First 250 Words Smash! #54

Most Wonderful Author: Kamil
Most Evil Critique Master: Aly
Working Title: N/A

The driest place in the world is in Antarctica. You wouldn't think it with the whole continent being made of ice, but it's actually true. Right in the middle, there's a place scientists like to call the Dry Valleys where there's no ice at all, just crust. It hasn't rained there in more than a million years and any moisture that manages to roll down into the valleys from the surrounding ice shelves is immediately evaporated by winds rushing through at 200 miles per hour: cold enough to freeze your skin solid or fast enough to rip it off. Oddly enough, even the Dry Valleys aren't devoid of life. A kind of bacteria called extremophiles thrives off the harsh environment and lack of competition for food.

In Sarah's new apartment, the walls were rotting in. A dark, gray water stain clung to the ceiling and bowed it inward, threatening to soak a sofa that looked like it had already been through enough. Sarah stepped in, wary of the creaking floor as she did so, she couldn't help but be jealous of those extremophiles in the Dry Valleys. At least they got to live somewhere nice.

Sarah trunk slipped from her fingers and thudded against the floor. The space between her temples throbbed. Heavy boots on the stairs echoed up through the hallway. Sarah's father, a middle aged man with wisps of thinning hair, circular glasses, and a forced smile pulled his way up the last step.

Strong Points –
This intro has some fabulously evocative description in it. That first paragraph in particular has an off-kilter beat that really makes it stand out. This strong imagery continues through the rest of the piece and doesn't just focus on the external senses, but ties in the emotions at work here. I can really get a sense not only for what this place looks like—kind of a dump—but also what Sarah thinks about it—that she's not too keen on it. My favorite line is:

A dark, gray water stain clung to the ceiling and bowed it inward, threatening to soak a     sofa that looked like it had already been through enough.

There's a lot going on under the surface there, and it's a great sentence. It really helps to build the atmosphere and set up what I presume will be the tone of this first scene—that Sarah's life is perhaps not quite going the way she wants it to, between the crummy new apartment, the rising headache, and the father with a forced smile.


Some Tips –
I hate to say this because I genuinely do like the description in the first paragraph, but I don't know that it transitions smoothly enough from the quirky-sounding narration to the actual story. It's a big chunk of writing for the reader before they get to the characters and plot they're going to be living with for the rest of the book, and the break between the first and second paragraphs is pretty abrupt.

There's several possible ways to address this, which could be mix-and-matched to what seems appropriate. The first I thought of, and probably most obvious way, would be to cut the paragraph entirely, or at least trim it down. This would get the reader right into the story, without the seemingly disconnected initial paragraph of information.

Another idea is to add a transition between the two paragraphs, some sort of “bridge” that gives the reader a heads' up that this information will be relevant later. For example, Sarah's comparison of herself to extremophiles could be moved earlier in the second paragraph to make the link more immediately clear.

Alternately, there could be more of Sarah in the first paragraph. With only these three paragraphs to go on, I'm not sure if the Dry Valleys analogy continues throughout the rest of the scene, but if it is tied strongly to Sarah, this connection could be made clear from the very beginning by including her in that first paragraph. One thought I had is that instead of simply listing the facts, they could be presented as things Sarah read in a book or heard from someone else.

Any of these three options (and others I haven't thought of!) could improve the flow of the intro, making it more natural and easy for a reader to follow. And—just a personal thing—if it did stay in, I'd love to see this analogy continued throughout the rest of the scene. It's an effective analogy, but it's also a lot of setup to only be used once in the second paragraph.

Aside from that, while the descriptive phrases remained solid, the sentences at the end of the first and third paragraphs started to get a little perfunctory, which incidentally is a very fun word to say. They're straightforward and express all the information they need to, but that's it. Varying their structure and tying them together more could draw the reader along more smoothly. For example, in the third paragraph, is Sarah's dropping of the trunk related to her headache, or are they both symptoms of how she's feeling overall? A quick example of one way to do this:

The space between her temples throbbed unexpectedly, and Sarah's fingers loosened, her     trunk slipping from them with a crash.

I feel that working this kind of information into those sentences would be a good way to not only keep the reader engaged, but also to inject the sentences with a little more of that great atmosphere-building description from the earlier sentences.


Would I Keep Reading?
It's hard to say, really. It's not that I don't like the writing (I do) or that I think there's something fundamentally flawed about the intro or story (I don't), it's simply that there isn't a whole lot of the actual story and characters here, with so much of the piece taken up with the first paragraph. When focusing on these three, there's just not that extra push I need to go from “idly interested” to “must read now”—but I get the impression that if I just had one paragraph more, I'd be hooked. If the story started a little sooner or if the first paragraph flowed more smoothly into the second, that might just be enough for me.

First 250 Words Smash! #53

Most Wonderful Author: Hafza @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Rebecca
Working Title: "Those Who Walk the Darkness"

“Shh, yes, that’s it.” His mother’s voice guided his hand. There was a shift and he slipped. “Oh, be careful, it’s hard to get good ones like these now. They’ve started watching now.”

“But they can’t always be watching, right, Mummy?” His voice was small and childish in the flickering lamplight. There was a low laugh from beyond the edge of the light.

“That’s right, my son. They can’t always be on guard. The darkness cannot be banished for long, and they can’t escape the shadows forever.” He finished his last stroke and reached for the cloth to wipe. “You’re not finished yet.” His mother’s voice was sharp. He sighed as only a small child can, dramatic and exhaustive. “Moth-er!”

“You know that we are not done. Come, I shall show you once more. But from then on you must do it properly yourself.”

She bent to the table and made two caressing movements with the knife. “Can I try it again, Mother?” She looked down at the little boy and smiled. “Not now, my child. Now, we must leave. The Coven is calling, and we have tarried here too long."

“Come here now.” She gathered him in her cloak and disappeared in a swirl of shadows, leaving behind a lone figure on the table. As the lamp flickered out, the last fingers of light illuminated a girl’s face, mutilated and bloody, with two long cuts extending from the corners of her lips, stretched in one last gruesome grin.

