First 250 Words Smash! #12

Courageous Author: Talya
Horrible Editor: Victoria
Working Title: Sightseeker

There was a dead man behind the funeral director. Jackson knew it was crazy; to claim a dead man was behind anything but a coffin didn't even make sense. But, as much as he tried to reason, the more he found there was no other explanation.

He barely breathed, the dead man, something that could explain the pasty blue tinge under his skin. His hands should have been pink, but were blue, just like his face above a line of red that circled his neck like a noose.  He barely moved too—inhumanly so.

Jackson couldn't help but to think hawk or, worse, vulture as dead loomed over living. Boy, did that spirit loom.

“Miss Walsh, if you need time to decide on a coffin, we most certainly can hold this portion off a bit,” the director said.

Maybe fat blocked feeling. The director seemed coiled in his fatness; rolls on rolls of fat bubbled over his collar, manifesting a chinless neck that could fold into three sections. Mighty rude, but who was Jackson to know how sensing the dead worked?

But if fat controlled astral detection, then that meant his aunt should have been screaming by now. Granted, she was close, but the reason was for what she knew, not for what she saw.

“Thank you kindly for the concern,” she said. Her voice cracked. “But we can’t keep holding off on things. The funeral will never get done.”

Strong Points—

So between your older version and this one, this is much, much better. I’m pleased with the improvement you made, and this is a whole different story to me now! Your opening line is still a great hook, and from there it only gets better.

The description of the ghost is still wonderful, very haunting, especially when compared to a vulture that looms behind the director. You’ve painted a particularly vivid image of this thing and it is far from being human like it used to be. This thing gives me the creeps in the best possible way.

Jackson also has a particularly interesting voice, and he lightens the situation up with his internal commentary. His vision of the obese funeral director certainly spells him out as a bit of a douche, but almost an endearing one. His character is apparent right from the get go. ‘Mighty rude’ actually got a lol out of me.


Some Tips—

You have a few parts in here where you can eliminate mentioning Jackson. When you have sentences that say things such as ‘Jackson couldn’t help but to think’ or ‘Jackson knew’. Since this is, for all that we know, from Jackson’s POV, we already know it’s Jackson who is experiencing these thoughts and sights. When you eliminate that, you put us one step closer to the action and the sensation instead of removing us from it.

Also, there are some adjectives that you don’t need in here. They only bog down your narrative. Things like ‘He barely moved’. This is unnecessary and clunky, and it doesn’t paint as vivid of a picture as you could with other, more definite words.

Really, you’ve improved so much that you took all of the advice I never got to give you. Everything I would have wrote for your first submission was eliminated with this one, so go you! My last bit of advice is yours to take or leave, as it’s up to you and Jackson, but I find he is very calm for someone seeing a ghost. Perhaps he’s seen more ghosts that we have yet to hear of, maybe he’s had other experiences that have conditioned him. I don’t know. But he is looking at a ghost and almost joking about it, which isn’t quite normal.


Would I keep reading?

My answer to the first one was yes, but this is a much more enthusiastic YES! I love your character, and I love how you’ve described the ghost. I very much look forward to more, and I thank you so much for resubmitting this newest version!

Reading Critically For Writers

An inherent part of writing well is reading well. It’s not enough to simply take good books and read them and love them to pieces – we do lots of this already. Honing our skills as writers depends on how much we write and how well we read.

Writers grow by switching on the critical eye and analyzing why particular books worked. Book reviewers often summarize the important elements of the story and judge whether or not the story worked for them overall. Literary analysis is more dissecting the text looking for themes and meaning and reflections of the author’s troubled love life.

Writers, however, can benefit from looking into the seemingly simplest elements, the tiny threads that weave together and form the entire tapestry. We first learn to speak by listening to others and imitating vocal patterns. We learn to write by imitating what we read, and we learn to write better by reading more effectively.

