First 250 Words Smash! #53

Most Wonderful Author: Hafza @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Rebecca
Working Title: "Those Who Walk the Darkness"

“Shh, yes, that’s it.” His mother’s voice guided his hand. There was a shift and he slipped. “Oh, be careful, it’s hard to get good ones like these now. They’ve started watching now.”

“But they can’t always be watching, right, Mummy?” His voice was small and childish in the flickering lamplight. There was a low laugh from beyond the edge of the light.

“That’s right, my son. They can’t always be on guard. The darkness cannot be banished for long, and they can’t escape the shadows forever.” He finished his last stroke and reached for the cloth to wipe. “You’re not finished yet.” His mother’s voice was sharp. He sighed as only a small child can, dramatic and exhaustive. “Moth-er!”

“You know that we are not done. Come, I shall show you once more. But from then on you must do it properly yourself.”

She bent to the table and made two caressing movements with the knife. “Can I try it again, Mother?” She looked down at the little boy and smiled. “Not now, my child. Now, we must leave. The Coven is calling, and we have tarried here too long."

“Come here now.” She gathered him in her cloak and disappeared in a swirl of shadows, leaving behind a lone figure on the table. As the lamp flickered out, the last fingers of light illuminated a girl’s face, mutilated and bloody, with two long cuts extending from the corners of her lips, stretched in one last gruesome grin.

Strong Points –
Wow, what a hook! I think this is a great place to start the story, sparking a lot of questions that the reader must keep reading to find out. Why is the Coven calling? Who was the girl, and what was their purpose in carving up her body? How many more bodies have they and will they get away with mutilating?

But at the same time, I really love the contrast of that gruesome ending with the sweet interactions between a mother and child. There were a lot of great moments where the mother-child bond was shown really well:

His mother’s voice guided his hand.

As well as her “caressing” movements with the knife! Add into that the mystery of his mother always just outside of the lamplight, and her mysterious shadow-swirling powers, and we have a really intriguing set-up for a story!


Some Tips –
Making the reader ask some questions is a great tactic to keep them reading, but if the reader asks too many questions, they’ll start to lose their immersion in the story’s world. A lot of what this scene so far is missing is setting—where and when the mother and boy are located. Are they carving up the girl in their personal basement dungeon, or is this out in the woods under a full moon? Is it maybe even in the girl’s own house, where someone could walk in at any moment? Don’t feel pressured to come right out and tell us “This body is located in the basement of 221B Baker St,” but leaving little hints to allow the reader to draw their own conclusions will do the work for you.

For instance, I think we already have some idea of the time period from the mention of the flickering lamp. I assume this takes place sometime before electricity, when lanterns were common. So let’s look at the other furniture we have: the table. Is it a dining room table? An operating room table? Just an ordinary, nondescript oaken table, but with old stains and cuts carved into the wood? Think about what that table could add to the story with the perfect choice of detail, and perhaps there are other props in the immediate surrounding that can help set this scene as well.

A large portion of the lack of detail also stems from the scene’s tone and its balance of Shock and Suspense, the two building blocks of the horror genre. This scene was written with the intent to shock and scare with the big reveal at the end, which is a tried and true storytelling technique! But in order to convey that big shock, I think a lot of the details were withheld from the reader so it would be a greater surprise, resulting in a lot of ambiguous actions occurring in empty space.

This scene could benefit from more concrete details, but those details don’t necessarily have to ruin the surprise at the end. Instead, choosing to reveal the right details should instead ramp up the suspense and make the reader dread the final reveal even more.

For instance, what is the strongest surprise at the end of this scene? I would think that creepy grin and the girl’s dead body. Currently the scene neatly avoids it, and I can almost picture it like a movie camera, zooming in so we can’t tell what’s really going on! However, does the knife need to be hidden in the same way as the body? Let’s look at the first lines of action.

His mother’s voice guided his hand. There was a shift and he slipped.

As I mentioned before, I love that first sentence. The construction is simple, but effective. Subject (voice) followed immediately by verb (guided) and direct object (hand). The first part of the next sentence though is written in the passive voice, “There was.” Those two words in combination tell the readers nothing, yet take up the most important roles in the sentence: subject and verb. The only reason they’re used is to avoid mentioning the knife to the reader. In fact, the final paragraph has such wonderful active and strong verb choices, I think all of the passive voice is a side effect of hiding information to make the twist that much more shocking.

So let’s imagine the same sentence, but this time, show the reader the knife in the little boy’s hands. That sentence can instead read as “The knife shifted.” Or perhaps we’ll get more specific with how exactly its slicing, with “The knife stuck” or “The knife twisted”; or maybe even it’s the boy’s hands that are unsteady, and we can change it to:

The boy’s hands shifted and the knife slipped (in his grasp/and sunk in too far/etc.).