Strong Points –
Wow, what a hook! I think this is a great place to start the story, sparking a lot of questions that the reader must keep reading to find out. Why is the Coven calling? Who was the girl, and what was their purpose in carving up her body? How many more bodies have they and will they get away with mutilating?

But at the same time, I really love the contrast of that gruesome ending with the sweet interactions between a mother and child. There were a lot of great moments where the mother-child bond was shown really well:

His mother’s voice guided his hand.

As well as her “caressing” movements with the knife! Add into that the mystery of his mother always just outside of the lamplight, and her mysterious shadow-swirling powers, and we have a really intriguing set-up for a story!


Some Tips –
Making the reader ask some questions is a great tactic to keep them reading, but if the reader asks too many questions, they’ll start to lose their immersion in the story’s world. A lot of what this scene so far is missing is setting—where and when the mother and boy are located. Are they carving up the girl in their personal basement dungeon, or is this out in the woods under a full moon? Is it maybe even in the girl’s own house, where someone could walk in at any moment? Don’t feel pressured to come right out and tell us “This body is located in the basement of 221B Baker St,” but leaving little hints to allow the reader to draw their own conclusions will do the work for you.

For instance, I think we already have some idea of the time period from the mention of the flickering lamp. I assume this takes place sometime before electricity, when lanterns were common. So let’s look at the other furniture we have: the table. Is it a dining room table? An operating room table? Just an ordinary, nondescript oaken table, but with old stains and cuts carved into the wood? Think about what that table could add to the story with the perfect choice of detail, and perhaps there are other props in the immediate surrounding that can help set this scene as well.

A large portion of the lack of detail also stems from the scene’s tone and its balance of Shock and Suspense, the two building blocks of the horror genre. This scene was written with the intent to shock and scare with the big reveal at the end, which is a tried and true storytelling technique! But in order to convey that big shock, I think a lot of the details were withheld from the reader so it would be a greater surprise, resulting in a lot of ambiguous actions occurring in empty space.

This scene could benefit from more concrete details, but those details don’t necessarily have to ruin the surprise at the end. Instead, choosing to reveal the right details should instead ramp up the suspense and make the reader dread the final reveal even more.

For instance, what is the strongest surprise at the end of this scene? I would think that creepy grin and the girl’s dead body. Currently the scene neatly avoids it, and I can almost picture it like a movie camera, zooming in so we can’t tell what’s really going on! However, does the knife need to be hidden in the same way as the body? Let’s look at the first lines of action.

His mother’s voice guided his hand. There was a shift and he slipped.

As I mentioned before, I love that first sentence. The construction is simple, but effective. Subject (voice) followed immediately by verb (guided) and direct object (hand). The first part of the next sentence though is written in the passive voice, “There was.” Those two words in combination tell the readers nothing, yet take up the most important roles in the sentence: subject and verb. The only reason they’re used is to avoid mentioning the knife to the reader. In fact, the final paragraph has such wonderful active and strong verb choices, I think all of the passive voice is a side effect of hiding information to make the twist that much more shocking.

So let’s imagine the same sentence, but this time, show the reader the knife in the little boy’s hands. That sentence can instead read as “The knife shifted.” Or perhaps we’ll get more specific with how exactly its slicing, with “The knife stuck” or “The knife twisted”; or maybe even it’s the boy’s hands that are unsteady, and we can change it to:

The boy’s hands shifted and the knife slipped (in his grasp/and sunk in too far/etc.).

See how much clearer of an image we get from those sentences without even knowing what the knife is cutting? And you can bet the first question on the reader’s mind is “What the heck is that little boy doing with that knife?” But at the same time the right verb choice will make the reader who goes back to reread the scene cringe even more, which is exactly what we want them to do.

Doing a quick read-through of the rest of these sentences and keeping an eye out for more passive voice and weak verbs will help solidify a lot of this scene’s details. For more examples on correcting passive voice, check out Word Smash #42.

Finally, I want to touch on dialogue a bit. On my first read-through, I’m not sure how much information I got out of the dialogue, because I rushed through a lot of it to get to the action and figure out what the mother and son were doing. A lot of that will be corrected with the ambiguity and passive voice fixes I mentioned above, but then I will probably read through just as fast out of pure suspense. I don’t think that’s a bad thing for readers to do, but the writing should take that into account.

A lot of people advise eavesdropping and writing down conversations as people actually talk as an exercise to improve dialogue. While I think that is certainly an important step to get used to flow of conversations, I think it’s also important to remember that dialogue in fiction should cut a lot of the wasted words, like um's and Well's and all that filler we squeeze in while we think of what to say next. Contractions also help move the reader's eye along, unless a character is overly formal. While there's something to be said about Character Voice, dialogue can still be kept simple, so think really hard about every word, to make sure it is working towards either conveying information and moving plot, or revealing the character of the person speaking.

Try making a list of all the important info that the reader should get from the dialogue. For this scene, I would have things like mother teaching son, someone is onto their plans and "started watching", and “The coven is calling." Then I would try and cut the filler that gets in the way of the reader remembering that information. For instance, notice how you could take all of these bolded words out without changing the meaning of the dialogue:

“Shh, yes, that’s it.” [ ... ] “Oh, be careful, it’s hard to get good ones like these now. They’ve started watching now.”

Personally, I’m especially harsh on interjections like “Oh” because I recognize that’s a problem in my own dialogue. Seriously. I’ll look at five lines in a row that all start "Well, Well, Well!" So sometimes I make arbitrary rules for myself, like only one "well" per scene. I probably wouldn't cut all the bolded words in that sentence, but I would take a moment and think, is this word working to reveal my character's voice and tone? For instance, that first Shh—perfect for showing the mother's caring tone and also perhaps the secrecy of the scene. I would vote keep!

