tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51145744097891919852024-03-13T13:55:33.957-07:00Keyboard Smash WritersSarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.comBlogger111125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-26084168314407799852014-09-18T12:10:00.000-07:002014-09-18T12:10:02.248-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #56<center>
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<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Austin Graczyk @ <a href="http://shadesofgraczyk.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a> <br />
<b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Rebecca<br />
<b>Working Title</b>: “Innocent Death (aka Brooks/Saunders)”</center>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
November 30, 2012<br />
<br />
John Brooks wasn't listening to the preacher.<br />
<br />
He had been, until the complete stranger started in on what a good man Hannon had been. That made him want to find something else to focus on.<br />
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It wasn't the preacher’s fault. He was only human. It was a small miracle he’d even agreed to say a funeral for a vampire.<br />
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A pink splotch across the glen caught Brooks’ eye.<br />
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It was a little girl in black, standing next to a tree with a bright pink umbrella over her head. She looked at him but then to the casket.<br />
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He looked back at it, too. It had been closed for the whole event, and with good reason: however much was left of Hannon wouldn’t be pretty. Fire, sunlight, beheading, and silver were the only ways to kill a vampire, and Hannon wasn't in an urn.<br />
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“And so, his partner would like to say a few words,” the preacher said with a look that caught Brooks’ attention.<br />
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He nodded and they changed places. He cleared his throat. “Thank you all for coming today. I know Agent Hannon would appreciate it.” He straightened his tie. “Hannon and I were friends for a long time. We were transformed together, in England, in the 1700’s. Unlike me, he never lost his accent. We traveled together for a long time, until the integration with the humans, and we didn’t separate for long, even then.</blockquote>
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<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
A fantastic opening line. Its construction is simple, nothing flashy, but what makes it work is that it starts with a situation that feels wrong. Preachers are people whose entire jobs center around dispensing moral wisdom, so when someone chooses not to listen to the preacher, we know to expect some conflict of morals or ideals between the character and the preacher (or the preacher is just really boring, but that’d be kind of a copout plot-wise).<br />
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And I do like the way that initial conflict is connected to conflicts in the world at large, that hint at the world’s rules without going into a history lesson. The thing that’s “wrong” with the preacher is that he doesn’t really know Hannon, but he’s doing this despite there being some tensions (I assume!) between religious folks and vampires—and woah, vampires! What a plot bomb!<br />
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Similarly, we get some nice hard rules about vampires, along with this funny line:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
… however much was left of Hannon wouldn’t be pretty. Fire, sunlight, beheading, and silver were the only ways to kill a vampire, and Hannon wasn't in an urn.</blockquote>
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There’s a lot of intrigue built up here, including how and why Hannon died, and who is the little girl with the pink umbrella?<br />
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<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
And we have a lot of intrigue going, right until Brooks gives Hannon’s eulogy. Everything Brooks says appears to be <b>backstory</b>, and by the lack of closing quotes for the scene, I'm guessing it's going to go on for even longer. But even if the eulogy content was tweaked and shortened, there is still the problem that eulogies by their nature boil down to being real-life backstories.<br />
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Consider how other fictional works have used eulogies and funerals in their plot. If a eulogy is actually given, it's probably used in an ending scene, when the audience knows and can grieve alongside the characters.<br />
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The first two examples of fictional funerals that I can think of are in the movies "Big Fish" and "Death at a Funeral", both of which feature sons trying to understand their dads as they're dying or after they're dead. In those instances, the eulogies work great for showing how far characters have come in understanding their estranged fathers. But if a funeral happens closer to the beginning, the audience won't have the patience to sit through the eulogy of someone they don't know.<br />
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Instead, often just enough of the death or funeral are shown before delving into a movie-long flashback that takes the place of the eulogy—for example, think of movies like "Grave of the Fireflies", "Citizen Kane", or "Remember the Titans".<br />
<br />
Consider instead giving only enough detail to show the funeral is happening, but then move on. I would omit the details of the eulogy since this is occurring so early in our plot. I think the opening lines tell us all the backstory we need to know: Brooks and Hannon are vampire-cops in a world where human preachers and vampires don't always get along.<br />
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With that out of the way, let's focus on the purpose of this scene to the plot. I'm guessing by the cop/thriller vibe I get from this scene, Hannon died under mysterious circumstances related to an unsolved case he was last working on, and it's up to Brooks to find out the true cause of his death!<br />
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In which case this funeral scene should be our introduction to this <b>conflict</b>. So what is about to happen? Does Brooks use the eulogy pulpit to say something he shouldn't, leading his boss to suggest he should "take some time off?" Or does the local mummy mob want him silenced for his outburst—permanently? Or does some mysterious someone (the girl in the parasol perhaps) have a lead for Brooks that breathes warmth into a cold case? Stick close to the plot, and the backstory should catch up in time.<br />
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Instead, replace the backstory with more <b>details </b>of this funeral scene that might give the reader a glimpse into this world. Right now, things are a little empty. Up until the introduction of the girl, the entire scene is Brooks telling us how displeased he is with the preacher. I can't even picture the preacher, since we're never given any clues to draw our own conclusions from—his face, his clothes, the condition of the Bible he might or might not be holding. Meanwhile, Brooks straight up tells us:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
That made him want to find something else to focus on.</blockquote>
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So he's looking at everything but the preacher, and still he doesn't describe anything in his immediate vicinity. This little line of telling is a missed opportunity to show some world- and character-building description. Delay the umbrella a little longer, and take some time to describe the setting of the funeral, the gravesite, the people who showed up and the ones who are conspicuously absent. Then Brooks can easily segue to looking at the girl.<br />
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Some stronger word choices in the descriptions and actions could also help build the scene. For instance, the word "splotch" I would normally associate with messes and stains, but here it's used to describe a dainty, pink parasol.<br />
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Still, I think it's one of the more vivid words in the whole scene, and that pink parasol stuck with me more than any other detail. Other lines don't fare quite as well:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
She <b>looked </b>at him but then to the casket.<br />
He <b>looked </b>back at it, too.<br />
...the preacher said with a <b>look </b>that caught Brooks’ attention.</blockquote>
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Aside from the repetition, "look" is a weak word choice on its own, but it's made worse by the fact that when people sit around having eye conversations, not a lot happens. Perhaps an award-winning actor can put a variety of emotions into eyes that would leave audiences riveted, but in the book world it drags down the action. I would try and find more specific ways to convey these same scenarios.<br />
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For instance, in the first line, I think the change in the girl's attention is important, so that's an unavoidable bit of eye conversation. But perhaps there's a little more flavor there... is it an "Oops, I was caught staring" kind of looking away? Or a cool acknowledgement of his presence that shows wisdom far beyond her tender years? Or maybe she's been sending eye lasers into his back this whole time to let him know "We need to talk!"<br />
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The second sentence I would cut, simply for the reason that we are already seeing this story from Brooks' perspective, and saying he looked at something is redundant when we can just jump straight to the coffin in question.<br />
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And the third "look", I would be more specific in exactly the kind of expression it is that catches Brooks' attention. Since Brooks was contemplating the coffin a second ago, maybe it's not a visual cue, but a change in the preacher's tone or a throat clearing that brings him back. The degree of the change can also show just how swept away Brooks got by the coffin.<br />
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<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
Not yet, but I never knew how badly I needed a story about vampire cops. Keep writing, keep editing. This intro could still use some polish, but I do want to know more of this story. If this is the action-packed mystery I suspect it is, I look forward to getting my hands on a hard copy someday!<br />
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Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-43607574370423675772014-08-15T17:11:00.000-07:002014-08-15T17:11:21.243-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #55<center>
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<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Renee @ <a href="http://runawayrenki.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a><br /><b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Ange<br /><b>Working Title</b>: N/A</center>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I swung the brass-<br />
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Wait, you need to hear the beginning first. I can't leave it out. I'm sorry.<br />
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I want you to know that I wasn't always a bad person before I tell you what I did.<br />
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The beginning wasn't at my birth. There were years worth of pieces that tied together to make the beginning.<br />
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My father. The way anger would distort his long face. The scar across his bottom lip, shaped like a half moon. The way he'd take me outside in the mornings he was home and watch birds with me. The weeks that went by without anyone hearing a word from him. He would come back with bruises and cuts on his face.<br />
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The gun I found under my parents' bed. I thought it was a toy and almost shot Galvin with it. My da' found the hole in the wall and I ran outside, climbed up a tree, hid in the branches until he found me. He leaned against the bark and looked up at me, silent and stiffer than the tree itself. He told me that if I didn't come down right then, I would be sleeping outside. I didn't move until he started to walk away, jumped down from a high branch and broke my ankle. When he made me stand in front of that wall and stare at the hole I made, there was a pale, itchy cast around my foot and cold metal digging into the back of my neck.</blockquote>
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<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
There is a suspenseful feeling at the end of this that manages to draw me in and makes me want to read more. The “cold metal digging into the back of my neck” paired with “itchy cast around my foot” gives me, as a reader, insight into the circumstances in which the protagonist lives, but it also gives a forewarning, a hint, that there’s going to be action further on which is neat. The text does create tension, which is good because tension drives plot. <br />
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I also like the attention to accent detail, e.g. “my da’.” It creates a little bit of a background picture and I’m a big fan of getting small tidbits of a background through these little details that are dropped throughout the text, rather than spelling such things out. It’s much more...discreet and simplistic. And it makes it necessary for the reader to think a little for themselves, which I personally think is super neat!<br />
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And while I’m on details: I really like the details regarding this person’s father. Just like I previously said, I’m a big fan of small hints being dropped and figuring things out with the help of them, and the attention to detail concerning the father helps me build a picture of their relationship with each other as well as form an idea of who and what the father is like. <br />
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<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
Although I do like the tension, which is a small glimpse of <b>plot</b>, the problem is I don’t really get that much plot. I get promised plot, but then this plot, this action, is paused to give me background, which personally I find a little frustrating. That’s not to say that it’s not a commonly used tool; it’s often used in storytelling between friends, and I can think of three TV series’ episodes at the top of my head that use this technique. They give you a glimpse of action and then “48 hours earlier” or something to the likes, and, personally, I find it equally frustrating each time. However, in a book, this method, usually in the form of a prologue—aside from my own personal frustration—can be somewhat problematic. <br /><br />First of all, there’s a risk in books, that by doing this the narrative<b> leaves out important details </b>because it’s rushed. And in that case, it might be wiser to simply flesh it out so as to make sure that all important things are included. On the flip side, to be brutally honest, if this scene is not important to the story, then perhaps it doesn’t need to be included. <br /><br />Every scene should focus on telling the reader a story. Every scene should capture some kind of moment, whether that’s contributing to the story development, conflict, the character development, or necessary background information. If this scene fits into one of those categories, the story might benefit from expanding on the scene and fully fleshing it out rather than rushing through it. When a text is rushed, it prevents the reader from successfully creating a mental picture of what is happening, and anything that prevents the reader’s painting is, unless intended, usually not a good thing. Unless the reader is supposed to be confused, the text should not confuse the reader. The risk is that the reader will lose interest and stop reading. <br /><br />If the background information is important to the <b>conflict</b>, the story, why is it summarised? If it is necessary in order to understand the rest of the conflict, it should be fleshed out and give the readers all of the information, rather than a summarised version of it. <br /><br />To illustrate my point, here is an example. <br /><br />Following is Divergent, rewritten in the same form the above intro is written.<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I open my eyes and thrust my arm out. My blood drips onto the carpet between the two bowls. Then, with a gasp I can’t contain, I shift my hand forward–<br /><br />But wait, you need to know the beginning first. You need to know how I got here. <br /><br />It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was never supposed to choose this. <br /><br />When we are sixteen we go through the ceremony, the Choosing Ceremony, and it determines our fate. It determines where we will live out our lives. <br /><br />I’m told it was different before the war. But the war changed everything. Supposedly for everlasting peace we, the population, were split into five factions. We are born and we die in these factions. Many of us are born, raised, and die in the same faction, but some of us are born and raised in one, but die in another. <br /><br />If you choose a faction that you weren’t born in, didn’t grow up in, you are ripped from your family. You’re only allowed to see them once a year. Faction over blood. </blockquote>
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<br />And as a contrast, this is the actual beginning of Divergent:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
There is one mirror in my house. It is behind a sliding panel in the hallway upstairs. Our faction allows me to stand in front of it on the second day of every third month, the day my mother cuts my hair. <br /><br />I sit on the stool and my mother stands behind me with the scissors, trimming. The strands fall on the floor in a dull, blond ring. <br /><br />When she finishes, she pulls my hair away from my face and twists it into a knot. I note how calm she looks and how focused she is. She is well-practiced in the art of losing herself. I can’t say the same of myself. <br /><br />I sneak a look at my reflection when she isn’t paying attention–not for the sake of vanity, but out of curiosity. A lot can happen to a person’s appearance in three months. In my reflection, I see a narrow face, wide, round eyes, and a long, thin nose–I still look like a little girl, though sometime in the last few months I turned sixteen. The other factions celebrate birthdays, but we don’t. It would be self-indulgent.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />Notice how Roth isn’t afraid to dig into the details here, even going so far as to describe the reflection the main character sees in the mirror. And in this she gives us background, and only background. There’s no interruption anywhere. She’s laying the groundwork for the rest of the story here.<br /><br />Imagine building a house; if the groundwork isn’t complete, there’s an overhanging risk that the house will fall, or collapse. It’s the same when writing. If there are flaws in the foundation, the rest of the building will eventually suffer.<br /><br />Roth does very well in beginning her novel where the actual story begins, while still managing to sprinkle important background information throughout the story in a way that doesn't interrupt the flow of the text. <i>However</i>, it’s important to note that there <i>are </i>books that begin with background information (especially in MG literature). It has been done before, it has worked, and it still works. It all depends on what audience you want your story to reach. Storytelling is always subjective, and there’s never any set rule or formula to follow.<br /><br />Just as well, sometimes things <i>need </i>to be summarised. Too many details, especially if they don’t further plot or character development in any way, may end up giving the text—any text—a 'thick' feeling, hampering the pacing, and that can be tough to read. There’s always a balance to keep in mind, regardless of what you’re writing.<br /><br /><br />
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<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
I would read the next line, just because of the last line in this text. I’m too curious as to what happens next not to. I’m incredibly intrigued by the taste of plot, there’s something solid there, and with a bit of revision to show the plot more clearly, my mind would probably be changed. <br />
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Good luck! <br />
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<span id="goog_610023005"></span><span id="goog_610023006"></span> Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-49158385663322617942014-06-27T13:36:00.000-07:002014-06-27T13:36:21.056-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #54<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Kamil<br /><b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Aly<br /><b>Working Title</b>: N/A</center>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The driest place in the world is in Antarctica. You wouldn't think it with the whole continent being made of ice, but it's actually true. Right in the middle, there's a place scientists like to call the Dry Valleys where there's no ice at all, just crust. It hasn't rained there in more than a million years and any moisture that manages to roll down into the valleys from the surrounding ice shelves is immediately evaporated by winds rushing through at 200 miles per hour: cold enough to freeze your skin solid or fast enough to rip it off. Oddly enough, even the Dry Valleys aren't devoid of life. A kind of bacteria called extremophiles thrives off the harsh environment and lack of competition for food. <br />
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In Sarah's new apartment, the walls were rotting in. A dark, gray water stain clung to the ceiling and bowed it inward, threatening to soak a sofa that looked like it had already been through enough. Sarah stepped in, wary of the creaking floor as she did so, she couldn't help but be jealous of those extremophiles in the Dry Valleys. At least they got to live somewhere nice. <br />
