infinitives, but in dialogue and close POV, they’re perfectly believable if done well.

Nextly, I’d have to say that when my alarm jolts me awake from deep sleep, my reaction is usually a bit more exclamatory and a bit less reflective. When I wake up from sleep, I’m still trying to figure out what day it is and where I am and, heck, even who I am. So I felt the main character’s immediate reaction unrealistic.

(Also, as a side note, since “BEEP! BEEP!” sort of speaks for itself, there’s no need to reiterate “The constant, monotone alarm”.)

The final thing I’d suggest is unpacking. I didn’t get a good dose of description because of the action, which is fine in this case. But “deep sorrow and regret” is a good example of telling versus showing, and we’ve talked a lot about that in previous Word Smashes (I’d recommend checking out 25x3, since it goes into more detail, but I’d also suggest checking back through other Smashes as well).

Mostly what set me back was the style. I can see it trying to come through, and it’s almost there, it just needs some tweaking and fine-tuning. Some good practice will take care of that. Also, I almost forgot, but make sure to check out the proper formatting of dialogue!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. Practice, practice, practice, and do lots of critical reading of your favorite books to see how authors write dialogue to make it look natural. Really study how they use their punctuation, as well as when, why, how, and etc. Then, get some of your writerly friends or well-read friends to read your stuff and see if things are flowing smoother.

Hope that helps! Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #40

Fortieth Author!: Carly P
Not the Fortieth Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

Music and the bodies of fairies form a circle on the hill. The dancing begins with twin royals of the daoine sidhe, Dubhlainn and Aoife. Together, they stride to the center of the circle and begin to dance. As they turn, they drift apart, fingers brushing palms. They go to the guests and each selects a new partner.

Freya gasps to herself when the beautiful daoine princess pulls her into a swirling dance. Could she know that Freya, one of the ianann sidhe, wasn’t meant to be here? If she notices, she doesn’t seem to mind.

Dubhlainn searches the crowd for a partner. His gaze falls upon someone with dark hair that falls down his face and with cheekbones like cut glass. He can’t place a name to this boy, but he has the feeling he’s seen his before and he guesses he must work for the royal court. When Dubhlainn takes his hand, he notices his hands are rough and are laced with small burns. A baker, perhaps? Or was he related to the royal blacksmith? Dubhlainn focused on the dark eyes in front of him as every guest began to dance. He leaned toward the boy slightly, and whispers, “What is your name?”

“My name is Aedan. It’s good to meet you, Dubhlainn.” They both smiled.

The night was warm and they were caught in a whirlwind.

Strong Points --
Well I love me a good fairy story, let me tell you. I love seeing the whole fairy court and all of the impossible to pronounce Gaelic (at least for me) and I'm so excited for this. You've got some really nice description in here, the cheekbones like cut glass, and the mention of fingers brushing across palms as they separate. I like these little details you've snuck into the narrative, because they raise questions, especially the burns on Aedan's hands.

Some Tips --
That being said, I really wish more details have been injected here. I know we're at a ball, but I have no idea what a fairy ball might look like, and I have no hints or clues to go by. Are there decorations? Do they wear big dresses? Do they wear nothing at all? I don't know any of this. Everything has largely been left up to my own imagination, and it's left me with blank, white surroundings. As with the royals (twins?). I don't know what they look like. I don't need paragraphs and paragraphs, but this is a whole new world for me, and without that sensory description, I have nothing to translate how magical this realm is supposed to be.

Also, there is a lot of telling, a lot of unloading exposition where we do not need it. A perfect example is Freya, who we've been outright told she should not be there because of what she is. For me, this could have been communicated so much stronger through body language, through Freya's body chemistry and her fear, and then later revealed when it's necessary to know. It certainly raises its own questions, but telling us instead of showing she shouldn't be there kills the potential for a great look into her character.

For example, are Freya's palm's sweating? Is she watching the rest of the crowd over Aoife's shoulder to see if anyone notices her for what she is? Or is she so captivated by the princess that she forgets to be paranoid? Does she trip? Is it effortless to fall into step with Aoife? I would have known so much more about both of them and their situation with some more detail, and I would have become more attached to the characters themselves. Telling bypasses all of this, and just presents me with a fact that's a little colder.