On the other hand, I did notice a lot of “Now” recurring in this scene--five, in just six short paragraphs! I would recommend cutting the ones that aren't necessary for sentence meaning to avoid word overdose. Same for names and ways of addressing other characters. We already know from the action that these two are mother and son, so we don't need to hear that except when it's necessary (Like that whiny "Mooo-theeeerrr!").

And on a side note, it's usually good style to have a new paragraph begin when a new character speaks up. That way when readers are reading super fast because the scene is so intense, their eyes can use the empty space to keep track of who is speaking! In Paragraphs 3 and 5, I would make the lines of dialogue into new paragraphs, just so the reader has an easier time keeping track of who is speaking. And between paragraphs 5 and 6, I wouldn't put a break there unless there's a line of action or description in between.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I'm curious where you could go with these fixes. I already see a lot of those things working so well in that last paragraph, so I'm hopeful I won't be able to put the next version down!

First 250 Words Smash! #47

Most Wonderful Author: Darcy Addams @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Rebecca
Working Title: Purple Violets

The money's all they need, the guys on the door know them. Arthur had picked the place out a few years ago, solely for the fact they gave you a wrist band instead of 'one of those horrible tramp stamps'. The muffled base of the music flared out as they entered the building, the noise instantly clamped down on their ears. Bodies milled, sliding past each other, detailed silhouettes in the dim lighting. Coloured lights threw tints over the walls, faces flashed green for a split second, black lace glowed crimson.

“Do you think Mike's got the base amped up more than usual?” Arthur whispered half jokingly as they pushed their way passed a group of girls, cyber dreads laced into their hair. He called it a whisper, but really it was a stage whisper shouted over the music thudding into their bones. Pierre shrugged, personally he liked the way the base reverberated through the floorboards, filling the room. Like a defibrillator, it jolted his heart in to wake-up mode.

“You're going to boil in that,” Arthur tugged at the cuff of his friends velvet jacket.

“We'll see, it'll be worth it on the walk home.”

Arthur himself was braving the cold in a dress shirt and black waistcoat with straps buckled across the chest.

“You'll just have to be the epitome of chivalry and lend it to me when we get outside.” He patted the taller male on the shoulder, smiling in mock sweetness.

Strong Points –
This intro creates a really strong sense of setting from a variety of different senses. I almost feel as overwhelmed as the characters by the lights and sounds. Some lines that I really liked include:

Coloured lights threw tints over the walls, faces flashed green for a split second, black lace glowed crimson.

Like a defibrillator, it jolted his heart in to wake-up mode.

There are some really strong verb choices that keep the description active and in the moment so we don't feel overburdened right at the beginning. My favorite might be the "sliding" bodies, which gives us a bonus to really feeling the sweaty crowd and the fluidity of their dancing all in one go!

You also have some great, specific choices for nouns, like cyber dreads (which after a quick google search I did find out are a real thing and not just fiberoptic connections you can braid in your hair that light up and connect to your favorite social networking medium, but I think the term still resonates with futuristic imagery!) and velvet jackets. This isn't just any old club, but it's also never straight out said that this is a goth club--a great example of showing vs. telling!


Some Tips –
There are a few grammar issues throughout, so it might benefit from another look-over (watch the mix-up of "base" bottom with "bass" wubwubwub. A big issue that kept cropping up is the dreaded comma splice.

Comma splices often lead to run-on sentences which can create a lot of problems in the flow of a story. It might help to take a step back and make sure some of these commas aren't used to link two separate sentences by accident. If both phrases around a comma can stand by themselves, they can either be broken up with a period, or connected with some sort of conjunction (and, but, although, when, etc.). For instance, let's look at the first sentence:

The money's all they need, the guys on the door know them.

For this sentence, it seems like there could be a connecting link between those two ideas:

The money's all they need, because the guys on the door know them. (So they don't need to show their ids.)
The money's all they need, but the guys on the door know them. (So they let them in for free.)
The money's all they need, and the guys on the door know them. (What more reasons do you need to go?)
The money's all they need when the guys on the door know them. (But not when it's that other guy who's always forgetting their faces, God, I hate that guy, rude.)

At other times though, don't be afraid to break up longer sentences and change up the rhythm for that extra special emphasis punch!

For instance, the comma splices also happen in my favorite line about the "coloured lights" and "black lace." It could be argued that the comma splices are left here intentionally to  give the reader that same pulsing feeling as the strobe lights, but because the comma splice is a recurring problem, my faith is shattered just enough that I see a grammar mistake rather than a stylistic choice. However, this sentence could also be broken up. Compare these two options:

"Coloured lights threw tints over the walls. Faces flashed green for a split second, and/then black lace glowed crimson."

"Coloured lights threw tints over the walls, and faces flashed green for a split second. Black lace glowed crimson."

To me the first sentence seems to be zooming in from a larger picture (perhaps could benefit from replacing "Walls" with "The crowd" or "The dance floor" so it stays connected to the people, like our other nouns, faces and lace?) to two close-ups. Using "then" rather than "and" also makes it very sequential—first one flash of color, then the next.

The second option feels like the last sentence is adding more force to the same point made by the first two, but with just a little more intimacy. Especially with the emphasis on that black lace, now at the beginning of its own sentence. Rrrow.

And those aren't the only two options available! Read it aloud. See what flows—and what doesn't! It doesn't matter ultimately which way you choose (even if it breaks grammar rules, although I recommend doing so on a limited basis) so long as it is a CHOICE. There are other great discussions of flow in critiques 44 and 41.

While this scene is told in 3rd person perspective, I can see some character voice coming through in the narration, which is great! However, there were a few instances when it didn't seem so seamlessly integrated, and it confused me instead.

First, the "tramp stamps" line threw me off since I think of tramp stamps occurring on only one body part—and it's not the back of a wrist. For a second I took it literally and thought this was a gang requiring secret tattoos before you could join! Common sense eventually intervened, but I think part of what was tripping me up is that this detail is sprung before we even get a real sense of the characters or setting yet, and it leaves a lot up to inference. First they are an ambiguous "they," then we are hardly introduced to Arthur before we are hearing him quoted about his preferred method of club entry. I think it would help to be a little more obvious and tack on an "as Arthur called them" or some other phrasing to make it extra clear. Then the reader should be safely correct in their assumptions.