Here are some things to look for as you read:

• What scenes of the story read faster than others? What parts make you turn the page without thinking and what parts give you the opportunity to stifle a yawn? Look for sources of tension or conflict, especially if either is steadily rising. Look for points in the story where characters move the plot, or the plot moves the characters.
• Sentence flow carries a narrative. Follow how the author played with sentence length in both slower and faster scenes. Study their techniques in speeding up or easing back on the speed of the narrative. When were longer sentences used? How about shorter? What effect did it generate?
• Look at the dialogue on its own, without any surrounding action or tags. Just the dialogue. Can the characters be told apart by certain nuances with speaking patterns, idiosyncrasies, or colloquialisms?
• How are the surroundings described? What sorts of things does the environment reveal without ever directly telling the reader? Clothes, food, building materials, and even character? How does this indirectly reveal the setting? The time and place?
• With a particular scene that carries a very thick, defining atmosphere or mood, look for colors and sensations. Look for word choices that carry a subliminal effect, the way the narrator or characters regard their surroundings. Even easily overlooked signs such as body language can make an impact.
• Study how the five senses are utilized, as well as how creatively the author approached using the senses. If the author used any clichés, then in what way? Were the clichés redone with a fresh take? Used in an unexpected manner?
• How did each chapter or scene or section carry the rising action? What moved the story from point A to B and how did the characters reflect this?
• If the story had multiple points of view, how did each point of view differ? What was the tone of the language used? How did the various points of view carry their weight in the story? How did those characters impact the plot?
• Why did you like a particular character? What made them appealing or rounder? What sorts of qualities gave them dimension? What scenes really elevated them from the page and turned them into real people?
• Why did you not like a particular character? What had you expected out of them? Where did they fail to deliver?
• What are the subplots? How are the subplots developing beneath the central plot? By the end of the story, how were the subplots solved?
• How did the author tie off the ending? Were all your questions answered? Did you throw the book at the wall or cradle it gently to your bosom? How did the beginning and the end tie together? What was your lasting impression of the book?

There are a ton of other questions to ask as writers read, but getting started is key. As the critical eye develops, asking these questions will become a natural part of reading and it becomes easier to see more and more of the threads that compromise the story.

The biggest problem I’ve had so far is that the critical eye doesn’t seem to have an off button!

First 250 Words Smash! #11

Sacrificial Lamb Author: Yali Noriega || Peripeciasdeunaerreita @ Blogspot
Hungry Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

It was early morning when Carmen woke up, the sunlight coming in through the bullseye their cabin had for a window. It seemed brighter somehow; perhaps it was the reflection of the water, or maybe it was all in her mind, but everything felt different. Last night at dinner, the Captain told his passengers they would be pulling into New York City Harbor early today and she had decided she wanted to be out on the deck to see it. The week long voyage was finally arriving, and she was more than ready to land. It was the beginning of a new life for her; she could not wait.

Carmen changed quickly, taking care not to upset the carefully packed trunk, slipped on her shoes and left her sleeping husband behind. She felt the chill, salty morning air, and it scared away what sleep was left in her. Carmen's eyes were wide with wonder: as fas as she could see there were buildings and construction sites, the statue of Liberty on a tiny island, an enormous expanse of land full of houses and, she imagined, squares, markets, parks, people. The city seemed to stretch all the way to the water and finish abruptly there. Except it didn't; the harbor was full of ships of all sizes, some docked, some moving. She was barely arriving and she already could already how busy this place was; it made her eager to begin this adventure, explore the city, make it hers. 

Strong Points--

 I think the second paragraph is your strongest. You create the best pictures in there, and we get the best sense of voice. Things like 'make it hers' and 'scared away what sleep was left in her' really give me the best details, even without you having to say much about it. They give your character voice and life. It also provides the most insight to Carmen. I'd have to guess, off the top of my head, that this is a historical piece from the words 'trunk' and 'markets'.

I also liked some of the imagery you painted for us. The idea that the city goes right up to the shoreline and then spills over as the boats, the tiny island with a big statue, the bullseye window with the bright light leaking in, those moments really help us visualize what Carmen sees.


Some Tips--

I hate to say it, but I would probably take out most of the first paragraph. It's mostly unnecessary, as the important details come in the second paragraph. We don't need to know she decided she wanted to be on the deck when they pull in--we know that by the fact that she's there. We don't need to be told that it's New York City, as the Statue of Liberty is a key indicator. Utilize that and cut out the things that we can learn later. There is so much potential here, and a tickling tease that makes me want to know why she had to come to the States to start anew, but everything is bogged down by the fatty edges. Trim that off and polish the hook of your opening.

