First 250 Words Smash! #44

Most Wonderful Author: A. E. Conway @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year. Breath in her throat, she became a statue. The caves stayed silent. Raising her lamp, mouth pursed, she scanned the map. Three miles in, and she wasn’t quite lost, but looking at it frequently seemed like a good idea. She had a job, and bills to pay, and getting lost wouldn’t help.

“Alaia!” Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here. She tucked herself in to a crevice, and struggled to control her breathing. “Alaia! C’mere!”

Up ahead, a light appeared, the cave’s walls thrown in sharp relief. The sparkling yellows, blues, and pink seemed to mock the chills running down Alaia’s spine, winking gently at her. She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice. Nothing friendly could be up ahead.

“Alaia? Oh Alaia, won’t you come play?” Hands shaking, she fumbled briefly with the lantern. The sweet, high voice was something out of the fae tales her Mama had told her as child to scare her into being good. Those stories were called ‘fae tales’ for a reason. They weren’t true.
So what’s that then, mocked the only part of her that still had a backbone. ‘That’ was the thing that was lighting up the cave.

Strong Points –
Structurally speaking, there’re a lot of good things happening here. I can see a solid eye for balancing sentences for a smooth flow and good pacing. From here, it’s just a matter of tweaking and refining, building on what’s already there.

I’m also a fan of the tension, and I love that we get a sense of her fear without ever needing to have it said outright. Her hands shake, she fumbles, and in the beginning, she hesitates. I'm also a fan of the way some of the setting details, which are often dumped in the form of exposition, are relayed awesomely in tandem with the rising action. It’s not relayed in the form of, ‘This is being explained because it has to be explained eventually.’ It’s a lot more like, ‘This is being explained because it’s pertinent to the plot.’ This is my own Achilles heel, so good job on that!


Some Tips –
There’re some really great things happening here – now, let’s bring it up to the next level. And just to be clear, a lot of what I’ll say is purely subjective. This means we’re talking more about style and voice rather than technical issues, and a critique on style will always be based off of personal experience and opinions!

Okay, so, let’s begin. I can tell that there’s still a lot of experimenting going on in regards to sentence flow, so the talent is still raw and needs a bit more practice. As an example, the first three sentences put me off in my first read-through:

The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year.

While I loved the pacing of the first two sentences--with the choppiness that instantly generated tension--the short third sentence had me wondering if it was just a fluke. The flow did improve after that, but there were still some hiccups later on, especially with the second paragraph. A number of sentences followed a nearly identical formula, communicating a single idea and then ending. For me, this was extremely jarring, and as far as pacing goes, lost its effect quickly.

Let’s take an example:

Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.

There’s a lot of potential in this bit in regards to flow, and there’s a huge difference between the above and a simple change:

Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled, and Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.

This is only an example, but just combining two of the right sentences really drives the impact of that final sentence, “No one could be here.” The combined sentences really set up a frame for those final words, giving an extra sting to that moment of drama. Plus, the whole passage flows much better from that simple change.

The next suggestion I’d make is unpacking. As far as detail goes, this is a good foundation, but it’s time to sharpen those creative instincts and take the description and verbs to the next level. I was trying to find the best exercise for this, but really, anything about description is going to help, especially any of the exercises under the KSW Summer Camp and Description vs. Pacing categories. Check out the examples at the bottom of each individual exercise, too. Look for words that strengthen the imagery/sensory details.

What I was looking for in this intro was for the cave to really come alive. I have such a vague image of what the cave is supposed to look like that, when the light appeared, I really didn’t know what to picture. I want to feel what Alaia feels, and I want to feel it the way she feels and sees and smells it while she’s scared and confused. I want to be scared along with her. Creating atmosphere will do awesome things for this cave in that regard.

And, it can also help with the action. An example of a line I know can be improved is this:

Breath in her throat, she became a statue.

The words “in” and “became” are weak, neutral, and do little to create a more interesting feel of what she’s going through. Think of how to rearrange lines like this, to elevate the words and make something more interesting. There’s a difference between, “I took a breath,” and, “My lungs expanded with a slow, quivering breath.”

