First 250 Words Smash! #37

Most Wonderful Author: Ibi @ Tumblr
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah
Working Title: Icarus: The Rise and Fall of Grey Warren, (self-proclaimed) Rock God

Tracey wasn't in her dorm room, and according to her roommate she hadn't been there all day. Of course, Marlena was kind of a colossal bitch who gave Grey the stink eye every time he came over and made a big production about going to bed at, like, nine thirty if he had the audacity to still be in the room, so Grey wasn't quite willing to just take her word on it.

Tracey liked to joke about fucking on Marlena's bed whenever she wasn't there, which honestly wasn't often. At least, Grey hoped it was a joke. He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods. But they weren't off just then, not that Grey knew about, so there really shouldn't be any reason for that pinched and unpleasant look on Marlena's face.

“Do you know when she’ll be back, then?” he asked.

He felt it wasn't a completely unreasonable question—this was his actual girlfriend he was talking about, after all, not some random person he was ineptly trying to stalk—and he didn't think that Epic Eye-Roll was at all warranted.

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

Strong Points –
Right away I’m thinking this is a NA (New Adult) contemporary romance, and I can definitely see this kind of thing with a rocking cover. The character voice comes forward in an in-your-face way, which I love. I can already tell he’s the kind of guy I’d want to drop-kick in the face and I’m geared for some serious character development already. And even from the two strings of dialogue, awesome. Perfectly natural, and I can just hear their voices in my head as if I’d already spent time with them and got to know them.


Some Tips –
The craft is still pretty raw, but the talent is definitely there. Fine-tuning the writing will bring the story up a hundred levels, and they’re some pretty easy fixes.

Let’s start with the first thing: the opening. The first two paragraphs are 100% backstory, AKA exposition. This exposition delays the start of the action – the actual story begins at the very end of the second paragraph, with Marlena’s expression. That backstory might be necessary to properly set up the scene, but it’s more effective to drop the necessary bits intermittently between dialogue and actions – as the story requires it. Let the narrative generate the question, then give answers as necessary, instead of giving all the answers up front and then asking all the questions. Let the readers ask the questions (“Why is Marlena making that face?”) and then provide the answers.

Secondly: divide up the long sentences. While they’re definitely part of Grey’s voice and a bit of a stylistic device, the series of long sentences that try to cram as much information as possible into one line can be disorienting. Let’s take this example:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed (that was just… creepy. And unsanitary, probably), but he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommates sheets whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods.

That’s all, technically, one sentence. If I were an editor (a big “IF”, since grammar and punctuation law is way too dizzying for me to care too much about), I might chop it up to look like this:

He knew he wasn't fucking anyone on Marlena's bed. (That was just…creepy. And unsanitary, probably.) But he supposed it wasn't beyond the realm of possibility that, whenever she and Grey were on one of their “off” periods, she was bringing some other guy back to the dorm for the sole purpose of defiling her roommate’s sheets.

What did I do? Made the first part its own sentence, as well as the parentheses, and then the last part. Also, since I was grappling with what Grey and Tracey’s relationship were, the third part threw me off as I was reading until I got to the very end. To prevent that confusion, I moved the piece closer to the beginning of the sentence.

(Oh, and I also added an apostrophe to “roommates” to mark possession.)

Finally, dialogue tags/indicators/direction. I believe more in dialogue “lead-in” than dialogue tags, but let me explain using an example:

“I don’t fucking know, ok?” she said, speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible.

As a reader, and even as a slow reader (admittedly, since most of my friends finished the last Harry Potter in a matter of a few days and it took me about a week or so), I tend to gloss over dialogue tags. The thing is, by the time I’ve read the dialogue, I’ve already characterized the voice and the way the words were spoken, so to have the dialogue tags afterward to tell me I read the dialogue incorrectly is jarring.

“Said” and “ask” are good, simple things that serve their purpose of disappearing. They’re there only to mark who’s spoken. However, “speaking as slowly and condescendingly as possible” is the stage direction that’s jarring. This doesn’t mean it has to be crossed out, of course. But, for me, it reads a whole lot better if I have the stage direction before the dialogue. It could read something like this:

She spoke as slowly and condescendingly as possible. “I don’t fucking know, ok?”

A dialogue tag isn’t even needed then because the lead-in suffices as an indicator for who’s speaking, and how.

Ultimately the use of dialogue tags is a stylistic thing, but I think writing is so much stronger when they’re limited or arranged more advantageously. Any writing that draws attention to itself can instantly jolt readers from the story. This is a way of preventing that.

Other than that, make sure to keep in the correct tense (“… so there really shouldn't be any reason …” as opposed to “… so there really shouldn’t have been any reason …”) and to consider bits and pieces of description. I don’t know what anyone or anything looks like (although the opening exposition stole much of the opportunity for description), or any of the other senses.

Oh – and I also substituted your slightly changed title for the one you emailed, since I know you participated in the KSW First Impressions title series. Honestly, I think dropping "Icarus" makes the title stronger and less "telling". (Maybe even taking out "and fall"?) You don't want to give away the whole story with the title!


Would I Keep Reading?
Not yet. The writing needs to be stronger first, but I can definitely already sense a market for this – which is a hugely good thing. When lit agents read requested work, they not only read to enjoy, but also read to see how sellable the manuscript is. This has a market, I can already tell, and once the writing is stronger, I can see this getting high request rates (or even doing well on the Indie and self-pub platform, since NA is a big seller there, too).

Good luck!