Would I keep reading?
Not yet. Unfortunately, I really feel you have to slow down and take the time to weave more details into your narrative. It's a tough thing to do, to balance sensory details, characters, and the plot all at once. Our suggestion is always that you read. Read, read, read! Read your favorite authors and  figure out how it is that they paint a picture, let you know the character, and still keep you dying to know what happens next. And then we'd be so happy if you resubmitted! Thank you so much and good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #25x3

Most Wonderful Author: Kaitlyn Noble
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: The Underground Prince
History: Previous Submission || First Submission


Previous Submission:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. I can hear in his voice that he’s scared but trying to hide it, so I hide my own fear and stand a little straighter. Right after I agree, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I obey my father’s orders and run towards my room, excitement in my veins that there’s actual fighting going on, but also fear. Fear of what might happen. Knights and guards are blurred shadows as they hurry past me. Servants and other castle workers scatter in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. As I run past, a few servants tell me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.”

As I round another corner, boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!” “They’re gaining ground fast, they’ve already breached the inner walls!” There’s one bit though that makes my heart stop.

Revision:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. The words are spoken anxiously, his voice low and firm. I nod once and force my shaky legs to stand straighter and be still. Right after this, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I let my posture slouch in defeat and run towards my room, annoyed that there is actual fighting going on that I must miss. It’s hard to keep my hands from punching the nearest wall as the blurry, fleeting shadows of the castle guards hurry past. The further I go, the more servants and other castle workers I see scattering in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One stumbles and slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. A few glare at me, shouting for me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.” 

As I round another corner, my boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!”

Strong Points:
As you might have noticed, I’ll be taking over this revision on Victoria’s behalf to help give more perspective in this revision. I volunteered myself right before she volunteered me, so I’m happy to put in my thoughts!

I can see how you’ve applied some of what Victoria’s said, and that’s awesome. There are some new details, and also “showing” of his frustration through the line, “It’s hard to keep my hands from punching the nearest wall,” which is a solid sign of characterization that we didn’t have before. The additions definitely help.


Some Tips:
However, while the additions help, revisions are still quite timid and minute. I understand what Victoria’s been trying to explain about this intro, and while there are certainly some improvements, her points still stand: the intro reads like a summary of events. It feels like the main character is recounting over dinner to someone a moment that happened. I’m not fully immersed in the story because the action is described in a retrospective way.

Let’s take the very first line.

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

This is a summary. In fact, this could be the first line of a synopsis (which is usually in third person, not first, although it’s not unheard of). I can picture reading the summary on the back of the book and this being the first line. That’s cool, but it’s not as effective in the actual story.

This is what Victoria means by telling. That first line is the core example of “telling” versus “showing”, and while there are certainly times where “telling” is absolutely appropriate (and some might argue that this might actually work here), both Victoria and I agree that this opening line loses the potential drama of the intro.

What Victoria has been trying to explain is to utilize action for greater impact. Let’s take the very first line here:

One moment I am laughing with my father.

This can be unpacked with action. What are they talking about? Where are they? What’s the relationship between them? What’s their connection? What do they look like? All of these potential questions are lost because, instead of beginning with action, the action is summarized.

The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

‘War zone’ means nothing to the reader. Was there an explosion? Are there fires? Did someone run in and announce a siege on the castle? What are the stakes? What is the conflict?

Also, ‘The next thing I know’ or other modern idiosyncrasies are actually kind of like ‘throwaway lines’, or clichéd phrases that don’t really carry their weight.

Let me try to give a real concrete example of what I mean. Keep in mind that this is just my own personal exploration of the story and not intended to be used for anything other than just a basic example. Let’s take the third line:

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe.