Meanwhile in paragraph 2, I got stuck on the pronoun confusion over who is calling Arthur's speech a whisper. Is this Arthur himself reading his dialogue tags out loud? Or Pierre (who I assume to be our limited-pov character) calling it a stage whisper in his own narration?

I really like the image of someone trying to speak over the din of loud music and their yells coming across as a whisper to the person right next to them. But to me, it seemed like there was too much emphasis on terminology, and then in the middle of it all, there's that blurb of description about the cyber dread girls. It creates this disjointed gap in the narration that breaks up the flow.

But why worry about the dialogue tag and who's calling it what? Skip all that and get straight to the description of Arthur's voice. I think it would be easier to just tell us exactly how loud it is in comparison to the noise in the room, and then have the description move on to the cyber dreads. When in doubt, simplify! And that should help the flow of that entire line, so the reader doesn't have time to drift away from that description only to be whipped back for more. (For extra help on dialogue tags, they have been covered very well in past Word Smashs 37 and 42!)

And when writing descriptions, in addition to getting pretty words down on the page, it's important to make sure those words all make sense together. Let's take a look at this line:

The muffled base of the music flared out as they entered the building, the noise instantly clamped down on their ears.

The flaring of the music is great about capturing that feeling of opening up when entering a new, big space. But then immediately, that idea is contradicted by the noise "clamping down," which gives a sense of something closing violently. Rather than expanding on the idea of the noise in an open space, the rest of the description leaves the reader feeling more confused than anything. But that's okay! There's some great experimentation going on here. Maybe a few different word choices will make that second sentence jive better with the first, or maybe it will be axed to let the first part shine on its own. Just like with the flow I mentioned above, some conscious decision-making that tweaks what works in the piece and cuts what doesn't work will make the whole read cohesive, clean, and beautiful!

The rest flows well from there. Too well, even. The only thing this intro is missing is a taste of the conflict these characters will face in the story. I don't have any sense from this intro yet of what that could be, other than the fact these characters have temperature regulation differences. While I highly doubt the story is going to climax over an epic battle at the thermostat, I have no idea whether this will be a supernatural thriller about two vampires who target their victims in dance clubs or whether this is a romantic comedy about dating misadventures in the goth club scene.

The story could benefit from starting closer to the first major conflict or tension. It could have something to do with the reason Pierre and Arthur are at the club in the first place. Are they hoping to accomplish some goal at the club, or see someone in particular? What makes this club night different from the typical ones they experience? Is a fire going to break out any second? Is a rival going to punch Arthur in the face? Experiment with fast-forwarding to that moment when everything begins. Even a slight change in tone with certain words or key pieces of dialogue could fuel the reader's suspense and desire to keep reading.

Because while I think this scene is set up well in terms of balancing between dialogue and description and all those juicy active verbs, what I really want is this same skill of setup around the first conflict that turns this ordinary night into a story I can't put down.


Would I Keep Reading?
Alas, no for now. Although there's a lot that I like in this scene and descriptions, I want a little more that will tell me what plot-relevant incident is going to happen at this club to change your character's lives forever! But I think you will get there. Feel free to resubmit, because when you get this right, I think I'll be hooked! <3

First 250 Words Smash! #44

Most Wonderful Author: A. E. Conway @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year. Breath in her throat, she became a statue. The caves stayed silent. Raising her lamp, mouth pursed, she scanned the map. Three miles in, and she wasn’t quite lost, but looking at it frequently seemed like a good idea. She had a job, and bills to pay, and getting lost wouldn’t help.

“Alaia!” Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here. She tucked herself in to a crevice, and struggled to control her breathing. “Alaia! C’mere!”

Up ahead, a light appeared, the cave’s walls thrown in sharp relief. The sparkling yellows, blues, and pink seemed to mock the chills running down Alaia’s spine, winking gently at her. She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice. Nothing friendly could be up ahead.

“Alaia? Oh Alaia, won’t you come play?” Hands shaking, she fumbled briefly with the lantern. The sweet, high voice was something out of the fae tales her Mama had told her as child to scare her into being good. Those stories were called ‘fae tales’ for a reason. They weren’t true.
So what’s that then, mocked the only part of her that still had a backbone. ‘That’ was the thing that was lighting up the cave.

Strong Points –
Structurally speaking, there’re a lot of good things happening here. I can see a solid eye for balancing sentences for a smooth flow and good pacing. From here, it’s just a matter of tweaking and refining, building on what’s already there.

I’m also a fan of the tension, and I love that we get a sense of her fear without ever needing to have it said outright. Her hands shake, she fumbles, and in the beginning, she hesitates. I'm also a fan of the way some of the setting details, which are often dumped in the form of exposition, are relayed awesomely in tandem with the rising action. It’s not relayed in the form of, ‘This is being explained because it has to be explained eventually.’ It’s a lot more like, ‘This is being explained because it’s pertinent to the plot.’ This is my own Achilles heel, so good job on that!


Some Tips –
There’re some really great things happening here – now, let’s bring it up to the next level. And just to be clear, a lot of what I’ll say is purely subjective. This means we’re talking more about style and voice rather than technical issues, and a critique on style will always be based off of personal experience and opinions!

Okay, so, let’s begin. I can tell that there’s still a lot of experimenting going on in regards to sentence flow, so the talent is still raw and needs a bit more practice. As an example, the first three sentences put me off in my first read-through:

The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year.

While I loved the pacing of the first two sentences--with the choppiness that instantly generated tension--the short third sentence had me wondering if it was just a fluke. The flow did improve after that, but there were still some hiccups later on, especially with the second paragraph. A number of sentences followed a nearly identical formula, communicating a single idea and then ending. For me, this was extremely jarring, and as far as pacing goes, lost its effect quickly.

Let’s take an example:

Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.