See how much clearer of an image we get from those sentences without even knowing what the knife is cutting? And you can bet the first question on the reader’s mind is “What the heck is that little boy doing with that knife?” But at the same time the right verb choice will make the reader who goes back to reread the scene cringe even more, which is exactly what we want them to do.

Doing a quick read-through of the rest of these sentences and keeping an eye out for more passive voice and weak verbs will help solidify a lot of this scene’s details. For more examples on correcting passive voice, check out Word Smash #42.

Finally, I want to touch on dialogue a bit. On my first read-through, I’m not sure how much information I got out of the dialogue, because I rushed through a lot of it to get to the action and figure out what the mother and son were doing. A lot of that will be corrected with the ambiguity and passive voice fixes I mentioned above, but then I will probably read through just as fast out of pure suspense. I don’t think that’s a bad thing for readers to do, but the writing should take that into account.

A lot of people advise eavesdropping and writing down conversations as people actually talk as an exercise to improve dialogue. While I think that is certainly an important step to get used to flow of conversations, I think it’s also important to remember that dialogue in fiction should cut a lot of the wasted words, like um's and Well's and all that filler we squeeze in while we think of what to say next. Contractions also help move the reader's eye along, unless a character is overly formal. While there's something to be said about Character Voice, dialogue can still be kept simple, so think really hard about every word, to make sure it is working towards either conveying information and moving plot, or revealing the character of the person speaking.

Try making a list of all the important info that the reader should get from the dialogue. For this scene, I would have things like mother teaching son, someone is onto their plans and "started watching", and “The coven is calling." Then I would try and cut the filler that gets in the way of the reader remembering that information. For instance, notice how you could take all of these bolded words out without changing the meaning of the dialogue:

“Shh, yes, that’s it.” [ ... ] “Oh, be careful, it’s hard to get good ones like these now. They’ve started watching now.”

Personally, I’m especially harsh on interjections like “Oh” because I recognize that’s a problem in my own dialogue. Seriously. I’ll look at five lines in a row that all start "Well, Well, Well!" So sometimes I make arbitrary rules for myself, like only one "well" per scene. I probably wouldn't cut all the bolded words in that sentence, but I would take a moment and think, is this word working to reveal my character's voice and tone? For instance, that first Shh—perfect for showing the mother's caring tone and also perhaps the secrecy of the scene. I would vote keep!

On the other hand, I did notice a lot of “Now” recurring in this scene--five, in just six short paragraphs! I would recommend cutting the ones that aren't necessary for sentence meaning to avoid word overdose. Same for names and ways of addressing other characters. We already know from the action that these two are mother and son, so we don't need to hear that except when it's necessary (Like that whiny "Mooo-theeeerrr!").

And on a side note, it's usually good style to have a new paragraph begin when a new character speaks up. That way when readers are reading super fast because the scene is so intense, their eyes can use the empty space to keep track of who is speaking! In Paragraphs 3 and 5, I would make the lines of dialogue into new paragraphs, just so the reader has an easier time keeping track of who is speaking. And between paragraphs 5 and 6, I wouldn't put a break there unless there's a line of action or description in between.


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I'm curious where you could go with these fixes. I already see a lot of those things working so well in that last paragraph, so I'm hopeful I won't be able to put the next version down!

First 250 Words Smash! #52

Most Wonderful Author: Bree @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Annie
Working Title: Grim Magician

On the sixth of September, Aunt Joysa died. Calette didn't much care until a few weeks later, when her father spoke the name of the deceased in the middle of supper. He went on cutting his asparagus as though he thought he would get away with it, but her mother stilled in an instant and said, “Dalbern, I will speak with you later this evening.”

“Of course,” her father said, reaching for his wine with trembling hands. The children snuck glances at one another, except for Calette, who knew better.

The house was quiet by ten that night. Calette trailed her fingers over cold doorknobs as she moved down the hallway: six rooms for six children, all frozen silent.  Now down the dark staircase, bare feet crushing the carpet, careful to avoid the creaky spots. If she met anyone, she was only going to the kitchen for some water. The sconces in the hallway flickered: someone was still up. She pressed her ear to the study door and held her breath.

 “…don’t want to hear it. Joysa is forgotten, disgraced—“

“Dalbern, don’t speak of her so,” her mother replied crisply. “We need to think of her children and of Parriam. This is graver than I think you realize—“

“Blast her children; we need to think of the business.”   