And to demonstrate “unpacking”, “showing” and “action”, I’ll write it like this:

He grabs me by the shoulders, his leather hands too stiff. “Son, go to your chamber.” I hardly recognize his voice, both stern and firm, yet each word quivered on the tip of his tongue. “Lock the doors. Stay quiet. Stay hidden. Do not come out until I’ve sent word it’s safe.”

My own voice cracks in my throat. “Father—”

A resounding boom rocks the castle and challenges my balance. Father recovers first and shoves me away. “Go.”

Again, this is just an example of something that could have been explored from that single line, where the narrative can take the reader into “the moment” of the story instead of glaze over it. I want to see how dad’s anxious, not just have it told to me. Moments like these are what really bring home the contrast and stakes of the story.

For me, the entire first line can be unpacked to fill the first 250 words. I can see it. There’s a lot that we lose as readers when it’s all crammed together into a single line of telling. Personally, I would definitely suggest a whole rewrite, because I think you can do much better than this. Brave restarting fresh and think about what matters as you write—what should be conveyed, and how.

But before you brave another revision, I’d definitely advise you to check out our masterpost of exercises. Some of the exercises also have examples, and I’d recommend checking into those as well (especially on the pacing side, because I think that’ll help you a lot).

Also, I’d recommend picking up a book in your genre (middle grade or young adult fantasy, I’d guess) and read critically like a writer. Take notes, mark passages with stickies or post-its, and really learn how the author’s craft functions in scenes like yours. Study how the author keeps the reader rooted in the story and avoids summarizing events (or, conversely, uses summaries of events to benefit the story, because not all “telling” is bad).


Would I Keep Reading?
I want to see some big changes if you decide to do another revision – I’d also be super excited if you did. I love to see huge improvement, and once you let go and really get into revising, I think you’ll do something awesome!

Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #39

Most Wonderful Author: Cactuar
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

They always sat, him and Halil, perched atop the towering walls in the evenings, sharing what food they could scrape together and looking out towards their doom, the black silhouettes which swarmed over the hills surrounding their city, once home to some of the best vineyards in the whole of the world-- now a scarred and barren expanse marked by the charred remains of an arbor here or there, sticking out of the ashes like the blackened bones of some long-dead beast.

He didn't know why they did it. It wasn't as if seeing them out there helped anything. There was no help for any of it. Nothing to do but sit and talk and eat what they could find, and watch Halil's eyes grow colder and darker and harder with every day that passed.

By now, the stores had gotten so low and nerves frayed so raw by the fear of what was coming that violence was breaking out among the citizens. The day before, the guards had violently repelled a group of panicked townsfolk trying to throw open the gates. Surrender, and hope for mercy…though, they had to know that it was far too late for that. Surrender, then, and at least get it all over with a little faster.

As it turned out, they didn’t have much longer to wait. Five days later the gate fell, and Halil turned to Kadri and suggested that they jump.

"Jump?" he'd squeaked in reply, leaning out over the edge [...]

Strong Points –
What I liked about this was the subtlety in the writing. It’s definitely far from purple prose, but in that aspect, I like it. The simplicity makes description like “sticking out of the ashes like the blackened bones of some long-dead beast” stand out like a frame around a portrait, so I like it. (And I absolutely love that metaphor, like wow, so perfect for the atmosphere and mood.)

The first paragraph is definitely my favorite, because not only does it build up the surroundings, but it builds up the setting. It effortlessly begs the question “what happened here?” without ever prompting the words. That’s definitely a skill that takes practice to evolve.


Some Tips –
While I love the first paragraph, the following paragraphs fell into the trap of exposition and info-dumping, all “telling”. The first paragraph does a good job of setting up the scene, but then we lose it when we enter all the background telling.

While this information might be critical for the reader to know, it delays the start of the actual story, the reason why readers picked up the book, and there are other ways to unpack it other than taking up so much of the crucial opening paragraphs. A good way to unload all this necessary background information is to unload ideas with and between dialogue. Check out the example I have in that old post, and also the super old post linked above. These’ll help create some strategies on how to tackle adding backstory in as it becomes necessary.