There’s a lot of potential in this bit in regards to flow, and there’s a huge difference between the above and a simple change:

Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled, and Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.

This is only an example, but just combining two of the right sentences really drives the impact of that final sentence, “No one could be here.” The combined sentences really set up a frame for those final words, giving an extra sting to that moment of drama. Plus, the whole passage flows much better from that simple change.

The next suggestion I’d make is unpacking. As far as detail goes, this is a good foundation, but it’s time to sharpen those creative instincts and take the description and verbs to the next level. I was trying to find the best exercise for this, but really, anything about description is going to help, especially any of the exercises under the KSW Summer Camp and Description vs. Pacing categories. Check out the examples at the bottom of each individual exercise, too. Look for words that strengthen the imagery/sensory details.

What I was looking for in this intro was for the cave to really come alive. I have such a vague image of what the cave is supposed to look like that, when the light appeared, I really didn’t know what to picture. I want to feel what Alaia feels, and I want to feel it the way she feels and sees and smells it while she’s scared and confused. I want to be scared along with her. Creating atmosphere will do awesome things for this cave in that regard.

And, it can also help with the action. An example of a line I know can be improved is this:

Breath in her throat, she became a statue.

The words “in” and “became” are weak, neutral, and do little to create a more interesting feel of what she’s going through. Think of how to rearrange lines like this, to elevate the words and make something more interesting. There’s a difference between, “I took a breath,” and, “My lungs expanded with a slow, quivering breath.”

For now, those’re the two big things that I’d recommend. The rest are simply technical, such as beginning a new paragraph after dialogue that isn’t Alaia’s. Both times that the dialogue started the paragraph, I was confused, thinking she was the one speaking, and had to double back to make sure I hadn't misread.

Also, I’d recommend checking out “comma splices”. The one that really got me was this sentence:

She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice.

Do a bit of research on comma splices and this should be an easy fix.

And, finally, I’m not sure what Alaia’s age should be. In the beginning, she’s referred to as “the girl”, but at the end of the paragraph, we’re told she has a job and bills. Throughout the intro, however, I felt like her voice in the narrative sounded more like she’s “a girl”, much younger than anyone who’d be paying bills.

Anyway, I’m going to leave it at that. Mostly, start experimenting with prose. The technical skills are coming together, so now play around with finding your own personal style and voice!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I’d really like to see this intro again after some experimenting with both style and voice. I think that’ll do a lot of good things!

Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #39

Most Wonderful Author: Cactuar
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

They always sat, him and Halil, perched atop the towering walls in the evenings, sharing what food they could scrape together and looking out towards their doom, the black silhouettes which swarmed over the hills surrounding their city, once home to some of the best vineyards in the whole of the world-- now a scarred and barren expanse marked by the charred remains of an arbor here or there, sticking out of the ashes like the blackened bones of some long-dead beast.

He didn't know why they did it. It wasn't as if seeing them out there helped anything. There was no help for any of it. Nothing to do but sit and talk and eat what they could find, and watch Halil's eyes grow colder and darker and harder with every day that passed.

By now, the stores had gotten so low and nerves frayed so raw by the fear of what was coming that violence was breaking out among the citizens. The day before, the guards had violently repelled a group of panicked townsfolk trying to throw open the gates. Surrender, and hope for mercy…though, they had to know that it was far too late for that. Surrender, then, and at least get it all over with a little faster.

As it turned out, they didn’t have much longer to wait. Five days later the gate fell, and Halil turned to Kadri and suggested that they jump.

"Jump?" he'd squeaked in reply, leaning out over the edge [...]

Strong Points –
What I liked about this was the subtlety in the writing. It’s definitely far from purple prose, but in that aspect, I like it. The simplicity makes description like “sticking out of the ashes like the blackened bones of some long-dead beast” stand out like a frame around a portrait, so I like it. (And I absolutely love that metaphor, like wow, so perfect for the atmosphere and mood.)

The first paragraph is definitely my favorite, because not only does it build up the surroundings, but it builds up the setting. It effortlessly begs the question “what happened here?” without ever prompting the words. That’s definitely a skill that takes practice to evolve.


Some Tips –
While I love the first paragraph, the following paragraphs fell into the trap of exposition and info-dumping, all “telling”. The first paragraph does a good job of setting up the scene, but then we lose it when we enter all the background telling.

While this information might be critical for the reader to know, it delays the start of the actual story, the reason why readers picked up the book, and there are other ways to unpack it other than taking up so much of the crucial opening paragraphs. A good way to unload all this necessary background information is to unload ideas with and between dialogue. Check out the example I have in that old post, and also the super old post linked above. These’ll help create some strategies on how to tackle adding backstory in as it becomes necessary.

Of course, there are times where telling is absolutely necessary and okay. (There’s a post somewhere about this that I saw recently, but for the life of me, I can’t find it.) A good balance of showing versus telling and telling versus showing keeps the dynamic of the world and character intentions clear and distinct and focused. The art of showing alone simply can’t reveal all that necessary information, but in the beginning, setting up the story is critical. Finding this balance will take practice (I can definitely attest to that, because it’s one that I’m still far from mastering).

Secondly, be aware of word choice. “Doom” for me is a word that says very little in the context of a narrative because it’s something that’s relative. The definition of it changes from person to person. Also, there’s the connotation of the word that hits the scale of “epic” for me, a word so overused because of its dramatic flair that I can’t see it used in fiction anymore – not in a serious manner, anyway. In modern dialogue, sure. Or even in the narrative from the POV of a modern voice.

Other than that, I’d say be conscious of grammar such as “he and Halil” versus “him and Halil”. Another bit is that the first paragraph is all one sentence. That’s 82 words in one sentence with five commas and one dash. That sentence can definitely be broken up, and it might improve how the opening flows.

Also, as a final note, check out 250 Words Smash #37 for some tidbits on dialogue tags.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. Half the intro was exposition, so I didn’t have much of a chance to get into the story. I’d like to see a revision, though, and then I’d get a better sample of the writing, too. Since the exposition was mostly summary, it’s difficult to get a better feel for prose. I’m sure I’d have more feedback then!