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Sarah trunk slipped from her fingers and thudded against the floor. The space between her temples throbbed. Heavy boots on the stairs echoed up through the hallway. Sarah's father, a middle aged man with wisps of thinning hair, circular glasses, and a forced smile pulled his way up the last step.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
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<br />
<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
This intro has some fabulously evocative description in it. That first paragraph in particular has an off-kilter beat that really makes it stand out. This strong imagery continues through the rest of the piece and doesn't just focus on the external senses, but ties in the emotions at work here. I can really get a sense not only for what this place looks like—kind of a dump—but also what Sarah thinks about it—that she's not too keen on it. My favorite line is:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
A dark, gray water stain clung to the ceiling and bowed it inward, threatening to soak a sofa that looked like it had already been through enough.</blockquote>
<br />
There's a lot going on under the surface there, and it's a great sentence. It really helps to build the atmosphere and set up what I presume will be the tone of this first scene—that Sarah's life is perhaps not quite going the way she wants it to, between the crummy new apartment, the rising headache, and the father with a forced smile.<br />
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<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
I hate to say this because I genuinely do like the description in the first paragraph, but I don't know that it transitions smoothly enough from the quirky-sounding narration to the actual story. It's a big chunk of writing for the reader before they get to the characters and plot they're going to be living with for the rest of the book, and the break between the first and second paragraphs is pretty abrupt.<br />
<br />
There's several possible ways to address this, which could be mix-and-matched to what seems appropriate. The first I thought of, and probably most obvious way, would be to cut the paragraph entirely, or at least trim it down. This would get the reader right into the story, without the seemingly disconnected initial paragraph of information.<br />
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Another idea is to add a transition between the two paragraphs, some sort of “bridge” that gives the reader a heads' up that this information will be relevant later. For example, Sarah's comparison of herself to extremophiles could be moved earlier in the second paragraph to make the link more immediately clear.<br />
<br />
Alternately, there could be more of Sarah in the first paragraph. With only these three paragraphs to go on, I'm not sure if the Dry Valleys analogy continues throughout the rest of the scene, but if it is tied strongly to Sarah, this connection could be made clear from the very beginning by including her in that first paragraph. One thought I had is that instead of simply listing the facts, they could be presented as things Sarah read in a book or heard from someone else.<br />
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Any of these three options (and others I haven't thought of!) could improve the flow of the intro, making it more natural and easy for a reader to follow. And—just a personal thing—if it did stay in, I'd love to see this analogy continued throughout the rest of the scene. It's an effective analogy, but it's also a lot of setup to only be used once in the second paragraph.<br />
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Aside from that, while the descriptive phrases remained solid, the sentences at the end of the first and third paragraphs started to get a little perfunctory, which incidentally is a very fun word to say. They're straightforward and express all the information they need to, but that's it. Varying their structure and tying them together more could draw the reader along more smoothly. For example, in the third paragraph, is Sarah's dropping of the trunk related to her headache, or are they both symptoms of how she's feeling overall? A quick example of one way to do this:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The space between her temples throbbed unexpectedly, and Sarah's fingers loosened, her trunk slipping from them with a crash.</blockquote>
<br />
I feel that working this kind of information into those sentences would be a good way to not only keep the reader engaged, but also to inject the sentences with a little more of that great atmosphere-building description from the earlier sentences.<br />
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<b><br /></b>
<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
It's hard to say, really. It's not that I don't like the writing (I do) or that I think there's something fundamentally flawed about the intro or story (I don't), it's simply that there isn't a whole lot of the actual story and characters here, with so much of the piece taken up with the first paragraph. When focusing on these three, there's just not that extra push I need to go from “idly interested” to “must read now”—but I get the impression that if I just had one paragraph more, I'd be hooked. If the story started a little sooner or if the first paragraph flowed more smoothly into the second, that might just be enough for me.<br />
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Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-7291773793128734762014-06-21T10:13:00.000-07:002014-06-21T10:13:04.838-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #53<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<center>
<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Hafza @ <a href="http://nasty-hobbitses.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a><br /><b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Rebecca<br /><b>Working Title</b>: "Those Who Walk the Darkness"</center>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“Shh, yes, that’s it.” His mother’s voice guided his hand. There was a shift and he slipped. “Oh, be careful, it’s hard to get good ones like these now. They’ve started watching now.”<br />
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“But they can’t always be watching, right, Mummy?” His voice was small and childish in the flickering lamplight. There was a low laugh from beyond the edge of the light.<br />
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“That’s right, my son. They can’t always be on guard. The darkness cannot be banished for long, and they can’t escape the shadows forever.” He finished his last stroke and reached for the cloth to wipe. “You’re not finished yet.” His mother’s voice was sharp. He sighed as only a small child can, dramatic and exhaustive. “Moth-er!”<br />
<br />
“You know that we are not done. Come, I shall show you once more. But from then on you must do it properly yourself.”<br />
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She bent to the table and made two caressing movements with the knife. “Can I try it again, Mother?” She looked down at the little boy and smiled. “Not now, my child. Now, we must leave. The Coven is calling, and we have tarried here too long."<br />
<br />
“Come here now.” She gathered him in her cloak and disappeared in a swirl of shadows, leaving behind a lone figure on the table. As the lamp flickered out, the last fingers of light illuminated a girl’s face, mutilated and bloody, with two long cuts extending from the corners of her lips, stretched in one last gruesome grin.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
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<br />
<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
Wow, what a hook! I think this is a great place to start the story, sparking a lot of questions that the reader must keep reading to find out. Why is the Coven calling? Who was the girl, and what was their purpose in carving up her body? How many more bodies have they and will they get away with mutilating?<br />
<br />
But at the same time, I really love the contrast of that gruesome ending with the sweet interactions between a mother and child. There were a lot of great moments where the mother-child bond was shown really well:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
His mother’s voice guided his hand.</blockquote>
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As well as her “caressing” movements with the knife! Add into that the mystery of his mother always just outside of the lamplight, and her mysterious shadow-swirling powers, and we have a really intriguing set-up for a story!<br />
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<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
Making the reader ask some questions is a great tactic to keep them reading, but if the reader asks too many questions, they’ll start to lose their immersion in the story’s world. A lot of what this scene so far is missing is <b>setting</b>—where and when the mother and boy are located. Are they carving up the girl in their personal basement dungeon, or is this out in the woods under a full moon? Is it maybe even in the girl’s own house, where someone could walk in at any moment? Don’t feel pressured to come right out and tell us “This body is located in the basement of 221B Baker St,” but leaving little hints to allow the reader to draw their own conclusions will do the work for you.<br />
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For instance, I think we already have some idea of the time period from the mention of the flickering lamp. I assume this takes place sometime before electricity, when lanterns were common. So let’s look at the other furniture we have: the table. Is it a dining room table? An operating room table? Just an ordinary, nondescript oaken table, but with old stains and cuts carved into the wood? Think about what that table could add to the story with the perfect choice of detail, and perhaps there are other props in the immediate surrounding that can help set this scene as well.<br />
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A large portion of the lack of detail also stems from the scene’s tone and its balance of <b>Shock </b>and <b>Suspense</b>, the two building blocks of the horror genre. This scene was written with the intent to shock and scare with the big reveal at the end, which is a tried and true storytelling technique! But in order to convey that big shock, I think a lot of the details were withheld from the reader so it would be a greater surprise, resulting in a lot of ambiguous actions occurring in empty space.<br />
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This scene could benefit from more concrete details, but those details don’t necessarily have to ruin the surprise at the end. Instead, choosing to reveal the right details should instead ramp up the suspense and make the reader dread the final reveal even more.<br />
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For instance, what is the strongest surprise at the end of this scene? I would think that creepy grin and the girl’s dead body. Currently the scene neatly avoids it, and I can almost picture it like a movie camera, zooming in so we can’t tell what’s really going on! However, does the knife need to be hidden in the same way as the body? Let’s look at the first lines of action.<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
His mother’s voice guided his hand. There was a shift and he slipped.</blockquote>
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As I mentioned before, I love that first sentence. The construction is simple, but effective. Subject (voice) followed immediately by verb (guided) and direct object (hand). The first part of the next sentence though is written in the <b>passive voice</b>, “There was.” Those two words in combination tell the readers nothing, yet take up the most important roles in the sentence: subject and verb. The only reason they’re used is to avoid mentioning the knife to the reader. In fact, the final paragraph has such wonderful active and strong verb choices, I think all of the passive voice is a side effect of hiding information to make the twist that much more shocking.<br />
<br />
So let’s imagine the same sentence, but this time, show the reader the knife in the little boy’s hands. That sentence can instead read as “The knife shifted.” Or perhaps we’ll get more specific with how exactly its slicing, with “The knife stuck” or “The knife twisted”; or maybe even it’s the boy’s hands that are unsteady, and we can change it to:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The boy’s hands shifted and the knife slipped (in his grasp/and sunk in too far/etc.).</blockquote>
<br />
See how much clearer of an image we get from those sentences without even knowing what the knife is cutting? And you can bet the first question on the reader’s mind is “What the heck is that little boy doing with that knife?” But at the same time the right verb choice will make the reader who goes back to reread the scene cringe even more, which is exactly what we want them to do. <br />
<br />
Doing a quick read-through of the rest of these sentences and keeping an eye out for more passive voice and weak verbs will help solidify a lot of this scene’s details. For more examples on correcting passive voice, check out <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2014/01/first-250-words-smash-42.html" target="_blank">Word Smash #42</a>.<br />
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Finally, I want to touch on <b>dialogue </b>a bit. On my first read-through, I’m not sure how much information I got out of the dialogue, because I rushed through a lot of it to get to the action and figure out what the mother and son were doing. A lot of that will be corrected with the ambiguity and passive voice fixes I mentioned above, but then I will probably read through just as fast out of pure suspense. I don’t think that’s a bad thing for readers to do, but the writing should take that into account.<br />
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A lot of people advise eavesdropping and writing down conversations as people actually talk as an exercise to improve dialogue. While I think that is certainly an important step to get used to flow of conversations, I think it’s also important to remember that dialogue in fiction should cut a lot of the wasted words, like <i>um</i>'s and <i>Well</i>'s and all that filler we squeeze in while we think of what to say next. Contractions also help move the reader's eye along, unless a character is overly formal. While there's something to be said about Character Voice, dialogue can still be kept simple, so think really hard about every word, to make sure it is working towards either conveying information and moving plot, or revealing the character of the person speaking.<br />
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Try making a list of all the important info that the reader should get from the dialogue. For this scene, I would have things like mother teaching son, someone is onto their plans and "started watching", and “The coven is calling." Then I would try and cut the filler that gets in the way of the reader remembering that information. For instance, notice how you could take all of these bolded words out without changing the meaning of the dialogue:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“<b>Shh</b>, <b>yes</b>, that’s it.” [ ... ] “<b>Oh, be</b> careful, it’s hard to get good ones like these <b>now</b>. They’ve started watching <b>now</b>.”</blockquote>
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Personally, I’m especially harsh on interjections like “Oh” because I recognize that’s a problem in my own dialogue. Seriously. I’ll look at five lines in a row that all start "Well, Well, Well!" So sometimes I make arbitrary rules for myself, like only one "well" per scene. I probably wouldn't cut all the bolded words in that sentence, but I would take a moment and think, is this word working to reveal my character's voice and tone? For instance, that first <b>Shh</b>—perfect for showing the mother's caring tone and also perhaps the secrecy of the scene. I would vote keep!<br />
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On the other hand, I did notice a lot of “Now” recurring in this scene--five, in just six short paragraphs! I would recommend cutting the ones that aren't necessary for sentence meaning to avoid word overdose. Same for names and ways of addressing other characters. We already know from the action that these two are mother and son, so we don't need to hear that except when it's necessary (Like that whiny "Mooo-theeeerrr!").<br />
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And on a side note, it's usually good style to have a new paragraph begin when a new character speaks up. That way when readers are reading super fast because the scene is so intense, their eyes can use the empty space to keep track of who is speaking! In Paragraphs 3 and 5, I would make the lines of dialogue into new paragraphs, just so the reader has an easier time keeping track of who is speaking. And between paragraphs 5 and 6, I wouldn't put a break there unless there's a line of action or description in between.<br />
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<b><br /></b>
<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
Not yet, but I'm curious where you could go with these fixes. I already see a lot of those things working so well in that last paragraph, so I'm hopeful I won't be able to put the next version down!<br />
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Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-1954710211597812992014-06-15T16:19:00.001-07:002014-06-15T16:19:48.395-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #52<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<center>
<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Bree @ <a href="http://rnanqo.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a><br /><b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Annie<br /><b>Working Title</b>: Grim Magician</center>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
On the sixth of September, Aunt Joysa died. Calette didn't much care until a few weeks later, when her father spoke the name of the deceased in the middle of supper. He went on cutting his asparagus as though he thought he would get away with it, but her mother stilled in an instant and said, “Dalbern, I will speak with you later this evening.”<br />
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“Of course,” her father said, reaching for his wine with trembling hands. The children snuck glances at one another, except for Calette, who knew better.<br />
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The house was quiet by ten that night. Calette trailed her fingers over cold doorknobs as she moved down the hallway: six rooms for six children, all frozen silent. Now down the dark staircase, bare feet crushing the carpet, careful to avoid the creaky spots. If she met anyone, she was only going to the kitchen for some water. The sconces in the hallway flickered: someone was still up. She pressed her ear to the study door and held her breath.<br />
<br />
“…don’t want to hear it. Joysa is forgotten, disgraced—“<br />
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“Dalbern, don’t speak of her so,” her mother replied crisply. “We need to think of her children and of Parriam. This is graver than I think you realize—“<br />
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“Blast her children; we need to think of the business.” <br />
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“Parriam—“ <br />
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“I don’t give a damn what Parriam does right now.”<br />
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“You’ll have to. He’s withdrawn his support for the Richelieu venture.”<br />
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An awful silence took over the room.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
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<br />
<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
Oh, man, there’s so much I love about this! The tempo is excellent, the first sentence hooks you well, and there’s a real sense of deliberate language and word choice. I really feel like this is a polished sample!<br />
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There’s a lot of sensory details that get used throughout the piece, sprinkled sparingly, that have an excellent effect. My favorites are the cold doorknobs, the crushed carpets, and the flickering sconces. All the description gives me the feeling that I’m looking at a YA piece—the title, along with the gigantic manor that relies on sconces for light, all say “fantasy” to me, as well. It might be an MG sample, depending on Calette’s age.<br />
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I’m a particular fan of the use of subtext in the third sentence (“He went on cutting his asparagus as though he would get away with it, but her mother stilled in an instant…”). It does an excellent job of pairing a mild action with a tense description, and the reader immediately picks up on the fact that there’s a taboo that’s just been broached. The “trembling fingers” afterwards is icing on the cake.<br />
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<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
I like what’s going on here a lot, so my notes are mostly small things. I think it’s in a stage where it’s been revised once or twice, so most of what I feel this writing needs is tweaking.<br />
<br />
First, I’d like to look at <b>the first sentence</b>, and how <b>miniscule modifications can give a sentence a different punch</b>. Here’s how it stands now:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
On the sixth of September, Aunt Joysa died.</blockquote>
<br />
The meat of the sentence is in the second half, so I read this as leading the reader into the sentence with something innocuous, then smacking them upside the head with the news of a dead family member. But, personally speaking, it feels a little languid for a first sentence. This is all personal preference, but I might try changing around the clauses here to get right to the point.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Aunt Joysa died on the sixth of September.</blockquote>
<br />
It’s a snappier sentence that grabs the reader’s attention faster by a matter of seconds. As a bonus, it makes the odd part of the second sentence, that Calette doesn’t really care that a family member is dead, that much more apparent. But it also sets a different sense of pacing that might not exactly jive with the rest of the sample, as Calette comes across to me as a bit of a slower, more methodical character who may not state things as outright as in the first sentence. I can’t be sure without reading further.<br />