Of course, there are times where telling is absolutely necessary and okay. (There’s a post somewhere about this that I saw recently, but for the life of me, I can’t find it.) A good balance of showing versus telling and telling versus showing keeps the dynamic of the world and character intentions clear and distinct and focused. The art of showing alone simply can’t reveal all that necessary information, but in the beginning, setting up the story is critical. Finding this balance will take practice (I can definitely attest to that, because it’s one that I’m still far from mastering).

Secondly, be aware of word choice. “Doom” for me is a word that says very little in the context of a narrative because it’s something that’s relative. The definition of it changes from person to person. Also, there’s the connotation of the word that hits the scale of “epic” for me, a word so overused because of its dramatic flair that I can’t see it used in fiction anymore – not in a serious manner, anyway. In modern dialogue, sure. Or even in the narrative from the POV of a modern voice.

Other than that, I’d say be conscious of grammar such as “he and Halil” versus “him and Halil”. Another bit is that the first paragraph is all one sentence. That’s 82 words in one sentence with five commas and one dash. That sentence can definitely be broken up, and it might improve how the opening flows.

Also, as a final note, check out 250 Words Smash #37 for some tidbits on dialogue tags.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. Half the intro was exposition, so I didn’t have much of a chance to get into the story. I’d like to see a revision, though, and then I’d get a better sample of the writing, too. Since the exposition was mostly summary, it’s difficult to get a better feel for prose. I’m sure I’d have more feedback then!

Good luck!

♥♡❥

First 250 Words Smash! #38

Very Spooky Author: Alexander Paine @ Tumblr
Not so Spooky Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

“Fuck! Hey! Watch where you’re going!”

As Travis crashed to the floor the tray he carried clattered on the ground. Glass shattered and flew in every direction away from him, while golden champagne pooled on the redwood deck. He winced as he picked himself up. His right knee, the first part of him to hit the ground, throbbed painfully. Travis looked down his pants leg and, seeing a scuff mark on the tuxedo leggings, became certain that he scraped himself in the fall. All around him the festivities on deck came to a halt, and every eye lay on him.

“Sorry, sir.” He stammered as the man he bumped into, through no fault of his own, turned to face him. The partygoer was dressed similarly to Travis, though, instead of a black tuxedo, his was all white and made of finer material that sheened in the soft, sensual light. Some of the champagne had collected on the surface of his shoes and splashed the hem of his pants. “Shit! I’m so sorry. This is my first time out here and I’m not entirely used to navigating out here yet.”

“How difficult can it be to just walk around someone?” The man sneered. “Idiot! Get back to your job and clean this glass up before someone cuts themselves.” He turned back to the card table and those around him followed suit. A moment later things on deck returned to normal, the incident forgotten.

Strong Points -
You have some good descriptors in here! And they're very good clues for telling us what kind of party Travis is at, and that he's not exactly an invited guest. But you never outright tell us that. That's awesome. You've trusted your readers to figure out the clues for themselves. You used dialogue for that purpose as well. The fact that Travis is so willing to use curse words when he is in a work environment, that also says a lot about Travis. He's definitely not at home in this atmosphere, and it shows in these little ways.


Some Tips -
As I said before, I really love the description that you've put into the beginning, because it gives us so much information. Now let's fine-tune it.

Some of this is awkwardly worded and unnecessarily long. For instance, describing the other man's white tuxedo. We don't need to know that he's wearing a tuxedo like Travis because we've already been told what Travis has on, and that was described only a few sentences ago. We haven't forgotten just yet. You can just get straight to the part where the sensual (I really liked this word) light shines a certain way on the fabric. Another word you've repeated is "redwood". Instead of reusing words, take this opportunity to give us a new word that adds another dimension to the surroundings.

Even the collision and the fall could have been a bit clearer. I didn't really understand that Travis had fallen until I kept reading. You wait until a few sentences later to tell me that he landed on his knee, when I think that should have been mentioned upon impact. That would hurt. That's not exactly a detail to be exposed in the aftermath, but the sort of thing that should be known when it happens. It brings us a little closer to Travis, because we all know what it's like fall on our knees and how much it hurts.