For now, those’re the two big things that I’d recommend. The rest are simply technical, such as beginning a new paragraph after dialogue that isn’t Alaia’s. Both times that the dialogue started the paragraph, I was confused, thinking she was the one speaking, and had to double back to make sure I hadn't misread.

Also, I’d recommend checking out “comma splices”. The one that really got me was this sentence:

She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice.

Do a bit of research on comma splices and this should be an easy fix.

And, finally, I’m not sure what Alaia’s age should be. In the beginning, she’s referred to as “the girl”, but at the end of the paragraph, we’re told she has a job and bills. Throughout the intro, however, I felt like her voice in the narrative sounded more like she’s “a girl”, much younger than anyone who’d be paying bills.

Anyway, I’m going to leave it at that. Mostly, start experimenting with prose. The technical skills are coming together, so now play around with finding your own personal style and voice!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet, but I’d really like to see this intro again after some experimenting with both style and voice. I think that’ll do a lot of good things!

Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #43

Most Wonderful Author: Emmy @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: Event Horizon

The impact of the hard ground jarred his senses, forcing a soft grunt and air from his lungs. Fighting back the pain and catching his breath, the boy scrambled to his feet and continued to run, shedding bits of gravel and dirt from his hands and knees. The echoes of gunfire and whistling artillery shells, and the dull orange glow of a land engulfed in flames only worsened his fear and confusion. All around him in the midst of smoke and stars stood tall, faceless phantoms. Some spoke words, but they were muffled and unintelligible. The boy tried his best to weave around and avoid running into them, but his legs, burning and crying for rest, refused to obey. Clumsily pushing through the crowds and eliciting several angry responses, he continued to flee.

More gray phantoms rose up to impede his flight, this time brandishing the shadows of assault rifles. Again he tried to avoid them, but when the first one became intangible, his eyes widened in shock as he lost his balance and fell right through. The impact of his chin on the concrete rattled his teeth. He saw enough stars to form whole constellations. The distant sounds of gunfire and artillery shells grew near, now joined by a chorus of missiles and bombs and the roaring of jets overhead. The pain from the first fall was worsened by the second. Tears began to well up in the corners of his eyes as he struggled back onto his feet.

Strong Points –
Firstly, this is a great example of starting off with action and effortlessly establishing lots of good questions, like, “What the hecking heck is going on around this little boy?” But, of course, the intro never directly states the question. It’s easily implied. This is an awesome thing.

What I also like about this intro is how it builds, little by little, on the surroundings/setting. Details are dropped, one piece at a time, as the boy proceeds onward, starting with “gravel and dirt”, then gunfire, and so on. And, since the boy is running and hardly has the time to digest much detail, vague descriptions such as ‘the dull orange glow of the land engulfed in flames’ is a quick way to mark some surroundings believably. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in over-describing things during a scene that’s supposed to be fast-paced (especially with the question of “How much is enough?”), but moments like the aforementioned are good displays of resistance.


Some Tips –
Okay, so, I’ve two things to talk about here: pacing and voice.

Let’s start with pacing. I’ve already mentioned one thing that’s done well in this intro – quick descriptions – but what I’m thinking about more here is in regards to structure and flow. As it stands, simply looking at these two intro paragraphs, I never would have guessed that a boy was running for his life here. Reading brought me a little closer, but there’s still more we can do.

Firstly, check out this exercise on pacing, then check out the list of exercises provided on the final Description vs. Pacing post. Before climbing into the examples at the bottom of each exercise, here’s what to look for: how the sentences change depending on the pace. Even look at how the size of the paragraphs will change.

In fast pacing, when a character is running or being chased or whatever the thing is, less is more. The way information is communicated becomes briefer, sometimes communicated in short bursts. Think of it in terms of the character (or narrator) not having a chance to describe actions or setting in long sentences because everything’s moving too fast.

Suddenly this is happening. Then this. Another thing happened, and the character doesn’t know what to do. Then ultimate thing.

New paragraph begins.

(Do, however, refrain from mimicking the italics. Otherwise, it might read like, "Then she opened the bathroom door." I mean, I guess that could work in certain stories?)

So, while checking out the above examples, compare and contrast. Consider how information is being communicated in the different scenarios. Consider also that the writer’s own personal flair and style is very present in all examples as well. (As in, these are only examples and not the only way to write!)