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This is definitely one of those smaller tweaks that will, ultimately, come down to personal taste. Since this sample feels pretty far along in the editing process, it’s reached the point where these miniscule choices, like how the small, important sentences are structured, become the focus. I would recommend trying an exercise like this to see what kinds of effects an altered bit of writing can give, so the final draft is a finely-tuned machine.<br />
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Next, let’s look at <b>voice in dialogue</b>. There’s a decent amount here, and there’s definitely been care taken to put a sense of voice in Calette’s observations and actions. But I think there’s a bit of work that could be done to the dialogue, particularly Calette’s mother, from whom we hear the most.<br />
<br />
This is a wealthy family, judging by the huge house, the individual bedrooms for all six children, and the plush carpeting. So I’m guessing Calette’s parents speak with an upper-class dialect and excellent diction. That’s all well and good, but it needs to be carefully written. As it stands, I feel like Callette’s mother (and to a lesser extent, her father) speaks in a monotone. I think it’s due to her mother being a very restrained woman and her father being a refined man, but it comes off a little mechanical.<br />
<br />
This is something that can be fixed with a little bit of rewriting—namely, a few word choices in and around the dialogue that could affect the mood and tempo. It seems like the conversation Calette overhears is a heated exchange, but I don’t necessary get that from the way they’re speaking. Though Dalbern is using some angry language, I don’t really see it in his tone. As it’s written, I could see him being anywhere from mildly disgruntled to furious. A few shifts in punctuation could assist this: an exclamation mark in his “I don’t give a damn” statement, perhaps. Another solution could be adding a few lines of stage direction. Since we’re restricted to an auditory cue, this is a little trickier, but the reader might be able to better infer where in the “angry” spectrum Dalbern sits. Is he pacing? Could he slam a fist against a hard surface? <br />
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These same ideas can be added to the mother’s side of the conversation. Most of the stiffness in her voice comes across in her longest sentence: “Dalbern, don’t speak of her so, […] this is graver than I think you realize.” Again, Calette can’t exactly tell the reader what her mother’s body language is, but Calette seems to have a good enough grasp of her parents to infer a few things. Particularly her mother’s tone of voice. What does Calette think her mother is trying to do in this conversation? Is she trying to make Dalbern see reason? Is she angry about Joysa? Is she impatient? How might that change her language or how she paces her sentences? How might she express this in any sort of audial stage direction Calette could pick up on?<br />
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On that note, I wanted to mention the choice to use <b>an adverb in a dialogue tag</b>. I don’t think “crisply” is quite the right word here. This piece is largely devoid of adverbs, instead using scene and setting to show the mood, and that’s great. <br />
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Adverbs don’t necessarily need to be stricken from all writing ever, but I think it’s volatile to use one in a dialogue tag, especially when tone and body language could be used instead. In this situation, of course, Calette’s listening, so she only has audio cues to go on. But if there’s a quick way using word choice to indicate her mood without the adverb, that’d be ideal.<br />
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The last thing I want to look at is relatively small, and involves <b>pacing with punctuation</b>. I’m looking at this sentence, here:<br />
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“The sconces in the hallway flickered: someone was still up.”<br />
<br />
There’s something about the use of the colon that doesn’t strike me as quite right for the moment. I feel like the revelation here, that someone is still awake, is more of a dramatic beat. It requires a definite pause, like someone taking a deep breath or waiting a moment for the dramatic tension to sink in (not to muddle things up, but in plays, it’s noted as a “beat” of silence). Slotting it in at the end of the sentence doesn’t quite do the beat justice; instead, it all flows together in a single sentence without much of a breath between the statements.<br />
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Let’s try it out in a couple of ways:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“The sconces in the hallway flickered. Someone was still up.”<br />
<br />
“The sconces in the hallway flickered—someone was still up.”<br />
<br />
“The sconces in the hallway flickered; someone was still up.”<br />
<br />
“The sconces in the hallway flickered.<br />
<br />
Someone was still up.”</blockquote>
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Each of these read with a subtly different pause between the two ideas. Disregarding the minutiae of what’s most grammatically correct, I feel the best fit for this set of phrases all comes down to what is most appropriate for the dramatic beat “someone was still up” creates. Personally, I lean towards separating them out into two sentences, but that’s more personal taste than editorial wherewithal. Like my discussion about the first sentence, this is another matter of fine-tuning, and I would suggest just experimenting with minute structure to see what happens.<br />
<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
Yes! As I said above, this is a polished work, and I think the rest of the story would carry out in the same fashion. I love how the setting is used sparingly, and there’s a lot of showing instead of telling. Just about all of my critiques are tweaks and nitpicks, but I feel like there’s already a lot of care being given to the voice and flow of the writing. I want to know what happened, and how it all ties back to Aunt Joysa, who was dead to begin with.<br />
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Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-90908576002029195782014-05-28T17:41:00.001-07:002014-05-28T17:41:50.607-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #51<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<center>
<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: M. Halter @ <a href="http://bluefox88.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr </a><br /><b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Katie<br /><b>Working Title</b>: N/A</center>
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Pain drove Shannon to her knees. One hand pressed to the grit of the floor, the other clapped against bruised ribs, fingers inspecting the rungs woven through her left lung where, deep within, the impeller of a pneumatic pump struggled to turn. Don’t cough…don’t— Stars swarmed her vision before she was through, and a nudging at the shutters again slammed the morning into focus. She grabbed the black-headed spear and unlatched the window, piebald head of a stallion barreling through, nostrils flared, ears thrust forward. Her soft laugh was a small victory.<br />
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“Ready, Atticus?”<br />
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They sighed as one, leaning against each other in wan light before he danced away and she followed, pulling low the brim of her shabby felt hat. By nightfall, their fields lay far behind them.<br />
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Shannon scouted ahead, watching for black ground beneath lengthening shadow, gritting her teeth at the whine of axle motors pulling iron wheels through deep ruts of a dry summer. She led Atticus from the road and into a copse on good soil, unhitching him to examine the catheter plugs dotting his body. Unbuckled leather boots fell away from his sloughing flesh, exposing the bioelectric prosthetics replacing everything below his rear hocks.<br />
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“They’ll graft new skin on your legs when we get there,” she rocked back on her heels, sighing, “but until then you need the boots.” </blockquote>
</blockquote>
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<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
We’re going on an adventure! There is a lot of action happening right away in this story, which should help to pull readers in and keep them engaged. A couple of questions spring to mind: Where are they going? Why are they semi-robotic? What happened to Shannon and/or her horse? There is an element of mystery that made me curious about the path of the story. Also, the use of machinery in conjunction with a rustic feel in the setting makes a sort of steampunk vibe, which is an interesting take! I got the feeling that an adventure was underway and I was dropped right before the thick of it, which is exciting to experience! I feel bad for the horse, even though he seems to be doing okay.<br />
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I also really liked the word choice! Saying “their fields lay far behind them” as opposed to “they covered a long distance” creates a more effective tone, implying that they have abandoned the familiarity of their home rather than just traveling aimlessly. This connotation is what helps create a bit of dramatic tension and makes me wonder where we’re going! Another bit that I liked was the description of the horse (“piebald head of a stallion <i>barreling through, nostrils flared, ears thrust forward</i>”), because these descriptive words lend to the feeling of impending action I don’t know a whole lot about horses, but his apparent enthusiasm told through his body language feels like he is poised, he’s ready to go, and he’s excited to embark on Shannon’s quest.<br />
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<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
I think one of the most important parts of setting a scene is the pacing. This passage starts out with “Pain drove Shannon to her knees,” something dramatic and troubling and mysterious, so I became concerned and found myself reading quickly from sentence to sentence. A tension blossoms in the shortness of sentence fragments:<br />
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<ul>
<li>the pain strikes</li>
<li>her hand braces her body</li>
<li>she touches her mechanical parts to try and figure out what’s wrong</li>
<li>she almost blacks out </li>
</ul>
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This quick succession of actions creates intensity. But then the emergence of her horse interrupts the scene and this feeling of urgency dissipates; having a “nudging at the window” slows down the narrative because it is a much more mild word compared to the “clap” she gives her ribs or the “slammed” feeling her mind gets in reaction to the horse’s appearance. <br />
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As a whole, I think the transitions need to be looked over. The initial setting seems to be in a building, perhaps in the morning, which is perfectly fine on its own, but there is no easing into the next bit where Shannon and Atticus are apparently outside. This can just be a tiny note, like, “She met him beside the window,” or, “She climbed through the window and landed at his side.” <br />
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Then, I would consider the space they cover on their travel: is it an easy, familiar ride? Are they nervous to be far from home? There is a lot of great implied emotion right before they take off on their quest (the pain bringing her to her knees, the fidgeting with her robotic parts, the laugh she gives when Atticus appears): more small notes like this in the new surroundings that suggest the nature of the ride itself would really help to build up the feeling (i.e. how the characters are reacting to their situation), which can oftentimes be more effectual than describing the physical scene. <br />
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Fixing up the transitions from scene to scene will help to create a better, smoother overall flow to the story so reading along is easy and natural-feeling.<br />
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Another idea I had was this: I think a great way to really understand how a paragraph or passage flows is to read it aloud. I would try this to find instances of accidental rhyming, such as “fingers inspecting the <b>rungs</b> woven through her left <b>lung</b>”, or to pinpoint missing words, such as within the following: “She … unlatched the window, piebald head of a stallion barreling through.” This way, hearing the words can help find quirks that reading them silently can’t.<br />
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<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
I think if you tweak what you’ve got, you could really have something here! I like the idea of combining futuristic technologies with more rustic elements, and I think you could definitely root some emotional and political feelings in biotechnology that could definitely spark some interesting discussions. I want to know about Shannon and Atticus’ respective history and future, and what their journey holds for them!<br />
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Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-65776663314980397422014-05-10T15:45:00.000-07:002014-05-10T15:45:23.260-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #50<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Nidoran @ <a href="http://brusherpike.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a> <br /><b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Sarah<br /><b>Working Title</b>: Thief<br /><br /><br />
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Kaslen always thought herself to be a very good thief. The guards who caught her stealing, however, did not.<br /><br />She sat on a wooden bench in a dank prison cell so old that moss grew between the stones that made up the floor and walls. The cell had a single window, only a foot tall and twice as wide with iron bars added to obstruct both the view and any chance at escape.<br /><br />She’d only been there a few hours (not even long enough to get a meal of stale bread and murky water), and her sentence wasn’t a long one. For the crime of stealing a single apple from a stall in the market, her punishment was to be imprisoned for one night or lose a hand. Being an intelligent thief in addition to a very good thief, Kaslen chose the former. <br /><br />Despite the guards thinking that she was one of the worst thieves they’d ever had the pleasure of putting in prison, Kaslen had the delight in knowing that everything had gone according to plan. So long as everyone suspected the contrary, Kaslen would always rest easy knowing that she was indeed a very good thief.<br /><br />Kaslen’s sentence was so short the guards didn’t make her change into prison rags, as was typical. Instead, they took her boots, socks, and worn leather vest full of empty pockets (she left her valuables with someone she thought was trustworthy) so all she had left was her sleeveless undershirt and leggings.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br /><br /><b>Strong Points –</b><br />The strongest thing that resonated most with me was Kaslen’s voice. She comes through in every single sentence, and she sets the tone and the mood pretty darn effortlessly. Everything in the passage was an easy read, easy to follow, and Kaslen’s voice is a big part of that. Seriously, voice is such a pivotal component in fiction, especially for teen and kid fiction, so to be able to manage a good balance of it is A+.<br /><br />And, on a similar note, I love the overall tone of what I’m about to get into. There’s this twisted seriousness that doubles back on itself and actually reads contrarily. An example is this line: “her punishment was to be imprisoned for one night or lose a hand. Being an intelligent thief in addition to a very good thief, Kaslen chose the former.” It’s the type of subtle humor that I really enjoy, and it keeps the tone almost airy.<br /><br /><br /><b>Some Tips –</b><br />The writing itself is pretty solid, so the stuff I’m going to talk about is more conceptual – stuff to consider beyond prose. Story stuff. Yeah. So, let’s start with the biggest thing.<br /><br />The intro is primarily <b>setup</b>, not the story. In this case, we get to hear a lot about the stuff that happened <i>before </i>the story begins. Kaslen was caught stealing something, Kaslen was put in a cell, Kaslen’s sentence was decided to be short, Kaslen had a trustworthy person hold her important things – but little about Kaslen <i>now</i>, in the moment, when the story actually begins.<br /><br />Setup often answers questions before they’re asked, or gives answers before the answers are actually needed. The result, in this case, is a very slow start. Sometimes stories can get away with this, especially Middle Grade or the 200k word epic fantasy or space opera.<br /><br />(What a weird duality. But also keep in mind that there’s always exceptions.)<br /><br />But what we have to decide is how absolutely necessary it is to explain these things right now, delaying the start of the actual story. Is it possible that, maybe, the story started too late? If we need to give so much background information, should the story actually start sooner? Should the reader be <b>shown </b>these events rather than <b>told</b>?<br /><br />Or, is the story very much starting at the right place, and these moments of setup should be dropped in <b>as needed</b>, rather than all in the beginning?<br /><br /><i>Or</i> it could be that the story is just fine as it is. In the end, it’s a creative choice, and that’s all incredibly subjective. The opening as it is reminds me of “Throne of Glass” by Sarah J Maas, if I remember correctly (it’s been a whiiile), where the opening started right with the main character in the action of being dragged to face judgment after being arrested. I loved that, I did, and while the long and frequent jumps into story setup bugged the heck out of me, I continued on anyway.<br /><br />So, ultimately, it’s a creative call for the writer to make based on what their story, which they know best, needs.<br /><br />The few other issues I had were much smaller. First, let’s talk about the <b>opening lines</b>.<br /><br />I could see why the two first sentences are there, since it comes around again in the third paragraph (though, to be honest, I missed the connection initially – it might have been because I had a short interruption while reading, but I can’t be sure), but to me the opening lines feel again like <b>setup</b>. A delay in the actual start of the story to make a superfluous point that the story later on might elaborate upon through showing instead of telling.<br /><br />On top of that, the opening line is reiterated several types throughout the intro, and while this might have been by design, it felt a bit redundant to me. On one hand, it felt like Kaslen was trying really hard to convince herself she’s actually a good thief, while in fact may very well not be, but on the other hand, it felt like a lot of echoes for only the first page.<br /><br />Finally, and this is just the fashion history nerd in me – I sort of mentally placed the story as a medieval fantasy (because of the cell and the laws of the world), but the description of the clothes threw me for a loop, what since the terminology is very modern as opposed to medieval. <br /><br />So, the two contradicting elements weren’t agreeing with me. This might be cleared up if I was to read on, or it might actually be an inconsistency. I don’t know yet.<br /><br />But, a good thing to always keep in mind is that credible fantasy worlds have a foundation on real history. Things came about for particular reasons, whether with technology or trade or travel. Fashion is equal parts available resources, trends, laws, religion, and so on. <br /><br />So, when I see a medieval-type cell but modern clothing such as leggings and socks, I’m not sure what to expect.<br /><br />(And, because I took a class on the evolution of western fashion, I’m going to be one of those snubs who notices little inconsistencies.)<br /><br /><br /><b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />Despite the slow start and the things I said about all the setup, I actually would. I’m intrigued by the question of Kaslen in jail for stealing an apple, because it all seemed planned?? And I want to know why?? I mean, she says she’s a good thief, but then lets herself get caught for stealing an apple??? Mysteries.<br />
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♥ x 2,714 (Don't ask why.)<br />
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<br />Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-69946986681188272152014-04-26T13:17:00.000-07:002014-04-30T11:40:09.861-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #49<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Jay @ <a href="http://kardiajay.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a><br />
<b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Ange<br />
<b>Working Title</b>: The Burning Ones<br />
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As ashes of failed rebellion settle, she is the last breathing fighter. Her cage suspends four yards above ground in the middle of city square, too short for her spine to straighten and too narrow for her muscles to relax. Those who once believed in her dangle a short way above, their decay battering her weathered face. She has not spoken a word.<br />
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“That girl is made of titanium.” A Justitia whistles.<br />
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Twenty-two protons. Strongest lightweight metal. Corrosion-resistant. Highly flammable.<br />
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The town gathers to watch her time come. Cameras pan from rooftops, grasping every angle possible for the rest of the Utopia. Rows of soldiers bow as the Chairman arrives in robe and mask—no lens may taint his image.<br />
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At the snap of his fingers, her cage descends. She wobbles against rusted bars, arms having been sawed off after the decisive battle. Two soldiers march forth with barrels in hand and douse her. She scowls at the stench, worse than her decomposing allies. Petroleum.<br />