Also, I am personally not a fan of dialogue tags such as "stammered". I believe you can communicate this much better through the dialogue and actions, and you have. The fact that he calls the other man "sir" shows the hierarchy, and I think you can better show how nervous Travis is through actions or otherwise. Sarah gave an excellent example of this in the last Word Smash, which you can read here.

Over all, this lacks a certain voice. I think you still need to play with your style of writing, because this doesn't feel like it belongs to you. I want your voice, I want your way of writing, and this reads like your style is still in its infant stages. That's okay! We all start with little babies, and the best way to nurse them is to read. Read popular writers like J. K. Rowling and Stephen King and Neil Gaiman and see what it is about their voices that makes them sound like themselves. As writers, we take what we like from others and we mold it to fit ourselves. I even learned from reading fanfiction and RPing.


Would I keep reading?
Not yet. I just don't feel like I have enough about Travis to tie me to him, or have enough of his situation just yet.  I feel that this is purely setup for where the story really begins, and that I'm not really hooked anymore. So if you revise after taking a look at this, please resubmit! I'd love to see how you nurture your own style, and I can't wait! Thank you so much! <3 <3 <3

First 250 Words Smash! #37

Most Wonderful Author: Ibi @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: Icarus: The Rise and Fall of Grey Warren, (self-proclaimed) Rock God

Tracey wasn't in her dorm room, and according to her roommate she hadn't been there all day. Of course, Marlena was kind of a colossal bitch who gave Grey the stink eye every time he came over and made a big production about going to bed at, like, nine thirty if he had the audacity to still be in the room, so Grey wasn't quite willing to just take her word on it.

Tracey liked to joke about fucking on Marlena's bed whenever she wasn't there, which honestly wasn't often. At least, Grey hoped it was a joke. He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods. But they weren't off just then, not that Grey knew about, so there really shouldn't be any reason for that pinched and unpleasant look on Marlena's face.

“Do you know when she’ll be back, then?” he asked.

He felt it wasn't a completely unreasonable question—this was his actual girlfriend he was talking about, after all, not some random person he was ineptly trying to stalk—and he didn't think that Epic Eye-Roll was at all warranted.

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

Strong Points –
Right away I’m thinking this is a NA (New Adult) contemporary romance, and I can definitely see this kind of thing with a rocking cover. The character voice comes forward in an in-your-face way, which I love. I can already tell he’s the kind of guy I’d want to drop-kick in the face and I’m geared for some serious character development already. And even from the two strings of dialogue, awesome. Perfectly natural, and I can just hear their voices in my head as if I’d already spent time with them and got to know them.


Some Tips –
The craft is still pretty raw, but the talent is definitely there. Fine-tuning the writing will bring the story up a hundred levels, and they’re some pretty easy fixes.

Let’s start with the first thing: the opening. The first two paragraphs are 100% backstory, AKA exposition. This exposition delays the start of the action – the actual story begins at the very end of the second paragraph, with Marlena’s expression. That backstory might be necessary to properly set up the scene, but it’s more effective to drop the necessary bits intermittently between dialogue and actions – as the story requires it. Let the narrative generate the question, then give answers as necessary, instead of giving all the answers up front and then asking all the questions. Let the readers ask the questions (“Why is Marlena making that face?”) and then provide the answers.

Secondly: divide up the long sentences. While they’re definitely part of Grey’s voice and a bit of a stylistic device, the series of long sentences that try to cram as much information as possible into one line can be disorienting. Let’s take this example:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods.

That’s all, technically, one sentence. If I were an editor (a big “IF”, since grammar and punctuation law is way too dizzying for me to care too much about), I might chop it up to look like this:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed. (That was just…creepy. And unsanitary, probably.) But he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that, whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods, she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommate’s sheets.

What did I do? Made the first part its own sentence, as well as the parentheses, and then the last part. Also, since I was grappling with what Grey and Tracey’s relationship were, the third part threw me off as I was reading until I got to the very end. To prevent that confusion, I moved the piece closer to the beginning of the sentence.