Secondly, let’s take a look at voice. And, by voice, I mean character voice.

The boy’s young, right? So simplified words make sense. But through reading, I felt a bit distant from him, a step removed, and I think that may be because I didn’t really feel his voice in the writing. It felt closer to a list of events instead me watching this boy race to safety.

Let’s take an example:

Some spoke words, but they were muffled and unintelligible.

So, I don’t know if the phantoms are actually phantoms, or if they’re people. That’s fine if it’s by design (though, ‘tall’ made me think pretty darn tall, because ‘tall’ is a very relative word, such as ‘beautiful’ or ‘great’). But if this is a young boy running from ghostlike people, is he really thinking that the words they speak are ‘muffled’ and ‘unintelligible’?

Perhaps he’s thinking the words don’t make any sense, or the sound of their speech drives him to panic, distorts them into actual monsters, or maybe he tries to understand them and can’t, like when his mom calls for him in a dream and her words don’t make sense.

Think about a dominant impression. ‘Muffled’ and ‘unintelligible’ are words that are particularly uninvolved, emotionally detached – basically neutral. Those words don’t leave an impression. This event is particularly terrifying to the boy, so the trick is to find ways that really, truly communicate this instead of ‘the boy tried his best’, ‘clumsily pushing’, ‘he tried to avoid them’, and ‘the pain of the first fall’. Really think about how to express his character through the narrative.

On a final note, I would definitely advise working more on that title. “Event Horizon” makes me automatically think of the 1997 movie, and it fills up the entire Google search page, which isn’t good from a marketing standpoint. But, you have a start! Having something to work with makes things a lot easier.


Would I Keep Reading?
At this point, not yet. I would personally need to have more emotional investment with the character first (and I actually set down a book on the shelf in exchange for the book next to it just the other day for this exact reason – and the second book won because the character voice was much stronger). But I would definitely like to see a revision!

Good luck! ♥♥♥♥♥

First 250 Words Smash! #42

First of 2014 Super Awesome Author: Sadie @ Tumblr
Still in Dinosaur Years Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

In the morning stillness, Desdemona could only hear her own footsteps. She was walking slowly so she could scan the ground, but her efforts were only serving to frustrate her further.

She bent. Pressed a hand to the ground. Grimaced, since the moisture of the spongy earth rushed to engulf her fingers.

Everything was brown, soggy, and mostly dead.

She clicked a soft noise of irritation with her tongue and stood once more, continuing her slow walk. Her attention wandered, though, over the mossy trees and mushy dirt in the distance. It was hard to have hope when the forest looked like a dying swampland.

Having any kind of hope was harder since the magic had died, really.
She shoved a hand into her satchel as she walked, counting her findings for the day. Two round penn leaves for healing, three fignius leaves for focus, and one mushroom, barely on the brink of life. They would have to stew it immediately to get anything from it.

“’Mona!”

The voice of her teacher only exasperated her frustration at this morning’s bounty. But she turned and started her way back.

“Coming!”

The morning was brisk. She rubbed her hands together and remembered when she could use the friction of her fingers to pull life and healing from the leaves. The two crumpled leaves from today’s plants would boil to create a simple drink for colds, nothing more.

“Pathetic,” she muttered, and hurried to meet Cal.

Strong Points -
Though it might not be an action-packed start, this is a nice way to drop hints and questions. You have Mona collecting for spells and it leaves us to wonder what sort of world we're dealing with. These questions are great, they're what keep us reading. I want to know if Mona's doing this in secret, if she practices magic without others knowing or maybe she's poor and embarrassed so she collects the ingredients without others knowing. And the dead forest turned into a swamp, what the heck happened there? You've found a nice way to weave these details in without cramming them in, and that's awesome!


Some Tips -
The very first thing I noticed was the use of passive voice. It's in the first paragraph, "was walking" and "was only serving". Using "was" (or "had") plus the verb can at times be necessary, but most of the time it removes us from the character preforming the action and greatly slows down the pace. It's also a lot wordier than necessary.

"Mona walked slowly so she could scan the ground." To me, this has a stronger impact, as there are less steps between me and what Mona's doing.