“Parriam—“                                 

“I don’t give a damn what Parriam does right now.”

“You’ll have to. He’s withdrawn his support for the Richelieu venture.”

An awful silence took over the room.

Strong Points –
Oh, man, there’s so much I love about this! The tempo is excellent, the first sentence hooks you well, and there’s a real sense of deliberate language and word choice. I really feel like this is a polished sample!

There’s a lot of sensory details that get used throughout the piece, sprinkled sparingly, that have an excellent effect. My favorites are the cold doorknobs, the crushed carpets, and the flickering sconces. All the description gives me the feeling that I’m looking at a YA piece—the title, along with the gigantic manor that relies on sconces for light, all say “fantasy” to me, as well. It might be an MG sample, depending on Calette’s age.

I’m a particular fan of the use of subtext in the third sentence (“He went on cutting his asparagus as though he would get away with it, but her mother stilled in an instant…”). It does an excellent job of pairing a mild action with a tense description, and the reader immediately picks up on the fact that there’s a taboo that’s just been broached. The “trembling fingers” afterwards is icing on the cake.


Some Tips –
I like what’s going on here a lot, so my notes are mostly small things. I think it’s in a stage where it’s been revised once or twice, so most of what I feel this writing needs is tweaking.

First, I’d like to look at the first sentence, and how miniscule modifications can give a sentence a different punch. Here’s how it stands now:

On the sixth of September, Aunt Joysa died.

The meat of the sentence is in the second half, so I read this as leading the reader into the sentence with something innocuous, then smacking them upside the head with the news of a dead family member. But, personally speaking, it feels a little languid for a first sentence. This is all personal preference, but I might try changing around the clauses here to get right to the point.

Aunt Joysa died on the sixth of September.

It’s a snappier sentence that grabs the reader’s attention faster by a matter of seconds. As a bonus, it makes the odd part of the second sentence, that Calette doesn’t really care that a family member is dead, that much more apparent. But it also sets a different sense of pacing that might not exactly jive with the rest of the sample, as Calette comes across to me as a bit of a slower, more methodical character who may not state things as outright as in the first sentence. I can’t be sure without reading further.

This is definitely one of those smaller tweaks that will, ultimately, come down to personal taste. Since this sample feels pretty far along in the editing process, it’s reached the point where these miniscule choices, like how the small, important sentences are structured, become the focus. I would recommend trying an exercise like this to see what kinds of effects an altered bit of writing can give, so the final draft is a finely-tuned machine.

Next, let’s look at voice in dialogue. There’s a decent amount here, and there’s definitely been care taken to put a sense of voice in Calette’s observations and actions. But I think there’s a bit of work that could be done to the dialogue, particularly Calette’s mother, from whom we hear the most.

This is a wealthy family, judging by the huge house, the individual bedrooms for all six children, and the plush carpeting. So I’m guessing Calette’s parents speak with an upper-class dialect and excellent diction. That’s all well and good, but it needs to be carefully written. As it stands, I feel like Callette’s mother (and to a lesser extent, her father) speaks in a monotone. I think it’s due to her mother being a very restrained woman and her father being a refined man, but it comes off a little mechanical.

This is something that can be fixed with a little bit of rewriting—namely, a few word choices in and around the dialogue that could affect the mood and tempo. It seems like the conversation Calette overhears is a heated exchange, but I don’t necessary get that from the way they’re speaking. Though Dalbern is using some angry language, I don’t really see it in his tone. As it’s written, I could see him being anywhere from mildly disgruntled to furious. A few shifts in punctuation could assist this: an exclamation mark in his “I don’t give a damn” statement, perhaps. Another solution could be adding a few lines of stage direction. Since we’re restricted to an auditory cue, this is a little trickier, but the reader might be able to better infer where in the “angry” spectrum Dalbern sits. Is he pacing? Could he slam a fist against a hard surface?

These same ideas can be added to the mother’s side of the conversation. Most of the stiffness in her voice comes across in her longest sentence: “Dalbern, don’t speak of her so, […] this is graver than I think you realize.” Again, Calette can’t exactly tell the reader what her mother’s body language is, but Calette seems to have a good enough grasp of her parents to infer a few things. Particularly her mother’s tone of voice. What does Calette think her mother is trying to do in this conversation? Is she trying to make Dalbern see reason? Is she angry about Joysa? Is she impatient? How might that change her language or how she paces her sentences? How might she express this in any sort of audial stage direction Calette could pick up on?

On that note, I wanted to mention the choice to use an adverb in a dialogue tag. I don’t think “crisply” is quite the right word here. This piece is largely devoid of adverbs, instead using scene and setting to show the mood, and that’s great.