(Oh, and I also added an apostrophe to “roommates” to mark possession.)

Finally, dialogue tags/indicators/direction. I believe more in dialogue “lead-in” than dialogue tags, but let me explain using an example:

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

As a reader, and even as a slow reader (admittedly, since most of my friends finished the last Harry Potter in a matter of a few days and it took me about a week or so), I tend to gloss over dialogue tags. The thing is, by the time I’ve read the dialogue, I’ve already characterized the voice and the way the words were spoken, so to have the dialogue tags afterward to tell me I read the dialogue incorrectly is jarring.

“Said” and “ask” are good, simple things that serve their purpose of disappearing. They’re there only to mark who’s spoken. However, “speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible” is the stage direction that’s jarring. This doesn’t mean it has to be crossed out, of course. But, for me, it reads a whole lot better if I have the stage direction before the dialogue. It could read something like this:

She spoke as slowly and condescendingly as possible. “I don’t fucking know, ok?”

A dialogue tag isn’t even needed then because the lead-in suffices as an indicator for who’s speaking, and how.

Ultimately the use of dialogue tags is a stylistic thing, but I think writing is so much stronger when they’re limited or arranged more advantageously. Any writing that draws attention to itself can instantly jolt readers from the story. This is a way of preventing that.

Other than that, make sure to keep in the correct tense (“… so there really shouldn't be any reason …” as opposed to “… so there really shouldn’t have been any reason …”) and to consider bits and pieces of description. I don’t know what anyone or anything looks like (although the opening exposition stole much of the opportunity for description), or any of the other senses.

Oh – and I also substituted your slightly changed title for the one you emailed, since I know you participated in the KSW First Impressions title series. Honestly, I think dropping "Icarus" makes the title stronger and less "telling". (Maybe even taking out "and fall"?) You don't want to give away the whole story with the title!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. The writing needs to be stronger first, but I can definitely already sense a market for this – which is a hugely good thing. When lit agents read requested work, they not only read to enjoy, but also read to see how sellable the manuscript is. This has a market, I can already tell, and once the writing is stronger, I can see this getting high request rates (or even doing well on the Indie and self-pub platform, since NA is a big seller there, too).

Good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #36

Most Wonderful Author: Phoebe
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

Don’t panic.

This is what I will tell you when at last we meet.

The scene blossoms in my awareness; you are on the ground. Around you, life happens too fast. Leaving you behind. Bright lights add their punctuation to the rainswept darkness as they flare and fade. The street lights shed their sodium glow in mourning. Incandescent tears.

I watch, gaze following the panicked motion of the people fluttering about you. Their intentions burst from their chests like doves, trailing shards of light. They drift, pulled out behind their splintered streams of sound and colour. They are out of focus. Irrelevant. You, on the other hand, are the fixed point. For this iteration of present, you are the purpose of my existence.

Your heartbeats are fitful. Slowing. A small bird dashing itself against its cage. I wait.

You are cracked. Flawed. Fundamentally. You spin along a catastrophe curve in a state of cheery oblivion, and when it ends – an inevitability, and a bloody one – I am there to discreetly sweep away the pieces. Gently collect you together.

We shall say, for now, that I provide a service.

You are beginning to fail. Layers of neurons closing connections. Shutting down operations. Your lungs are no longer functioning, saturated with blood. Anoxic cell death is imminent.

I move a little closer. You sense my presence, I think; some people do. A side effect of the chemicals flooding your system, the biological equivalent of clamouring alarms and fail-safes.

Strong Points –
I mean, wow??? As in, wow, wow, wow. The second person POV made me wary at first, as second person tends to do, but as soon as I let myself delve in, I was almost wholly enraptured by it. Some of the lines were just so absolutely perfect, like the streetlights with the sodium glow in mourning, and I was like, wow. I couldn’t even say why, but that was my favorite line. I think it might have been that I was also paired with a flavor, the saltiness, which evoked another dimension of the description that just hit the right place for me.