Good luck!

♥♡❥

First 250 Words Smash! #32

Most Wonderful Author: Kristal
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust

Somewhere between the sour lemon tang of afternoon kisses and the dusky ochre tinge of morning sex lies a world of pain we have yet to explore.

It takes time, she once said. It all takes time. It took time for her to open her eyes in the first place, because she wanted silence more than she wanted me. Silence is so much louder when sight is shut out.

You aren’t her. This I know with an age-old conviction that reverberates through my spirit-bound bones. You aren’t her and you’ll never be. But I stay with you (and you with me), for, without each other, we are no one.

I was no one when she left. I think she stole my soul, all quiet-like, when she slipped away in the tangelo dawning hour. She trailed the barest essence of me in her wake. What she left behind—what you see and taste and feel and hear—is a burnt out shell of something. Something you love for the sake of love. Something that cannot love you back.

But ink is dear, and I am rambling. Come, let me tell you what she would have wanted you to know.

Strong Points –
Oh man, the writing is absolutely gorgeous. I mean, I was hooked with the first part of the first sentence, “Somewhere between the sour lemon tang of afternoon kisses”, and I was like, the array of feelings that such a combination of words communicates just got me. And also, I absolutely loved this whole thing:

What she left behind—what you see and taste and feel and hear—is a burnt out shell of something. Something you love for the sake of love. Something that cannot love you back.

This communicates SO much by withholding specificity, by casting shadows, and it really stuck with me.

There’s such command of the mood as well. I can feel it in every sentence, even the smallest sentences, like “You aren’t her.” I love it, and I love the lyrical cadence and the organic flow of the sentences. And voice? Yep. The character voice develops subtly, under the surface, in such phrases as “quiet-like”. You really utilize ambiguity in a captivating way and I love it.


Some Tips –
Minor tweaks are all I see, craft- and style-wise. You have a poignant style that translates right away, and this is really tough to do in the first few paragraphs unless you really know and have a handle on your style already. So, in that regard, I definitely can’t critique it. The only thing I can really help you with is tell you how I see the story you’re weaving – or, my translation of it, in a sense.

Lyrical writing, while beautiful, demands that the reader read slowly to take everything in. Consequently, the pacing of your story is that much slower. If this is what you’re aiming for, then good. Go for it. Just keep in mind that prose that casts shadows like this will cause your readers to take more time to digest the narrative. I, for example, read some lines twice because I liked them that much, or I read twice to make sure I got every detail as clearly as I could.

Secondly, the way the writer addresses “you”, along with such lines as “lies a world of pain we have yet to explore” and “Come, let me tell you what she would have wanted you to know” are part of the “reminiscing” opening type trope, or the “addressing the reader” opening type trope, or “rambles” as the writer calls it, that often straddle the cliché.

If the “addressing the reader” theme, or the general second person POV, continues on throughout the narrative, then this might be okay. If it’s a one-time thing, I’ve often seen openings like this get cut because they’re sort of like unnecessary introductory bits that stall the reader from getting to the actual story. In a sense, it’s sort of like cushioning for “dramatic” or “mysterious” inflating, like talking up the reader to get them interested instead of simply giving them the story. “I’m going to tell you about the story before we actually get into the story.” If used incorrectly, this tool can actually take away from the story. So, be aware of that. I definitely can’t speak for yours since I only have the first 200 words, but it’s absolutely up to you in the end.

Also, since you sent in your title, I’m definitely going to advise against using a cliché. (I’ve seen clichés used well before, sure, but usually it’s in an ironic sense.) Of course, this is subjective, and people often argue that a cliché is a cliché because it works – however, a cliché is also a cliché because it’s been used too much and has lost its edge. Clichés are best when freshened up or used in an unexpected way.


Would I Keep Reading?
Most likely. I love the writing to pieces, but, personally, the “telling vs. showing” aspect of the intro and the title leaves me a bit wary. I’d want to give it a chance, at least, and see if the “telling” aspect is pervasive. Otherwise, for me, this is definitely the type of writing that I’d mark to remember.

Good luck! ♥

Writing Exercise: A World in Words

A World in Words

Exercise –
Pick 1-2 characters and drop them in a completely unfamiliar place (perhaps in the world of another story). They don’t know the land, the people, or the rules of the world. Write at least 500 words of the character(s) interacting in this world for the first time.

Goal –
When a reader opens a new book, they don’t know the world like the author does, even if the story takes place in modern times. The reader trusts the author to gradually and naturally show the setting – the time and place – of the story.

The setting isn’t simply a portrait of a place, but a survey of senses, costume, food, climate, languages, technology, architecture, society, government, and everything that brings a world to life.

The key is to show the world only as the characters discover it, as the reader should be able to discover the setting as the characters do. Refrain from telling or explaining. Utilize the senses to reveal unfamiliar materials. If the characters have never known silk before, don’t reference its name. Describe it, how it feels and smells and what the sensation reminds the characters of. The same applies to computers, or food, or even magic.