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“Execution order: 28th of February, Year 401 Après Unification, rebel leader who shall not be named!”<br />
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No one will know her identity. Mention of this incident is forbidden beyond this broadcast, because enemies of the Utopia deserve no second thought. The Chairman ignites a match while staring into her striking blue eyes, unwavering like a crouching wolf’s.<br />
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“I will see you again. Soon,” he whispers.<br />
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The meaning of his words dispel as the arc of flame comes for her.</blockquote>
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<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
Wow, I absolutely love the plot, the idea behind all that’s going on in this text. It’s intriguing, it drew me right in and wow, yes. This scene makes me, as a reader, thirsting to know what happens next. I didn’t initially understand that the girl was made of titanium, and not the cage, but once I did -- wow! It adds a whole new level to the plot.<br />
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I can feel the remnants of a failed rebellion, and the fact that this girl who’s made of titanium is also the leader of the failed rebellion, added to the fact that she’s made of titanium and titanium is a strong metal, suggests how difficult it is to rebel. If she couldn’t make it, who will? Plus, the “I will see you soon” comment from the Chairman, holy smokes, my brain went buzzing with questions. Intriguing, indeed. <br />
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Moreover, I especially like the description of the Chairman, and how he wears a mask so that no lens can “taint his image.” It’s a very neat addition, and gives the reader some insight into who he is. <br />
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Furthermore, I like the overall tone to the writing, and most especially, how it gives a glimpse into the conditions of this world. It’s clearly a dictatorship, and from what I’ve read I’m assuming it’s a world that doesn’t work as well as it should, i.e. a dystopia. This leads me to another thing I really like, calling the place “Utopia”, it creates a wonderful contrast between the meaning of the word and a place that clearly does not embody that meaning. Plus, I have a soft spot for a good dystopian story. I’m getting all giddy about this. <br />
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<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
First of all, the advice below is purely based on my own subjective opinion, and you do not have to agree with me. With that said, let’s begin. <br />
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I’m going to start with a few general tips before I dig into the details. This scene feels like a prologue to me. It feels like the first page of a novel that is only there for one reason, and one reason only: to create suspense. Usually, after this page comes the first chapter, and very rarely does this chapter pick up right where the prologue left off. <br />
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It is a great intro, because it does create suspense and it manages to draw me in as a reader. However, will the force that dragged me in still be there after another three chapters? This is my worry. There’s a risk with putting this kind of scene before the actual beginning of the story. Even though it may create some insight, it may also create high expectations for the rest of the novel. I’m not saying it’s necessarily a negative action, but I’m saying treat it with caution. <br />
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I would also like more details surrounding the people and the city. How does it look? How do the people look? Are they happy, sad, angry, relieved, scared, etc? Are they well off, or are they wearing worn-down clothes? What about the soldiers? Are their expressions empty or is there some kind of emotion? What emotion if so? Is the city large or small? Is there a lot of grass or does concrete dominate? What kind of robe and mask does the Chairman wear? Do dark or light colours dominate his clothes? Adding some of these details facilitates the setting of the scene and atmosphere surrounding the event portrayed which in turn helps the reader make sense of what they are supposed to picture.<br />
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Those were the general points. Onto the finer details.<br />
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The first paragraph is a little too vague for my taste. Let me illustrate: <br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
... too short for her spine to straighten, too narrow for her muscles to relax. </blockquote>
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“Short” is not a word I’d use in this context, although I understand what this sentence is trying to tell me, the presence of the word “short” interrupts the creation of my mental image of this cage. I would instead choose another word that could more clearly convey what the text is trying to describe. An example could be “low”, as in the roof of the cage is too low, or as an alternative: “constrained”. <br />
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At the end of the first paragraph, two words interrupt the flow of the text for me. “Battering” is the first word. Dictionary.com’s definition of “batter” (as it is used in this context) is as follows: <br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
verb (used with object)<br />
1. to beat persistently or hard; pound repeatedly <br />
2. to damage by beating or hard usage <br />
<br />
verb (used without object)<br />
3. to deal heavy, repeated blows; pound steadily</blockquote>
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Here’s why I’m referencing a dictionary: the word batter means to deliver a punch, or to be worn down from being well used. Synonyms to “batter” include “assault”, “demolish”, and “wreck”. My impression is that these people’s “decays” aren’t destroying titanium girl. Their “decays” are falling onto her face. I would exchange “battering” for a word with a more appropriate meaning in relation to the context, provided that my conclusion is correct. An example of such a word could be “dropping”, or “falling”. <br />
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The second word is “decay”. “Decay” is quite vague in telling the reader what state these people are in, since there are different stages of decay. Whenever a word is vague, it blurs the reader’s picture of the scene, and unless the reader is supposed to be confused, it serves no purpose other than complicating the reading experience. The text would need a more specific word or description to pinpoint exactly what is happening between the bodies of those who believed in titanium girl.<br />
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While on the topic of vague words I’d like to mention two more things that contribute to the vagueness of the text. The first one is in the first paragraph:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
... in the middle of city square ...</blockquote>
<br />
I know which city square the text is referring to, but, for the text to flow better I would like it to be more specific. One way could be adding a “the” before city, or “Utopia’s” before city. I would have excluded this if it weren’t for the fact that the text excludes a distinction on two other occasions. The difference is, however, that in those two it works, whereas in this case it becomes a bit too vague. <br />
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The second thing I’d like to bring up is something that rendered me confused, and still does. Almost at the end of the scene, there’s a line that goes:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The Chairman ignites a match while staring into her striking blue eyes, unwavering like a crouching wolf’s. </blockquote>
<br />
What confused me is this: who’s eyes are unwavering like a crouching wolf’s? Hers or the Chairman’s? It’s a very important distinction, because this likeness implies that one of them is measuring the other in preparation for an attack against an enemy or a prey. <br />
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I’d like to leave with one last thing: sometimes simple is better than complex. On several occasions the text felt a bit like it was trying to be more advanced by using more advanced words (perhaps a little too advanced). The problem was that said words weren’t always correctly used, which hinders the text rather than facilitates it. <br />
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<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
As I said, this feels like a prologue to me. Whether it is one or not, it feels a lot like one. I know little of what to expect from the rest of the story because of it, which is why I’m not sure I would continue reading. I would turn the page to where the story properly begins, but I’m not sure how many pages after that I’d read. But, on the other hand, I’m a sucker for a good dystopian novel.<br />
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If I had more insight into the rest of the story, I’d have a clearer answer. For now I’m going to say a positive probably! <br />
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Good luck!<br />
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Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-50265534094155178832014-04-23T19:19:00.000-07:002014-04-23T19:19:42.814-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #48<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: AwayLaughing @ <a href="http://awayandlaughing.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a><br />
<b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Aly<br />
<b>Working Title</b>: In Living Memory<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Neiar, who was half asleep from a long day of doing nothing, jerked awake when the large doors of the antechamber banged open and yet another woman was escorted in by black clad Sentries. With her she brought the crackle of magic, strong and clear despite the dampening spells. The girl next to Near leaned subtly toward him, one hand coming to his arm, squeezing gently.<br />
<br />
“Hedgewitch, maybe,” she said, voice pitched low. Neiar nodded, his own fingers clutching at his chair. The woman who came in was tall, hair a vibrant red. She wore simple but clean clothing with no adornment, likely not a College wife, or a member herself then.<br />
<br />
“Hra Yanta Fletcher,” an old, stately man spoke, voice like rasping paper. Unlike Neiar and the Chroniclers, this man was dressed in vivid oranges and blues, the peacock to their sparrow. “You are here before this emergency assembly today because you claim both twins,” he looked pointedly at her stomach, “and family magics. If these claims be false leave now. If not, come forward and state your full claim.”<br />
<br />
The woman didn't hesitate, she stepped toward them with her back straight. “I am Yanta Fletcher, daughter of Malol ki-Rant. I am mother to a promising runecrafter, and through marriage claim cousin-kin to the 52nd Memories.” The declaration sent a shock through the crowd, and Neiar's stomach plummeted, bile creeping up his throat. The girl on his right squeezed his arm again, though he saw her fingers shaking.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
There’s some strong word choice here that I really enjoy. “The crackle of magic” and “the peacock to their sparrow” are particularly evocative phrases that give the writing a unique feel, not just repeating the same old clichés. The balance between dialogue and action was also well-done. Not focusing wholly on one or the other kept the scene from stagnating, and allowed for world-building at the same time as moving the action along.<br />
<br />
On that note, there’s a clear emphasis on world-building that is both promising and attention-grabbing. Again it gives me the feeling that this story is something new and original, and that’s enticing to a reader who may have read hundreds of fantasy novels before. A good way to hook one of these readers is by immediately showing why your book is different, whether it’s interesting characters, a unique setting, or a gripping plot.<br />
<br />
And—this is just a personal thing—I really like books that don’t handhold you with pages of info-dumping before letting you get on with the story. I enjoy when I’m allowed to learn about the world through the story itself.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
However… there’s such a thing as too <i>much </i>world-building. Or at least too much world-building all at once. There’s simply so much stuffed in there that I don’t have space to be intrigued, I’m just confused—and I’ve read it several times! The section tells me that there’s something important about magic, there’s some fellows named “Sentries” that appear to be guards, there’s a College, everyone’s clothing is really relevant, there’s Chroniclers, twins and family magic matter for some reason, there’s some sort of legal claim associated with this, there’s both hedgewitches and runecrafters (whatever each is in this context), there’s something called the “52nd Memories”, and that’s either repulsive or really bad. That is… an awful lot of things for a reader to keep track of in the first four paragraphs!<br />
<br />
In short, it needs to get cut down.<br />
<br />
In the first pages of a story, the reader doesn’t know anything about the world. They have no idea what details are vital to the opening scene, and which are irrelevant and could be skimmed over at first. Instead, the narrative has to do that work for them, focusing on the most important information in the scene, the stuff that absolutely must be introduced. (In this case, it appears to be things like the nature of magic, the twins, whatever the 52nd Memories is, etc.) Highlighting the most important bits while minimizing less-important details or moving them elsewhere lets you regulate what the reader learns and when.<br />
<br />
An example:<br />
<br />
She wore simple but clean clothing with no adornment, likely not a College wife, or a member herself then. <br />
<br />
Not knowing the world or characters, I don’t know if this is actually going to be important later on, but it doesn’t seem hugely relevant in this context. Consider moving minor details like this later in the story, to a scene where they’re more immediately important or to a scene less focused on world-building in general.<br />
<br />
At the same time, for all these broad world-building details, there’s not a whole lot of context given to the <i>immediate </i>details. The scene could benefit from adding more of these—describing where the settings are, why they’re there, who else is in the room, and so on. Starting a story quickly and getting right to the action is a good way to avoid the trap of too <i>much </i>description, but too little runs the risk of not giving the reader the context they need to understand a scene. Expanding the intro or starting earlier could offer the space to add in those descriptive details. As with world-building details, there needs to be a balance between too many details and not enough, but in this case I think there’s room for a little more.<br />
<br />
Other than that, watch out for repetition. An example is with the woman’s introduction.<br />
<br />
yet another woman was escorted in<br />
<br />
With her she brought the crackle of magic<br />
<br />
The woman who came in was tall<br />
<br />
There’s nothing wrong with each of these phrases in isolation, but when put together, it’s an awful lot of “a woman entered the room”. Consider how phrases flow overall, not just in their immediate context. <br />
<br />
Finally, I’d like to see more of Neiar’s character. I get the impression he’s the main or at least viewpoint character, but aside from him seeming appalled or upset by the mention of the 52nd Memories, we don’t get much about how <i>he </i>views the scene and why. This goes hand-in-hand with expanding the scene to give more description and context, but it’s something to pay particular attention to.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
Not yet. Like I said, I like books that let you work out the world as you go along. But here, it’s too much of a good thing. A balance needs to be struck between giving the reader the information they need and overloading them with unnecessary details. Unfortunately, right now the balance is leaning pretty far toward the “overload” side of the scale. Work on focusing the reader’s attention only on the most relevant details, and I think it’d make for an even stronger and more gripping intro. Best of luck!<br />
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Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-17879132798187821522014-04-16T22:58:00.000-07:002014-04-16T22:58:21.470-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #47<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Darcy Addams @ <a href="http://corporalofthedamned.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a><br />
<b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Rebecca<br />
<b>Working Title</b>: Purple Violets<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The money's all they need, the guys on the door know them. Arthur had picked the place out a few years ago, solely for the fact they gave you a wrist band instead of 'one of those horrible tramp stamps'. The muffled base of the music flared out as they entered the building, the noise instantly clamped down on their ears. Bodies milled, sliding past each other, detailed silhouettes in the dim lighting. Coloured lights threw tints over the walls, faces flashed green for a split second, black lace glowed crimson.<br />
<br />
“Do you think Mike's got the base amped up more than usual?” Arthur whispered half jokingly as they pushed their way passed a group of girls, cyber dreads laced into their hair. He called it a whisper, but really it was a stage whisper shouted over the music thudding into their bones. Pierre shrugged, personally he liked the way the base reverberated through the floorboards, filling the room. Like a defibrillator, it jolted his heart in to wake-up mode.<br />
<br />
“You're going to boil in that,” Arthur tugged at the cuff of his friends velvet jacket.<br />
<br />
“We'll see, it'll be worth it on the walk home.”<br />
<br />
Arthur himself was braving the cold in a dress shirt and black waistcoat with straps buckled across the chest.<br />
<br />
“You'll just have to be the epitome of chivalry and lend it to me when we get outside.” He patted the taller male on the shoulder, smiling in mock sweetness.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
This intro creates a really strong sense of setting from a variety of different senses. I almost feel as overwhelmed as the characters by the lights and sounds. Some lines that I really liked include:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Coloured lights threw tints over the walls, faces flashed green for a split second, black lace glowed crimson.<br />
<br />
Like a defibrillator, it jolted his heart in to wake-up mode.</blockquote>
<br />
There are some really strong verb choices that keep the description active and in the moment so we don't feel overburdened right at the beginning. My favorite might be the "sliding" bodies, which gives us a bonus to really feeling the sweaty crowd and the fluidity of their dancing all in one go!<br />
<br />
You also have some great, specific choices for nouns, like cyber dreads (which after a quick google search I did find out are a real thing and not just fiberoptic connections you can braid in your hair that light up and connect to your favorite social networking medium, but I think the term still resonates with futuristic imagery!) and velvet jackets. This isn't just any old club, but it's also never straight out said that this is a goth club--a great example of showing vs. telling! <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
There are a few grammar issues throughout, so it might benefit from another look-over (watch the mix-up of "base" <i>bottom </i>with "bass" <i>wubwubwub</i>. A big issue that kept cropping up is the dreaded comma splice.<br />
<br />
Comma splices often lead to run-on sentences which can create a lot of problems in the <b>flow </b>of a story. It might help to take a step back and make sure some of these commas aren't used to link two separate sentences by accident. If both phrases around a comma can stand by themselves, they can either be broken up with a period, or connected with some sort of conjunction (and, but, although, when, etc.). For instance, let's look at the first sentence:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The money's all they need, the guys on the door know them.</blockquote>
<br />
For this sentence, it seems like there could be a connecting link between those two ideas:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The money's all they need, <b>because </b>the guys on the door know them. (<i>So they don't need to show their ids.</i>)<br />
The money's all they need, <b>but </b>the guys on the door know them. (<i>So they let them in for free.</i>)<br />
The money's all they need, <b>and </b>the guys on the door know them. (<i>What more reasons do you need to go?</i>)<br />
The money's all they need <b>when </b>the guys on the door know them. (<i>But not when it's that other guy who's always forgetting their faces, God, I hate that guy, rude.</i>)</blockquote>
<br />
At other times though, don't be afraid to break up longer sentences and change up the rhythm for that extra special emphasis punch!<br />
<br />
For instance, the comma splices also happen in my favorite line about the "coloured lights" and "black lace." It could be argued that the comma splices are left here intentionally to give the reader that same pulsing feeling as the strobe lights, but because the comma splice is a recurring problem, my faith is shattered just enough that I see a grammar mistake rather than a stylistic choice. However, this sentence could also be broken up. Compare these two options:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Coloured lights threw tints over the <b>walls. Faces</b> flashed green for a split <b>second, and/then</b> black lace glowed crimson."<br />
<br />
"Coloured lights threw tints over the <b>walls, and</b> faces flashed green for a split <b>second. Black </b>lace glowed crimson."</blockquote>
<br />
To me the first sentence seems to be zooming in from a larger picture (perhaps could benefit from replacing "Walls" with "The crowd" or "The dance floor" so it stays connected to the people, like our other nouns, faces and lace?) to two close-ups. Using "then" rather than "and" also makes it very sequential—first one flash of color, then the next.<br />