To strengthen this even more, I might choose a more descriptive verb than "walked" just so to avoid using the adverb with it. Adverbs definitely have their places,  don't get me wrong. But if abused, they lose their effectiveness. Sometimes, they border on telling instead of showing.

Telling is a really hard habit to get out of, but becoming aware of it is one of the best things a writer can do for themselves. Learning to describe and effectively show the reader to a conclusion is so much stronger than just handing over a one or two-word description.

For example, "Everything was brown, soggy, and mostly dead." Well, what does that mean? That doesn't give me much of anything to picture. I probably don't know what a dead forest is supposed to look like, so just telling me that there is one there, and that it's wet, that's not helpful. How did this forest die? Did it burn? Are the trees sick and withering? Is there too much water for the climate and thus the trees have begun to rot? All of these things are very probable, but also very different in presentation. This will probably require research on your part if you don't know what this is like, but the end result will be totally worth it.

Another great way to help this is getting rid of dialogue tags. "Muttered" is telling me how she spoke, instead of showing me with the dialogue or how her body language  reads. If she's just saying one word to herself in the middle of the woods, I can probably deduce that she's grumbling it. Other things like shouting or snapping should be clear in the way the sentence reads. We say fewer words or pick more abrasive things to say when we're pissed. Even in text messages or blog posts, a tone is conveyed without us ever having to hear it. Again, dialogue tags are certainly not taboo, and have their uses, but learning to write without them can really help those description muscles.


Would I keep reading?
Not just yet, unfortunately. I need a little bit more before I'm invested in Mona and her world, and I didn't feel completely immersed. So please, resubmit so that Sarah or I can take a second look! Thank you so much, hope to hear back from you!

First 250 Words Smash! #41

Most Wonderful Author: Jinny Jones @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

“Why do you wear a hood all the time, even indoors?” she came right out with it and covered her nervous expression with a sip of her coffee.

“I’m a very private person. Why do you keep yourself so closed off from others?”

“I’m afraid of being abandoned and hurt. What are you hoping for out of this, you don’t strike me as the normal dating type, what’s really going on here?” she raised an eyebrow and he chuckled freely, carefully placing his cup back on the table.

“My, aren’t you perceptive? I’m not so sure you’re ready, though if you can tell that easily I suppose it won’t hurt. You are correct. I am not the typical man seeking courtship from you. I’m something else entirely, but the real question. Are you willing to find out what that something is?”

She could feel the heat even from the shadows of his hood, that darkness allured her. The shadows made his face invisible yet she swore she could see a lopsided grin at times in the darker shades of black. She could never be certain but in that moment, she felt heat from his hidden gaze and it was a heat solely for her.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

The constant, monotone alarm was once welcomed by her mind, now it was nothing more than a warning of deep sorrow and regret. Reaching for the nightstand, she killed the insistent beeping and dropped flat on the bed once again.

Strong Points –
I like that we begin with action right away. This is definitely a big plus. The dream also generates lots of interesting questions that easily carry my interest past the alarm clock. Above all, I’m wondering if she realizes she’s dreaming, or if the person she’s having her dream date with is someone she has encountered before, or if that she knows he actually exists outside her dreams – all those questions. This is a good thing if there’s the necessary unpacking, of course! In terms of creating conflict right in the intro, this does a good job. There’s a lot to think about and a lot to store away while reading on.


Some Tips –
The first thing that quickly got me was the sentence flow. Many lines were jarring and inorganic to me. I suppose this would have something to do with punctuation, but I’m also leaning heavily upon transitioning from one thought to another.

Traditionally, a sentence introduces an idea, and when a new idea is introduced, the first sentence ends and the next sentence begins. Of course, personal style and voice slices and dices and beats the heck out of this rule. But the writers who do it well are writers who acknowledge why this rule is a rule.

Here’s an example of where it’s not working:

What are you hoping for out of this, you don’t strike me as the normal dating type, what’s really going on here?

Each of the above clauses can make three separate sentences because they’re three different ideas.

What are you hoping for out of this?
You don’t strike me as the normal dating type.
What’s going on here?

The first clause is really its own sentence to me. I feel the second and third clause aren’t properly joined by a conjunction, or some other transitional word or punctuation mark. Here’s an example of what I mean:

You don’t strike me as the normal dating type, so what’s really going on here?