Adverbs don’t necessarily need to be stricken from all writing ever, but I think it’s volatile to use one in a dialogue tag, especially when tone and body language could be used instead. In this situation, of course, Calette’s listening, so she only has audio cues to go on. But if there’s a quick way using word choice to indicate her mood without the adverb, that’d be ideal.

The last thing I want to look at is relatively small, and involves pacing with punctuation. I’m looking at this sentence, here:

“The sconces in the hallway flickered: someone was still up.”

There’s something about the use of the colon that doesn’t strike me as quite right for the moment. I feel like the revelation here, that someone is still awake, is more of a dramatic beat. It requires a definite pause, like someone taking a deep breath or waiting a moment for the dramatic tension to sink in (not to muddle things up, but in plays, it’s noted as a “beat” of silence). Slotting it in at the end of the sentence doesn’t quite do the beat justice; instead, it all flows together in a single sentence without much of a breath between the statements.

Let’s try it out in a couple of ways:

“The sconces in the hallway flickered. Someone was still up.”

“The sconces in the hallway flickered—someone was still up.”

“The sconces in the hallway flickered; someone was still up.”

“The sconces in the hallway flickered.

Someone was still up.”

Each of these read with a subtly different pause between the two ideas. Disregarding the minutiae of what’s most grammatically correct, I feel the best fit for this set of phrases all comes down to what is most appropriate for the dramatic beat “someone was still up” creates. Personally, I lean towards separating them out into two sentences, but that’s more personal taste than editorial wherewithal. Like my discussion about the first sentence, this is another matter of fine-tuning, and I would suggest just experimenting with minute structure to see what happens.


Would I Keep Reading?
Yes! As I said above, this is a polished work, and I think the rest of the story would carry out in the same fashion. I love how the setting is used sparingly, and there’s a lot of showing instead of telling. Just about all of my critiques are tweaks and nitpicks, but I feel like there’s already a lot of care being given to the voice and flow of the writing. I want to know what happened, and how it all ties back to Aunt Joysa, who was dead to begin with.

First 250 Words Smash! #41

Most Wonderful Author: Jinny Jones @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

“Why do you wear a hood all the time, even indoors?” she came right out with it and covered her nervous expression with a sip of her coffee.

“I’m a very private person. Why do you keep yourself so closed off from others?”

“I’m afraid of being abandoned and hurt. What are you hoping for out of this, you don’t strike me as the normal dating type, what’s really going on here?” she raised an eyebrow and he chuckled freely, carefully placing his cup back on the table.

“My, aren’t you perceptive? I’m not so sure you’re ready, though if you can tell that easily I suppose it won’t hurt. You are correct. I am not the typical man seeking courtship from you. I’m something else entirely, but the real question. Are you willing to find out what that something is?”

She could feel the heat even from the shadows of his hood, that darkness allured her. The shadows made his face invisible yet she swore she could see a lopsided grin at times in the darker shades of black. She could never be certain but in that moment, she felt heat from his hidden gaze and it was a heat solely for her.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

The constant, monotone alarm was once welcomed by her mind, now it was nothing more than a warning of deep sorrow and regret. Reaching for the nightstand, she killed the insistent beeping and dropped flat on the bed once again.

Strong Points –
I like that we begin with action right away. This is definitely a big plus. The dream also generates lots of interesting questions that easily carry my interest past the alarm clock. Above all, I’m wondering if she realizes she’s dreaming, or if the person she’s having her dream date with is someone she has encountered before, or if that she knows he actually exists outside her dreams – all those questions. This is a good thing if there’s the necessary unpacking, of course! In terms of creating conflict right in the intro, this does a good job. There’s a lot to think about and a lot to store away while reading on.


Some Tips –
The first thing that quickly got me was the sentence flow. Many lines were jarring and inorganic to me. I suppose this would have something to do with punctuation, but I’m also leaning heavily upon transitioning from one thought to another.

Traditionally, a sentence introduces an idea, and when a new idea is introduced, the first sentence ends and the next sentence begins. Of course, personal style and voice slices and dices and beats the heck out of this rule. But the writers who do it well are writers who acknowledge why this rule is a rule.

Here’s an example of where it’s not working:

What are you hoping for out of this, you don’t strike me as the normal dating type, what’s really going on here?

Each of the above clauses can make three separate sentences because they’re three different ideas.

What are you hoping for out of this?
You don’t strike me as the normal dating type.
What’s going on here?

The first clause is really its own sentence to me. I feel the second and third clause aren’t properly joined by a conjunction, or some other transitional word or punctuation mark. Here’s an example of what I mean:

You don’t strike me as the normal dating type, so what’s really going on here?