Tips –

• If you’re having trouble, step into a place you’ve never been in, or a room you rarely frequent, or simply go outside. What do you see first? What smells fight to be recognized? What does the air feel like on your skin? What about any sounds? Even in perfect silence, there’s always something to hear, whether it’s the buzz of a light bulb, the sound of your own breathing, or even the strange ringing in the ears that perfect silence often creates.
• Dialogue is a great tool of active interaction to communicate information, however –
• Avoid reader feeder: don’t have one character iterate information to the other for the sake of the reader. “You know how we just came from our super boring fifth period history of Europe class?” “Oh, the class where our teacher uses paperclips like army knives?” That’s reader feeder. Both characters already know this information and have no need to repeat it to each other.
• Think of clincher details, the heartstrings of a world that give dimension to your setting. Old newspapers, rotted wood, cat hair on furniture, wallpaper that your grandmother would be proud of, hairpins all over the stained carpet.
• Choose only the best details. Don’t drown the reader in description – ground the reader. Don’t control the reader’s imagination, but inspire it. Hold back on revealing all the world’s secrets at once, introduce a spoonful at a time. While writing, jot down everything that comes to mind if you have to, then revise and leave behind only the strongest lines. Use a little to convey a lot.
• If you’re having trouble picking lines or deciding what details are necessary, ask yourself “How important is this detail to the world I’m trying to create? How can I make this detail sharper? Clearer? More original and poignant?”
• Don’t rely on physical description alone. How does the setting make the character feel? How do they physically interact with what’s around them? What does it do to their body chemistry? Revealing these details also brings out your character, how they see this world in comparison to their own, and illuminating how they react in such situations and what they do with what’s given to them.
• Make sure you do your research. For any setting to be portrayed accurately and realistically (even in the case of fantasy), realistic worlds depend greatly on effective research.
• Make a checklist of the points you want to communicate in your exercise. Set a realistic amount of goals for your word count, or check off the points you hit and think about why the other points weren’t hit.

(cross-posted from KSW on Tumblr)

First 250 Words Smash! #12

Courageous Author: Talya
Horrible Editor: Victoria
Working Title: Sightseeker

There was a dead man behind the funeral director. Jackson knew it was crazy; to claim a dead man was behind anything but a coffin didn't even make sense. But, as much as he tried to reason, the more he found there was no other explanation.

He barely breathed, the dead man, something that could explain the pasty blue tinge under his skin. His hands should have been pink, but were blue, just like his face above a line of red that circled his neck like a noose.  He barely moved too—inhumanly so.

Jackson couldn't help but to think hawk or, worse, vulture as dead loomed over living. Boy, did that spirit loom.

“Miss Walsh, if you need time to decide on a coffin, we most certainly can hold this portion off a bit,” the director said.

Maybe fat blocked feeling. The director seemed coiled in his fatness; rolls on rolls of fat bubbled over his collar, manifesting a chinless neck that could fold into three sections. Mighty rude, but who was Jackson to know how sensing the dead worked?

But if fat controlled astral detection, then that meant his aunt should have been screaming by now. Granted, she was close, but the reason was for what she knew, not for what she saw.

“Thank you kindly for the concern,” she said. Her voice cracked. “But we can’t keep holding off on things. The funeral will never get done.”

Strong Points—

So between your older version and this one, this is much, much better. I’m pleased with the improvement you made, and this is a whole different story to me now! Your opening line is still a great hook, and from there it only gets better.

The description of the ghost is still wonderful, very haunting, especially when compared to a vulture that looms behind the director. You’ve painted a particularly vivid image of this thing and it is far from being human like it used to be. This thing gives me the creeps in the best possible way.

Jackson also has a particularly interesting voice, and he lightens the situation up with his internal commentary. His vision of the obese funeral director certainly spells him out as a bit of a douche, but almost an endearing one. His character is apparent right from the get go. ‘Mighty rude’ actually got a lol out of me.


Some Tips—

You have a few parts in here where you can eliminate mentioning Jackson. When you have sentences that say things such as ‘Jackson couldn’t help but to think’ or ‘Jackson knew’. Since this is, for all that we know, from Jackson’s POV, we already know it’s Jackson who is experiencing these thoughts and sights. When you eliminate that, you put us one step closer to the action and the sensation instead of removing us from it.

Also, there are some adjectives that you don’t need in here. They only bog down your narrative. Things like ‘He barely moved’. This is unnecessary and clunky, and it doesn’t paint as vivid of a picture as you could with other, more definite words.

Really, you’ve improved so much that you took all of the advice I never got to give you. Everything I would have wrote for your first submission was eliminated with this one, so go you! My last bit of advice is yours to take or leave, as it’s up to you and Jackson, but I find he is very calm for someone seeing a ghost. Perhaps he’s seen more ghosts that we have yet to hear of, maybe he’s had other experiences that have conditioned him. I don’t know. But he is looking at a ghost and almost joking about it, which isn’t quite normal.


Would I keep reading?

My answer to the first one was yes, but this is a much more enthusiastic YES! I love your character, and I love how you’ve described the ghost. I very much look forward to more, and I thank you so much for resubmitting this newest version!

Reading Critically For Writers

An inherent part of writing well is reading well. It’s not enough to simply take good books and read them and love them to pieces – we do lots of this already. Honing our skills as writers depends on how much we write and how well we read.

Writers grow by switching on the critical eye and analyzing why particular books worked. Book reviewers often summarize the important elements of the story and judge whether or not the story worked for them overall. Literary analysis is more dissecting the text looking for themes and meaning and reflections of the author’s troubled love life.

Writers, however, can benefit from looking into the seemingly simplest elements, the tiny threads that weave together and form the entire tapestry. We first learn to speak by listening to others and imitating vocal patterns. We learn to write by imitating what we read, and we learn to write better by reading more effectively.

Here are some things to look for as you read:

• What scenes of the story read faster than others? What parts make you turn the page without thinking and what parts give you the opportunity to stifle a yawn? Look for sources of tension or conflict, especially if either is steadily rising. Look for points in the story where characters move the plot, or the plot moves the characters.
• Sentence flow carries a narrative. Follow how the author played with sentence length in both slower and faster scenes. Study their techniques in speeding up or easing back on the speed of the narrative. When were longer sentences used? How about shorter? What effect did it generate?
• Look at the dialogue on its own, without any surrounding action or tags. Just the dialogue. Can the characters be told apart by certain nuances with speaking patterns, idiosyncrasies, or colloquialisms?
• How are the surroundings described? What sorts of things does the environment reveal without ever directly telling the reader? Clothes, food, building materials, and even character? How does this indirectly reveal the setting? The time and place?
• With a particular scene that carries a very thick, defining atmosphere or mood, look for colors and sensations. Look for word choices that carry a subliminal effect, the way the narrator or characters regard their surroundings. Even easily overlooked signs such as body language can make an impact.
• Study how the five senses are utilized, as well as how creatively the author approached using the senses. If the author used any clichés, then in what way? Were the clichés redone with a fresh take? Used in an unexpected manner?
• How did each chapter or scene or section carry the rising action? What moved the story from point A to B and how did the characters reflect this?
• If the story had multiple points of view, how did each point of view differ? What was the tone of the language used? How did the various points of view carry their weight in the story? How did those characters impact the plot?
• Why did you like a particular character? What made them appealing or rounder? What sorts of qualities gave them dimension? What scenes really elevated them from the page and turned them into real people?
• Why did you not like a particular character? What had you expected out of them? Where did they fail to deliver?
• What are the subplots? How are the subplots developing beneath the central plot? By the end of the story, how were the subplots solved?
• How did the author tie off the ending? Were all your questions answered? Did you throw the book at the wall or cradle it gently to your bosom? How did the beginning and the end tie together? What was your lasting impression of the book?