<br />
The second option feels like the last sentence is adding more force to the same point made by the first two, but with just a little more <i>intimacy</i>. Especially with the emphasis on that black lace, now at the beginning of its own sentence. Rrrow.<br />
<br />
And those aren't the only two options available! Read it aloud. See what flows—and what doesn't! It doesn't matter ultimately which way you choose (even if it breaks grammar rules, although I recommend doing so on a limited basis) so long as it is a CHOICE. There are other great discussions of flow in critiques <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2014/01/first-250-words-smash-44.html" target="_blank">44</a> and <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2013/12/first-250-words-smash-41.html" target="_blank">41</a>.<br />
<br />
While this scene is told in 3rd person perspective, I can see some character voice coming through in the narration, which is great! However, there were a few instances when it didn't seem so seamlessly integrated, and it confused me instead.<br />
<br />
First, the "tramp stamps" line threw me off since I think of tramp stamps occurring on only one body part—and it's not the back of a wrist. For a second I took it literally and thought this was a gang requiring secret tattoos before you could join! Common sense eventually intervened, but I think part of what was tripping me up is that this detail is sprung before we even get a real sense of the characters or setting yet, and it leaves a lot up to inference. First they are an ambiguous "they," then we are hardly introduced to Arthur before we are hearing him quoted about his preferred method of club entry. I think it would help to be a little more obvious and tack on an "as Arthur called them" or some other phrasing to make it extra clear. Then the reader should be safely correct in their assumptions.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile in paragraph 2, I got stuck on the pronoun confusion over who is calling Arthur's speech a whisper. Is this Arthur himself reading his dialogue tags out loud? Or Pierre (who I assume to be our limited-pov character) calling it a stage whisper in his own narration? <br />
<br />
I really like the image of someone trying to speak over the din of loud music and their yells coming across as a whisper to the person right next to them. But to me, it seemed like there was too much emphasis on terminology, and then in the middle of it all, there's that blurb of description about the cyber dread girls. It creates this disjointed gap in the narration that breaks up the flow.<br />
<br />
But why worry about the dialogue tag and who's calling it what? Skip all that and get straight to the description of Arthur's voice. I think it would be easier to just tell us exactly how loud it is in comparison to the noise in the room, and then have the description move on to the cyber dreads. When in doubt, simplify! And that should help the flow of that entire line, so the reader doesn't have time to drift away from that description only to be whipped back for more. (For extra help on dialogue tags, they have been covered very well in past Word Smashs <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2013/10/first-250-words-smash-37.html" target="_blank">37</a> and <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2014/01/first-250-words-smash-42.html" target="_blank">42</a>!)<br />
<br />
And when writing descriptions, in addition to getting pretty words down on the page, it's important to make sure those words all make sense together. Let's take a look at this line:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The muffled base of the music <b>flared out</b> as they entered the building, the noise instantly <b>clamped down</b> on their ears.</blockquote>
<br />
The flaring of the music is great about capturing that feeling of opening up when entering a new, big space. But then immediately, that idea is contradicted by the noise "clamping down," which gives a sense of something closing violently. Rather than expanding on the idea of the noise in an open space, the rest of the description leaves the reader feeling more confused than anything. But that's okay! There's some great experimentation going on here. Maybe a few different word choices will make that second sentence jive better with the first, or maybe it will be axed to let the first part shine on its own. Just like with the flow I mentioned above, some conscious decision-making that tweaks what works in the piece and cuts what doesn't work will make the whole read cohesive, clean, and beautiful!<br />
<br />
The rest flows well from there. Too well, even. The only thing this intro is missing is a taste of the <b>conflict</b> these characters will face in the story. I don't have any sense from this intro yet of what that could be, other than the fact these characters have temperature regulation differences. While I highly doubt the story is going to climax over an epic battle at the thermostat, I have no idea whether this will be a supernatural thriller about two vampires who target their victims in dance clubs or whether this is a romantic comedy about dating misadventures in the goth club scene.<br />
<br />
The story could benefit from starting closer to the first major conflict or tension. It could have something to do with the reason Pierre and Arthur are at the club in the first place. Are they hoping to accomplish some goal at the club, or see someone in particular? What makes this club night different from the typical ones they experience? Is a fire going to break out any second? Is a rival going to punch Arthur in the face? Experiment with fast-forwarding to that moment when everything begins. Even a slight change in tone with certain words or key pieces of dialogue could fuel the reader's suspense and desire to keep reading.<br />
<br />
Because while I think this scene is set up well in terms of balancing between dialogue and description and all those juicy active verbs, what I really want is this same skill of setup around the first conflict that turns this ordinary night into a story I can't put down. <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
Alas, no for now. Although there's a lot that I like in this scene and descriptions, I want a little more that will tell me what plot-relevant incident is going to happen at this club to change your character's lives forever! But I think you will get there. Feel free to resubmit, because when you get this right, I think I'll be hooked! <3<br />
<br />
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Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-83614730268129338212014-04-15T15:42:00.000-07:002014-04-15T15:42:34.315-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #46<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Erin Copland @ <a href="http://erincopland.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a> <br />
<b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Annie<br />
<b>Working Title</b>: N/A<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Zaima could hear a woman screaming from outside the door. She didn’t bother knocking, but limped into the little cottage and paused on the threshold. There was a scent of blood and stale sweat, and the feeble candlelight barely illuminated the main room, just enough to show a man sitting at a table.<br />
<br />
“Good evening, Goodman Tanner.”<br />
<br />
“Took you long enough.”<br />
<br />
“I’m afraid my mule has a bad leg, so I had to—” A woman’s scream cut her off. “Well. I’m here now.”<br />
<br />
Zaima moved to go into the back bedroom, but he blocked her way.<br />
<br />
“What’s your hurry? It’s not like she’s gonna die.” He laughed at her silence, and Zaima gripped the head of her cane tightly when he grabbed her arm.<br />
<br />
“I think you’re awfully pretty, for a cripple,” he said. “Of course, I’m kind hearted.”<br />
<br />
Zaima gritted her teeth. “Of course. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll see to your wife.”<br />
<br />
Tanner sneered at her before collapsing at the table again and taking a long pull from his mug. Zaima nodded and walked into the back room.<br />
<br />
She tried not to wrinkle her nose at the stench that was stronger in this room, an odor of prolonged childbirth. She opened one of the windows, lingering.<br />
<br />
“There. That’s a bit better.”<br />
<br />
A candle cast flickering shadows on a woman lying in a bed, dripping with sweat, her hands gripping the sheets as she tried to hold back another howl.<br />
<br />
“Let it out, Goodwife Tanner,” Zaima said.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
<br />
There’s a sort of sparseness of language that really works here. It’s very clean, it keeps things tense, and I love how the short dialogue and the short word choice keeps time with the brief sentences. There’s something very Hemingway-esque about it.<br />
<br />
The dialogue is also very nice. There’s a voice to each of the characters here, even if we only get a little from them. The language used and the flow of the sentences give a very good sense of how each sentence is meant to be read, mood-wise. That’s pretty important, given how dialogue tags are used in the piece. They only show up when necessary. That’s something I like, as well, though I hope the rest of the dialogue reads as easily without tags.<br />
<br />
My favorite, by far, though, is the tension! It’s an uneasy scene, and I’m a pretty big fan of how the language and the dialogue really comes together to form the mood for this sequence. That’s not easy!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
<br />
I think what this scene needs most is tweaking—nothing big and dramatic, but a couple little things that can really punch up the writing.<br />
<br />
One of them is about <b>setting</b>. I’m not talking about world-building or anything like that. What I mean is that this piece has a lot to say about the characters, but not much to say about the places they live in or the objects they touch. It’s something that can happen when you get exhausted by reading page after page of long, flowery prose detailing the weather and a blade of grass and the exhaustive family history of the guy mowing the lawn. Nobody likes too much of that kind of stuff!<br />
<br />
But this is sort of the opposite. There’s a cottage, and there’s a table, and there’s a chair, and there’s a bed. This is a set, and these are props. But here’s the thing—I want to see as much life in these things as I see in the characters. I don’t mean there should be breaks here where a character carefully surveys their environment for, like, fifteen minutes. I mean there’re a lot of things a woman like Zaima can notice about a place like the Tanner’s homestead. And there’re a lot of small things that can tell you about the kind of people the Tanners are.<br />
<br />
I’d love a few details dropped here and there into the prose. Little things, like the state of the floor, or how well the furniture has been cared for. I’m getting the sense that this is a low-tech setting. Is the house well cared-for? What kind of house do the Tanners keep? Has that changed since the Goodwife has been with child? Goodman Tanner seems like he’s been drinking for some time. Does he look drunk? How does that manifest in his body language or his complexion?<br />
<br />
There’s a few places where I feel the description that’s already in place could be pushed just a little more. I love the “odor of prolonged childbirth,” but I wish there was a bit more to tell me what that smelled like. Sweat? Sickness? Warmth? Cloying Stickiness? Birth is not a pretty picture, and Zaima would be familiar with it all. <br />
<br />
You can craft a lot of good metaphors and symbols for your characters through the way they present themselves and their home environments, because they can impart so much in such a short span of time. Little details, plopped into the prose, would make the setting feel as real as the characters do.<br />
<br />
<b>My second thing</b> is a bit more subjective, and it has to do with the <b>pacing </b>of this piece. Brevity is what keeps the tension high in this scene, but brevity can be a double-edged sword. While I really like what the sparseness of language does to the mood here, I feel like there’s a few points where it gets a little too sparse, and I end up confused.<br />
<br />
Let’s take the first few sentences for an example.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Zaima could hear a woman screaming from outside the door. She didn’t bother knocking, but limped into the little cottage and paused on the threshold.</blockquote>
<br />
I like the first sentence, in <i>theory</i>. A mysterious scream is a cheap, super effective hook, but I feel like this might need to be refined a bit. As it reads, if I take the first sentence by itself, I’m not sure if Zaima’s inside, hearing the noise from outside, or vice-versa. Then, in the second sentence, I learn that she was outside, is now limping inside, but before actually going inside, she pauses on the threshold, which is a word usually reserved for the space right <i>before </i>moving inside.<br />
<br />
It’s not that I think every action needs to be specifically described, nor that the reader needs to be led by the hand through a narrative. But little things like this, small things that make me unsure, make me need to re-read a sentence, can cause a break in my immersion. <br />
<br />
In a situation like this, where the language is tight and the focal character isn’t wasting any time with lingering, lengthy descriptions, the writing has to hit the ground running in the first couple of sentences. If a reader has to pause and go back to re-read to make sure they’re understanding everything, the tension breaks and the effect is ruined.<br />
<br />
This is a tricky scene, so everything has to be written just so, so that the reader never picks their head up, never leaves the tense situation that’s happening on the page. The selection presented here requires a lot more attention to detail than most. I’d say it’s about 75-80% of the way there, as it stands.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
<br />
Oh, heck yeah. Starting off a story with a difficult birth in the middle of the night may be a trope, but it’s my kind of trope. I like what little I’ve seen of Zaima so far, and personally speaking, characterization is what keeps me going in a story. I’m not sure I’d be going on past when the baby’s born, since a scene like that will make or break a midwife character for me, but I like where it’s going. With a little more tweaking, I’d be totally on board.<br />
<span id="goog_941754771"></span><span id="goog_941754772"></span>
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<br />Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-2067562002616605632014-03-08T12:32:00.001-08:002014-03-08T12:32:23.998-08:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As I mentioned <a data-mce-href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/78695174116/an-update-for-a-bigger-update" href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/78695174116/an-update-for-a-bigger-update" target="_blank">earlier this week</a>, we’re going to make some <strong>changes</strong>
to KSW. This writing blog is now just about two years old, which
totally blows my mind. Two years, and it’s evolved a ton since the very
beginning.<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Why the changes?</strong></li>
</ul>
<br />KSW
will continue being a writing help blog, but in a different way. The
writing help community on Tumblr has expanded so much since we first
began, and now there’s a plethora of super knowledgeable writing help
blog maintainers that we respect and love, and they’re in better places
to answer all those writing questions with extraordinary detail – and
quicker.<br /><br />We’re, unfortunately, not in those places anymore. As
some of our long-time followers know, I run about 99% of this blog on my
own because Victoria has a full-time job, but now that I have two jobs,
working on a third, on top of self-publishing, I can’t dedicate as much
time to the blog as I used to.<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>So, what’s going to happen?</strong></li>
</ul>
<br />We’re changing our <em>focus</em>.
Answering questions and writing up articles takes hours upon hours, and
while I enjoy doing it, I can’t afford to like I used to. Instead,
we’re going to fill a niche in the writing help blog community – a niche
we’ve been playing with since the very beginning.<br /><br />A lot of you are already familiar with our intro critiques, the <a data-mce-href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/wordsmash_masterpost" href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/wordsmash_masterpost" target="_blank">First 250 Words Smash</a>, and also our <a data-mce-href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/exercises_masterpost" href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/exercises_masterpost" target="_blank">KSW Writing Exercises</a>.
What I’ve been doing in the recent history of KSW is critique these
intros and then set up exercises based off of common writerly issues
(which, most recently, also included a guide on how to tackle the
upcoming batch of exercises).<br /><br />This is what I want KSW to focus on: actively helping writers like all y’all.<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Does that mean no more articles or asks?</strong></li>
</ul>
<br />Nah,
that means the articles I write up will be directly related to the
batch of exercises I put together based off of recent intro critiques.<br /><br />As
far as asks go, we’re going to encourage you to send your questions to
our writing help blog friends who answer quickly and awesomely.
Seriously, they’re incredibly wise and knowledgeable, and a lot faster
than I can be.<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>Is that all?</strong></li>
</ul>
<br />Nope.<br /><br />Actually, there’s another half to this change. For the first time, <strong>we’re going to take on a team</strong> of beta readers to do exactly what we’ve been doing: critique intros.<br /><br />Yes,
we have a lot of trouble keeping up with Word Smash submissions,
especially lately. But with KSW’s huge (and continuously growing, thanks
to our writing help community friends) follower base, it’s seriously
high time that we took on some additional peeps.<br /><br />So, we’ve put up an application for any of our followers to join the KSW Team solely to critique intros.<br /><br />Tickle your fancy? Then click the “read more” so I can entice you further.<br /><br /><img class="mcePageBreak mceItemNoResize" data-mce-src="http://assets.tumblr.com/assets/scripts/vendor/tiny_mce_3_5_10/themes/advanced/img/trans.gif" src="http://assets.tumblr.com/assets/scripts/vendor/tiny_mce_3_5_10/themes/advanced/img/trans.gif" /><br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>What will a beta reader do, exactly?</strong></li>
</ul>
<br />Depending
on how many applications we get and how many peeps we take on, a KSW
beta reader will critique an intro every week or so, which is about 1-2+
hours. If you can dedicate this time, we encourage you to apply for a
spot.<br /><br />The cool part is that I will be a coach, working
collaboratively with you. I’ll read through your critiques and make an
assessment of what to tackle in the KSW Exercises. We’ll be
communicating here and there, but we like to take things easy and make
sure everything stays fun. As soon as it stops being fun, that’s bad.<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>What are the benefits?</strong></li>
</ul>
<br />As
a coach, I can help you hone your critiquing, revising, and editing
skills, which in turn hones your writing. I learned a lot of what I know
now simply from listening to other writers give their own personal
critique on a piece we had collectively read. It really helps to see
others' perspectives.<br /><br />A secondary thing is that Victoria and I
are also in need of our own critique partners for our self-published
series. So, if you decided you were interested, and you could set aside
the time, you’d get both Victoria and I as your mutual critique partners
for your completed manuscript(s).<br /><br />I mean, that’s pretty cool, because the only time we ever critique is for the Word Smash and our own critique partners.<br /><br />As
a team member, you can choose to be represented on the blog
anonymously, or with your credentials and your own writing blog or what
have you, in a little bio. It’s up to you. You’ll also get your own
signature like we have for the end of your critique. Totally legit
style.<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>How can I apply?</strong></li>
</ul>
<br /><a data-mce-href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/application" href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/application" target="_blank">Copy the application here</a>,
then paste it in an email to keyboardsmashwriters at gmail dot com with
your answers. If your answers tickle our fancy in return, we’ll send
you a sample passage for you to critique and send back to us.<br /><br />What
we’ll be looking for with the form: simply if you’re a good match for
the KSW Team. Experience isn’t necessary (some could say we lack
experience, ourselves), but we’ll definitely be looking at good spirits
and enthusiasm. <br /><br />What we’ll be looking for with the sample
critique: all the usual staples of well-written critique, such as
personal perspective and comprehension, and how thoughts are
communicated. You don’t have to be perfect – of course not. We’ll be
looking at potential and natural skill – stuff you might not even
realize you have. Anything else, we can help you work on.<br /><br />
<ul>
<li><strong>When’s the deadline?</strong></li>
</ul>
<br />The
deadline is when I decide we have a strong enough team. Different
applicants might be able to make different commitments, so I won’t know
how many we need until we have the KSW Team together.<br /><br />That being
said, I don’t want to leave the applications open indefinitely. I just
don’t know how many applications we’ll actually be getting. I’m always
surprised.<br /><br />So, to that extent, the applications might close
suddenly. I’ll give a last warning, of course, and I’ll take on extra
team members if they totally wow me, but make sure to keep a lookout for
that notice if you’re planning to apply.<br /><br /><br />Okay, are you ready? We’re totally excited for your application, <a data-mce-href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/application" href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/application" target="_blank">so get it started</a>.
