Horrible and Grouchy Editor: Victoria
Working Title: Galactic Flight: Trials of Thema
Disrespect permeated the corridors, swirling in eddies around each of his officers as they met his gaze. His rank and his five platinum medals dangled obnoxiously, even to him, on the front of his white, silver, and blue Legion jacket. By merits alone he should have earned their trust, but his crew’s faux recognition that he was their Commodore made him wonder what else he had to do to earn not only his crew’s faith in him but the galaxy’s as well.
“Sir,” one of the engineering commanders stopped him as he headed to the aviation bay, “it’s going to be a few more hours before we have the engines repaired,” the commander avoided eye contact, “are you sure we’re safe here? In the middle of Brotherhood space?”
“Questioning me already?” Nye’s voice projected.
“The Brotherhood signed a pact, commander. During Recuperation no enemy ships are to be attacked on either side.”
“Yessir.” The commander nodded.
“Alright if you finally understand why we’re floating about in enemy territory, not being attacked, why the dzif did you feel the need to ask a stupid question?”
“Dzif sir?” The commander genuinely looked puzzled.
Nye felt his shoulders slump and his disgruntled sigh followed a quick rolling of his eyes. Staring at the commander for a moment made him want to write a dictionary for Theman phrases. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel like the idiot making situations so awkward.
“Carry on, commander,” he said as he walked around the confused commander,
Strong Points -
This is a really strong start! I have a great idea instantly of who my MC is, and where we are and what the immediate conflict is, which is so freaking awesome. There's a lot of questions that have arisen, but they're the sort of questions that will make me keep reading, because I want to know. Why doesn't his crew respect him? Is it in his head? Is he from Thema? Does that mean he has a strange accent that they don't? You've set up a very intriguing situation here, and not only do a have a secret weakness for Sci Fi, but I very much enjoy the MC you've put us in.
That aside, you also provide some very interesting glimpses at the scenery, little descriptors here and there. I love the way he sees the disrespect as it coils around them all and the way it manifests in his vision, and how even he doesn't like the badges when he sees them. Those tidbits say a lot about Nye and what kind of guy he is.
Some Tips -
I say this a lot, and every time I make sure to include that it is merely my humble preference, as there are many differing opinions. However, I think it would really strengthen your narrative to take out some of the dialogue tags. One of the tags is that his commander stops him, but that becomes a little confusing, because it's almost like having action for the dialogue tag.
But I really think it would strengthen you to take out how Nye's voice projects and to instead describe how that sounds. Does it echo down the hallway? Does his commander grimace? You could unload 'projected' for some of the same sneaks of description that I loved before. As such, I'd love it if you could spare a few words for the surroundings, because while I have the technical name of the hallway, and I know we're heading toward Aviation, I don't know what kind of hallway it is. Am I picturing the darker, more industrial look of Serenity? Or the nice, clean lines and colors of the Enterprise? Personally, I went with the Enterprise, but I don't know.
Would I keep reading?
Yes! I actually kinda like Nye, and you've set up such a scary situation here that I really want to know how they get out of it! But, if ever you want, don't hesitate to ask questions or resubmit! Thanks so much! <3 <3 <3