There are a ton of other questions to ask as writers read, but getting started is key. As the critical eye develops, asking these questions will become a natural part of reading and it becomes easier to see more and more of the threads that compromise the story.

The biggest problem I’ve had so far is that the critical eye doesn’t seem to have an off button!

First 250 Words Smash! #4x2

Most Wonderful Author: Kendra || Hintsloveswords @ tumblr

Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
History: First submission

Original Post:

The keep was burning.

House Morier, the most powerful house in the kingdom besides Marlow itself, had fallen.

The true culprit of the act will never be determined, but anyone with any mind knew that Syson was behind it. Syson, the man who made it very clear that he hated his brother, King Rogan, and wanted the throne for himself.

It was well known to the people of the kingdom that House Morier was very close with House Marlow. Why, the young prince himself was betrothed to Morier's infant daughter. It was really no surprise that Syson chose Morier as his first victim.

The screams of the dying could be heard for miles. All of the servants and minor nobility who lived in Keep Morier were burned alive. Lord Raffin and Lady Tara were already dead, of course, killed by Syson's assassins before the fire. Their three children, two adolescent sons and one very young daughter, were said to have been forced to watch their murder, and then killed themselves.

This was not certain, however. There was much confusion that night, and the next morning the keep was silent. Smoke drifted from the blackened ruin of the once magnificent structure like fingers reaching for the sky. The nobility wanted nothing to do with the place, and the lower class kept well clear of it.

Only one strange old woman approached the fallen keep that day, drawn by the weak, pitiful crying of a child.

Revision:

Tavia clutched the hard hunk of bread and dried meat strips to her chest as she darted through  the countless pairs of legs, her small mouth stretched in a grin. Nothing could dampen her  excitement, not even the few people swatting at her when she bumped into them. The bronze and copper coins jangling in her pocket made her do a little skip in delight. She felt rich. The  coin, along with the food, was going to feed the two of them for at least two weeks. Jorah was  going to be so proud of her!

She was heading into the most crowded part of the market street now, and she had to slow  down in order to get through. Merchants and workers alike shuffled through the street, eyes  downcast and dull, faces drawn and streaked with dust and dirt. Their clothes were tattered  and dirty, just like Tavia’s. Her own sturdy coat had holes worn in the elbows and her trousers  in the knees. The men and women around her paid no attention to the little beggar girl running in their midst, and Tavia liked it that way. Jorah always told her that the less notice you got, the  less likely people would hurt you. Tavia was glad that she was so small, able to slip through  crowds without so much of a second glance.

Finally Tavia happened upon the small abandoned building that she and Jorah called home.

Strong Points –

This is much better! Right away I'm drawn into the world you're creating, and as a reader chasing after a character, this is a natural opening and easily lures me into your story without really thinking about it. The questions in the opening are good ones, "Who is Tavia and how did she acquire her hull and what will Jorah think?" Starting out your opening with questions is key, and you've done this well. It's definitely much better than your initial prologue as the beginning!

Also, I like the small sips of world-building you give, what with the coins jangling and the merchants and the workers. You've managed to sneak some atmosphere in there that I really liked without cramming it down the reader's throat! That's tough to do in 250 words.

Some Tips –

The passive voice is still getting to you. You've got some moments of it that work, such as: "Their clothes
were tattered and dirty, just like Tavia’s." This is an organic usage of passive that works in context and doesn't take away from the strength of the narrative.

Here's an example that you can tweak:

"The coin, along with the food, was going to feed the two of them for at least two weeks. Jorah was going
to be so proud of her!"

A basic fix for this is very simple:

"The coin, along with the food, would feed the two of them for at least two weeks. Jorah would be so proud of her."

Fewer words, and more power in each word. Also, I eliminated the exclamation point. The emphasis of Tavia's joy is already taken from the context of the sentence. Children are happy when parents/guardians are proud of them. Most of the time, exclamation marks aren't needed in narrative outside of dialogue, because if you're pouring the requisite emotion into the passage, then the exclamation can be inferred.

(I've been told not to use exclamation points in dialogue either, but pfff, I like my exclamatory dialogue!)

Also, be aware of inconsistencies. In the first paragraph, you note that Tavia gets swat at. The second paragraph, no one notices her.

One last tip: repetition. A way to trim down the fat of your manuscript is to look at whether or not you're repeating yourself needlessly. Here's an example:

"Her own sturdy coat had holes worn in the elbows and her trousers in the knees."

The above is implied when you mention the following beforehand:

"Their clothes were tattered and dirty, just like Tavia’s."

I used to have this problem too, and I spent a long time trimming down unnecessary fat from my manuscript. What happened in the end was a quicker, sleeker pacing. I suspect this is a MG (middle grade) or early YA (young adult) novel, in which case pacing is key.

Would I Keep Reading?

I actually caught my eyes moving on looking for the next lines before I was like, "Oh, that's it? Is that really only 250?" which is a good thing. So, in this case, I would have tested the next few pages. Your content is solid so far, all I'd recommend are a few tweaks to your style, which are easily fixed.

Good luck! Lots of ♥ ♥ ♥!