Your character's voice shines when it's there, as I pointed out earlier. They give me an idea of who Carmen is and what she's feeling. But I don't feel it's in there enough. You have a great starting point, now feel free to embellish it with a little more of Carmen's personal flair.

Also, please avoid telling with things such as 'eyes wide with wonder'. The short description of her round eyes coupled with her whirring thoughts is perfectly enough. We as the reader want to feel her wonder, not be told that she is experiencing it. Another way to help this is to take out words such as 'felt' and 'saw'. Since this is more or less from Carmen's POV, we know she's the one feeling it and seeing it, and these words are just a middle man that bog down your sentences.


Would I keep reading?

Unfortunately, not just yet. I don't feel I have enough to really get me going, but I think that would be helped a lot by taking most of that first paragraph out. That leaves room for more 250 Word Smashes, after all.  But I am intrigued, so please resubmit if you choose to edit it! Pretty please?

<3 <3 <3 <3

First 250 Words Smash! #10

Most Wonderful Author: JPearl
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: N/A

  

"If you screw this up, I swear to god I will have your ass removed from U of P's enrollment list. And don't think for a second that you'll have a home to come back to."

Loving words spoken by my dear father, Michael J. DiMarco, as we pulled into the driveway of the house that would soon become my prison. Why, exactly, would I be stuck there?

See, I was never what my father would consider to be a "good" kid. He seemed to ignore the fact that I had almost all A's in school, a ridiculous amount of friends and membership in all my hoity-toity prep school's elite and exclusive clubs (and dashingly good looks, if I may add).  Instead he focused in on my reputation as a partying, trouble making player.

As my school's board of directors would say, pish posh.

"I know, Dad. Maybe you should get tested for Alzheimer's or something, because you've repeated that multiple times," I retorted.

Cue Angry Michael face.

Anyway, despite the fact that I had a 'bad' reputation, I never did anything that bad. Trust me, I played plenty of pranks, got high in school on more than one occasion, and often slept with two girls within the same party, but compared to some people, I was a perfect little angel. By some people, I mean the majority of my friends. That would also include the three ass brains who had gotten me stuck here in the first place.

 

Strong points –

Instantly noted the voice is very strong. “Cue Angry Michael face”? Brilliant. “As my school’s board of directors would say, pish posh.” Little effortless bits like that really plant clues about the main character and, gosh, he sounds like quite the jerk so far: “despite the fact that I had a ‘bad’ reputation, I never did anything bad.” It also seems to me he’s an unreliable narrator in that regard, which is awesome. I already hope he learns his lesson by the end of the story.

So far, he sounds like a completely honest, rebellious college guy (and I’m only guessing that your main character is a ‘he’, which may or may not be true). Awesome job on that, and awesome job on natural narrative flow. No awkward sentences or technical issues that gave me pause. It was an easy ride to the end.

Some tips –

Your main character does quite a bit of ‘explaining himself’ in the opening, which would constitute exposition. In the opening, for a faster pace and a quicker hook (especially for the YA audience, or the insofar controversial NA, if that’s what you’re aiming for), you want to refrain from giving up too much so quickly.

Capitalize on the action, what’s happening, starting with the characters arriving at “the house that would soon become my prison”, because this is the question that you’re giving your readers: why is the main character being shipped off here and why is it a prison? Why does dad think he’s going to screw up what’s about to happen?

When you ask these questions, don’t feel the need to answer them so quickly. Drop clues in dialogue. If you allude to the answers in your character’s thoughts, give specific events instead of a vague reference to parties and bad behavior. Vague references don’t stick with readers like true examples do. “I played plenty of pranks, got high in school on more than one occasion, and often slept with two girls within the same party” could be stronger if unloaded with actual examples.

If you want to convey that he’s rebellious and dislikes his father and the situation he’s been dumped in, I’d suggest you show it through dialogue and body language. You could try to lead into dialogue with stage action instead of relying on a dialogue tag that doesn’t carry its weight. For example:

"I know, Dad. Maybe you should get tested for Alzheimer's or something, because you've repeated that multiple times," I retorted.