I'll reopen the ask box just in case anyone has any questions, but the
ask box is only open for questions pertaining to the application
process!Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-74281990584529586152014-03-01T22:11:00.001-08:002014-03-01T22:11:50.539-08:00First 250 Words Smash! #45Most Wonderful Author: Marc @ <a href="http://cerebrallotuslibrary.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a> <br />
Most Evil Critique Master: Sarah<br />
Working Title: N/A<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The flames come out of her lungs with the ease of a passioned scream. Her skins erupts in hot flashes, her teeth are made tender and raw, her hair flows in the air possessed by her fury. She is held down by the hands of two men with stones axes gripped in their arms, hunger in the bellies. They ravening through her village with the creed of self preservation etched in their hearts. The woman they hold down follows through example. She shreds through them with her voice. Screaming molten hate at their hearts. She drives them from the soil like so many fields of grain, hands reaching up to the sun in triumphant glory. Never do they or others like them return. The woman, now worshiped, would be remembered throughout the course of this history as the first of many. Her fury, tyranny, benevolence and mercy held in the same hand.<br />
<br />
The punctuation of her reign ending with a kingdom made of hard stone. Song are sang on the day of her assassination. Death coming at the hands of tribe of warriors who move the shadows to their command. Her death followed by an eruption of light. The edges of night cutting her flesh with jagged ease. Thus was the cycle, seats of power were forged and opponents of the throne would come with legions to steal the crown. Across the world, cultures would mold the land to their whim, feeling the pulse of the earth flow though them. </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
I can tell that poetry is behind a lot of the writing. There’re definitely some interesting visuals going on here, and one of my favorite lines is this analogy: “She drives them from the soil like so many fields of grain.” I think this is one powerful simile, and it resounds so deeply with the passage overall. There’s a strong connection between the simile and the story, something that’s super critical when we’re looking to leave the right impression with the reader.<br />
<br />
There’s a lot of experimentation here, which is good. Practice helps us develop our skills and add new tools to our writerly toolbox. After we’ve grown as writers, we get to look back at old stuff and realize how much better we are now. So definitely keep experimenting and playing with words!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
While there is certainly some strong wording, there are some various grammatical errors and incorrect word usage. Of course, prose isn’t always meant to be taken literally, which is the beauty of having creative (and poetic) analogies and leaving impressions. But, if the language is too vague, or even too precise, the images that are translated don’t make sense and leave the reader baffled.<br />
<br />
Let’s take this sentence:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Her skin erupts in hot flashes.</blockquote>
<br />
When I picture something “erupting”, I picture something volcanic, or something shattering, like brick during an earthquake. Erupting means explosive, something that breaks apart because of some powerful force. So, in this instance, I’m picturing her skin literally exploding.<br />
<br />
However, that doesn’t mean the word “erupt” can’t be used in this instance, because it’s a strong word that can potentially leave a strong impression. We can fix this sentence easily, but I’m hesitant about using the phrase “hot flashes” because, well, for me, “hot flashes” is a term commonly used for menopausal women.<br />
<br />
So, as far as fixing this sentence, it’s super quick. All we have to do is rearrange the words:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Hot flashes erupt from her skin.</blockquote>
<br />
Now, it’s not her skin that’s exploding, but the power inside her. Many writers often make this mistake – as in, they target the incorrect subject with the verb. And, just as easily, these issues can be resolved with simply rearranging the words. Be aware of what your verb is doing to which subject or object.<br />
<br />
As I said before, experimenting and practice is great. What I think should be the next skill to work on is restraint. I feel like you’re a poet first. That’s just how the writing comes across. But that eye for poetic phrasing encourages a lot of purple prose.<br />
<br />
(Remember, “purple prose” is language that is often considered flowery, to the point of superfluous and/or distracting.)<br />
<br />
An example of a very purple line is this:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
They ravening through her village with the creed of self preservation etched in their hearts.</blockquote>
<br />
It feels to me, personally, that at least “creed” was located via thesaurus. (I actually didn’t even know “ravening” was a word either – Victoria schooled me on that one.) I could most certainly be wrong, but that’s my guess based on the way the word feels in the sentence. Sentences like the following are also contributors to this feeling:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The punctuation of her reign ending with a kingdom made of hard stone.</blockquote>
<br />
I even looked up “punctuation” just in case there was some sort of meaning other than periods, exclamation marks, commas, etc. The other definition I found was “to interrupt or occur in (something) repeatedly,” which I still don’t think applies to this sentence? I suppose this would probably go under the “incorrect word” tab.<br />
<br />
But anyway, using a thesaurus is, to me, totally okay. Sometimes the word we need isn’t the word we have in our repertoire. However, if a writer finds a word from a thesaurus, they absolutely need to know what it means, both in definition and in modern culture. <br />
<br />
As an example, “hot flashes” literally just means flashes of heat. But, culturally, “hot flashes” is used a lot more commonly as part of menopause. I also didn’t know ravening was a word (I learn something every day), which means it’s either an uncommon or dated word, or that I’m just embarrassing myself. Both are very likely.<br />
<br />
If a writer’s choosing a word because it sounds cool, but they’re not totally familiar with it, then it’s a good idea to either take the time to become intimately familiar with it, or refrain from using it at all. Using a word we’re not familiar with can result in words that <i>look </i>like we popped open a thesaurus, standing out like a beacon.<br />
<br />
But, for me, the purple part of the sentence is mostly “with the creed of self preservation etched in their hearts.”<br />
<br />
It feels like a long way to say that these guys were simply striving to survive. Purple prose is deadly in that it slows down a narrative. It drags the prose with heavy words, trying to pack in as much information in one sentence as possible, or forcing poetic too hard. It’s either a struggle to read, or inorganic/insincere – or both.<br />
<br />
A practice in restraint is shaving off the words that take away from the sentence more than they add to – which is also a good practice for poetry. Find the most important impression of the sentence, the idea that matters the most, and focus on that. Unpack the more telling words like “creed” and “ravening”. <i>Show </i>us what “creed” and “ravening” mean.<br />
<br />
Take that sentence and ask, “What’s the most important information that needs to be conveyed?” That these guys are going to kill this woman out of survival? Are they pleased about this? Are they forced to? Or are they like a pack of wolves, hunting? How can this sentence be restructured so it frames this idea? How can the whole paragraph be restructured to frame this idea?<br />
<br />
Think of it this way. If you step into a city like New York and see hundreds of towering skyscrapers, it’s an incredible sight, but it’s a lot to take in. In a single glance, will you remember any one or two buildings? Maybe. How about their size? They all look tall, right? It’s really hard to focus on any one building.<br />
<br />
But, if you step into a city and see a single skyscraper surrounded by much shorter buildings, that single sky-scraper might look even bigger than any of the buildings in New York, and you’re going to remember it. Nothing is taking away from you studying this one building. Nothing is taking away from you remembering it. Restraint in writing is just like this.<br />
<br />
As far as story stuff goes, my recommended reading is <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2013/12/first-250-words-smash-25x3.html" target="_blank">First 250 Words Smash #25x3</a>. The things I’d talk about here in regards to the story have already been talked about there, so check it out! <br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
Not yet. There’s a lot of great potential and good things going on, but more practice is definitely needed as far as craft and story go. Keep writing, keep getting feedback on both technical skill and craft, and keep growing! Good luck!<br />
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<br />
<span id="goog_1331837858"></span><span id="goog_1331837859"></span>Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-56488906851591629752014-01-18T17:12:00.000-08:002014-01-18T17:18:15.679-08:00First 250 Words Smash! #44<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: A. E. Conway @ <a href="http://yarriinwonderland.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr </a><br />
<b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Sarah<br />
<b>Working Title</b>: N/A<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year. Breath in her throat, she became a statue. The caves stayed silent. Raising her lamp, mouth pursed, she scanned the map. Three miles in, and she wasn’t quite lost, but looking at it frequently seemed like a good idea. She had a job, and bills to pay, and getting lost wouldn’t help.<br />
<br />
“Alaia!” Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here. She tucked herself in to a crevice, and struggled to control her breathing. “Alaia! C’mere!”<br />
<br />
Up ahead, a light appeared, the cave’s walls thrown in sharp relief. The sparkling yellows, blues, and pink seemed to mock the chills running down Alaia’s spine, winking gently at her. She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice. Nothing friendly could be up ahead. <br />
<br />
“Alaia? Oh Alaia, won’t you come play?” Hands shaking, she fumbled briefly with the lantern. The sweet, high voice was something out of the fae tales her Mama had told her as child to scare her into being good. Those stories were called ‘fae tales’ for a reason. They weren’t true.<br />
So what’s that then, mocked the only part of her that still had a backbone. ‘That’ was the thing that was lighting up the cave.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
Structurally speaking, there’re a lot of good things happening here. I can see a solid eye for balancing sentences for a smooth flow and good pacing. From here, it’s just a matter of tweaking and refining, building on what’s already there.<br />
<br />
I’m also a fan of the tension, and I love that we get a sense of her fear without ever needing to have it said outright. Her hands shake, she fumbles, and in the beginning, she hesitates. I'm also a fan of the way some of the setting details, which are often dumped in the form of exposition, are relayed awesomely in tandem with the rising action. It’s not relayed in the form of, ‘This is being explained because it has to be explained eventually.’ It’s a lot more like, ‘This is being explained because it’s pertinent to the plot.’ This is my own Achilles heel, so good job on that!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
There’re some really great things happening here – now, let’s bring it up to the next level. And just to be clear, a lot of what I’ll say is purely subjective. This means we’re talking more about <b>style </b>and <b>voice </b>rather than technical issues, and a critique on style will always be based off of personal experience and opinions!<br />
<br />
Okay, so, let’s begin. I can tell that there’s still a lot of experimenting going on in regards to <b>sentence flow</b>, so the talent is still raw and needs a bit more practice. As an example, the first three sentences put me off in my first read-through:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The girl paused. She was sure she had heard someone call her name. These caves were silent this time of year.</blockquote>
<br />
While I loved the pacing of the first two sentences--with the choppiness that instantly generated tension--the short third sentence had me wondering if it was just a fluke. The flow did improve after that, but there were still some hiccups later on, especially with the second paragraph. A number of sentences followed a nearly identical formula, communicating a single idea and then ending. For me, this was extremely jarring, and as far as pacing goes, lost its effect quickly.<br />
<br />
Let’s take an example:<br />
<br />
<blockquote>
Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled. Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.</blockquote>
<br />
There’s a lot of potential in this bit in regards to flow, and there’s a huge difference between the above and a simple change:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Her name bounced around the cave. Who would be calling her? The mountains had lain empty since the highlanders had fled, and Lepool was three days ride away. No one could be here.</blockquote>
<br />
This is only an example, but just combining two of the right sentences really drives the impact of that final sentence, “No one could be here.” The combined sentences really set up a frame for those final words, giving an extra sting to that moment of drama. Plus, the whole passage flows much better from that simple change.<br />
<br />
The next suggestion I’d make is <b>unpacking</b>. As far as detail goes, this is a good foundation, but it’s time to sharpen those creative instincts and take the description and verbs to the next level. I was trying to find the best exercise for this, but really, <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/exercises_masterpost" target="_blank">anything about description</a> is going to help, especially any of the exercises under the KSW Summer Camp and Description vs. Pacing categories. Check out the examples at the bottom of each individual exercise, too. Look for words that strengthen the imagery/sensory details.<br />
<br />
What I was looking for in this intro was for the cave to really come alive. I have such a vague image of what the cave is supposed to look like that, when the light appeared, I really didn’t know what to picture. I want to feel what Alaia feels, and I want to feel it the way she feels and sees and smells it while she’s scared and confused. I want to be scared along with her. Creating atmosphere will do awesome things for this cave in that regard.<br />
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And, it can also help with the action. An example of a line I know can be improved is this:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Breath in her throat, she became a statue.</blockquote>
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The words “in” and “became” are weak, neutral, and do little to create a more interesting feel of what she’s going through. Think of how to rearrange lines like this, to elevate the words and make something more interesting. There’s a difference between, “I took a breath,” and, “My lungs expanded with a slow, quivering breath.”<br />
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For now, those’re the two big things that I’d recommend. The rest are simply technical, such as beginning a new paragraph after dialogue that isn’t Alaia’s. Both times that the dialogue started the paragraph, I was confused, thinking she was the one speaking, and had to double back to make sure I hadn't misread.<br />
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Also, I’d recommend checking out “comma splices”. The one that really got me was this sentence:<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
She extinguished her lantern, and shrunk further into her crevice.</blockquote>
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Do a bit of research on comma splices and this should be an easy fix.<br />
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And, finally, I’m not sure what Alaia’s age should be. In the beginning, she’s referred to as “the girl”, but at the end of the paragraph, we’re told she has a job and bills. Throughout the intro, however, I felt like her voice in the narrative sounded more like she’s “a girl”, much younger than anyone who’d be paying bills.<br />
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Anyway, I’m going to leave it at that. Mostly, start experimenting with prose. The technical skills are coming together, so now play around with finding your own personal style and voice!<br />
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<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
Not yet, but I’d really like to see this intro again after some experimenting with both style and voice. I think that’ll do a lot of good things!<br />
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Good luck! ♥<br />
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<br />Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-57350078975482673952014-01-10T17:36:00.000-08:002014-01-10T17:36:43.313-08:00First 250 Words Smash! #43<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Emmy @ <a href="http://djentlemenbehold.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a> <br /><b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Sarah<br /><b>Working Title</b>: Event Horizon<br />
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The impact of the hard ground jarred his senses, forcing a soft grunt and air from his lungs. Fighting back the pain and catching his breath, the boy scrambled to his feet and continued to run, shedding bits of gravel and dirt from his hands and knees. The echoes of gunfire and whistling artillery shells, and the dull orange glow of a land engulfed in flames only worsened his fear and confusion. All around him in the midst of smoke and stars stood tall, faceless phantoms. Some spoke words, but they were muffled and unintelligible. The boy tried his best to weave around and avoid running into them, but his legs, burning and crying for rest, refused to obey. Clumsily pushing through the crowds and eliciting several angry responses, he continued to flee.<br /><br />More gray phantoms rose up to impede his flight, this time brandishing the shadows of assault rifles. Again he tried to avoid them, but when the first one became intangible, his eyes widened in shock as he lost his balance and fell right through. The impact of his chin on the concrete rattled his teeth. He saw enough stars to form whole constellations. The distant sounds of gunfire and artillery shells grew near, now joined by a chorus of missiles and bombs and the roaring of jets overhead. The pain from the first fall was worsened by the second. Tears began to well up in the corners of his eyes as he struggled back onto his feet.</blockquote>
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<br /><br /><b>Strong Points –</b><br />Firstly, this is a great example of starting off with action and effortlessly establishing lots of good questions, like, “What the hecking heck is going on around this little boy?” But, of course, the intro never directly states the question. It’s easily implied. This is an awesome thing.<br /><br />What I also like about this intro is how it builds, little by little, on the surroundings/setting. Details are dropped, one piece at a time, as the boy proceeds onward, starting with “gravel and dirt”, then gunfire, and so on. And, since the boy is running and hardly has the time to digest much detail, vague descriptions such as ‘the dull orange glow of the land engulfed in flames’ is a quick way to mark some surroundings believably. Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in over-describing things during a scene that’s supposed to be fast-paced (especially with the question of “How much is enough?”), but moments like the aforementioned are good displays of resistance.<br /><br /><br /><b>Some Tips –</b><br />Okay, so, I’ve two things to talk about here: <b>pacing </b>and <b>voice</b>.<br /><br />Let’s start with <b>pacing</b>. I’ve already mentioned one thing that’s done well in this intro – quick descriptions – but what I’m thinking about more here is in regards to structure and flow. As it stands, simply looking at these two intro paragraphs, I never would have guessed that a boy was running for his life here. Reading brought me a little closer, but there’s still more we can do.<br /><br />Firstly, check out <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/51800613038/pacing-exercise-write-a-fast-scene-a-fight-a" target="_blank">this exercise on pacing</a>, then check out the list of exercises provided on <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/60452875923/studying-how-pacing-affects-description-final" target="_blank">the final Description vs. Pacing post</a>. Before climbing into the examples at the bottom of each exercise, here’s what to look for: how the sentences change depending on the pace. Even look at how the size of the paragraphs will change.<br /><br />In fast pacing, when a character is running or being chased or whatever the thing is, less is more. The way information is communicated becomes briefer, sometimes communicated in short bursts. Think of it in terms of the character (or narrator) not having a chance to describe actions or setting in long sentences because everything’s moving too fast.<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Suddenly <i>this </i>is happening. Then <i>this</i>. Another thing happened, and the character doesn’t know what to do. Then <i>ultimate thing</i>.<br /><br />New paragraph begins.</blockquote>
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(Do, however, refrain from mimicking the italics. Otherwise, it might read like, "Then she <i>opened the bathroom door</i>." I mean, I guess that could work in certain stories?)<br /><br />
So, while checking out the above examples, compare and contrast. Consider how information is being communicated in the different scenarios. Consider also that the writer’s own personal flair and style is very present in all examples as well. (As in, these are only examples and not the only way to write!)<br /><br />Secondly, let’s take a look at <b>voice</b>. And, by voice, I mean character voice.<br /><br />The boy’s young, right? So simplified words make sense. But through reading, I felt a bit distant from him, a step removed, and I think that may be because I didn’t really feel his voice in the writing. It felt closer to a list of events instead me watching this boy race to safety.<br /><br />Let’s take an example:<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Some spoke words, but they were muffled and unintelligible.</blockquote>
<br />So, I don’t know if the phantoms are actually phantoms, or if they’re people. That’s fine if it’s by design (though, ‘tall’ made me think pretty darn tall, because ‘tall’ is a very relative word, such as ‘beautiful’ or ‘great’). But if this is a young boy running from ghostlike people, is he really thinking that the words they speak are ‘muffled’ and ‘unintelligible’?<br /><br />Perhaps he’s thinking the words don’t make any sense, or the sound of their speech drives him to panic, distorts them into actual monsters, or maybe he tries to understand them and can’t, like when his mom calls for him in a dream and her words don’t make sense.<br /><br />Think about a <i>dominant impression</i>. ‘Muffled’ and ‘unintelligible’ are words that are particularly uninvolved, emotionally detached – basically neutral. Those words don’t leave an impression. This event is particularly terrifying to the boy, so the trick is to find ways that really, truly communicate this instead of ‘the boy tried his best’, ‘clumsily pushing’, ‘he tried to avoid them’, and ‘the pain of the first fall’. Really think about how to <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/72610480268/quick-tips-on-expressing-character" target="_blank">express his character</a> through the narrative.<br /><br />On a final note, I would definitely advise working more on that title. “Event Horizon” makes me automatically think of the 1997 movie, and it fills up the entire Google search page, which isn’t good from a marketing standpoint. But, you have a start! Having something to work with makes things a lot easier.<br /><br /><br /><b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />At this point, not yet. I would personally need to have more emotional investment with the character first (and I actually set down a book on the shelf in exchange for the book next to it just the other day for this exact reason – and the second book won because the character voice was much stronger). But I would definitely like to see a revision!<br /><br />Good luck! ♥♥♥♥♥<br /><span id="goog_1671740077"></span><span id="goog_1671740078"></span><span id="goog_1671740079"></span><span id="goog_1671740080"></span><br />