I also love the flow. The variation of sentences. My second favorite sentence is one of the shortest: “I wait”. Holy herd of cattle. It was in the right place with the right combination of elements, and ending that sentence with “I wait” is just the perfect punctuation to the paragraph – and I’m geeking out. Okay.

My third favorite thing is the narrator. Specifically, how hints are dropped, how it’s implied in little doses what the narrator is, and it connected with me just in time in the last paragraph, “You sense my presence, I think; some people do,” and I back-flipped. There are plenty of hints throughout, but it all connected for me with this line.

 
Some Tips –
Every bit of advice I can give here is only my purest of opinions, which is 100% subjective to my own personal tastes. I’m sure other readers might find the prose perfect as is, but as a fan of restraint, I have some thoughts.

By “restraint”, what I mean is holding back in order to let certain elements shine. Composition in art does this. Clouds and trees and mountains are beautiful, but crammed together and fighting for the same spotlight creates a very busy, distracting image.

The same can apply to writing as well. So many elements competed for the spotlight in this intro that, as much as I liked bits of it, reading was admittedly very slow and cautious, like tip-toeing.

Let’s take this paragraph:

I watch, gaze following the panicked motion of the people fluttering about you. Their intentions burst from their chests like doves, trailing shards of light. They drift, pulled out behind their splintered streams of sound and colour. They are out of focus. Irrelevant. You, on the other hand, are the fixed point. For this iteration of present, you are the purpose of my existence.

If I were to revise it, these are the lines I would consider eliminating or paring down:

I watch, gaze following the panicked motion of the people fluttering about you. Their intentions burst from their chests like doves, trailing shards of light. They drift, pulled out behind their splintered streams of sound and colour. They are out of focus. Irrelevant. You, on the other hand, are the fixed point. For this iteration of present, you are the purpose of my existence.

Let me describe the reasons why:

1. This line is so abstract that I’m not sure whether to see it literally or metaphorically, specifically since this is the intro and I’m trying to find some grounding for the setting, to visualize where this is taking place.
2. The description contradicts the proceeding line: “They are out of focus. Irrelevant.” So much emphasis is brought upon the people, but then discounted right after, that I wonder why so much attention is drawn to people that are blurred.
3. This bit: “Your heartbeats are fitful. Slowing. A small bird dashing itself against its cage.” This part borrows a bird comparison as well, and I would choose this in favour of the former because it’s stronger, and I know it’s not a bird in the literal or semi-literal sense. By now, I’m a little more grounded, and it’s enough that I can gather this is not to be taken literally.

My recommendation would be to reduce the description of the crowd into something that sends them to the back instead of draws the spotlight onto them. The spotlight is on the narrator and the subject of the second person POV. Everything else is less important and, when it competes for the spotlight, takes away from the narrator and the subject.

Another paragraph that was a bit jarring was this one:

You are cracked. Flawed. Fundamentally. You spin along a catastrophe curve in a state of cheery oblivion, and when it ends – an inevitability, and a bloody one – I am there to discreetly sweep away the pieces. Gently collect you together.

The jarring part is more or less this particular part:

You spin along a catastrophe curve in a state of cheery oblivion, and when it ends – an inevitability, and a bloody one

This sentence rips me out of the delicate grip I have on the present given to me from the narrative, and I was confused because I very much pictured the subject literally suddenly spinning. I had to pause and reread the entire paragraph to understand that the intent was to send me backwards in time to get some perspective on what was happening presently, but I had a bit of whiplash from it.

My favorite parts were the ones that I didn’t have to reread or tip-toe through. After that aforementioned paragraph, it was perfectly smooth sailing until the end and I enjoyed it very much.

Like, very much.

This is the type of writing that I would reread just for the beauty of it, and just for the fact that most of it seems so effortless that I seethe with envy. I do, however, need to get through my first read-through with as few hiccups as possible.


Would I Keep Reading?
A little more, at least, to see if there are any further hiccups in the writing. If the language sets me back too often, I’m more likely to put down a book and never pick it up again. I am, however, definitely interested in the story proposed. I’m also curious as to how the second person POV would proceed.

Good luck!