Horrid and Wretched Editor: Victoria
Working Title: N/A
I close my old cracking copy of Romeo and Juliet. I know it is cheesy for a guy to read a romance but I have had this small leather bound copy since I could read, and it is the only possession of my mother I have. Constant reading from past owners has caused the yellowing pages to crack and tear. I have read it hundreds of times but never all the way through. I always stop at the same quote “Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight for I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.” Behind the fading highlighting, these words appear preserved in history. I do not know why, but I have always had a connection towards those hundred-year-old words. I imagine her reading, and reaching this specific point in the story. Somehow, it touched her. Touched enough to cause her to damage the book in the most permanent ways. Similar to the way they touch me, causing me to read them repeatedly, and leaving the best romance of our time left unfinished in my hands.
Well instantly your main character is so very endearing. Not even just for the fact that he's reading a romance, but more for why he has read it so many times. The question of his mother is definitely the hook in this passage, and the way that your MC has to feel connected to her because he doesn't seem to have her in his life any longer. Not to mention the way he can never read past that one particular line, that's a pretty interesting detail.
You described the book wonderfully, too. I love the detail put into the yellowing pages and the cracking binding and the old highlights that are beginning to fade. I can very vividly picture this book, and it's definitely the key for this opening.
First of all, you should definitely find some references on when to break a paragraph. That's more a grammatical thing, so I won't go into it too in depth, but one long paragraph gets really tiring on the eyes and confusing. Each separate thought should be its own paragraph. Not only does this help with the actual act of reading, but it also emphasizes each thought on its own, as opposed to running them together.
Oh man, it's pretty hard to find stuff since this is such a small passage. I'd say make sure you inject other descriptors like you did with the book. How exactly does he imagine his mother? Give us the same visual that he has, since it's something that's so dear to him and will tug on our heartstrings like it does for him.
Unfortunately, that's all I can give you right now! You wrote this passage really pretty well, it's just that it's so short and so compact that there isn't much else I can decipher!
Would I keep reading?
I think so. I'm almost there. If you gave me just a little bit more, I think you would sell me, because I find your main character just so very cute. So please, if you would, resubmit and I'd be happy to read again! I can't wait to hear more from you!