If you lead into the dialogue with your character folding his arms or sinking lower into his seat or whatever it may be, you reader can hear the tone of his words through how he acts.

I’ve also noticed that you seem to be aiming for a specific type of POV that addresses the reader (AKA “third person universal omniscient”). If this was your intention and you intend to carry through the rest of the story in this way, I’d suggest taking out filler words like “see” and “trust me”. Although a natural part of dialogue, these words carry little meaning in a modern narrative sense and tend to clutter the narrative as well.

Anyway, in essence, capitalize on your action before background, and clue into background as you progress. This will help speed things up and let your readers find the answers to the questions you ask, instead of you answering all the questions for your readers.

Would I keep reading?

I’m going to say yes, at least to find out what dad thinks your main character might screw up (especially since it seems like the main character might get turned on his head, and I already have the need to read that).

Good luck and thanks for the submission (also a million sorrys that this took so long – it got a little lost in our email). ♥♥♥!  

First 250 Words Smash! #9

Brave, Bold Author: Cee
Terrible, Horrible Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A

Long ago, there was a maid, not a maiden.  She is fair, but more importantly she is brave and canny and just a bit mad.  Perched on the bed, grimy with misuse, she listens for the step on the stair.  She breathes and her hands still, slipping the stiletto within the casing of her corset.  Whore’s get, they call her.  Maybe they’re right; maybe her road always led here.

The door opens and before it can close, she has the man pinned against the wall, her knife at his throat and fire in her eyes.

“I will not.”

Defiant, she stares him down.  He’s young.  She hadn’t expected that.  Youths, they think they should get it for free until she reminds them, scarring words written in silver and blood across their hearts.

His hands raise, the fear raw in his eyes, and she’s not yet cruel enough to ignore a cry for mercy.  She pulls the blade back, a single bead of blood staining the fine lawn of his shirt.  He’s pretty, really.  

“Please.”  His voice is hoarse. “I mean you no harm.  So don’t kill me; I’m really rather attached to this body.  I have a proposition for you.”

In a flash, the knife is back.

“Not that!”  He flails, trying to evade any further nicks or worse.  "If I swear to any God you wish that I have no intention of touching you, will you put the damn thing down?"

Strong Points--

 You wasted no time in getting to the action, which is a really good way to hook us into the story. It's all too easy to start a story with exposition that we think is important, but you didn't do that. Good! I'd much rather dive right into the story and find out what the heck is going on as we travel ahead!

Also, we get a good sense of character asap. Your lead female, her actions speak volumes about what kind of girl she is and what kind of awful things have already been done to her, as well as what they've turned her into. It also shows a lot about the boy that he's willing to do just about anything to not get slain, so he's kind of a pansy, but that's okay.

You've snuck a few good descriptor words in there, such as the 'grimy' bed and mentioning her corset (which can really set what sort of time period this may be happening in).

Some Tips--

I found a lot of telling. 'She is fair, but more importantly she is brave and canny and just a bit mad', 'defiant', and 'she’s not yet cruel enough to ignore a cry for mercy' for starters. These are things that would be so much more powerful if you showed us how she does this, as opposed to just outright telling us.

In fact, I think this article that WriteWorld did on showing vs. telling does a much better job than I could, so check that out! It will help strengthen your narrative and make this exponentially more wonderful.

Also, I would highly suggest changing your first line or two. They're right there in cliche territory, and it's best to avoid those at all costs. I do appreciate the comparison to a fairytale, and the stark contrast between a fairytale setting and what we have here, however, I would prefer to see it done in other ways, such as your themes, your situations, your characters, and some twisted tropes.

More imagery would also greatly help me visualize what I'm seeing. I already pointed out some good descriptors, now push that. What kind of room is she in? Is it dark or light? What does 'pretty' mean to your character in regards to a boy?  There's so much information a setting can give, so utilize that.

Would I Keep Reading?

I think I may, as I'm intrigued by your main character. Who doesn't love a bamf? I think that if you fix these things and resubmit, though, I will be begging you to read more. They will turn an okay opening into a punch in the face.

A good punch in the face.