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<br />Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-51609090475571080022014-01-02T16:50:00.001-08:002014-01-02T17:07:37.332-08:00First 250 Words Smash! #42<b>First of 2014 Super Awesome Author:</b> Sadie @ <a href="http://avalinedegrandpre.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a><br />
<b>Still in Dinosaur Years Editor:</b> Victoria<br />
<b>Working Title:</b> N/A<br />
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In the morning stillness, Desdemona could only hear her own footsteps. She was walking slowly so she could scan the ground, but her efforts were only serving to frustrate her further. </blockquote>
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She bent. Pressed a hand to the ground. Grimaced, since the moisture of the spongy earth rushed to engulf her fingers. </blockquote>
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Everything was brown, soggy, and mostly dead. </blockquote>
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She clicked a soft noise of irritation with her tongue and stood once more, continuing her slow walk. Her attention wandered, though, over the mossy trees and mushy dirt in the distance. It was hard to have hope when the forest looked like a dying swampland. </blockquote>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Having any kind of hope was harder since the magic had died, really.<br />
She shoved a hand into her satchel as she walked, counting her findings for the day. Two round penn leaves for healing, three fignius leaves for focus, and one mushroom, barely on the brink of life. They would have to stew it immediately to get anything from it. </blockquote>
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“’Mona!” </blockquote>
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The voice of her teacher only exasperated her frustration at this morning’s bounty. But she turned and started her way back. </blockquote>
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“Coming!” </blockquote>
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The morning was brisk. She rubbed her hands together and remembered when she could use the friction of her fingers to pull life and healing from the leaves. The two crumpled leaves from today’s plants would boil to create a simple drink for colds, nothing more. </blockquote>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“Pathetic,” she muttered, and hurried to meet Cal.</blockquote>
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<b>Strong Points -</b><br />
Though it might not be an action-packed start, this is a nice way to drop hints and questions. You have Mona collecting for spells and it leaves us to wonder what sort of world we're dealing with. These questions are great, they're what keep us reading. I want to know if Mona's doing this in secret, if she practices magic without others knowing or maybe she's poor and embarrassed so she collects the ingredients without others knowing. And the dead forest turned into a swamp, what the heck happened there? You've found a nice way to weave these details in without cramming them in, and that's awesome!<br />
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<b>Some Tips -</b><br />
The very first thing I noticed was the use of passive voice. It's in the first paragraph, "was walking" and "was only serving". Using "was" (or "had") plus the verb can at times be necessary, but most of the time it removes us from the character preforming the action and greatly slows down the pace. It's also a lot wordier than necessary.<br />
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"Mona walked slowly so she could scan the ground." To me, this has a stronger impact, as there are less steps between me and what Mona's doing.<br />
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To strengthen this even more, I might choose a more descriptive verb than "walked" just so to avoid using the adverb with it. Adverbs definitely have their places, don't get me wrong. But if abused, they lose their effectiveness. Sometimes, they border on telling instead of showing.<br />
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Telling is a really hard habit to get out of, but becoming aware of it is one of the best things a writer can do for themselves. Learning to describe and effectively show the reader to a conclusion is so much stronger than just handing over a one or two-word description.<br />
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For example, "Everything was brown, soggy, and mostly dead." Well, what does that mean? That doesn't give me much of anything to picture. I probably don't know what a dead forest is supposed to look like, so just telling me that there is one there, and that it's wet, that's not helpful. How did this forest die? Did it burn? Are the trees sick and withering? Is there too much water for the climate and thus the trees have begun to rot? All of these things are very probable, but also very different in presentation. This will probably require research on your part if you don't know what this is like, but the end result will be totally worth it.<br />
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Another great way to help this is getting rid of dialogue tags. "Muttered" is telling me how she spoke, instead of showing me with the dialogue or how her body language reads. If she's just saying one word to herself in the middle of the woods, I can probably deduce that she's grumbling it. Other things like shouting or snapping should be clear in the way the sentence reads. We say fewer words or pick more abrasive things to say when we're pissed. Even in text messages or blog posts, a tone is conveyed without us ever having to hear it. Again, dialogue tags are certainly not taboo, and have their uses, but learning to write without them can really help those description muscles.<br />
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<b>Would I keep reading?</b><br />
Not just yet, unfortunately. I need a little bit more before I'm invested in Mona and her world, and I didn't feel completely immersed. So please, resubmit so that Sarah or I can take a second look! Thank you so much, hope to hear back from you!<br />
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<b> </b>Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-9070599312143204682013-12-30T16:57:00.002-08:002013-12-30T16:57:28.258-08:00First 250 Words Smash! #41<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Jinny Jones @ <a href="http://sorrowfuldecay.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a> <br /><b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Sarah<br /><b>Working Title</b>: N/A<br /><br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>“Why do you wear a hood all the time, even indoors?” she came right out with it and covered her nervous expression with a sip of her coffee.<br /><br />“I’m a very private person. Why do you keep yourself so closed off from others?”<br /><br />“I’m afraid of being abandoned and hurt. What are you hoping for out of this, you don’t strike me as the normal dating type, what’s really going on here?” she raised an eyebrow and he chuckled freely, carefully placing his cup back on the table.<br /><br />“My, aren’t you perceptive? I’m not so sure you’re ready, though if you can tell that easily I suppose it won’t hurt. You are correct. I am not the typical man seeking courtship from you. I’m something else entirely, but the real question. Are you willing to find out what that something is?” <br /><br />She could feel the heat even from the shadows of his hood, that darkness allured her. The shadows made his face invisible yet she swore she could see a lopsided grin at times in the darker shades of black. She could never be certain but in that moment, she felt heat from his hidden gaze and it was a heat solely for her.<br /><br />BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!</i><br /><br />The constant, monotone alarm was once welcomed by her mind, now it was nothing more than a warning of deep sorrow and regret. Reaching for the nightstand, she killed the insistent beeping and dropped flat on the bed once again.</blockquote>
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<br /><br /><b>Strong Points –</b><br />I like that we begin with action right away. This is definitely a big plus. The dream also generates lots of interesting questions that easily carry my interest past the alarm clock. Above all, I’m wondering if she realizes she’s dreaming, or if the person she’s having her dream date with is someone she has encountered before, or if that she knows he actually exists outside her dreams – all those questions. This is a good thing if there’s the necessary unpacking, of course! In terms of creating conflict right in the intro, this does a good job. There’s a lot to think about and a lot to store away while reading on.<br /><br /><br /><b>Some Tips –</b><br />The first thing that quickly got me was the sentence flow. Many lines were jarring and inorganic to me. I suppose this would have something to do with punctuation, but I’m also leaning heavily upon transitioning from one thought to another.<br /><br />Traditionally, a sentence introduces an idea, and when a new idea is introduced, the first sentence ends and the next sentence begins. Of course, personal style and voice slices and dices and beats the heck out of this rule. But the writers who do it well are writers who acknowledge why this rule is a rule.<br /><br />Here’s an example of where it’s not working:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>What are you hoping for out of this, you don’t strike me as the normal dating type, what’s really going on here?</i></blockquote>
<br />Each of the above clauses can make three separate sentences because they’re three different ideas.<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
What are you hoping for out of this?<br />You don’t strike me as the normal dating type.<br />What’s going on here?</blockquote>
<br />The first clause is really its own sentence to me. I feel the second and third clause aren’t properly joined by a conjunction, or some other transitional word or punctuation mark. Here’s an example of what I mean:<br /><i><br /></i><blockquote>
<i>You don’t strike me as the normal dating type, so what’s really going on here?</i></blockquote>
<br />Or:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>You don’t strike me as the normal dating type—what’s really going on here?</i></blockquote>
<br />It feels like the second and third clause are utilizing the comma as a semicolon, which would still, I think, technically be incorrect? Because the two ideas don’t feel related enough. But, of course, as I’ve mentioned before, I’m definitely not the all-seer of grammar and punctuation.<br /><br />Anyway, let’s take another example:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I’m something else entirely, but the real question.</i></blockquote>
<br />This sentence is very jarring. The transition felt very unnatural to me, and the ending felt like doing a seatbelt check on all the passengers. Total whiplash. With a sentence like this, I’d be expecting an em dash, or even a colon. Something that flows naturally into the next thought.<br /><br />Technically, without the right punctuation, this sentence reads like he’s saying he’s something else entirely, <i>except </i>the real question. As in, <i>he’s</i> not the real question. This can easily be misinterpreted.<br /><br />As a final example:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I’m not so sure you’re ready, though if you can tell that easily I suppose it won’t hurt.</i></blockquote>
<br />This is an example of where I felt the sentence read clunky, and I had to read it slowly because of the phrasing. I also thought it read a bit informal compared to the previous sentence.<br /><br />But, I still think this goes back to flow and punctuation. The way I ended up reading it in my head was more like this:<br /><br /><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<i>I’m not so sure you’re ready—though, if you can tell that easily, I suppose it won’t hurt.</i></blockquote>
<br />My own punctuation placement is stylistic for myself as well, but what I mean to show is exactly how I had to read it in order to understand. The em dash is a long pause, a sign of transitioning from one idea to a similar idea. The commas are brief pauses, and in this case, a split infinitive. Not everyone likes split infinitives, but in dialogue and close POV, they’re perfectly believable if done well.<br /><br />Nextly, I’d have to say that when my alarm jolts me awake from deep sleep, my reaction is usually a bit more exclamatory and a bit less reflective. When I wake up from sleep, I’m still trying to figure out what day it is and where I am and, heck, even <i>who </i>I am. So I felt the main character’s immediate reaction unrealistic.<br /><br />(Also, as a side note, since “BEEP! BEEP!” sort of speaks for itself, there’s no need to reiterate “The constant, monotone alarm”.)<br /><br />The final thing I’d suggest is unpacking. I didn’t get a good dose of description because of the action, which is fine in this case. But “deep sorrow and regret” is a good example of telling versus showing, and we’ve talked a lot about that in previous Word Smashes (I’d recommend checking out <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2013/12/first-250-words-smash-25x3.html" target="_blank">25x3</a>, since it goes into more detail, but I’d also suggest checking back through other Smashes as well).<br /><br />Mostly what set me back was the style. I can see it trying to come through, and it’s almost there, it just needs some tweaking and fine-tuning. Some good practice will take care of that. Also, I almost forgot, but make sure to check out the proper formatting of dialogue!<br /><br /><br /><b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />Not yet. Practice, practice, practice, and do lots of critical reading of your favorite books to see how authors write dialogue to make it look natural. Really study how they use their punctuation, as well as when, why, how, and etc. Then, get some of your writerly friends or well-read friends to read your stuff and see if things are flowing smoother.<br /><br />Hope that helps! Good luck! ♥<br />
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<br />Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-19870804859672588242013-12-12T13:27:00.001-08:002013-12-12T13:27:13.295-08:00First 250 Words Smash! #40<b>Fortieth Author!:</b> Carly P<br />
<b>Not the Fortieth Editor:</b> Victoria<br />
<b>Working Title:</b> N/A<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Music and the bodies of fairies form a circle on the hill. The dancing begins with twin royals of the daoine sidhe, Dubhlainn and Aoife. Together, they stride to the center of the circle and begin to dance. As they turn, they drift apart, fingers brushing palms. They go to the guests and each selects a new partner. </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Freya gasps to herself when the beautiful daoine princess pulls her into a swirling dance. Could she know that Freya, one of the ianann sidhe, wasn’t meant to be here? If she notices, she doesn’t seem to mind. </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Dubhlainn searches the crowd for a partner. His gaze falls upon someone with dark hair that falls down his face and with cheekbones like cut glass. He can’t place a name to this boy, but he has the feeling he’s seen his before and he guesses he must work for the royal court. When Dubhlainn takes his hand, he notices his hands are rough and are laced with small burns. A baker, perhaps? Or was he related to the royal blacksmith? Dubhlainn focused on the dark eyes in front of him as every guest began to dance. He leaned toward the boy slightly, and whispers, “What is your name?” </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“My name is Aedan. It’s good to meet you, Dubhlainn.” They both smiled. </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The night was warm and they were caught in a whirlwind.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<b>Strong Points --</b><br />
Well I love me a good fairy story, let me tell you. I love seeing the whole fairy court and all of the impossible to pronounce Gaelic (at least for me) and I'm so excited for this. <b></b>You've got some really nice description in here, the cheekbones like cut glass, and the mention of fingers brushing across palms as they separate. I like these little details you've snuck into the narrative, because they raise questions, especially the burns on Aedan's hands.<br />
<br />
<b>Some Tips --</b><br />
That being said, I really wish more details have been injected here. I know we're at a ball, but I have no idea what a fairy ball might look like, and I have no hints or clues to go by. Are there decorations? Do they wear big dresses? Do they wear nothing at all? I don't know any of this. Everything has largely been left up to my own imagination, and it's left me with blank, white surroundings. As with the royals (twins?). I don't know what they look like. I don't need paragraphs and paragraphs, but this is a whole new world for me, and without that sensory description, I have nothing to translate how magical this realm is supposed to be.<br />
<br />
Also, there is a lot of telling, a lot of unloading exposition where we do not need it. A perfect example is Freya, who we've been outright told she should not be there because of what she is. For me, this could have been communicated so much stronger through body language, through Freya's body chemistry and her fear, and then later revealed when it's necessary to know. It certainly raises its own questions, but telling us instead of showing she shouldn't be there kills the potential for a great look into her character.<br />
<br />
For example, are Freya's palm's sweating? Is she watching the rest of the crowd over Aoife's shoulder to see if anyone notices her for what she is? Or is she so captivated by the princess that she forgets to be paranoid? Does she trip? Is it effortless to fall into step with Aoife? I would have known so much more about both of them and their situation with some more detail, and I would have become more attached to the characters themselves. Telling bypasses all of this, and just presents me with a fact that's a little colder.<br />
<br />
<b>Would I keep reading?</b><br />
Not yet. Unfortunately, I really feel you have to slow down and take the time to weave more details into your narrative. It's a tough thing to do, to balance sensory details, characters, and the plot all at once. Our suggestion is always that you read. Read, read, read! Read your favorite authors and figure out how it is that they paint a picture, let you know the character, and still keep you dying to know what happens next. And then we'd be so happy if you resubmitted! Thank you<b> </b>so much and good luck!<br />
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<br />Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-10559158098080253422013-12-07T14:54:00.000-08:002013-12-07T14:54:11.242-08:00First 250 Words Smash! #25x3<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Kaitlyn Noble<br /><b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Sarah<br /><b>Working Title</b>: The Underground Prince<br /><b>History</b>: <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2013/10/first-250-words-smash-25x2.html" target="_blank">Previous Submission</a> || <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2013/07/first-250-word-smash-25.html" target="_blank">First Submission</a><br /><br /><br />Previous Submission:<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.<br /><br />Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. I can hear in his voice that he’s scared but trying to hide it, so I hide my own fear and stand a little straighter. Right after I agree, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I obey my father’s orders and run towards my room, excitement in my veins that there’s actual fighting going on, but also fear. Fear of what might happen. Knights and guards are blurred shadows as they hurry past me. Servants and other castle workers scatter in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. As I run past, a few servants tell me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.”<br /><br />As I round another corner, boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!” “They’re gaining ground fast, they’ve already breached the inner walls!” There’s one bit though that makes my heart stop.</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br /><br />Revision:<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.<br /><br />Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe. The words are spoken anxiously, his voice low and firm. I nod once and force my shaky legs to stand straighter and be still. Right after this, father runs down the hall with my uncle towards the armory. I let my posture slouch in defeat and run towards my room, annoyed that there is actual fighting going on that I must miss. It’s hard to keep my hands from punching the nearest wall as the blurry, fleeting shadows of the castle guards hurry past. The further I go, the more servants and other castle workers I see scattering in all directions. Some carry bed sheets or baskets of food, since they were trying to prepare supper beforehand. One stumbles and slams against the old tapestry in the dining hall, and it moves uneasily. A few glare at me, shouting for me to get to my quarters before I am killed, either by the enemy or my father, because I’m “too young to be so close to the fighting.” </blockquote>
<blockquote>
As I round another corner, my boots sliding on the slick rock, I hear bits and pieces of news about the battle. “The Galbactians have attacked!” “They’ve come back with a vengeance this time ‘round!”</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br /><br /><b>Strong Points:</b><br />As you might have noticed, I’ll be taking over this revision on Victoria’s behalf to help give more perspective in this revision. I volunteered myself right before she volunteered me, so I’m happy to put in my thoughts!<br /><br />I can see how you’ve applied some of what Victoria’s said, and that’s awesome. There are some new details, and also “showing” of his frustration through the line, “It’s hard to keep my hands from punching the nearest wall,” which is a solid sign of characterization that we didn’t have before. The additions definitely help.<br /><br /><br /><b>Some Tips:</b><br />However, while the additions help, revisions are still quite timid and minute. I understand what Victoria’s been trying to explain about this intro, and while there are certainly some improvements, her points still stand: the intro reads like a summary of events. It feels like the main character is recounting over dinner to someone a moment that happened. I’m not fully immersed in the story because the action is described in a retrospective way.<br /><br />Let’s take the very first line.<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
One moment I am laughing with my father. The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.</blockquote>
<br />This is a summary. In fact, this could be the first line of a synopsis (which is usually in third person, not first, although it’s not unheard of). I can picture reading the summary on the back of the book and this being the first line. That’s cool, but it’s not as effective <i>in the actual story</i>.<br /><br />This is what Victoria means by telling. That first line is the core example of “telling” versus “showing”, and while there are certainly times where “telling” is absolutely appropriate (and some might argue that this might actually work here), both Victoria and I agree that this opening line loses the potential drama of the intro.<br /><br />What Victoria has been trying to explain is to utilize action for greater impact. Let’s take the very first line here:<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
One moment I am laughing with my father.</blockquote>