Or:

You don’t strike me as the normal dating type—what’s really going on here?

It feels like the second and third clause are utilizing the comma as a semicolon, which would still, I think, technically be incorrect? Because the two ideas don’t feel related enough. But, of course, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m definitely not the all-seer of grammar and punctuation.

Anyway, let’s take another example:

I’m something else entirely, but the real question.

This sentence is very jarring. The transition felt very unnatural to me, and the ending felt like doing a seatbelt check on all the passengers. Total whiplash. With a sentence like this, I’d be expecting an em dash, or even a colon. Something that flows naturally into the next thought.

Technically, without the right punctuation, this sentence reads like he’s saying he’s something else entirely, except the real question. As in, he’s not the real question. This can easily be misinterpreted.

As a final example:

I’m not so sure you’re ready, though if you can tell that easily I suppose it won’t hurt.

This is an example of where I felt the sentence read clunky, and I had to read it slowly because of the phrasing. I also thought it read a bit informal compared to the previous sentence.

But, I still think this goes back to flow and punctuation. The way I ended up reading it in my head was more like this:

I’m not so sure you’re ready—though, if you can tell that easily, I suppose it won’t hurt.

My own punctuation placement is stylistic for myself as well, but what I mean to show is exactly how I had to read it in order to understand. The em dash is a long pause, a sign of transitioning from one idea to a similar idea. The commas are brief pauses, and in this case, a split infinitive. Not everyone likes split infinitives, but in dialogue and close POV, they’re perfectly believable if done well.

Nextly, I’d have to say that when my alarm jolts me awake from deep sleep, my reaction is usually a bit more exclamatory and a bit less reflective. When I wake up from sleep, I’m still trying to figure out what day it is and where I am and, heck, even who I am. So I felt the main character’s immediate reaction unrealistic.

(Also, as a side note, since “BEEP! BEEP!” sort of speaks for itself, there’s no need to reiterate “The constant, monotone alarm”.)

The final thing I’d suggest is unpacking. I didn’t get a good dose of description because of the action, which is fine in this case. But “deep sorrow and regret” is a good example of telling versus showing, and we’ve talked a lot about that in previous Word Smashes (I’d recommend checking out 25x3, since it goes into more detail, but I’d also suggest checking back through other Smashes as well).

Mostly what set me back was the style. I can see it trying to come through, and it’s almost there, it just needs some tweaking and fine-tuning. Some good practice will take care of that. Also, I almost forgot, but make sure to check out the proper formatting of dialogue!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. Practice, practice, practice, and do lots of critical reading of your favorite books to see how authors write dialogue to make it look natural. Really study how they use their punctuation, as well as when, why, how, and etc. Then, get some of your writerly friends or well-read friends to read your stuff and see if things are flowing smoother.

Hope that helps! Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #37

Most Wonderful Author: Ibi @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: Icarus: The Rise and Fall of Grey Warren, (self-proclaimed) Rock God

Tracey wasn't in her dorm room, and according to her roommate she hadn't been there all day. Of course, Marlena was kind of a colossal bitch who gave Grey the stink eye every time he came over and made a big production about going to bed at, like, nine thirty if he had the audacity to still be in the room, so Grey wasn't quite willing to just take her word on it.

Tracey liked to joke about fucking on Marlena's bed whenever she wasn't there, which honestly wasn't often. At least, Grey hoped it was a joke. He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods. But they weren't off just then, not that Grey knew about, so there really shouldn't be any reason for that pinched and unpleasant look on Marlena's face.

“Do you know when she’ll be back, then?” he asked.

He felt it wasn't a completely unreasonable question—this was his actual girlfriend he was talking about, after all, not some random person he was ineptly trying to stalk—and he didn't think that Epic Eye-Roll was at all warranted.

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

Strong Points –
Right away I’m thinking this is a NA (New Adult) contemporary romance, and I can definitely see this kind of thing with a rocking cover. The character voice comes forward in an in-your-face way, which I love. I can already tell he’s the kind of guy I’d want to drop-kick in the face and I’m geared for some serious character development already. And even from the two strings of dialogue, awesome. Perfectly natural, and I can just hear their voices in my head as if I’d already spent time with them and got to know them.


Some Tips –
The craft is still pretty raw, but the talent is definitely there. Fine-tuning the writing will bring the story up a hundred levels, and they’re some pretty easy fixes.