Good luck, and please resubmit!! <3 <3 <3 <3  

First 250 Words Smash! #4x3

Most Wonderful Author: Kendra || Hintsloveswords @ tumblr

Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah

History: Previous submission || Original submission

Previous submission:

Tavia clutched the hard hunk of bread and dried meat strips to her chest as she darted through the countless pairs of legs, her small mouth stretched in a grin. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even the few people swatting at her when she bumped into them. The bronze and copper coins jangling in her pocket made her do a little skip in delight. She felt rich. The coin, along with the food, was going to feed the two of them for at least two weeks. Jorah was going to be so proud of her!

She was heading into the most crowded part of the market street now, and she had to slow down in order to get through. Merchants and workers alike shuffled through the street, eyes downcast and dull, faces drawn and streaked with dust and dirt. Their clothes were tattered and dirty, just like Tavia’s. Her own sturdy coat had holes worn in the elbows and her trousers in the knees. The men and women around her paid no attention to the little beggar girl running in their midst, and Tavia liked it that way. Jorah always told her that the less notice you got, the less likely people would hurt you. Tavia was glad that she was so small, able to slip through crowds without so much of a second glance.

Finally Tavia happened upon the small abandoned building that she and Jorah called home.

Revision:

Hey!”

Tavia ran from the furious voice, ignoring the shrieks of indignation as she pushed people out of her way. She stumbled into someone’s cart, scattering a small pail of vegetables. The cart owner stared at her in shock as she stuffed her prize back in her jacket and scrambled onto the street again.

Tavia glanced back over her shoulder to see her pursuers gaining on her. She grinned at their enraged expressions. The leader, a big, bald man who looked like a thug, saw her grinning and shook a fist.

“Come back!” he roared, face flushing crimson in rage.

Tavia laughed and bolted down the nearest alley, hardly thinking before turning another corner. She wove through backstreets and alleys randomly to throw off her pursuers.

All was well until Tavia skidded around a corner and nearly collided with the very men she was trying to avoid. All of them were shocked for a moment and stood there staring at the other. Tavia recovered a split second faster than the men and recoiled out of reach. Just as she turned to run again, one of the men bellowed, “Get her!”

Tavia’s heart was pounding in fear now. There was a very real chance they would catch her. She started to run, but a huge weight hit her from behind and threw her to the ground, the weight landing on top of her.

Strong Points –

Your progression over the past months is killer and I’m so glad you resubmitted. I can see real jumps in the evolution of your writing in regards to strengthening your prose and building on your action. Seriously, your chain of events and the flow of it all is more substantial and the pacing is perfect, plus you’ve broken out of your passive tic (though I still think “Tavia’s heart was pounding in fear now” would read better in its simplified form, “Tavia’s heart pounded”). I’m just floored by how you’ve been taking in writing advice and reciprocating it!

Some Tips –

From here, I’d recommend you invest in beta readers/critique partners to take over the smaller quirks and overall content if you haven’t already. Having various eyes critique you, as well as learning how to critique, will give you more propulsion for improvement. Here are a few things I can help you with:

Use fewer simple verbs. In this case, avoid these words: ran, pushed, turning, hit, etc. You’ve got some strong verbs in there already, such as “skidded” and “scattered”. These are great words, but also try to avoid overused/clichéd or vague phrases like “enraged expressions”, “who looked like a thug,” and “shook a fist.” As an example, you do a better job with “enraged expressions” by describing the leader with “face flushing crimson in rage.” Still, I encourage you to push your creativity further and experiment more with facial features and gestures that reveal individual character and expression! “Furious” and “rage” and “fear” can be replaced with stronger descriptions.

I also want you to work a bit on giving small doses of the environment like this and like this. Tavia is entrenched in and reacting to her environment enough in the beginning that the reader needs to generate some sort of preliminary image of what things look like, and then later on in the story you can refine it when the action slows. Work on developing those little clincher details to breathe life and color into your world.

Lastly, I noticed four out of six paragraphs begin with Tavia!

Would I Keep Reading?

My response hasn’t changed from your previous revision. As I mentioned, find some critique partners! Your writing has evolved dramatically and I think it’ll evolve naturally as you work on content and structure. Keep it up!

And of course, plenty of ♥ ♥ ♥!