<br />This can be unpacked with action. What are they talking about? Where are they? What’s the relationship between them? What’s their connection? What do they look like? All of these potential questions are lost because, instead of beginning with action, the action is summarized.<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
The next thing I know, the castle I call home is a war zone.</blockquote>
<br />‘War zone’ means nothing to the reader. Was there an explosion? Are there fires? Did someone run in and announce a siege on the castle? What are the stakes? What is the conflict?<br /><br />Also, ‘The next thing I know’ or other modern idiosyncrasies are actually kind of like ‘throwaway lines’, or clichéd phrases that don’t really carry their weight.<br /><br />Let me try to give a real concrete example of what I mean. Keep in mind that this is just my own personal exploration of the story and not intended to be used for anything other than just a basic example. Let’s take the third line:<br /><br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Father tells me to go into my room and lock the door until he says it is safe.</blockquote>
<br />And to demonstrate “unpacking”, “showing” and “action”, I’ll write it like this:<br /><br />
<blockquote>
He grabs me by the shoulders, his leather hands too stiff. “Son, go to your chamber.” I hardly recognize his voice, both stern and firm, yet each word quivered on the tip of his tongue. “Lock the doors. Stay quiet. Stay hidden. Do not come out until I’ve sent word it’s safe.”<br /><br />My own voice cracks in my throat. “Father—”<br /><br />A resounding boom rocks the castle and challenges my balance. Father recovers first and shoves me away. “<i>Go</i>.”</blockquote>
<br />Again, this is just an example of something that could have been explored from that single line, where the narrative can take the reader into “the moment” of the story instead of glaze over it. I want to <i>see </i>how dad’s anxious, not just have it told to me. Moments like these are what really bring home the contrast and stakes of the story.<br /><br />For me, the entire first line can be unpacked to fill the first 250 words. I can see it. There’s a lot that we lose as readers when it’s all crammed together into a single line of telling. Personally, I would definitely suggest a whole rewrite, because I think you can do much better than this. Brave restarting fresh and think about what matters as you write—what should be conveyed, and how.<br /><br />But before you brave another revision, I’d definitely advise you to check out our <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/exercises_masterpost" target="_blank">masterpost of exercises</a>. Some of the exercises also have examples, and I’d recommend checking into those as well (especially on the pacing side, because I think that’ll help you a lot).<br /><br />Also, I’d recommend picking up a book in your genre (middle grade or young adult fantasy, I’d guess) and <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/45224701527/reading-critically-for-writers" target="_blank">read critically like a writer</a>. Take notes, mark passages with stickies or post-its, and really learn how the author’s craft functions in scenes like yours. Study how the author keeps the reader rooted in the story and avoids summarizing events (or, conversely, uses summaries of events to benefit the story, because not all “telling” is bad).<br /><br /><br /><b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />I want to see some big changes if you decide to do another revision – I’d also be super excited if you did. I love to see huge improvement, and once you let go and really get into revising, I think you’ll do something awesome!<br /><br />Good luck! ♥<br />Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-3381776780655757302013-11-06T15:18:00.000-08:002013-11-06T15:18:29.941-08:00Nano Day #6<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So, I see lots of you all climbing into the five-digit word counts, or getting close, which is totally awesome. But, if you're not, don't despair. All is not lost. Only day six of November is concluding. Not even the first week is over yet. If you've fallen behind, you can still catch up.<br />
<br />
Firstly, make sure you've read <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/65916336002/13-quick-tips-when-youre-starting-your-novel" target="_blank">13 quick tips when you’re starting your novel</a> at the Tumblog. Next, try some of these things:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><b>Try word sprints</b>. Nano has an <a href="https://twitter.com/NaNoWordSprints" target="_blank">official Twitter for word sprints</a>. Also, heck out TheWritersHelpers' <a href="http://twh-nanowrimo.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Nano blog</a>, because they hold word wars.</li>
<li><b>Set smaller goals</b>. If you're only making 200 words a day, try aiming for fifty words every half hour. Then take a half-hour break. Then come back. Sometimes the "end of the day" deadline gives us too much room to stretch out our legs. Setting several more smaller deadlines might help.</li>
<li><b>Make sure you're not stuck</b>. Sometimes writing becomes difficult when we haven't planned for what's coming. Simply planning out the next few steps often helps this problem.</li>
<li><b>Do something active right before writing</b>. Take a walk or a jog around the block, down the street, or get up and dance to What Does the Fox Say. Your brain activity increases, which is good for thinking.</li>
<li><b>Write with a friend</b>. Sometimes all we need for a morale boost is simply to have someone hold us accountable. Every half hour of writing, bug each other, whether through some sort of messaging or in person.</li>
</ul>
<br />
November still has many long days left, so don't panic!<br />
<br />
How is everyone doing? Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-79725720052155600962013-11-01T19:00:00.001-07:002013-11-01T19:00:59.255-07:00Nano Day #1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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OKAY. So, it's the end of the first day. (I mean, it's not for us west coast folk, still got some time to go.) But, the day's concluding for our friends on the east coast. So, here are some troubles I've got glimpses of on the Tumblrsphere --<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><i>Help! Help! I'm barely into my story and it's horrendous!</i> It feels horrendous because it's been a struggle, but the worst thing you can do at this point is to stop and go back to read. Keep going forward, don't look back, and don't rewrite!</li>
<li><i>I wrote way too much of [insert thing] into the beginning, what should I do? </i>Nothing. Keep going forward, don't look back, and don't rewrite!</li>
<li><i>The day is practically over and I've barely written anything/nothing at all!</i> Calm down. It's okay. Don't panic. The first few days are going to take some adjusting to, like stepping into cold water. At first, it stings, and it might be disorienting, but it doesn't mean you won't adjust. Let yourself adjust first.</li>
<li><i>I don't really know where my story's going, but it's not what I thought.</i> The first draft is the first draft for a reason -- you're just starting to get to know your story. Some people have a pretty good idea of what they're going to write when they begin, some people write themselves into knowing what they're going to write. Some people even finish and go, "What the heck did I just write?" All of these forms of writing are totally legitimate.</li>
</ol>
So, tell me, how did the first day go? What's your word count so far? Had any trouble? Tell me the thing.Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-80663608468099155422013-10-27T16:21:00.000-07:002013-10-27T16:30:37.774-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #39<b>Most Wonderful Author</b>: Cactuar<br />
<b>Most Evil Critique Master</b>: Sarah<br />
<b>Working Title</b>: N/A<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
They always sat, him and Halil, perched atop the towering walls in the evenings, sharing what food they could scrape together and looking out towards their doom, the black silhouettes which swarmed over the hills surrounding their city, once home to some of the best vineyards in the whole of the world-- now a scarred and barren expanse marked by the charred remains of an arbor here or there, sticking out of the ashes like the blackened bones of some long-dead beast.<br />
<br />
He didn't know why they did it. It wasn't as if seeing them out there helped anything. There was no help for any of it. Nothing to do but sit and talk and eat what they could find, and watch Halil's eyes grow colder and darker and harder with every day that passed.<br />
<br />
By now, the stores had gotten so low and nerves frayed so raw by the fear of what was coming that violence was breaking out among the citizens. The day before, the guards had violently repelled a group of panicked townsfolk trying to throw open the gates. Surrender, and hope for mercy…though, they had to know that it was far too late for that. Surrender, then, and at least get it all over with a little faster.<br />
<br />
As it turned out, they didn’t have much longer to wait. Five days later the gate fell, and Halil turned to Kadri and suggested that they jump.<br />
<br />
"Jump?" he'd squeaked in reply, leaning out over the edge [...]</blockquote>
</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
<b>Strong Points –</b><br />
What I liked about this was the subtlety in the writing. It’s definitely far from purple prose, but in that aspect, I like it. The simplicity makes description like “sticking out of the ashes like the blackened bones of some long-dead beast” stand out like a frame around a portrait, so I like it. (And I absolutely love that metaphor, like wow, so perfect for the atmosphere and mood.)<br />
<br />
The first paragraph is definitely my favorite, because not only does it build up the surroundings, but it builds up the setting. It effortlessly begs the question “what happened here?” without ever prompting the words. That’s definitely a skill that takes practice to evolve.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Some Tips –</b><br />
While I love the first paragraph, the following paragraphs fell into the trap of <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/34925311276/the-story-of-exposition" target="_blank">exposition and info-dumping</a>, all “telling”. The first paragraph does a good job of setting up the scene, but then we lose it when we enter all the background telling.<br />
<br />
While this information might be critical for the reader to know, it delays the start of the actual story, the reason why readers picked up the book, and there are other ways to unpack it other than taking up so much of the crucial opening paragraphs. A good way to unload all this necessary background information is to <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/43934886807/varying-sentences" target="_blank">unload ideas with and between dialogue</a>. Check out the example I have in that old post, and also the super old post linked above. These’ll help create some strategies on how to tackle adding backstory in as it becomes necessary.<br />
<br />
Of course, there are times where telling is absolutely necessary and okay. (There’s a post somewhere about this that I saw recently, but for the life of me, I can’t find it.) A good balance of showing versus telling and telling versus showing keeps the dynamic of the world and character intentions clear and distinct and focused. The art of showing alone simply can’t reveal all that necessary information, but in the beginning, setting up the story is critical. Finding this balance will take practice (I can definitely attest to that, because it’s one that I’m still far from mastering).<br />
<br />
Secondly, be aware of word choice. “Doom” for me is a word that says very little in the context of a narrative because it’s something that’s relative. The definition of it changes from person to person. Also, there’s the connotation of the word that hits the scale of “epic” for me, a word so overused because of its dramatic flair that I can’t see it used in fiction anymore – not in a serious manner, anyway. In modern dialogue, sure. Or even in the narrative from the POV of a modern voice.<br />
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Other than that, I’d say be conscious of grammar such as “he and Halil” versus “him and Halil”. Another bit is that the first paragraph is all one sentence. That’s 82 words in one sentence with five commas and one dash. That sentence can definitely be broken up, and it might improve how the opening flows.<br />
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Also, as a final note, check out <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2013/10/first-250-words-smash-37.html" target="_blank">250 Words Smash #37</a> for some tidbits on dialogue tags.<br />
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<b>Would I Keep Reading?</b><br />
Not yet. Half the intro was exposition, so I didn’t have much of a chance to get into the story. I’d like to see a revision, though, and then I’d get a better sample of the writing, too. Since the exposition was mostly summary, it’s difficult to get a better feel for prose. I’m sure I’d have more feedback then!<br />
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Good luck!<br />
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♥♡❥<br />
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<br />Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-21468617224982039612013-10-20T22:47:00.002-07:002013-10-20T23:12:18.251-07:00First 250 Words Smash! #38<b>Very Spooky Author</b>: Alexander Paine @ <a href="http://jester4554.tumblr.com/" target="_blank">Tumblr</a><br />
<b>Not so Spooky Editor</b>: Victoria<br />
<b>Working Title</b>: N/A<br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“Fuck! Hey! Watch where you’re going!” </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
As Travis crashed to the floor the tray he carried clattered on the ground. Glass shattered and flew in every direction away from him, while golden champagne pooled on the redwood deck. He winced as he picked himself up. His right knee, the first part of him to hit the ground, throbbed painfully. Travis looked down his pants leg and, seeing a scuff mark on the tuxedo leggings, became certain that he scraped himself in the fall. All around him the festivities on deck came to a halt, and every eye lay on him. </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“Sorry, sir.” He stammered as the man he bumped into, through no fault of his own, turned to face him. The partygoer was dressed similarly to Travis, though, instead of a black tuxedo, his was all white and made of finer material that sheened in the soft, sensual light. Some of the champagne had collected on the surface of his shoes and splashed the hem of his pants. “Shit! I’m so sorry. This is my first time out here and I’m not entirely used to navigating out here yet.” </blockquote>
</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
“How difficult can it be to just walk around someone?” The man sneered. “Idiot! Get back to your job and clean this glass up before someone cuts themselves.” He turned back to the card table and those around him followed suit. A moment later things on deck returned to normal, the incident forgotten.</blockquote>
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<b>Strong Points -</b><br />
You have some good descriptors in here! And they're very good clues for telling us what kind of party Travis is at, and that he's not exactly an invited guest. But you never outright tell us that. That's awesome. You've trusted your readers to figure out the clues for themselves. You used dialogue for that purpose as well. The fact that Travis is so willing to use curse words when he is in a work environment, that also says a lot about Travis. He's definitely not at home in this atmosphere, and it shows in these little ways.<br />
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<b>Some Tips -</b><br />
As I said before, I really love the description that you've put into the beginning, because it gives us so much information. Now let's fine-tune it.<br />
<br />
Some of this is awkwardly worded and unnecessarily long. For instance, describing the other man's white tuxedo. We don't need to know that he's wearing a tuxedo like Travis because we've already been told what Travis has on, and that was described only a few sentences ago. We haven't forgotten just yet. You can just get straight to the part where the sensual (I really liked this word) light shines a certain way on the fabric. Another word you've repeated is "redwood". Instead of reusing words, take this opportunity to give us a new word that adds another dimension to the surroundings.<br />
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Even the collision and the fall could have been a bit clearer. I didn't really understand that Travis had fallen until I kept reading. You wait until a few sentences later to tell me that he landed on his knee, when I think that should have been mentioned upon impact. That would hurt. That's not exactly a detail to be exposed in the aftermath, but the sort of thing that should be known when it happens. It brings us a little closer to Travis, because we all know what it's like fall on our knees and how much it hurts.<br />
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Also, I am personally not a fan of dialogue tags such as "stammered". I believe you can communicate this much better through the dialogue and actions, and you have. The fact that he calls the other man "sir" shows the hierarchy, and I think you can better show how nervous Travis is through actions or otherwise. Sarah gave an excellent example of this in the last Word Smash, which you can read <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2013/10/first-250-words-smash-37.html" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
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Over all, this lacks a certain voice. I think you still need to play with your style of writing, because this doesn't feel like it belongs to you. I want your voice, I want your way of writing, and this reads like your style is still in its infant stages. That's okay! We all start with little babies, and the best way to nurse them is to read. Read popular writers like J. K. Rowling and Stephen King and Neil Gaiman and see what it is about their voices that makes them sound like themselves. As writers, we take what we like from others and we mold it to fit ourselves. I even learned from reading fanfiction and RPing. <br />
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<b>Would I keep reading?</b><br />
Not yet. I just don't feel like I have enough about Travis to tie me to him, or have enough of his situation just yet.<b> </b> I feel that this is purely setup for where the story really begins, and that I'm not really hooked anymore. So if you revise after taking a look at this, please resubmit! I'd love to see how you nurture your own style, and I can't wait! Thank you so much! <3 <3 <3<br />
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<br />Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-90330832012440743052013-10-20T19:40:00.000-07:002013-10-20T19:41:35.795-07:00Finishing Your To-Do List?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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So, I got to read about your projects <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.blogspot.com/2013/10/so-maybe-we-will-do-nano.html" target="_blank">l</a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" target="_blank">ast week</a>, which was super awesome. (Also, if haven't yet and you're still considering talking about your project, feel free to comment on last week's post anytime!) I saw some interesting fantasy-dystopian crossovers -- two of my favorite genres -- and lots of adventure and action and good stuff. I'm excited to see you all get some serious word counts down.<br />
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After today, there's only <b>ten days left</b> until November 1st. That's still plenty of time if you're still scrambling, but <b>what do you have left to do</b>? Are you still throwing plot points together? Researching? Gathering up all your favorite music for the best writing mood soundtracks? Doodling up characters?<br />
<br />
I still have a bit to do, but I've made a whole lot of progress since last week. Here's my to-do list:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Finish revisiting book 1 and finalizing all the things that need to be finalized there. (Hopefully I can get this done today.)</li>
<li>Write the synop for book 3.</li>
<li>Finish up the rest of the remaining 250 Words Smash intro critiques.</li>
<li>Finish all the remaining asks in the ask box.</li>
<li>Finish -- or at least get very close to -- the self-pub post series.</li>
<li>Get the marketing things that I need to do accomplished.</li>
<li>Revisit the outline draft and kick it in the face. </li>
</ul>
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Whew, I think that's it. It actually helps to get all this out where I can see it. Organization? What's that??? But I'd definitely recommend making a list and prioritizing the bigger chores! It creates that feel-good moment when you get to cross things out like, "Oh yeah, I'm so awesome, I just accomplished something."<br />
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So what's left on your list?Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5114574409789191985.post-44781936423995102672013-10-14T18:16:00.000-07:002013-10-14T18:43:35.906-07:00So Maybe We Will Do Nano<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
Yesterday on the Tumblog, I <a href="http://keyboardsmashwriters.tumblr.com/post/63965136898/nano-discussion" target="_blank">asked everyone if they would be participating in Nanowrimo</a> next month. Usually on KSW, the Nano months have been perfect times to get to know the writers who follow KSW, and it's also when I get to learn about everyone's projects. Even when followers change their names and icons, I can still be like, "Oh, you write THIS!"<br />
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Also, it's a time when I get to write alongside everyone else, which, for me, is when the whole writing help blog thing doesn't matter and we're all just writers together. The last Camp Nano I unofficially participated in helped me write over 90k of book three back in April, and I haven't plotted and written a full book since completing book three.<br />
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I mean, it's not for lack of <i>wanting </i>to write. In fact, I'm lusting so hard for writing book four that I'm ready to climb out of my skin.<br />
<br />
But, ever since finishing book three, I've spent the past months revising, making covers, and marketing. All the self-pub stuff. <br />
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I <i>will</i> have to finish revising the novella this month (I should be working on that currently and am not, ehehehe), possibly another read-through of book one, and then the (hopefully) final revision of book three, which must be finished before December.<br />
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The lattermost can't happen until my betas finish reading, which is likely to happen in November. This means I'm totally going to have to both write and revise. My brain is unruly and difficult to divide between commitments, oh yes it is. I commend those who can, but alas.<br />
<br />
I just ate dinner and I'm even hungrier than I was before eating. What's up with that?<br />
<br />
Anyway, Nano is an awesome time for getting to know followers, but the blog has grown exponentially since even the most recent Camp Nano, and I can definitely see that in the comments. There's no way I can spend all the time I normally do copying+formatting everyone's progress responses to new posts. I had trouble last time -- I'd make it a full-time job if I did it now.<br />
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So, in short, I'll make posts here and encourage everyone to make comments here. Then I can reply, and keep replying, and I don't have to worry about losing track of things.<br />
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This'll be a test run and we'll see how it goes from here! (Maybe I can even elbow Victoria into making some posts or something. We'll see.)<br />
<br />
So, KSW does Nano on the blog test phase 1. We'll see how it goes!<br />
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Let's start off things here. To begin,<b> what's your project about?</b><br />
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Sarah and Victoriahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04146719288492803193noreply@blogger.com5