Or:

You don’t strike me as the normal dating type—what’s really going on here?

It feels like the second and third clause are utilizing the comma as a semicolon, which would still, I think, technically be incorrect? Because the two ideas don’t feel related enough. But, of course, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m definitely not the all-seer of grammar and punctuation.

Anyway, let’s take another example:

I’m something else entirely, but the real question.

This sentence is very jarring. The transition felt very unnatural to me, and the ending felt like doing a seatbelt check on all the passengers. Total whiplash. With a sentence like this, I’d be expecting an em dash, or even a colon. Something that flows naturally into the next thought.

Technically, without the right punctuation, this sentence reads like he’s saying he’s something else entirely, except the real question. As in, he’s not the real question. This can easily be misinterpreted.

As a final example:

I’m not so sure you’re ready, though if you can tell that easily I suppose it won’t hurt.

This is an example of where I felt the sentence read clunky, and I had to read it slowly because of the phrasing. I also thought it read a bit informal compared to the previous sentence.

But, I still think this goes back to flow and punctuation. The way I ended up reading it in my head was more like this:

I’m not so sure you’re ready—though, if you can tell that easily, I suppose it won’t hurt.

My own punctuation placement is stylistic for myself as well, but what I mean to show is exactly how I had to read it in order to understand. The em dash is a long pause, a sign of transitioning from one idea to a similar idea. The commas are brief pauses, and in this case, a split infinitive. Not everyone likes split infinitives, but in dialogue and close POV, they’re perfectly believable if done well.

Nextly, I’d have to say that when my alarm jolts me awake from deep sleep, my reaction is usually a bit more exclamatory and a bit less reflective. When I wake up from sleep, I’m still trying to figure out what day it is and where I am and, heck, even who I am. So I felt the main character’s immediate reaction unrealistic.

(Also, as a side note, since “BEEP! BEEP!” sort of speaks for itself, there’s no need to reiterate “The constant, monotone alarm”.)

The final thing I’d suggest is unpacking. I didn’t get a good dose of description because of the action, which is fine in this case. But “deep sorrow and regret” is a good example of telling versus showing, and we’ve talked a lot about that in previous Word Smashes (I’d recommend checking out 25x3, since it goes into more detail, but I’d also suggest checking back through other Smashes as well).

Mostly what set me back was the style. I can see it trying to come through, and it’s almost there, it just needs some tweaking and fine-tuning. Some good practice will take care of that. Also, I almost forgot, but make sure to check out the proper formatting of dialogue!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. Practice, practice, practice, and do lots of critical reading of your favorite books to see how authors write dialogue to make it look natural. Really study how they use their punctuation, as well as when, why, how, and etc. Then, get some of your writerly friends or well-read friends to read your stuff and see if things are flowing smoother.

Hope that helps! Good luck! ♥

First 250 Words Smash! #40

Fortieth Author!: Carly P
Not the Fortieth Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

Music and the bodies of fairies form a circle on the hill. The dancing begins with twin royals of the daoine sidhe, Dubhlainn and Aoife. Together, they stride to the center of the circle and begin to dance. As they turn, they drift apart, fingers brushing palms. They go to the guests and each selects a new partner.

Freya gasps to herself when the beautiful daoine princess pulls her into a swirling dance. Could she know that Freya, one of the ianann sidhe, wasn’t meant to be here? If she notices, she doesn’t seem to mind.

Dubhlainn searches the crowd for a partner. His gaze falls upon someone with dark hair that falls down his face and with cheekbones like cut glass. He can’t place a name to this boy, but he has the feeling he’s seen his before and he guesses he must work for the royal court. When Dubhlainn takes his hand, he notices his hands are rough and are laced with small burns. A baker, perhaps? Or was he related to the royal blacksmith? Dubhlainn focused on the dark eyes in front of him as every guest began to dance. He leaned toward the boy slightly, and whispers, “What is your name?”

“My name is Aedan. It’s good to meet you, Dubhlainn.” They both smiled.

The night was warm and they were caught in a whirlwind.