Some Help On Picking Character Names

The names of a cast of characters can say a lot about the author. Because my parents gave me a very simple, extremely popular biblical name for my generation (as in, when walking down the hall at my high school and someone called out “Hey, Sarah!” about three heads turned in response), I tended to give my characters odd names that I had never heard before.

The problem was that I knew nothing of the culture from which the names were borrowed.

While critiquing, I’ve identified other inherent problems, such as having a cast of simple English names and one token ethnic name, or a fantasy setting with keyboard smash names that look like drunken Welsh slurring.

Names are a lot more than basic labels for your characters, but don’t require the selling of any souls. Here’s a handful of suggestions to possibly consider as you name your characters:

1. Ask your character what kind of name they want. They might take what you gave them and change it anyway. Say their parents named their little girl Sally, but she tells you she’s transgender and wants to be called Sal, or maybe change the name altogether even without your permission.
2. Similarly, names affect how characters identify themselves and how other characters identify each other. A character with a very unique name might be very conscious of it, or they might wear it proudly. A secondary character might misspell or misspeak your character’s name, maybe intentionally or unintentionally.
3. Try, if possible, to avoid common modern names. There’s nothing like reading a book and constantly associating the main character’s name with your second cousin who pulls the wings off of bees (unless, of course, your character IS the second cousin who pulls the wings off of bees).
4. Or, it might just be that your character has to have a common modern name for whatever reason. Don’t despair if they do. A current trend in naming babies is to alter the original spelling of a name. This is a good way to differentiate your character and make their name more memorable, but be certain it’s realistic that whoever named the character is/are likely to do this.
5. If you’ve picked a name and grown attached to it, and then read a book that uses the exact same name, don’t panic. If this is without a doubt the name of your character, then leave it as it is. When your book is published, it will most likely be several years after the book you’ve just read (on average, it takes 1.5-2 years from a publishing contract to the shelves). Don’t worry about it for now and write on.
6. But if you’re super worried about it, try giving your main character a different nickname. For example, Elizabeth can be Beth, Liz, Lizzy, Liza, Eli, or Eliza.
7. Don’t get too caught up in the meaning behind names unless the culture of your character forms names around the meaning. Your character is likely to give the name new meaning by the end of the story anyway. As an example, when people hear the name "Hermione", the first thing that comes to mind isn't how the name is derived from Hermes.
8. Often a trap that I’ve seen writers fall into is naming a character after something prominent and/or universally symbolic, which will then play into the story. An example is the character who betrays the main character having the name of Judas. Don’t do that. Even if Judas doesn’t betray the main character, the reader will spend the whole book waiting for him to.
9. If you have a fantasy setting, base it upon actual history to create a realistic foundation. Look at the way names were formed, from what, and why. (As an example, the names in pre-colonial Southeast Asian kingdoms were influenced quite differently than the names in Europe during the rise of the Catholic Church.)
10. If you have POC in your cast, make sure you’ve done all your research and fully understand the culture and its history before you look at names. Also consider the generation of your character. If they’re the second generation to live in the States, then they might have an English first name, or both an English name and a name from their heritage. A country that was heavily colonialized might commonly use English, Spanish, or other European names already.
11. Make sure you understand how the language and the formation of names in a particular culture work. I took Chinese in both high school and college, but my professor admonished me for creating such an unattractive, nonsensical Chinese name for a project. It forced me to question the names of all my Chinese characters (and also the origin, because common name dictionaries don’t differentiate between particular regions and dialects of China).
12. Don’t be daunted by the aforementioned if you have characters with cultures unfamiliar to you. Research is an inherent part of writing, and effective and adequate research forms a solid and realistic foundation (or interpretation, in the case of fantasy) for your characters. Make sure you’ve done more than enough before you even start looking at names.

Don’t stress yourself out over the naming of a character. If you pick one and decide it just isn’t working, then try again. With a first draft, perfection is the enemy. Do all your necessary preparations beforehand and don’t be afraid to get it wrong as you write. That’s what revision is for. And if a critique partner suggests you change a name, remember it's all inevitably up to you.

Besides, when you get your literary agent, he or she may tell you to change the name you worked hard to choose anyway. Then you might decide to flip all the tables and start the process all over again.

What other suggestions do you guys have with hunting for names?