Let’s start with the first thing: the opening. The first two paragraphs are 100% backstory, AKA exposition. This exposition delays the start of the action – the actual story begins at the very end of the second paragraph, with Marlena’s expression. That backstory might be necessary to properly set up the scene, but it’s more effective to drop the necessary bits intermittently between dialogue and actions – as the story requires it. Let the narrative generate the question, then give answers as necessary, instead of giving all the answers up front and then asking all the questions. Let the readers ask the questions (“Why is Marlena making that face?”) and then provide the answers.

Secondly: divide up the long sentences. While they’re definitely part of Grey’s voice and a bit of a stylistic device, the series of long sentences that try to cram as much information as possible into one line can be disorienting. Let’s take this example:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods.

That’s all, technically, one sentence. If I were an editor (a big “IF”, since grammar and punctuation law is way too dizzying for me to care too much about), I might chop it up to look like this:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed. (That was just…creepy. And unsanitary, probably.) But he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that, whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods, she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommate’s sheets.

What did I do? Made the first part its own sentence, as well as the parentheses, and then the last part. Also, since I was grappling with what Grey and Tracey’s relationship were, the third part threw me off as I was reading until I got to the very end. To prevent that confusion, I moved the piece closer to the beginning of the sentence.

(Oh, and I also added an apostrophe to “roommates” to mark possession.)

Finally, dialogue tags/indicators/direction. I believe more in dialogue “lead-in” than dialogue tags, but let me explain using an example:

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

As a reader, and even as a slow reader (admittedly, since most of my friends finished the last Harry Potter in a matter of a few days and it took me about a week or so), I tend to gloss over dialogue tags. The thing is, by the time I’ve read the dialogue, I’ve already characterized the voice and the way the words were spoken, so to have the dialogue tags afterward to tell me I read the dialogue incorrectly is jarring.

“Said” and “ask” are good, simple things that serve their purpose of disappearing. They’re there only to mark who’s spoken. However, “speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible” is the stage direction that’s jarring. This doesn’t mean it has to be crossed out, of course. But, for me, it reads a whole lot better if I have the stage direction before the dialogue. It could read something like this:

She spoke as slowly and condescendingly as possible. “I don’t fucking know, ok?”

A dialogue tag isn’t even needed then because the lead-in suffices as an indicator for who’s speaking, and how.

Ultimately the use of dialogue tags is a stylistic thing, but I think writing is so much stronger when they’re limited or arranged more advantageously. Any writing that draws attention to itself can instantly jolt readers from the story. This is a way of preventing that.

Other than that, make sure to keep in the correct tense (“… so there really shouldn't be any reason …” as opposed to “… so there really shouldn’t have been any reason …”) and to consider bits and pieces of description. I don’t know what anyone or anything looks like (although the opening exposition stole much of the opportunity for description), or any of the other senses.

Oh – and I also substituted your slightly changed title for the one you emailed, since I know you participated in the KSW First Impressions title series. Honestly, I think dropping "Icarus" makes the title stronger and less "telling". (Maybe even taking out "and fall"?) You don't want to give away the whole story with the title!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. The writing needs to be stronger first, but I can definitely already sense a market for this – which is a hugely good thing. When lit agents read requested work, they not only read to enjoy, but also read to see how sellable the manuscript is. This has a market, I can already tell, and once the writing is stronger, I can see this getting high request rates (or even doing well on the Indie and self-pub platform, since NA is a big seller there, too).

Good luck!

First 250 Word Smash! #34

Determined and Courageous Author: MBWriter
Hideous and Monstrous Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

“You know you’re going to change the future, don’t you? I just know it. You’re just too special to stay here your whole life. First, you’re going to go to the sea. Then you’re going to soar above it like a seabird. You won’t know it at first o’ course. You’ll glow brighter than any other. You’re my seabird. That’s right. I know you’ll be my seabird. Fly faster. Fly stronger. You, my little seabird.”

The village sat quaintly in a valley. The wind blew. Winter, though unwelcome, intruded upon everyone’s doorstep and begged to be let in, but no one would oblige. Everything appeared dead--abandoned. But there were glows that could not be seen from afar, a little life breathed into the fireplace of its heart. Though it was weathered, this small village refused to be swept away by the foe.

When it came to it, the village was not awakened when a foreign darkness intruded its sleep. It was another darkness that had seeped into the corners of its streets. The desert was too vast and flat for much of anything to escape the attention of this village, but still it slept on. To the human eyes, nothing had transpired. Nothing could be seen. It was, as it had always been, a desert village.

“Seabird…you’re my seabird.”

The mother’s soft voice was at first only heard by her son. However, the darkness intruded upon the unsuspecting corner house and then they were being watched...