Strong Points --
Well I love me a good fairy story, let me tell you. I love seeing the whole fairy court and all of the impossible to pronounce Gaelic (at least for me) and I'm so excited for this. You've got some really nice description in here, the cheekbones like cut glass, and the mention of fingers brushing across palms as they separate. I like these little details you've snuck into the narrative, because they raise questions, especially the burns on Aedan's hands.

Some Tips --
That being said, I really wish more details have been injected here. I know we're at a ball, but I have no idea what a fairy ball might look like, and I have no hints or clues to go by. Are there decorations? Do they wear big dresses? Do they wear nothing at all? I don't know any of this. Everything has largely been left up to my own imagination, and it's left me with blank, white surroundings. As with the royals (twins?). I don't know what they look like. I don't need paragraphs and paragraphs, but this is a whole new world for me, and without that sensory description, I have nothing to translate how magical this realm is supposed to be.

Also, there is a lot of telling, a lot of unloading exposition where we do not need it. A perfect example is Freya, who we've been outright told she should not be there because of what she is. For me, this could have been communicated so much stronger through body language, through Freya's body chemistry and her fear, and then later revealed when it's necessary to know. It certainly raises its own questions, but telling us instead of showing she shouldn't be there kills the potential for a great look into her character.

For example, are Freya's palm's sweating? Is she watching the rest of the crowd over Aoife's shoulder to see if anyone notices her for what she is? Or is she so captivated by the princess that she forgets to be paranoid? Does she trip? Is it effortless to fall into step with Aoife? I would have known so much more about both of them and their situation with some more detail, and I would have become more attached to the characters themselves. Telling bypasses all of this, and just presents me with a fact that's a little colder.

Would I keep reading?
Not yet. Unfortunately, I really feel you have to slow down and take the time to weave more details into your narrative. It's a tough thing to do, to balance sensory details, characters, and the plot all at once. Our suggestion is always that you read. Read, read, read! Read your favorite authors and  figure out how it is that they paint a picture, let you know the character, and still keep you dying to know what happens next. And then we'd be so happy if you resubmitted! Thank you so much and good luck!

First 250 Words Smash! #25x3

Most Wonderful Author: Kaitlyn Noble
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: The Underground Prince
History: Previous Submission || First Submission


Previous Submission:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. I can hear in his voice that he’s scared but trying to hide it, so I hide my own fear and stand a little straighter. Right after I agree, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I obey my father’s orders and run towards my room, excitement in my veins that there’s actual fighting going on, but also fear. Fear of what might happen. Knights and guards are blurred shadows as they hurry past me. Servants and other castle workers scatter in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. As I run past, a few servants tell me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.”

As I round another corner, boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!” “They’re gaining ground fast, they’ve already breached the inner walls!” There’s one bit though that makes my heart stop.

Revision:

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. The words are spoken anxiously, his voice low and firm. I nod once and force my shaky legs to stand straighter and be still. Right after this, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I let my posture slouch in defeat and run towards my room, annoyed that there is actual fighting going on that I must miss. It’s hard to keep my hands from punching the nearest wall as the blurry, fleeting shadows of the castle guards hurry past. The further I go, the more servants and other castle workers I see scattering in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One stumbles and slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. A few glare at me, shouting for me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.” 

As I round another corner, my boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!”

Strong Points:
As you might have noticed, I’ll be taking over this revision on Victoria’s behalf to help give more perspective in this revision. I volunteered myself right before she volunteered me, so I’m happy to put in my thoughts!

I can see how you’ve applied some of what Victoria’s said, and that’s awesome. There are some new details, and also “showing” of his frustration through the line, “It’s hard to keep my hands from punching the nearest wall,” which is a solid sign of characterization that we didn’t have before. The additions definitely help.


Some Tips:
However, while the additions help, revisions are still quite timid and minute. I understand what Victoria’s been trying to explain about this intro, and while there are certainly some improvements, her points still stand: the intro reads like a summary of events. It feels like the main character is recounting over dinner to someone a moment that happened. I’m not fully immersed in the story because the action is described in a retrospective way.

Let’s take the very first line.

One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

This is a summary. In fact, this could be the first line of a synopsis (which is usually in third person, not first, although it’s not unheard of). I can picture reading the summary on the back of the book and this being the first line. That’s cool, but it’s not as effective in the actual story.

This is what Victoria means by telling. That first line is the core example of “telling” versus “showing”, and while there are certainly times where “telling” is absolutely appropriate (and some might argue that this might actually work here), both Victoria and I agree that this opening line loses the potential drama of the intro.

What Victoria has been trying to explain is to utilize action for greater impact. Let’s take the very first line here:

One moment I am laughing with my father.

This can be unpacked with action. What are they talking about? Where are they? What’s the relationship between them? What’s their connection? What do they look like? All of these potential questions are lost because, instead of beginning with action, the action is summarized.

The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.

‘War zone’ means nothing to the reader. Was there an explosion? Are there fires? Did someone run in and announce a siege on the castle? What are the stakes? What is the conflict?

Also, ‘The next thing I know’ or other modern idiosyncrasies are actually kind of like ‘throwaway lines’, or clichéd phrases that don’t really carry their weight.

Let me try to give a real concrete example of what I mean. Keep in mind that this is just my own personal exploration of the story and not intended to be used for anything other than just a basic example. Let’s take the third line:

Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe.

And to demonstrate “unpacking”, “showing” and “action”, I’ll write it like this:

He grabs me by the shoulders, his leather hands too stiff. “Son, go to your chamber.” I hardly recognize his voice, both stern and firm, yet each word quivered on the tip of his tongue. “Lock the doors. Stay quiet. Stay hidden. Do not come out until I’ve sent word it’s safe.”

My own voice cracks in my throat. “Father—”

A resounding boom rocks the castle and challenges my balance. Father recovers first and shoves me away. “Go.”

Again, this is just an example of something that could have been explored from that single line, where the narrative can take the reader into “the moment” of the story instead of glaze over it. I want to see how dad’s anxious, not just have it told to me. Moments like these are what really bring home the contrast and stakes of the story.

For me, the entire first line can be unpacked to fill the first 250 words. I can see it. There’s a lot that we lose as readers when it’s all crammed together into a single line of telling. Personally, I would definitely suggest a whole rewrite, because I think you can do much better than this. Brave restarting fresh and think about what matters as you write—what should be conveyed, and how.

But before you brave another revision, I’d definitely advise you to check out our masterpost of exercises. Some of the exercises also have examples, and I’d recommend checking into those as well (especially on the pacing side, because I think that’ll help you a lot).

Also, I’d recommend picking up a book in your genre (middle grade or young adult fantasy, I’d guess) and read critically like a writer. Take notes, mark passages with stickies or post-its, and really learn how the author’s craft functions in scenes like yours. Study how the author keeps the reader rooted in the story and avoids summarizing events (or, conversely, uses summaries of events to benefit the story, because not all “telling” is bad).


Would I Keep Reading?
I want to see some big changes if you decide to do another revision – I’d also be super excited if you did. I love to see huge improvement, and once you let go and really get into revising, I think you’ll do something awesome!

Good luck! ♥

Nano Day #6

So, I see lots of you all climbing into the five-digit word counts, or getting close, which is totally awesome. But, if you're not, don't despair. All is not lost. Only day six of November is concluding. Not even the first week is over yet. If you've fallen behind, you can still catch up.

Firstly, make sure you've read 13 quick tips when you’re starting your novel at the Tumblog. Next, try some of these things:

• Try word sprints. Nano has an official Twitter for word sprints. Also, heck out TheWritersHelpers' Nano blog, because they hold word wars.
• Set smaller goals. If you're only making 200 words a day, try aiming for fifty words every half hour. Then take a half-hour break. Then come back. Sometimes the "end of the day" deadline gives us too much room to stretch out our legs. Setting several more smaller deadlines might help.
• Make sure you're not stuck. Sometimes writing becomes difficult when we haven't planned for what's coming. Simply planning out the next few steps often helps this problem.
• Do something active right before writing. Take a walk or a jog around the block, down the street, or get up and dance to What Does the Fox Say. Your brain activity increases, which is good for thinking.
• Write with a friend. Sometimes all we need for a morale boost is simply to have someone hold us accountable. Every half hour of writing, bug each other, whether through some sort of messaging or in person.

November still has many long days left, so don't panic!

How is everyone doing?