Strong Points -
Wow! Some of your description is really great, and you have a style and a tone that is definitely all your own. It sets a certain mysterious and whimsical ambiance for the rest of the novel, which is really intriguing. I like some of the visuals you have in here, like the glow of the fireplaces, the deadness right before winter sweeps in, the contrast of a desert to the ocean  and a seabird. You have some really interesting concepts going on!

Also, the mother's dialogue is pretty distinct. She has her own way of speaking, and if you can do that for one character, I'm willing to bet you can give all of your characters their own individual voices. Well done! that can be a really difficult thing to accomplish.


Some Tips -
The main issue that really stuck out at me was that you use a lot of passive verbage. Sometimes that can be okay, but it would really strengthen your narrative if you restructured your sentences and made them a little more active.

What do I mean by that? Sentences like "they were being watched" and "the village was not awakened", instead of just saying "(something or someone) watched them" or "the village slept on". When you keep "was" or "had" in there, it puts more words in the sentence and sort of dulls the effect and turns your sentence into a passive one.

For a better idea of what I'm talking about, check out what WriteWorld has to say about passive vs. active voice here. They've covered it a lot clearer than I could ever hope to!

Also, I'm not really sure if this is just a lot of background information or if this is where your story actually starts. So perhaps you need to ask yourself if this is something we can learn as we go, or if this is really where the plot begins. Is this immediately relevant, or is this a character's background that we can discover when it begins to become necessary? That's not something I can decide, only you can.


Would I keep reading?
Oh my gosh this is a really tough answer. I still have a problem with not being sure if the story has actually begun yet. For now I think I shall give you the benefit of the doubt and say yes, if not just to answer my questions. But always feel free to resubmit! We love hearing back from our writers, and we hope to hear back from you!

First 250 Words Smash! #22

Since I got so much guff for "hip" and "square" last time...

Very Tasty Author: Nestor San Inocencio || Frostyowlit @ Tumblr
Starving Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

As he stands in front of the witch of the woods, the boy asks, “what does the wickedest of all beings want from me?”

 With this a gust of wind whirls about them and sprawls out onto the ground. The witch, not taken back, smiles as if given a compliment and answers”, it is not what I want but what I’ll give. See, when any enter my presence they must be given a curse of some sort, but you are different for I already sense something strong in you. It is great power and can bring any to their knees”- she pauses and grins this time-“or it can be so destructive that in the end you will no longer be.” The boy lowers his head in shame as if he understands, but not even he knew what this power could be.

She stretches out her arm and with a finger brushes the boy’s hair. The witch proceeds and states, “Most who come here are usually looking for something, wander in or just simply become lost. But you, you did not wander. You walked straight into these woods…”-she opens her harms gesturing to their surrounding-“… and you hoped not to be lost but to lose yourself instead, leaving it trapped here like all those that came before you.”

The witch places her hand on the boys shoulder with slight sympathy. “My foolish boy, these woods will not give you what you hope for and for that I shall give you something,

Strong Points -
First of all, you started the story right away. You haven't dawdled with any exposition or background story, no easing us in with things that can very well be learned later. I haven't really made it a secret, but I love it when a story just gets right to the point and the pacing drops you on your feet and slaps your bottom and forces you to run just to keep up. Great job there.

The way the Witch of the Woods speaks very much sets the tone for a fairytale. She's a little bit crazy, and that's freaking awesome, but she also has that air of mystery. You've done a good job at writing a woods lady.

Also, I liked the line of the wind sprawling out across the ground, because I can imagine it in rustling leaves and spreading out. Just that one word, "sprawling", gave me that visual.


Some Tips -
You've got so much telling in here that  I don't have a very good picture at all of the scene. A lot of these vague details and words you've used can be unpacked and you can do just what you did with the wind example I used above. For example, the boy lowers his head in shame. Instead of telling us it's shame, what does it look like on your MC? Emotions look different on every person. Does he furrow his brows or fidget? We'll get a much better idea of your MC if you unpack things like that.

Also, she gestures to their surroundings--but I don't know what those surroundings are. I guess they're in a forest, but what kind of forest? Is it dense with trees, or does it have more undergrowth, like ferns? Is it day or night? Cloudy or sunny? Is this a lush forest, or is it more arid? What does it smell like? What season is it? I don't need to know all of these at once, but sprinkling these little tidbits in will greatly help.

There is a great debate on whether or not dialogue tags are bad. I can't tell you the right answer for you, but personally I find them to be redundant. You say that the Witch "states". I know that from reading ahead that she states. The boy has asked a question, so when she speaks and I read when she says, I'll know she's answering. I don't have to be told this, just as I don't have to be told that the Witch is not taken aback by the boy's question. Trust the reader to fill in some of these blanks.

Just as well, take a look at the boy's single line of dialogue. Perhaps it's something that he must say, that the Witch expects of him, or a common way of addressing him, and I don't know that just from what I've read. Maybe it's meant to say a lot about your character. However, just from what I know, it is strange for a boy to speak in such a manner.

The last thing I have to say is not so much critique as it is advice. I don't know what you have planned from here. However, just from what I can see, you are heading into some serious cliche territory. Be advised that, while some cliches may still work and there are no new ideas left to be had, you may or may not want to take a look at your story and evaluate that. Just remember that you are the only one that can tell your story as it's meant to be told.


Would I keep reading?
Not yet, I'm sorry. If you decide to resubmit, though, I would happily reread and revisit this story! So please do, because I love your Witch. Thank you so much! <3

First 250 Words Smash! #19

Very Cool Author: Anna
Super Lame Editor: Victoria
Working Title: Through a Glass Darkly

There had always been strange things about their town. No one really had an outstanding face. Everyone had the same couch in their living room. Lines tended to blur the further you left town. If you walked far enough, everything faded to gray. Unless you went to the airport, then you could fly to either Miami or New York City, but there were never flights going anywhere else.

But most of the people who lived in Ridgeville didn’t notice, or care all that much. This was how it had always been. In fact, it never occurred to any of them that any of these things was outside of the norm.

Sometimes there were the voices. Not everyone heard them, and even if a person had heard them, they often tried to pretend it was nothing.

Amy certainly didn’t think it was anything special, and that’s what she told Nikki as they got fries at the burger place.

“...I mean, you haven’t heard them, right?”       

“No,” Nikki shook her head, dark hair pulling loose from her ponytail, as it always did. “But I wonder sometimes...I mean...how do we know there isn’t something...you know, out there?” she gestured widely with her hands.

Amy rolled her eyes. “No way, Niks. All we have is the here and now.”

Nikki nodded slowly, running a fry through the ketchup.

“Hey!” Amy reached across the table and snapped in front of her friend’s face. Nikki jumped and looked up quickly.

“Sorry,” she mumbled.

Strong Points--
Right off you set a nice, creepy atmosphere. This town is very intriguing and super weird, and not even in a cliche sort of way. I really like the little things you picked to tell us about Ridgeville, like the strange flights that the airport offers, or the fact that everyone has the same couch or the voices that only certain people hear. Right away you've raised some crucial questions, and you set a pretty good atmosphere.

You've also eased us into the description of your main characters. You avoided the pitfalls of looking in the mirror or a sudden dump of hair color and eye color, and instead you've chosen to spoon-feed us little tidbits here and there. Great job, because it can be all too tempting to unload that all at once. Also, through the conversation, we already have a very good idea of who Nikki and Amy are, and just how different the two girls can be.


Some Tips--
You have a lot of telling in here, as opposed to just showing us that some people here the voices, and some don't. As I stated, I really love what you have going on with the town. But you may want to ask yourself if these would impact your readers greater if you showed that Amy and Nikki and everyone else has the same couch in the same living room, or if you showed that maybe Amy hears these voices and Nikki doesn't.

Also, Nikki and Amy's dialogue comes off as somewhat stilted, or unnatural. When I read it, it just doesn't sound like a real conversation between two friends. It almost comes off as staged, with a tad bit of reader feeder, or things they're saying just because you need the readers to know this information. You use ellipses a lot, and while I don't think they should be omitted altogether, I believe you may want to cut back so that they don't lose their effectiveness. Same with little phrases such as 'I mean'. I don't find anything wrong with them here and there. I'm guilty of it as well, but I'm also aware that they will be taken out in the editing process.

This brings me to dialogue tags. You have actions in here that can't be used as dialogue tags. Nikki can't exactly shake her head "No" or widely gesture that whole question. Those are actions separate from the dialogue, and would be best as a separate sentence. I would even advise you to take out "mumbled" because I believe you can convey this much better. I think you can paint a better picture for us, perhaps with her eyes dropping or her fidgeting. I don't know your character like you do, I don't know what she may do when she's nervous and submissive, but I'm positive you can show us better than using that tag.

Also, I don't really have much of a basis for picturing this burger place. Is it gross and dirty? Is it retro-styled? Is it a family-oriented place or do they serve beers? I don't know. You don't have to dump a ton of details, but I would like you to spoon feed us additional information so that we have a better idea.


Would I keep reading?
Not yet, no. But I am intrigued, and I really love the idea of this town, so please, don't be afraid to resubmit! I would love to see what becomes of this piece!